Friday, December 30, 2011

Pizza.. Food Friday

Let me start by saying I am from New Jersey, yes I know that says a lot. But I am not your typical Jersey boy in all aspects, a few, but not all.

I also want to point out that I have never even seen one episode of The Jersey Shore, although from what people have said, I definitely have seen those types of people at the Jersey Shore. Actually I think I went to high school with people like that.

But that is not what I am writing about anyway. While I can be at times, a gourmet chef, my favorite food to cook is pizza. Ever since I can remember my family has been making pizza, and no we are not Italian, Irish and English mostly, pizza was always a staple in our dinner menu.

When I was younger I would not even eat my Mom's pizza, settling for hot dogs on those days. But as I grew up, the brothers would all fight for how many slices we could eat.

The last few years of college I started making the pizza myself. From the oil stained recipe my mom gave me I would make it for all my friends and they would rant and rave about it. It became a conversation piece mostly, people would ask me if I made my own dough or what was actually in the sauce.

After college I started changing the recipe, using cake flour for one thing. Changing the amount of tomato paste to make a sweeter sauce. Variations of toppings too, like the smoked gouda salmon pizza, or the greek pizza, of course I still would always make one with pepperoni.

It was years later that my mom called me all frantic. She was at my brothers place back in New Jersey, while I was in Utah and could not find the recipe. I dug out the old one I used and told what it was. I laughed at the fact that it was always my Mom's recipe and she was calling me for it. That made me feel good.

Today I am making pizza again, it has been a while. I am not making the dough from scratch, however, I did buy some from the store, but I am making the sauce.

I do not use a recipe anymore, mostly because I just add things until I like the way it tastes, but if anyone would like the one that I started with here it is:

This recipe usually makes 3 14 inch pizzas, enough to feed four healthy people or 3 with lots of leftovers.


4-5 cloves garlic chopped
1 small onion chopped
1 Tlbs Extra Virgin Olive Oil
1 Tlbs Oregano
1 Tlbs Basil
1 Bay Leaf
Salt and Pepper to taste
2 to 3 Tlbs Sugar (to taste)
1 can crushed peeled tomatos
3 tsp tomato paste

Heat the olive oil in a sauce pan, add the garlic and onion to activate it, do not make the garlic crisp, just enough heat for it to start to sizzle and then add the can of tomatos and paste. Add the seasoning and bring to a boil on medium heat. Turn down the heat and simmer for about an hour. Remove from heat and let sit while making the dough.


3 1/4 cups unbleached flour
1 1/4 cups cake flour
1 packet active dry yeast
1 tsp sugar
1/4 cup olive oil
1 cup warm water

Mix the cake flour and the unbleached flour in a large bowl. In another small bowl mix the yeast and the warm water and add a pinch of sugar. Stir slightly and set aside for about ten minutes. Remove approximately one cup of flour from the large bowl and slowly add the water stirring in with a wooden spoon. Add the olive oil to the mixture and turn with the spoon adding flour until it is no longer sticky. Take the dough from the bowl and kneed it until it is elastic... do not over kneed otherwise the dough will be flaky. Wash the big bowl and coat it with olive oil. Put the ball of dough back in and cover with a warm towel and place in a slightly warm oven. I usually heat it up to 200 and then turn it off. Let it sit until the dough rises, usually doubles in size. When the dough is done, remove from the oven and punch it down. Turn the oven back on to 450 to preheat it. Take the dough and place on a flour surface and cut into thirds. How you do this part varies so I will only say that you make the pizza into a circle about 14 inches. The dough will be somewhat thin but that is ok. I use a roller since I am not very good tossing it. I told you I was irish not italian.

When the dough is laid out on the pan, take the sauce and put it in the blender for about 30 seconds to grind up the garlic and onion even further. Then use a ladle to spoon it out and spread it around. Add toppings to your likings and cook in a preheated oven at 450 for about 10 minutes. Sometimes I brush the edges of the dough with olive oil, it adds to the crispiness of the edges which I like.

I will post pictures later when I am done with my pies.


That Was Horrible

The phone call came just as my wife was walking in the door. Our daughter wanted to eat dinner at her friends house. My wife was thinking that would give us an opportunity to go to the grocery store, I was thinking otherwise.

We had just spent the past few weeks without any time alone and while in the past that did not mean much this time our relationship was going really well.

So I said coyly, that we had time to ourselves and we should take advantage of it. Her reply of course was to ask me what I had in mind.

