Thursday, December 30, 2010

I missed it again...

Well not technically but its almost the end of the evening and I did not get a chance to post another HNT picture.

I am pretty much on vacation but I thought I would be able to catch up on my posting and other things. So far its been a little slow. We some how picked up three stray dogs in the past two days and now we are trying to figure out what to do with them.

The first one is a stray that seems to have been abused, it will not even come near me. The other two are maybe five weeks old, and of course as cute as can be. The only problem is that we really do not have the money to add three more dogs to our family since we already have two and one has addison's disease which requires daily medications and a monthly shot which gets quite expensive.

I will fill you in on the happenings with the dogs later, and maybe I will have time to do a HNT picture.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Tougher Issues

Recently I was moving some old emails around and I came across one from a very good friend.

I read the email again and one thing struck me with an incredible sadness. It was a statement that he made because he was dealing with what he thought at the time was Bell's Palsy. The statement was:

"but whatever, it reminds you that other people deal with much tougher issues than this."

What makes this statement so profound and filled with sadness is that he died three months later of a brain tumor. The tumor was obviously to blame for the paralysis in his face, but he was not aware until a few months later. When he was finally diagnosed with a stage IV tumor it was already too late and he died less than a month later.

I have every bit of confidence when I say had he known what he was actually facing when he sent the email he would have still made that statement. He was that type of person. Even in the midst of his hospital stay he still had his humility and his sense of humor. 

I wonder sometimes why life is like that. He was one of the greatest people I have ever known. When you were feeling down he would always be there to pick you up. When you needed a laugh you could always talk to him and he would make you smile. I spent many weekends going to his house, spent a lot of time with him and his family.
The first time my wife met him he had us shooting bb guns in his backyard at 3 AM after a 30 hour drive from California, and I never did stop laughing. 

At his funeral we were all asked to stand up and tell a story about our lives together and I had so many to tell although many of them were not family friendly, but they were all some of the best times I have had in my life.

It has been almost a year since all this happened. It was Christmas Eve when he was first admitted to the hospital which he would never end up leaving. A time when we were all getting ready with our families, wrapping presents, and waiting for the Jolly fellow to climb down our chimney, and he was being admitted after having his second seizure in two weeks.
I decided this Christmas I am going to send his son a gift. I want him to have a great Christmas, especially since this will be his first after losing his father. Of course I am sure that is what my friend was thinking about when he knew he was dying. He thought the world of his wife and son, and wanted to make sure they would be taken care of.

I dont know if I would have been as strong as he was, or still be able to smile and laugh, if I had to deal with what he went through, but I do remind myself...

"that other people deal with much tougher issues than this."

Thursday, November 11, 2010

HNT Bruised

Wish I could say that I was bruised because of some rough sex, but alas it was not that case.

I decided to play goal during last week's lacrosse game that I usually coach. I had a great time but caught a ball in the inner thigh. It did not hurt all that much when it happened and bruised quite a lot over the next week.

This is actually almost two weeks later. It was a lot worse a few days ago.

I know this is not the sexiest picture around but I wanted to share a little more of my life with you.



Happy Veteran's Day

To all the men and women who serve or have served in the military, I want to wish you a Happy Veteran's Day.

Thank you for all that you do and your service to our wonderful country. Without your service we would not have the freedoms that we have today.



Happy Marine Corps Birthday, although I am a day late!

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Oyster Roast

Well its that time of year again. Time to go to an oyster roast. The weather is turning cooler, and I say cooler while most of the people that live down here will say cold because I lived in the northern states as well as the western mountain states and seen much colder temperatures then 35 at night.

Dont get me wrong, 35 is pretty cold, but when I have been camping in -5 this will be a perfect evening in front of a fire eating oysters. Since we have lived here we have been somewhat adopted by this family that invites us to all of these occasions. Fourth of July, graduation parties, the family beach house, and now the oyster roast. The family is an amazing group of people and we are happy to be a part of their group.

So I hope that everyone is going to have a happy evening, because I know my evening is going to be a good one.

Maybe I will post some pictures tomorrow of my evening, no it will not be half naked shots, but most will probably be dressed for winter.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

A little behind (HNT)

I am a little behind in my posting.
I promise to be better about it from here on out.
I already have many many posts that are in draft form that are ready to go so it will not take much to post them.

So here is my proclamation! I will post on a regular basis from here on out... and promise not to take an extended absence unless something comes up! Really nothing has come up lately. I am just a little behind.

So Happy HNT!


Have a great day.


Lets see, around the house...

I cook, I clean, I do the dishes, I do the laundry, I make sure that my daughter makes it to her bus stop on time. I do the budget, I pay the bills, I have full control over our financial situation, even though I try to include her in it all the time. I take care of the dogs, I feed the fish. At least since it is fall I do not have a lot of yard work to do.

We both work full-time and of course she is bi-polar but the only thing that she has to do is the grocery shopping... which of course I did this weekend too.

She does do things, like decorate for holidays, and she is good with our daughter... but for the most part I pretty much do everything.

It was not always like that, we had an equal share, and I know a lot of it is her illness. So I put up with it.

Honestly I don't mind doing all of these things. I now have a routine that works and I do not feel at all overwhelmed, but sometimes...

Like this weekend, I took a break from my duties and played a video game... for most of the weekend. I still did a lot of the work around the house, but some things were left undone... and I briefly felt guilty about it... but I am happy that I did it.

I am now caught up with all the housework and back to my regular routine.

It was definitely a much needed break, especially for my sanity.

My latest excuses

Seems like I have been finding a lot of excuses not to post lately.

Been really tired.
Have not been motivated.
Busy at work.
Busy at home.
No access to blogger...

But really I do not have any excuse not to post.

I want to post, its not that. There really is not a lack of motivation.
Honestly I really can not tell you why. I just have not been posting. I have a lot to say. I have written several draft posts and maybe I should just post them.

