Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Dealing with Insecurities

So we had a kid's birthday party to go to on Saturday night, however the invitation indicated that adults were welcome to come and to bring your own. That being said we originally had no intention of going with alcohol since neither of us drink very much anymore. In fact with all the medications that my wife is on she does not drink at all.

Well the party started at 5:30 and our child was wanting to go as soon as the clock turned 5, so we gathered our things and headed out the door. The weather was far from perfect but I resigned myself to making the best of it and although it was a pool party decided not to bring my suit. It was in our neighborhood so I could always go back and get it if I needed to.

Arriving at the party we realized that we were probably the only ones that did not bring either a bathing suit or liquor, but we were there and I did not feel like leaving just yet. So we sat as we always do at a table somewhat by ourselves. Now, I am the social one. I can enter a room not knowing anyone and leave the room with a hundred friends, my wife on the other hand is content to sit in the corner and not talk with anyone. Its not that she does not have a good time, its just she is more comfortable being by herself. A lot of it has to do with her insecurities.

I talked with her about the party, the weather, anything to keep the conversation going... somedays she can talk my ear off but when we are out in public she is quiet. It was raining slightly and the humidity was unbearable so I said I might go back and get my suit, she said kinda with a smile, so you can leave me here by myself... so I stayed for a little longer.

The humidity ultimately became too much so I went back home a put on my suit, and of course I went back out to the store and bought a few beers. I figured if I was going to swim I might as well have a few beers too. When I returned she was still sitting there but at a different table where there were more people but she was just watching the water, not really talking.

I quickly went into the pool and left her there to hopefully open up to the other people at the table. That did not happen right away but as the night wore on and the drinks were flowing people started opening up to her.

I am not sure why she has such a hard time talking with people. I know she has insecurities, but she is such a great soul. She is very nice and always has something to talk about, but she does not like talking with other people. She has problems with her self image, problems with her depression, problems with dealing with other people, but when she finally does, she has a great time.

Its the same as sex with us, she can not open up to me, but when she does she enjoys it immensely. She told me once that she has fear of intimacy. She would rather have sex with someone she does not love than have intimate relations with someone she does. Much of this comes from her childhood and she is in therapy for it but I am not sure how to help her through these issues.

Any suggestions from the net?

Needless to say we had a great time on Saturday and I met some new potential friends, and she did open up, although we did not have sex... but that may come soon. We did have sex over the summer so at least its only been a few months.

2 comments:

  1. I am painfully shy at social gatherings. If I could shrink into a wall and wait out the function I would. It's just me. One on one I'm fine.

    I'm just wondering, and you certainly don't have to answer, if you go to the sessions with your wife to mention your concerns to the therapist.

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  2. I have and sometimes it helps.. and we have even tried therapy together with a different therapist, not necessarily marriage counseling but more of me trying to understand what goes through her mind and being better about dealing with it.

    I get frustrated very easily and unfortunately I dont always act the way I should.

    Her one therapist does help her with her issues but he does not ever seem to get down to the root of her insecurities, the trauma that she suffered when she was younger.

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