I did not need to explain anymore than that and this time she actually agreed. Normally she puts up a little fight until I give up, but as soon as she said okay I felt my cock start to grow.

Quickly we cleared off the bed of the clothes that we had started to unpack from our trip to Georgia and we both laid down next to each other.

"Are we just going to get naked and have sex or should we do a little foreplay?" I asked. Normally I just go for the foreplay but this was a little different than normal. She replied lets just have sex as she was already taking off her panties. I just stripped off my sweats and pulled my hard cock out and climbed under the covers.

"Gently," she said, "its been a little while," as I placed my hand on her pussy. I started to rub her clit and she began to moan. Soon I was going faster and she was moaning louder until she grabbed my hand and let out a long "Oh my god, yes." Less than a minute, damn that was fast I was thinking.

I pulled my hand away and replaced it with the tip of my cock. Lying on my side I slid slowly into her and started moving in and out. Increasing the pace I was pushing harder and harder trying not to come too quickly.

Knowing that I was getting close I shifted positions thinking I could prolong it. As soon as I got on top and slid back into her I was thrusting harder and faster until I could not hold it any longer and came insider her.

Less than a minute, and now that's two. I leaned forward and laughed. "That was horrible," came out of my mouth before I had time to think about it. Of course I meant that I came way too quickly, and she knew what I meant because she laughed too, thank god for that.

"I guess it has been too long, " I said to her, "I am sorry I did not last longer."

She apologized for not being a good partner and did say we will try to do it more often, but we shall see. Maybe the new year will bring lots of sex, or at least longer. We do have another opportunity to spend the evening together tomorrow night, I am thinking candlelight dinner, some jazz music and more than two minutes.

Have a Happy New Year.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

HNT - The Finale

I woke up this morning thinking that I would post something fun that happened to me in the last week, which I will soon. However, I was surprised and saddened to see that HNT is ending. I found this out by checking out my favorite HNT blogger Emmy posted a final picture.

I started this blog as a way to express my feelings and sexuality and found an incredible community. HNT allowed me to expose myself without actually revealing everything about me. In one way it was helping me to feel desired, in another it was helping to come out of my shell. Unfortunately I did not get to completely explore all the different artistic opportunities that HNT allowed, but I did have fun for the past year.

I owe a lot to the people that helped me along the way including Osbasso and his HNT Posts.

So I end my HNT where I began, a self shot in the mirror. Although it is a different mirror, and a lot more revealing than the first, it is a similar shot that was my first. I also decided to post a few others that I had saved but forgotten about.

So Happy final HNT!

The First

Yoga Pose
Cant Remember

Monday, December 19, 2011

The Most Wonderful Time... Sort of.

I don't hate Christmas, I just think that its a little overplayed. I am not a grinch when it comes to Christmas, I just get tired of every last commercial reminding me that it is Christmas time. 

From the weeks leading up to Thanksgiving to the week after Christmas I always feel a little depressed. It starts with my birthday, and ends New Year's Day. I think the main thing that concerns me is money. Despite not having any we still try to buy gifts for everyone in our family and with a growing family it slowly becomes quite a lot of people. Mostly on my wife's side. 

We set a budget this year and while we tried to stick to it, it never actually works that way, and our budget is small. Part of the problem this year is that my wife's brother has been furloughed and his wife does not work and they have several small kids including one with special needs. So after talking with him and her realizing that the kids were not going to get much for Christmas it has compelled her to buy more things for them.

Now I am all for giving but when we have medical bills and other issues that drain our bank account it is hard to be generous. 

For me the holidays are about spending time with family and friends. They are about cooking good meals and drinking good cocktails. I do not mind the gift exchange but it needs to be reasonable, or at least what we can afford without trying to max out our credit cards.

Of course I like the reaction my daughter has to the presents under the tree. She still believes in Santa. This will probably be the last year and then maybe we can take a trip like many other family's do for Christmas.

New Years Eve is even worse for me. I have had some really good times on New Year's but those days are long behind me. My New Year's now consists of going to the Christmas lights at the park then coming home and everyone going to sleep by 10, while I stay up and watch the ball drop in Time's Square.

We joke that it was easier when we lived in Utah, since we could go to sleep at 10:30 and still have seen the ball drop. So now I have a few drinks on the couch while watching whatever marathon is playing with my dogs sitting next to me. I dont mind doing that on any other night, but being that it is New Year's Eve and everyone else is out celebrating I tend to get a little depressed.

Maybe this will be a better year, we are planning on celebrating Christmas with my family in Georgia. However New Year's is going to be a bust since my wife has to work the entire weekend. 