I have some great ideas for upcoming posts. I have finished my Vermont story but still left it in draft.

So anyway, here is to the start of my next wave of posts. I will start it by posting a HNT shot.

Of course you will have to wait a few hours or maybe till tomorrow to see it. I have already taken the picture, but I am going to stagger my posts so that I can finish some of the other drafts and edit some of the posts.

Anyway... hope you all like the picture.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

HNT - Redundant

Well I know I posted a shot like this in the past, but this is one that I took last week. With being sick over the last 24 hours I did not feel like taking a picture last night.
Of course this one is a little more revealing then the one I posted earlier and it is a new shot, but maybe a little more of the same. I have a great idea for a shot that I wanted to do last night but it may have to wait until I feel a little better.

Anyway, happy HNT!


Wednesday, October 20, 2010

A Bit Under the Weather

Just when I thought things were getting back to normal and I was going to be able to post on a daily basis I get sick. It is pretty much the way things happen. Of course I believe that it was probably the stress over the last few weeks that helped fuel the illness, but today I feel a bit better but still under the weather.

This weekend was great though. We had a busy one, a high profile breakfast with some dignitaries. A work party that was lots of fun and we met some great people, and to top it all off we bought a car.

I know most of you do not know my back story but because of some financial issues we only had my truck and the motorcycle between my wife and I. Living in the south we made it work because the winter does not get that cold, but after the fiasco with my motorcycle and realizing that the truck was getting older, we decided to take the insurance money and buy a car.

We only went to look but like always Saturday night ended with us driving off the lot in a new (used) car. We are very happy and a lot less stressed about trying to figure out how to make one car work in our family.

It will make so many things that much easier, but will still be a little bit of a financial strain. We will make it work though, I have no doubts, but like everything it will be an adjustment. My wife told me when we were negotiating with the salesman about price that I looked as if I was going to pass out.

This is the first major purchase we have made since all of our financial problems happened a year ago, so I was very cautious and a little sick. But in the end I think we made the right choice.

Hopefully I will be feeling better in the next day or so or you may see my stuffed up red nose and chapped lips in the next HNT post.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010


Still losing weight. I am happy where I am now and finally had a chance to check my body fat. Right now it is at 14 percent, so I know I can get it lower. But how low do I really want to go. I was 12 when I was playing sports in college, so maybe a few more percent.

I have to run the half marathon in January so my goal is to keep running until then and then gain back muscle mass... we shall see what happens.

Happy HNT!


A sense of Normalcy

The past two weeks have been a blur.

Work always is a little rough at the fiscal year end but this year was a bit strange because we were in the process of essentially changing companies. In addition we were also trying to renegotiate our contract with the current company and running into road blocks with the new company so needless to say I had a lot going on.

While waiting for the negotiations to finally end we had some time to do some necessary training, and that is what led to my earlier post about my motorcycle being run over and things being a little crazy. Feeling stressed I also overreacted when my wife left the hose on in the front yard and thought we had a water leak... of course I did not really know until I dug up the yard a bit, destroying some of the shrubbery in the process.

I still have yet to hear on my motorcycle, but I know it will work out in some way, so I am not too concerned with it. And I am finally back to work in my normal situation with my normal routine. I don't mind the changes from time to time but it does make things a bit more stressful. I have not had a chance to relax in more than two weeks and now finally things are back to where they were last month.

I know I promised you all some great posts and I have them ready to go... and I also promised you some great pictures, which again I have them ready to go... but I will post them over the course of the next few days to give everyone and myself time to catch up. Its been a week since I have read what you all have been doing in your lives, so I need to do that as well.

Things are still crazy at work, only because now I am playing catch up. But if they did not really miss me last week, they can wait a few more days for the work that I need to complete this week.

I am just happy to be finally getting back to normal.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

No HNT post this week...

As the title says... I am way to busy this week to do anything other then post this message. I am planning on writing and publishing several posts over this weekend so I may post a HN shot at some point, just not tomorrow.

I know I will disappoint some of you but I promise to make it up to everyone with a spectacular HN picture over the weekend.

Also you may have noticed a drop in posts, it is only because I have been in training for the past week and have not had a chance to even do so much as check my email every night. I have had about an hour of computer time in the last few days.

Again I promise to make it all up to you over the next few days.

A HN shot, a sexy story, and some stories about my life.

I promise...

Monday, October 4, 2010

To Start a Great Week

Today I started a class that I needed to take for my job. We have been trying to get this class for the past few years and the company has not found the time to let us take it because the job that I am working has not specifically required it, but it would be much better if we had it.

So we had the perfect time, between contracts, where we could get the training in. I found a local class so there would be no traveling, and was excited to take it. I figured on leaving early, getting to the campus to find a good parking space since I was riding my motorcycle and finding the building.

Everything was going well, until campus security showed up about half way through the day to tell me that someone had ran into my bike and it was now lying on its side in the parking lot where it leaked all the fluids from the engine.

They actually tracked me down through my license plate and witnesses saw the person that did it so I went out to talk to them. Of course the person was claiming their girlfriend was driving the car, and they could not remember their last name, which seems to be a bullshit story. But they did admit it was definitely their car that hit my bike, so I do not think that will matter much.

Since my bike is my only means of transportation for the most part. I do have a truck but my wife drives it. I have to rely on other people to drive me around until they can get me a rental car on the other drivers policy, which hopefully will be tomorrow.

Needless to say, while the class and the situation surrounding the class is good, the day was not a great one for me.

Hope everyone had a better day then I did.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Raining (HNT)

The rain has been falling for the last few days here. We needed it so I am not complaining. It has made the weekend plans a little harder but I think we will find something fun to do.

I am still working on getting used to the camera and lack of flash, so the picture seems a little grainy but I thought it went well with the dark rainy weather we are having.

