Monday, September 20, 2010

Last Post - Updates

I debated a long time before I posted that last piece. It was and has been a very difficult point in my life, and I wanted to keep some of the blog more upbeat. Although these incidents define my life and relationship over the past six years.

Things have gotten better. She was hospitalized one or two times a year for the first three years when we moved here, ending completely in 2007. There was one more incident in 2008 that she should have gone and that I was stupid for not bringing her and thankful that it did not turn out any worse.

My daughter remembers some of those times, like spending Mothers Day in the common area of the mental health facility. She also understands she is sick, but still makes the comments like 'Why does mommy sleep all the time." Or "Mommy is always angry."

I would be foolish to say that this has not affected our relationship. I would like to say that we are stronger, but I have yet to open my heart back up to her as I did in the past for fear of what could really happen.

She also is numb from the medications that she takes which makes it more difficult for me to love her if she can't feel the love for me back or even for herself, if you actually understand what I am saying.

In time I know that things will get better, she has a great therapist, and now a great psychiatrist. She is on better meds but not completely stable. It is day to day with her depression. Its like she can see all the good in her life but does not know how to feel happy about any of it.

There are days that I sit and watch TV and listen for her laughter. I used to be able to get her laughing so hard that she could not stop and now just hearing her laugh at something on TV or from something my daughter did is enough.

Enough to make me realize that things can and will get better. Enough for me to realize that it is better than it was a few years ago. Enough for me to stick around and continue to take care of her and my daughter. But not enough to make me not fear the possibility that the whole world can come crashing down on us at any minute.

I still get angry when she tells me she is depressed, not because I am angry with her or the situation. I get angry because I have no control over her depression and despite all the things that I try to do to make it better I will never have that.

Most people say that it is enough to be there for her and listen to her, which is what I do all the time. Sometimes, though, I wish I could give her a hug and make it all go away.

11 comments:

  1. I wish I had words of wisdom...or something that would make it better. It just never seems like enough. So *HUGS* sweetie.
    xoxo

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  2. Your post is sadly beautiful - does that make sense?

    Sad because of the situation: a wife that I would bet would give anything for things to go back to "normal", a little girl to young to possibly comprehend, and a husband trying to keep it all glued together.

    Beautiful because of the posts itself - your thoughts, feelings, anguish, and commitment.

    I don't think your wife could have picked a better spouse.

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  3. Indeed, your wife is very fortunate to have you--as I am to know you.

    xox
    Beryl

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  4. You sound like such a wonderful man to even try to understand, to want it to get better, to stick it out. I know how hard it can be. She's very lucky.

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  5. Tracie said it the best. Your honesty about how you feel is refreshing Blu.

    Stay strong.

    xoxo

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  6. You are an amazing man - husband and father. Reading through what you have posted recently just makes me in awe of you. Your hope despite what you have been through is inspiring. Up beat or down - it doesn't matter. Just shows all of us what a great guy you are.
    ~Emmy

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  7. I agree with Tracie, sad but beautiful. "For better or for worse" isn't that what the words are? Good for you for sticking around for the "worse" most guys wouldn't.

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  8. I'm reading these comments, B, and I'm smiling for you.

    xox
    Beryl

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  9. I agree with everyone. This is for good or for worse, and often people run off when things get worse. She is lucky to have you by her side.

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  10. As someone who has clinical depression, I can tell you that having a spouse/partner/etc. that is willing to talk and is willing to want to help is probably the most wonderful thing in the world. I understand your anger at not having control but I also know, all too well, the anger and frustration of being the person in the abyss. The torture of only seeing the dark and of the total loss of emotion AND having no control over being able to change it, is just horrible. I'm so glad that your wife has you, a therapist and psychiatrist. She obviously wants to get past the depression to live a good life. That you have young children is probably even worse for both of you.

    Make sure she always knows that you do love her and understand that she is sick. Don't blame her. Don't ever dismiss the depression as something that isn't real. I, unfortunately, have THAT kind of person in my life. It definitely doesn't help, that's for sure.

    Also, make sure you do things for yourself. You need to maintain a positive outlook and you need to be happy as much as you can. It'll keep your anger at bay and keep you from being dragged down into the abyss. Don't ever feel guilty about making yourself feel good.

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  11. I have to say that I think it is amazing that your are sticking around. I know that they say for better or for worse, but who really thinks that there will ever really a "worst" part.

    I dont pretend to understand depression, it is obviously a very difficult thing.
    Not trying to be negative, but I wonder if this will have any kind of lasting effects on your daughter?
    Do you and your daughter go to family counseling?
    I think you are an amazing dad and husband. I am sure she is thankful for everything you do.

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