Anyway, I hope everyone has a happy holiday, Christmas or otherwise. And happy New Year as well. I am trying to do a HNT Holiday post this week so we shall see if it works.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Breathing In

Breathing in, I calm body and mind.
Breathing out, I smile.
Dwelling in the present moment
I know this is the only moment.
                               -Thich Nhat Hanh

I feel pretty emotional right now. Not in a bad way, just in an emotional way. Was watching some clips of an old program that I used to watch when I was younger and it brought back a flood of memories.

So I spent some time going through music that I used to listen too and now I am thinking that I need to revisit some of my roots. Maybe a weekend of nostalgia or something like that. I know I can not relive the memories but having some of the old music and videos around will at least make me think about them again.

I do find myself saying quite often that they don't make music like they used to or they don't make movies like they used to. Don't get me wrong there is a lot of good music out there now, even more so then the early 2000s. We are finally seeing some good bands come out instead of the same crappy ones that are overplayed.

So maybe a weekend of revisiting some of my favorites will help with the emotions. Maybe it will bring more, but those were happy days and even the ones that were not are over now and its time to live in the present. Of course sometimes its fun to bring back the past.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Opening Up On a Long Hidden Memory

In light of all these reports on child sexual abuse, I want to share something from my past that very few people know about. I am not even sure if I have ever told my wife about this, but this is a good opportunity to talk about it.

Warning to those readers, this story talks essentially about child rape, so if its a sensitive issue for you please do not read any further.

The details of what happened are very vague, it only happened once and it happened so quickly I can not remember everything. I believe I was in the fourth grade, I am trying to date some of the other things that happened at the time so I can remember exactly how old I was.

We were playing with some friends over my neighbors house. The usually things a fourth grader would be doing, hide and seek, man hunt etc. There was an older boy that had been wandering around and watching us from the street. We just started to play another round of man hunt and I was the one that was it. So everyone ran and I closed my eyes.

When I counted to 20 I opened them and started looking for my friends. The older boy called me over and told me to follow him, he knew where some of the kids had hid, so I did. We lived across the street from a wooded area with a pond. I followed him along the side of the pond and then he turned around holding a knife.

He asked me what I thought of the knife and told me that I would have to do anything he said or he would cut me. Looking back now I realized it was a small knife and I probably should have just ran but back then I had no idea what to do.

He told me he wanted me to lick his cock, I am not sure how I felt at that point since it was so long ago, but I was scared. He pulled down his pants and put his penis in front of my face and told me to kiss it. I stepped back but he grabbed me and told me again. So I kissed it. He told me to get down on my knees and he sat down in front of me. He then told me to put it in my mouth. I started crying at this point and he just forced my head down.

I gagged as I felt his penis hit the back of my throat and cried again that I couldn't do it. He pushed once more and this time I was really crying, so he just stopped and got up. He pulled his pants up and told me to close my eyes and count to 100, so I did. I could hear him running through the woods and when I stopped counting I opened my eyes and he was gone.

I ran out of the woods and back to my friends house. They were all wondering what happened to me since the game was obviously over and I had not found any of them. I told them I was over by the pond and was bored with the game. I looked back to see if the older boy was around but he had left.

At one point I tried to tell my parents about it but I did not want anyone to know. I was not scared that he would find me but more scared of what people would think about me.

I am not ashamed about what happened, I don't feel guilt anymore. I do not think I have any lasting psychological problems from it, although I have never been analysed in that way. It only happened once and I never did see the kid again. Writing this now has not unearthed any ill feelings, but I did want to share how I felt seeing all the issues we are facing in the news these days.

I know how I felt at the time, I was a scared little kid. I can imagine how these other victims felt and how vile the people are that prey on these kids. A child molester is one of the worst types of criminal, they are heartless and selfish and despite what they say or think, they do not love children.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

A Celebration of Sorts

Well today is my birthday.  Yes, believe it or not, I turn 40 today.

I don't feel 40. I have been working very hard to get to where I am physically and mentally. Over the past few years I have changed a lot of my life to get to 40 feeling much better than I did at 20 and I think I accomplished that.

The only thing that I get a little disappointed in is that I wish I was further along in my career. I see my friends from college and they are all completely successful, have great jobs and careers and are financially stable. However, I still struggle everyday. While I enjoy my career and I have a good job, I feel like I should be further up the ranks.

The difference is that I decided to enjoy my life right after college. Made some choices that may not have been the best career choices but choices that I do not regret at all.