Happy HNT!

As always check out Osbasso for who else is playing!


Tuesday, September 28, 2010

The Quiet One

Growing up as the youngest of four brothers was not the easiest thing to survive. Of course somethings were easier because I got away with a lot of things since my parents went through it all with my other brothers, but I also had to compete with them for almost everything.

I received a lot of hand me downs on many things, but on somethings by the time it reached me it was already worn out or broken. So many times I ended up with something new.

The one thing that was always tough for me was being shy. My next older brother was king, the social butterfly, the guy that everyone liked to be around. He may not have been the smartest in the family or the most athletic but he always had the prettiest girls falling all over him and a truckload of friends that would call him on the weekend.

Me, I was the quiet one, the smart one that kept to myself most of the time. I was also the athlete of the family, played three sports, skied, surfed and an outdoorsman. But for some reason I was shy and quiet. And therefore I did not have a lot of good friends. I spent most of my school years with the same people, even still talk to many of them, but my group of friends was quite small.

I did not mind being the quiet one. I was able to fly under the radar most of the time. When everyone in my class got in trouble for cheating on an exam that I helped steal with another student, I was the only one that did not get detention. When my friend's family would not let him hang out with my other friend for a period of time because he was a bad influence on him, his family always let him hang out with me, even though I was just as bad an influence as the other friend.

The only thing that I did mind was the fact that I was always overshadowed by my brother. I would meet someone and they would say oh your C's brother, and they would automatically have an opinion of me.. most of the time they would like me so it was not bad, but my brother did talk an awful lot and so his teachers all expected me to do the same. So I would get in trouble for just being his brother.

Plus I was my own person, the quiet one, the smart one, the athletic one, I did not want to be known as C jr.

It was not until college that I became more talkative, and even then I was still the quietest one in the room. I like to observe. I tend to be more analytical when I am in social situations, trying to figure out the dynamic of the room.

The one thing that I did become good at later in life, was the bar conversation ice breaker. In fact I was so good that many of my friends would bring me along just to start the conversations when they were trying to pick up women. I don't know if it was because I would sit and listen to all the conversations around me until I discovered something to talk about or if it was because I tend to open up if I find that I have nothing to lose.

I was still the quiet one, the one that would be happier sitting with a few people at the end of the bar, or having a few good friends to hang out with instead of the fifty my brother always had around him. Despite of all that, I have somehow raised a social butterfly... my daughter is definitely not the quiet one.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Giant Steps

In 1960 jazz artist John Coltrane decided to take three giant steps. He quit drinking, he quit drugs namely heroine and became religious. He locked himself in a room for several weeks and quit everything cold turkey.

After that he focused on his family, his music, and his daughter. We all take steps in our lives at some point. Taking a chance at a job that brings us across the country, choosing the person to hopefully try to spend the rest of our life with. Bringing a new life into this world. Many of these are giant steps.

That is how we define our lives. These steps for Coltrane inspired the rest of his music, one of the greatest jazz albums ever produced was recorded after those steps named aptly enough "Giant Steps.'  This was my first introduction to Coltrane from a friend who sadly passed away this year. A friend who was not even 40.

So this summer I took some giant steps of my own. While my wife and daughter were visiting family in California I changed my diet, changed my workout routine and decided to become as healthy as I could be. I know that being healthy did not have much to do with my friends death, he had brain cancer, but I thought if I wanted to be around as long as possible to watch my daughter get old then I should take care of myself.

I changed my attitude completely my wife thought I was going through a mid-life crisis and maybe I am, but one thing is for sure. At least it is a healthy crisis and not one that I am worried about.

So I leave you today with the title track to John Coltrane's Giant Steps. Whether you are a jazz fan or not, this music is incredible and I hope that you like it. It has changed my life on many different occasions. I could only find this video of the song, so don't worry too much about the content of the video, just listen to the music...

Thursday, September 23, 2010

A request for HNT

A friend asked for a chest shot, so I had to accommodate. I want to get a little more artistic with my shots but self-shots are not always easy to do that with. So for now I will have to settle with these types of poses.

Anyway, enjoy, and Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday!

By the way, what the hell happened to Osbasso?

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Its Wednesday!

Well the week is almost half over and what a week it has been already and will be over the next few days.

We are in the end of our fiscal year, and are also going through a merger that becomes official October 1st. Do I need to say that my job is stressful right now, didn't think so. Not only have I been assigned an incredible amount of projects to do in the next week, but I also have to complete the transition of the data to the new formats.

Of course during all of this I have to go to the dentist, today, in about an hour.

I thought about changing my appointment since this week is bad, but then I decided its my health. I don't mind going to the dentist, its not my favorite thing. But it is something that I am doing for myself, to keep me healthy, and this is the time that I have to be healthy.

My work will wait for me, and the people that are screaming because they realized that the project they have been sitting on for the past four months is due at the end of next week will all have to wait a few hours more.

Just a word of advice to those who assign me projects at the last minute. When you forward me the message and it has the original request that was dated from July, don't expect me to drop everything to finish it, just sayin.

Have a great Wednesday everyone.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Last Post - Updates

I debated a long time before I posted that last piece. It was and has been a very difficult point in my life, and I wanted to keep some of the blog more upbeat. Although these incidents define my life and relationship over the past six years.

Things have gotten better. She was hospitalized one or two times a year for the first three years when we moved here, ending completely in 2007. There was one more incident in 2008 that she should have gone and that I was stupid for not bringing her and thankful that it did not turn out any worse.

My daughter remembers some of those times, like spending Mothers Day in the common area of the mental health facility. She also understands she is sick, but still makes the comments like 'Why does mommy sleep all the time." Or "Mommy is always angry."

I would be foolish to say that this has not affected our relationship. I would like to say that we are stronger, but I have yet to open my heart back up to her as I did in the past for fear of what could really happen.

She also is numb from the medications that she takes which makes it more difficult for me to love her if she can't feel the love for me back or even for herself, if you actually understand what I am saying.

In time I know that things will get better, she has a great therapist, and now a great psychiatrist. She is on better meds but not completely stable. It is day to day with her depression. Its like she can see all the good in her life but does not know how to feel happy about any of it.

There are days that I sit and watch TV and listen for her laughter. I used to be able to get her laughing so hard that she could not stop and now just hearing her laugh at something on TV or from something my daughter did is enough.

Enough to make me realize that things can and will get better. Enough for me to realize that it is better than it was a few years ago. Enough for me to stick around and continue to take care of her and my daughter. But not enough to make me not fear the possibility that the whole world can come crashing down on us at any minute.

I still get angry when she tells me she is depressed, not because I am angry with her or the situation. I get angry because I have no control over her depression and despite all the things that I try to do to make it better I will never have that.

Most people say that it is enough to be there for her and listen to her, which is what I do all the time. Sometimes, though, I wish I could give her a hug and make it all go away.

A Cry Out For Help.

The room was completely silent aside from her breathing. I was awake slightly trying to get back to sleep. Apparently something woke me up at this hour, because I was extremely tired from the weekend.

Her breathing seemed odd, almost labored, and I could hear a moan every now and again. Despite her sleeping habits, talking, moaning, breathing heavy, this seemed different.

I reached over and touched her shoulder, wondering if it was just me or should I try to wake her. When I heard another moan I gave her a quick shake to see if everything was ok. She stirred slightly but did not waken completely.

I shook her again, and again she did not respond very well. At this point I knew something was wrong and I got up and turned on the light. I called her name slightly louder at this point and got back on the bed to shake her awake. She opened her eyes and looked up at me and looking at her eyes I could see the emptiness.

Fearing the worst, that she decided to finish off her medications a month early I went in to wake my daughter to prepare for a trip to the emergency room. As I did so my wife tried to get herself off of the bed, but being under the influence of countless pills she toppled over falling into the armoire that we have as our entertainment center. The top fell into the wall and almost was knocked to the ground.

Then I heard the words that brought tears to my eyes. "What is wrong with Mommy? Help her Daddy, please." My daughter had walked into the room and saw the scene unfold. Being four she had no idea what was really going on and was scared to see her mom in this state.

I did the best I could to straighten my wife up and grab my daughter to give her a hug. Anger, fear and sadness overwhelmed me. I quickly got dressed, and I helped my wife out of the house and into the car. Thinking back I probably should have called the ambulance but half awake and the hospital being a five minute drive from my house, I made the decision to drive her myself.

Arriving at the ER, I went in first to grab a nurse to help me get her in the door. This was not the first time I brought her to the ER for an overdose, but it was the first time in this city.

The nurses quickly helped her out of the car and rushed her back to a room. I parked my vehicle grabbed my daughter and headed back in to deal with all the paperwork I knew that was being prepared for me. Thats the funny thing, my wife could be dying and I wanted to be by her side, but all the hospital cared about from me was how was I going to pay for tonights visit.

After about a half hour of paperwork and forms one of the nurses came to get me to show my back. She informed me that my wife was stable and she had a list of medications she had taken. She asked me if there was anything else that I may have noticed. I had no idea is what I told her and looked incredulously at the list she presented.

Having finally fed her enough charcoal and had her stabilized they let me see her. When I walked in she looked up at me with those sad eyes she has and told me sorry. I smiled and grabbed her shoulder and replied that it was ok. I did not bring my daughter back with me this time, the nurse at the front said they would watch her.

The hospital brought in a mental health professional and after a few hours of talking they decided to check her into a facility to help her get better. I signed the paperwork, told my wife that I would return with clothes and left with my daughter.

The sun was just starting to come up at this point and I sat for a second at the exit of the hospital with my daughter in my arms and breathed deeply. I had no idea what the days or weeks ahead would hold. I had been here before a few times but I had only lived in this city for less than six months. My support network was non-existent although I am thankful for my neighbor at the time.

That was not the first time that I had to deal with that situation. My wife indicates that it is always 'A cry out for help,' and never to try to commit suicide, but I often wonder with the right combinations would she have succeeded.

I think about my daughter in those times mostly. I will recover, I am strong, but I have no idea what would happen if I had to explain this to her.

A few hours later, my wife off to the mental health facility, my daughter in day care and myself getting prepared for work, I sat on the edge of the bed, half dressed, and cried.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Another Picture Post (Caption Contest)

I know what you are saying, three picture posts in a row, did I run out of things to say.

Definitely not, I have more stories than I know what to do with, but I the last few days have been fun for me on the camera front. I took a few good pictures of me and one that I thought I would share with you all.

Beryl over at Phoenix Rising suggested that I make it a caption contest with an award and all, so I may do that for the next picture post. For now though I just want you to come up with a good caption.

So here is the picture:

A toilet, big screen TV, and an old screen door.

This was taken down the street from my house. Here I will start, my caption originally was...


Then I thought,
Marriage, The Ultimate Sacrifice

My neighbor came up with,

Redneck Garage Sale

So what can you come up with?

Thursday, September 16, 2010

San Francisco Bike Messenger

This is my running outfit, and my wife thinks that I look like one of those San Francisco bike messengers... She told me this the first day that I wore the shirt in the picture above. So I asked her you mean the gay ones?

Because most of those guys look pretty good, so I took it as a compliment. If you know my wife, you would probably understand that this was definitely not a compliment... but oh well, you take what you can get sometimes.

What do you all think?

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Slumber (HNT)

Getting a little more risque, we shall see how far I go with it I guess.

Dont think I will really show much more but hey there is always room for growth, ha!