Lets see.

The year after college I moved out to California to become a lift operator at Squaw Valley. I skied everyday during the winter and went to the beach on Lake Tahoe everyday during the summer. A few years later I found myself in Utah, again working for a ski shop and skiing quite a bit the first few years.

While I did not get a great job in Utah I did get one that was along my career path. The upside was that everyday I could go to the river to fly fish, go mountain biking or hiking in the mountains or skiing when there was snow. I could go camping on the weekends by just driving my truck into the mountains and not see another soul.

So while my friends all hit the grind right after college, moving to New York City or Boston and working there way up the ladders, I played. I traded the suits and tie for ski bibs. Instead of hailing a cab, I rode my bike through the aspen grooves, I fed wolves while I house sat for a trainer that trained bears and wolves for movies and I do not look back and think I should have moved to New York instead.

At 40, yes I do wish my career was further along, but I would not trade anything for the experiences that I have had in my life. I have stories that I can tell that not many people have. Being scared to death that I am going to be attacked by a mountain lion, alone in the middle of Idaho with an ax in one hand and a flashlight in the other. Being the first up to the top of a ski slope after the patrol completed the avalanche control and the first to make tracks down. Camping in the snow on valentines day with the women and the dogs that I love. Driving 10 hours at night over a mountain pass in a '72 Land Cruiser that did not have any working lights other than the headlights, then having it overheat 5 miles from where we needed to be.

I could go on, at 40 I have lived a full life, and there is much more to come.

So Happy Birthday to me. Let see how I feel when I hit 50.

Friday, November 4, 2011

A Massage

Will you rub my back she said as I walked into the room getting ready for bed. As tired as I was I was not up to it but decided to be the good sport and help her out.

It had been a long day for all of us and we all needed a little relaxation.

So I started rubbing her back over her shirt, half-assed hoping that she would just say forget it and let me get to sleep. But for some reason I was not feeling all that tired and started to feel a bit horny. Of course it does not take me long to get hard but I was trying to not turn this into anything sexual since most of the time if I push too fast she backs away.

I went on rubbing, this time a little better and more concentrated on her neck and shoulders. My hands began to pull her shirt slowly off the small of her back and I moved them under the fabric.

I heard her say, "don't get any ideas," but I was being very careful and just continued to massage.

My hands explored her back as I pulled her shirt up more and this time she did not offer much resistance. I was helping her to feel comfortable and she was allowing me to go further. I ran my hands slowly from her neck down her spine to the small of her back and circled back up to her neck. She loves it when I tickle the hair on her back, just softly caressing her.

Since we were both fairly relaxed I decided to take it one step further and slowly pull down her pajama bottoms. I revealed just enough to caress the top of her ass but not enough to make her uncomfortable. Although my hands were under the material and moving along her cheeks slowly moving up and down her back.

Feeling confident I pushed my hand a little further and parted her legs, she did not resist and opened up a little for me to move closer to her pussy. I teased a little more, bringing my fingers in contact with her labia but just briefly touching and moving back up to her shoulders.

After a few minutes of this, I decided it was time to pull her bottoms completely off, which she ended up helping me with. This exposed her completely and I started moving my hands from her thighs to her back each time briefly touching her pussy.

A moan escaped her lips as I paused a little longer between her legs. I could feel her wetness and knew she was ready for a finger. My fingers pushed softly against her labia and I pushed one finger in slowly. She pushed back slightly and I moved my fingers around and found her clit. I began to rub her clit as she raised her ass off the bed. Increasing my speed she matched my fingers with her hips until she was moaning out loud and grinding against my fingers.

'Don't stop,' she moaned. I pushed harder and faster into her with my one hand and rubbed her clit with my other. She shuddered and pushed back against my hand for one last thrust and then fell back onto the bed.

I stopped rubbing and moved back behind her. My dick was completely hard and ready to enter her from behind. I pulled my boxers down and slowly pushed my dick against her pussy. She moaned again as I entered her. Slowly I pushed it in and pulled it out, wanting to last as long as I could.

It did not take me long to start pushing hard against her, moving faster and faster as I grabbed her hips. She arched back again as I thrust into her. Slowly down a bit to keep the moment longer, I leaned into her to put my mouth on her neck. We were both breathing heavy now and I stayed like that as I pulled all the way out and pushed hard back into her. She had her face buried in the pillow and her hands were pushing back against the wall so she could meet my thrusts.