Happy HNT!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

I made a mistake (Part III)

Last of a three part series... read Part I here and Part II here...

I felt the first tear fall down my face before I realized what she was saying. How could she say that after all that has happened? I sat quietly and heard her ask. “Did you hear me?”

Again my voice broke when I replied, “yes.” I stared at the darkness in my room and thought about what to say but nothing came. I managed to say wow, but wished I could say more.

We talked some more that night but I am not sure I heard anything after that, and have no idea what I told her. Over the next month we talked daily, once again our conversations were superficial, although we decided that we needed to see each other.

Thinking back, I believe we both felt that the connection was still there and we needed to test the waters. Although I had no idea if it was the right thing to do, giving our past.

The plan was made, a weekend camping trip to Vermont. Nothing was promised and nothing was expected, just some time to get away and clear our heads.

A full eight months after the devastating day, where I left my heart on the road to the dunes we were planning a weekend away. I had already moved out of my brother’s place and was living in a house with four guys that all had some sort of failed relationship.

We would joke about how we ended up finding each other, but we all had our issues. We had never met before but were thrown together in this house to become friends. And I could see that they wanted to stop me from seeing her again but did not know me well enough to do anything but say, “I am asking for it.”

None of that mattered, “I knew I was asking for it,” but I also knew that I had been broken before and was happier now. I was prepared somewhat for what could happen. I had not built up any walls but I was stronger than that night.

The butterflies had returned once again, in anticipation of seeing her that afternoon.

She was going to meet me, and we would get in the car together and go camping.

I tried to be calm about it but my feelings were all over the place. Time seemed to slow as the moment approached, work, traffic, my mind all moved slowly.

Watching from my window, I could see the car turn the corner and a lump grew in my throat. She was here and I could not wait to see here, but I needed to be calm, collected. Showing how pleased I was for her coming, but not seem over eager, or appear desperate.

I walked out of the house and down the path as she pulled into the parking space near the road. She waved and flipped her hair the way that I always remember and loved. I could now see her eyes light up as she reached for the door handle and stepped out and back into my life.

My mind searched for the perfect thing to say. My emotions took over, what did I actually feel, am I still angry, would I forgive her, am I still in love after mending my broken heart? I found a few words, as I approached her car and looked down at her. My heart was pounding in my chest and I could not even hear her replies to my questions.

I wanted to touch her to make sure she was really there, but instead I walked over and looked at her face. Her eyes caught mine and we stared at each other. The moment lasted a few seconds but felt like it had been years. She was the first to look away, but I had already sensed it, the love was still there.

I made a mistake (part II)

Continuation of Part I. Please start there if you have not already.

My brother told me there was a message on the machine but when I went to check it, he had already erased it. He was protecting me. He had been there when I walked back in the house wet from the rain, with a broken heart. He had picked up the pieces that I left there by the door that day and helped me rebuild.

I knew I should not care that she called. I had not spoken to her since that night. I did not want to know how her new life was. I did not care if she wondered how I was, the pain was too great. But I was drawn to the machine. I looked at the tape and thought maybe it had not been erased, although I did not have a way to play it back.

So I went out the next day and bought a mini tape recorder. When I heard her voice I could tell there was a sorrow to it. She said it took her a long time to call and she wanted to see how I was doing. I could sense she was trying to be upbeat but realized that behind the smile she was putting on while talking, she was not happy.

I waited. A few days went by and despite every effort my fingers could not dial her number. I picked up the phone several times but my mind stopped me before I could push all the buttons. What if she wanted me back, what if she made a mistake, what if she was just curious to see how I was doing, what if she was calling me to say she was getting married? I do not know what made me go through with it but I finally called her, one night alone in my bedroom.

“Hey,” she said like she always did before. When we were living on two different coasts we talked every night and her voice would always be the last thing that I wanted to hear. Hey was always the first thing she would say when she knew it was me. Even after all these years I still love to hear her say it.

We tried to speak nonchalant about things. The questions were simple. How are you? What are you doing now? Do you like where you live?

The questions were superficial and I did not even care to know the answers, I only had one question in mind that I could not work up the nerve to ask. Why did she call?

I could tell there was unhappiness but the first conversation ended with, we will talk again. She would call me from work, at first once or twice a week. She had not told her new boyfriend that she was talking with me yet. Was she going to break his heart too?

Then the frequency of her calls increased, eventually we were talking once a day. Our talks were mostly about life, what our day consisted of, what we were planning to do over the weekend, never once about our relationship.

One night while I was sitting in bed talking with her I heard the statement that stopped my heart, “I made a mistake.” I could not bring words to my lips. I thought I was going to die right there. My heart could not take any more of it. My voice broke, but I managed to get out, “with what?”

“Us,” she said.

I made a mistake (Part I)

This is going to be a three part post, since when I started it I thought it would be shorter but evolved into almost 4 pages... and I know my attention span is not all that long so I thought it was easier to split up...

The butterflies had returned. The anticipation was completely destroying me from within.

It had been almost eight months since I had seen her last and I had no idea what I would say, what I would do or even how I would ultimately feel.

My heart had been broken. It was left on the rain soaked road behind the dunes where she had spoken those words. I went back to that day in my mind many times.

“We have to talk,” the words were spoken quietly but I knew what they meant. My heart was already sinking, I had waited for this day the entire summer, waited for us to finally be together and hearing those words already hurt.

We took a drive out to the beach to talk. The rain was cascading down on the windshield as I stared into the darkness waiting for her to tell me what was so important. The tick of the wiper blades seemed to mimic the beating of my own heart as I already knew what was coming.

When she finally spoke, I never actually heard what she had to say. I knew the overall message. We were not going to be together, she was with someone else now and that she was sorry. I gave up my entire life to be with her, everything that I had worked for in the past. I had spent years envisioning my move to the west coast and here I was back on the east because all of that did not matter, I thought it was love.

Opening the car door, I felt the rain hit my arm, then my body as I walked out without saying a word. I needed fresh air. It was so stuffy in the car even if it was New York in November. Three days before my twenty-fifth birthday. I walked back down the road we had just come in on, not really knowing where to go. I knew eventually she would have to take me home, but right now I just kept walking.

I stopped to look back and realized that she was not coming after me. I was soaked from the rain and my body, heart and mind were beaten down because of the words she just said. I turned toward the car and walked back to her window. She rolled it down and I stared at her and slowly asked, “why?”

I never really wanted to know the answer, but it was the only thing that I could say. I wanted to be angry, I wanted to tell her to fuck off, but my heart ached and I felt numb now. We sat in silence on the way home, an hour drive to my house. I gathered my things and went inside.

Having just left my life in San Francisco I had nothing aside from the family left on the east coast, so I went to sleep and when I woke up I told my brother what happened.

It was not until six months later that he told me she called. I decided to stay in his townhouse and found a job and was starting to be happy again. Most of my relationships in the past six months were shallow and a few were very uncomfortable since I was trying to find what I had lost in someone I hardly knew.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Running with my Shorts Down

Today was my long run day in my training for the half marathon. The first of many longer days and the first time that I ran more than 5 miles in many many years.

I felt great yesterday when I ran the 3.5 miles and actually thought I could do more, so when the training called for me to run/walk 7 miles today I thought maybe I can do the whole 7 miles without stopping just at a slower pace.

Well I started out great, running about a 9 minute mile, which I thought was good for that distance. I did try to put my cell in my pocket thinking if I actually cramped up and lay dying on the trail that I could call someone to at least cart me off somewhere. When I put my phone in my pocket I noticed that the phone was slowly pulling my shorts down. These shorts lost the drawstring waistband a few months back, not sure what happened.

So I decided to carry my phone so I would not have to worry about flashing the other people on the trail.

Off I went, 3.5 miles into it, sweating like crazy now, its still 90 here in the south, still average a 9 minute mile and feeling great. I did my turn to go back down the trail and realized that my shorts were heavy from sweat and they did not feel right. They were slipping off.. and since I lost a lot of weight the boxers that I had were also big and they started to slide down too.

Well there I was about 3 miles from my house, my shorts and boxers falling down to my knees. So I tried to take one hand and hold them up, while the other held my phone. That did not work too well and they still slipped down revealing a little more than I would have liked.

At least I did not know anyone on the trail, until...

I heard behind me a biker getting closer and turned my head just as she passed and realized it was one of the women that I used to go out to lunch with at my job. We had a lunch crew for a while that when we would all go out everyone would come home laughing, mostly because we would joke with each other the entire time... and there she was.

So she laughed hard when I explained why I was holding up my shorts, but did offer to help me with my phone so I can switch hands. She rode along side while I ran as I explained my problem to her and asked her to promise not to tell my other coworker that would ultimately never let me live it down... but at least the problem was somewhat averted. I could switch hands and I did get to talk with her a while.

We have not gone out to lunch in quite some time so it was nice to spend the time talking.

At least I did not reveal anymore to the rest of the trail as I made my way home.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

A funny conversation

Her: Why is the camera in the bathroom?
Me: Because I was taking the before pictures for before and after weights for my training.

What should have been said...

Her: Why is the camera in the bathroom?
Me: Because I was taking pictures of my penis to share online...

Friday, September 10, 2010

An Ode to the Friday Commute

To the women with the Donate Life license plate who blew through the school zone at 55 mph, maybe you need to reevaluate your license plate choice.

To the Jackass with the Start Seeing Motorcycles bumper sticker who pulled out in front of me while I was on my bike... please heed your own advice.

To the lady with the Got Jesus sticker in her window who flipped me off because I would not let two cars merge in front of me, I think you need to keep reading your bible, maybe someday you will understand what it says.

And lastly to the young girl putting on makeup, while eating breakfast and talking on the phone on the way to high school, if you happen to make it to graduation, please choose a private college that way the tax payers will end up paying for nothing when you die before you finish.

Have a great day everyone!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

You're a redhead

You're a redhead I said admiring the hair above her pussy. She was on top of me know completely naked and I finally had a glimpse of her beautiful trimmed pussy hair. I was still in my clothes, it was easier for her to get naked since she started taking off her clothes on the way home from the bar.

Halfway down our block in San Francisco, she had nothing left but her panties, and I just watched her ass move in the shear material. Back in our apartment we wasted no time and she was soon naked and sitting on my lap on the couch.

She leaned in to kiss me and smiled, "My hair turns blonde in the summer," she replied.

My hands were cupped around her breasts at this point, as our lips met in a passionate kiss. She fumbled with my zipper, and grabbed the tops of my boxers, sliding them down over the head of my cock.

Her fingers played with the pre-cum on the tip of my cock and slowly moved the fabric further down to expose my erection. I lifted my ass off of the couch and helped her slide the rest of my pants and boxers off of my legs.

She slid off of me and onto her knees in front. Taking my cock in her hands, she smiled as her tongue darted across the head. In one quick motion she had my cock fully in her mouth and was stroking with her hand as I let out a long moan.

Her pace quickened and I moved my hips up to meet her mouth. She stopped just as I was about to release. She knew I was close and wanted to fuck me instead. I grabbed the sides of her head and brought my mouth to hers as I moved around to get her onto the couch.

It was my turn to tease her and I wasted no time burying my head between her legs. My tongue tasted her wetness as I moved it up and down her opening. I brought my tongue down to her ass, circling it around and traced the folds of her pussy up to where I stopped at her clit. I parted her lips to expose it further.

My fingers found their way into her opening and she let out a gasp. She was soaking wet now and I was a little worried that she would leave a spot on my couch. So I moved my head up and in one motion picked her up off of the couch and brought her into my bedroom.