I picked up the pace, leaned back and with one last thrust I reached my orgasm. I collapsed down on top of her with my dick still inside and kissed her cheek.

"That was fun," she said and she smiled.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

HNT Upside Down

My life feels like it is upside down right now.

It is not a bad thing, but there is a lot of uncertainty with my job and where we live. We may be moving with the company but when and where is completely up in the air and we will not know until after the holidays.

I am not complaining. I want to move, but it would be nice to know where I am going, and recently we found out that we may be staying longer with a new contract doing the same job that I was doing for the last seven years.

Change is coming, and I am ready for it. I just want to have a better idea of how much is really going to change.

Anyway, this is probably one of my favorite HNT pictures so far. I had fun trying to figure out how to take the picture without falling over. I have some outtakes that I will put in a new post.

I hope you enjoy the picture, there will be more to come in the next few weeks.

Happy HNT, visit Os to see who else is participating on this wonderful Thursday.

Monday, October 24, 2011

A Child's Perspective

So our mean alcoholic neighbor who has threatened to call the police on my 9 year old for just being a kid and drives too fast through our neighborhood even when the kids are outside cut the corner too fast and nearly hit me.

I looked directly at her and called her a bitch as she tried to correct her turn so she would not clip my bumper. Our windows were basically right next to each other when I said that so I know she heard me, but that was my intention.

Then I heard, "Daddy," from my back seat. "That was not nice," my daughter said.

I replied, I know but that was the mean lady and she deserves it.

My daughter said, "No Daddy, she is just misunderstood."

I was surprised that she would even say that since she has been yelled at for playing in the street in front of her house, which just happens to be at the end of a cul de sac... riding her back, I mean where the hell is she supposed to ride her damn bike.

She said that our other neighbor told her she just does not know how to deal with kids because she never had kids herself and does not have much contact with them. To me that is not a good enough excuse so I told my daughter that she still should know that kids are going to be kids.

"Well, you should still be nice to her, maybe that is all that she needs." She said.

And maybe that is all that she needs, but I highly doubt it. My daughter will learn one day, at least she has a good attitude now though.

So I leave you with this.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

HNT Post It

So I sort of cheated a little bit... I only had the post its that my company gave me and they did not stick very well, so instead of writing on the post its I added the text afterword.

Anyway, if you can not read the text it says, "this is the most daring I have been on HNT." Which is true I have never revealed as much skin from the front as I have today.

Hope you like it... and no those are not real spiders, haha.

Have a Happy HNT, and visit Os's page for more HNT participants this week... maybe now that I am getting more daring I may have to post something at the other HNT sometime in the near future.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Its about time... (HNToS)

Well its been so long since I posted one and was planning on doing it actually on Thursday but better late than never.

So here is a half nekkid thursday picture on sunday (HNToS) I may start participating in these pictures again, I have a few good ideas that I need to explore.

Since I now work from home I can get a lot more clever with the pictures. Maybe even take a few in the backyard, who knows.

Hope everyone had a good HNT on Thursday.

This of course is a picture of my new facial hair. Not sure how much I like it or what I am going to do about it but for now I am keeping it. I trimmed it the other day but I may let it grow out a little more and groom it with my nice trimmers. Of course I have been grooming some other areas of my body too.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The Fantasy of an Affair

I have a confession to make. More like a realization that I have come to terms with.

Before starting this blog, I was looking for some sort of outlet for my desires. I thought that with all the issues that I have been having with my marriage that maybe an affair would be what I wanted, although I could never bring myself to cheat.

And that is the realization that I had. No matter what I do online, searching for porn, posting the Ashley Madison ad, browsing Craigslist, it is no more then curiosity and maybe trying to make myself feel good.

What my relationship is lacking mainly is the lack of compliments from my spouse, and good sex, but that is a different post. My wife has low self esteem and she feels that if she is complimenting me that she will feel bad herself. I spent the last two years getting in shape, not because I want a compliment but it helps to have her acknowledge that I look good.

That is what drives me to peruse the online ads and think about some sort of affair. Of course that is how a lot of affairs begin, although I can never get past the searching.

It is also what started me posting the HNT pictures, because I liked the attention that I was receiving and it also made me feel like I was part of a group that I really respect. Part of the people that I read on a fairly regular basis.

Recently I have been transforming my image slightly. I am not sure if it is merely a matter of my approaching forty or if I am getting bored with things the way they are. I started working from home and now do not spend a lot of time in front of the clients anymore, so I started playing around with my facial hair.