We laughed as we were moving down the hallway bumping knees into the walls.

I layed her on my bed and went back to pleasuring her with my tongue.

I could hear her breathing getting faster and felt her hips rock. Then her legs tightened around my head and for a moment I could not hear a thing. She released my head and fell backwards as she came. Briefly stunned from the crushing force of her thighs, I smiled.

Moving up her body I positioned the head of my cock on her labia. Slowly I entered her, pausing just after the head slipped in and withdrew it. With each push forward I moved further into her until finally I was deep inside her.

She grabbed my back as if to pull me deeper, whispering to me how good my cock felt inside her.

I was already close to climax, but wanted to make this time last so I started slowly. Balancing myself on one hand I used my other to tease her nipple. I gradually picked up the pace as I dont think I would have lasted much longer anyway.

Pumping furiously into her, the sweat was now rolling off of my nose. With one last thrust my legs tightened up and I exploded inside her. She was already close to coming again so I leaned a little to the side and used my free hand to rub her clit until I could feel her body tense as she came on my cock still buried inside of her.

I looked down at her and could barely smile as I pulled my cock out of her and brought my mouth down to touch her lips. I collapsed on my side with my hand on her shoulder and whispered to her, "I love you."

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Just out of the shower (HNT)

Just got back from a run... showered for the third time today.

Its not the best picture, but I will get more creative as I go along.

Happy HNT!


Work, life and stuff...

In that order...

My job is changing, big changes, or maybe no change at all... it is all up in the air and it could be months until it is finalized... I will have a job, but I have no idea what I am going to be doing. I could be in the same position I am now or I may be moving on and traveling more, not sure which one will be better.

My life is crazy, mainly because of the work changes, partly from the weekend and my wife sinking deeper into depression. She is better now but it seems she has to start working every other weekend, which is why she was depressed this past weekend.. working on a holiday weekend. So is this going to happen every week she has to work on Saturday and Sunday, I hope not, it was extremely emotionally draining for me as well as her.

Other stuff, my daughter has been recommended for the smart class... if she passes the test she will be moved into the class next year. I am proud of her but worried that she may not be ready for the smart class, she is only in third grade. I was in nothing but honors classes, but only in high school.. the gifted class in elementary and middle school were the social outcasts, and I dont want that to be her. She has a hard enough time keeping friends now.

My wife and I are now back to sleeping in the same room. Summer is over and we have been able to get my daughter back into a regular sleeping schedule. Before I would sleep in her room, not because my wife and I did not want to sleep together mainly because we were tired of kicking our daughter out of the bed... so we caved but now its back to normal and we are starting to look forward to it, at least I am.

There is more but I am not trying to write a book, so I will leave it at that. Happy Wednesday People!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Weight Issues

Our doctor told my wife that many of her health problems are due to her being overweight. Her weight problems are mostly from hypothyroidism and the medication she takes for depression. Of course it does not help a person that is dealing with insecurities to tell them they have a weight issue.

So very gently I asked her if she wanted some help or support in losing some weight. I did not put it exactly that way but it was a longer conversation and that was the basic gist. She told me she was not ready yet, but we could start as the weather gets cooler.

A delicate balance, I want her to feel better and be more secure. I could care less what she looks like, I think she is beautiful no matter what. But I also want her to be around for a long time, and if the doctor is correct, even though he should not be talking about it as much as he does then she probably could lose a few pounds.

One of our dogs is overweight too, so a nice walk with the dogs and the family should do nicely. It could be the start to something wonderful.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Four subject changes in three minutes...

Years ago, even after my daughter was born, we spent a good majority of our lives with friends. Dinner parties, camping, cook outs, cocktails, you name it we were involved. It was always the same, we would bring some sort of meat or meatless product and a side dish. It was the cheap and easy way to have a party and still have a great time.

One of us would supply the space and the grill and cook the meat and we would all share sides. Most of us had common interests and the girls would get together and talk about their day and what the plans were for the weekend whether it was to go camping or to the lake... and the guys would sit around and talk about skiing, fishing, mountain biking or motorcycles.

We were all around the same ages and all happy where we were in our lives. These were my best friends, and we always did everything together. We even tried to start a company together but when I moved away the interest diminished and it ultimately folded. Yes some of us went our separate ways or got married and had kids but we always seemed to get back together for the big things, birthdays, weddings, opening day of ski season, early mountain bike season in Moab, Utah, the things that mattered.

I miss those friends. These days I spend more time at home with my wife and daughter then I do with any of my friends, mainly because I do not have many good friends here that I share the same interests. In fact, I have a very select few that I would call friends and they are all at least 15 years younger than I am.

Maybe it is because I live in the south and have no real reason to be here other than my work brought me here... I am a snow skier, lived in the mountains for the better part of my life and now I live along the coast in an area known for its swamps.

The common interest for most of the people that I hang out with is college football and hunting. I watch college football but have no real interest in discussing the teams because I have no favorite, and hunting, well I have never been and will never go. I do not own any guns, nor do I want to. Not that I am opposed to it, I just dont want to kill any animal and dont want to worry about the gun accidentally going off and hurting someone.

So I quickly get bored when the conversation is steered towards one of those things. I would much rather be talking about the snow falling, or the Golden Eagle that we saw soaring through the canyon, or how the river is running high and the kayaks are getting dusty.

I wonder why I moved here, but I know it was a career move. I also wanted to be closer to family, which I am glad that I did. But sometimes it seems that I made the wrong choice, a rash decision during an extremely emotional time in my life, but that is an entirely different and very very long story that I may share but not yet.

I dont regret the decision, I make sure I remind myself that you can not have any regrets in life, and that you can correct almost all the bad decisions you make, at least for the most part. And we have lived through some of the worst experiences that anyone could have since we have lived here and things are starting to balance themselves out... hopefully when my life balances I will find those friends that I can share some good stories with... hopefully I will not have to wait all that long.

Friday, September 3, 2010

A Short Vacation...

The road from Park City to Jackson, Wyoming is a scenic highway especially when my wife decides to get naked for almost the last half hour, flashing all the truckers and RVs along the way.

I was surprised that we did not get pulled over but there are not a lot of police along the mountain highways so we really did not have much to lose.

At the time she was not my wife, although we had been together for almost five years. We actually had broken up because like all relationships we came to the transition period of where are we going and I did not have a great answer to the question. I was not finished playing, but I realized very quickly what my life would be like without her.

It was only a short time after that trip when we decided to get married... and that is another funny story for another time.

So we were invited on a little excursion to Jackson, my college roommate was a manager at a hotel there and was able to book us a room for $25 a night. Considering the destination this was an incredible deal that we could not pass up and late the night before at the bar we decided we were going to drive up the next morning.

This of course was not the time that we had to postpone our trip because my wife and her girlfriend were almost put in jail for public drunkeness, instead they arrested her girlfriend and I had to pick them up at the jail and drive them both back home... and of course that is another story.

So we hit the road early in the morning and by noon my wife was topless and hanging out of the window my my pickup truck. Then the pants came off and the panties were pulled down, all the while we were laughing and I was having a difficult time keeping my eyes on the road.

She dressed before we arrived at the hotel but it was not long until her clothes were on the floor of the hotel room and I was joining her on the bed. We had already arranged plans for that evening, so all we had to do was shower, get dressed and meet my college roommate at the local bar for some drinks, but that gave us a full two hours of pure pleasure.

The sex was fantastic, it was that kind of uninhibited raw primal pleasure that comes at certain times in a relationship. I was thrusting so hard with us in doggy style that the headboard was pounding the wall. It was a good thing that most of the guests were out and about since it was roughly three in the afternoon, otherwise I would have to explain to my friend why there were complaints from my neighbor.

This was a time we were also talking about bringing another person into the relationship, and even suggested offering my wife to my friend, but those feelings seemed to pass quickly when my wife realized that my friends nickname of the Hustler was not because he was good at pool. I came so hard that it ended up in her hair and on the headboard and in other places that we found later.

Needless to say that was a good vacation. We spent a good amount of that time in the hotel, but we did manage to go to all the nice spots in Jackson and even did a little shopping before we went back to our apartment.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

And now back to our regular programming...

I seem to have dodged several bullets this week...

It started out a little crazy, with me having to serve my civic duty, but alas I was never chosen. So first bullet dodged... and of course things are heating up a little in the ocean. With me a stone's through from the shoreline I am a little anxious about this massive storm sitting off our coast.

But as again it looks like we are not expecting anything more than some intense surf and bad rip currents... second bullet dodged.

The last one was a completely minor one, but yesterday I saw the wonderful white shirt black tie bicycle riding LDS missionaries riding through my neighborhood. Being somewhat of an atheist and cooking dinner at the time I did not want to have to explain my viewpoints and be impolite to them. I know they are serving their greater good and that they all hope to make it into heaven for their service, but I really did not have time to talk and did not want to burn the dinner on my stove.

So I watched as they walked from door to door, but for some reason they decided to skip my house, maybe it was because there was no car in the driveway. My motorcycle was in the garage and the garage was open, but maybe they saw that and thought a big burly southerner would answer the door and give them a hard time... but they passed and the third bullet was dodged...

So now back to our regular programming and some more stories.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Getting There (HNT)

A few more pounds lost and I will be to my fighting weight. This week has not been the best exercise wise for me and I did eat quite a bit over the weekend... but its good to have those every once in a while. Makes me work harder the next week.

Maybe training for a half marathon but am worried that I will lose too much muscle mass training...

Anyway Happy HNT everyone!


Tuesday, August 31, 2010

What a week so far...

Well its been a few days since my last post and I am going through withdrawal... and no I have not burnt out yet, ha! Only been doing this for a few weeks so far and have lots to write about still.

But this weekend one of the computers I was working on, cleaning viruses and such, shut down my network because it was sending out spam for penis enlargement pills... yippee!

And then I had to fulfill my civic duty yesterday and quite possibly tomorrow as well, wont know until I call later in the day. So I will be trying to catch up on my comments and my posts in the next few hours while I have time.

So dont lose faith in me yet, I have some great stories to tell.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Co-workers... a rant

One of my co-workers pissed me off today, as he has so many times in the past, we have even nicknamed him the disgruntled employee or DE for short.

He took a task request from my group, something that we should not even be doing, and said that we would take care of it and then expected me to do it. He no longer works for my group, a group that I am in charge of.

What really bothered me was that he was complaining that he did not have enough billable hours a few months back and wanted some from our group which I gave him, but since then he has not done even a quarter of what we offered. This particular request came to him directly so he should have been doing this work...

He also promised them to have it after lunch, right when I take my workout break, so I had to move my schedule and he should have been the one doing the work.

I dont mind doing the work, I do mind the fact that he complains about the hours, gets a job, then passes it off on me.

Well after all, I guess he is the DE.

Happy Friday! At least I had a great workout and am looking forward to the weekend... I even worked out harder because I am going to the Olive Garden tonight for their never ending pasta bowls... yeehaw!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Its A Start (HNT)

I thought I would join the ranks and add a picture... of course not too revealing but that may change as time goes on...

Hope you enjoy it!

Happy HNT.

Check out Os for who else posted today!


Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Just received...

My wife just sent me this text...

"I swatted a wasp off my leg onto the ground and a big toad came up and ate it!"

Its definitely the little things that I appreciate about her... the fact that she would get excited about nature like that is what made me fall in love in the first place.