I now have pretty big sideburns and am growing a goatee, no mustache, just a goatee. The funny thing is that I am shaving most of the rest of my body but growing more hair on my face.

Yesterday I asked my wife how she felt about the little changes and she said she noticed them the other day and was going to say something. For a second her eyes lit up and she said she likes the sideburns. I could see the old desire in her eyes as she told me. So maybe I am doing the right thing.

I guess in all of this I am just looking for validation that I am still desired. The rest is just pure fantasy.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

I had the feeling

I had the feeling that she wanted to talk. That she was wondering what our future held for our family.

My job has been talking about moving me out to Colorado since our contract ended a few months back. I have a few major projects to work on before they make a decision but for now I work from home.

The issue is that things are moving forward with my career yet there are a lot of decisions the company has to make before everything can happen. Things like cost of relocation, pay rate increase for cost of living, whether the move will be the right step for both the company and myself. So it is not a decision that will be taken lightly.

And of course my family is somewhat in limbo. We all want to make the move, we never did like the south all that much and its way too hot for my taste. I always preferred the snow anyway so it makes sense to move again.

That night though all I wanted to do was sleep. My allergies were acting up and I had taken a bunch of medicine. I tried to talk to her because I know she is concerned and since losing her Mom her family wants us to be closer to them.

Really, I don't know what to say. She does not understand that I have no new information and that I do not want to push the company to make the decision for me. I feel that if I do, it might not be to my best interest. They may not pay as much in relocation fees, I may not get the pay increase.

I assured her that things were going to happen and probably the way that we wanted them to, but I dont think that was enough. I had the feeling that she wanted to talk but I was not ready to answer any of her questions.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Easing back into it.

So after the long hiatus I have to ease back into this writing thing. I find that I have so many ideas but not really one in particular that I am wanting to write about.

If only I could free form something that was interesting and not merely a ramble I would be happy.

Anyway, to catch everyone up to speed in my life, I started a new phase of my career. I am now working from home until things change a bit and I plan to move out west again. I miss the mountains and the snow and am not happy about the heat where I live now.

Financially it is going to be tough but I dont think I have much of choice with my job. I do think they will pay for the move but it has not come up yet.

I am traveling more, which is nice but it is hard to be away from home. I think it is helping our relationship with me being away since we seem to be drawn closer together. The only thing lacking in our relationship right now is sex.

My wife has gained quite a bit of weight because of various medications and other things. I do not mind the extra weight, I think she looks good no matter what (I know the right thing to say) but it has made her much more self conscious then she already ways. So sex is mostly out even though I tell her that I love her body.

Her doctor has been telling her that she needs to loose weight for health reasons so I have been trying to support her. I have offered my help since I have lost a bunch of weight myself but she and I both agree she has to do it on her own, with my support of course.

At the very least we have both agreed that we should put the whole house on a diet, we shall see how that works.

Maybe if she starts to loose weight we will start to have more sex. I have already tried the sex is exercise method and that did not work... She has taken the first step and is planning on accepting my advice on what to eat.

Well so far that is all, I have a lot of other things to talk about but like I said I will try to write a post a night while I am away.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

5 Weeks Ago

My last post was 5 weeks ago and before that was even a longer dry spell... not sure why I have not been posting much these days since it is no longer because of a job. I have lots to tell and I have not been a very good blogger.

I am now sitting in a hotel room in Northern California, I am here for work not pleasure, and writing this from my somewhat comfortable bed.

So not much has really changed other then we may be moving soon, back across country, back to the snow and the nicer weather... away from the heat.

From today until my trip ends I will try to post something every night, since I have a lot of down time. If you all are still there I appreciate that you are and am sorry that I have not been very good at keeping you up to date or even very good at being up to date on the things in all of your lives.

Anyway, I dont have any excuses from this point forward... so here goes.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Where was I?

So, where was I?

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote something. Some good some bad, but mostly just stuff.

I stopped posting for one main reason, I was going for a job that there was a possibility if they found the connection to my real life persona I would not pass the security requirements. That is stupid but I decided not to take the chance.

So I took a break, not that I really wanted to, but it was necessary.

I missed a lot of what was going on, and I missed the writing part of things.

To catch you up on some things:

Took a great vacation over Memorial Day.
My current contract finished and now I am starting a new one.
I uttered the words divorce during a heated argument but did not really mean it.
Then a few days later we had sex for the first time in many months.
Most of our arguments are about money.
Things are good, but stressful.
My wife is now out of state visiting her gravely ill mother.
The home life is hectic, but I manage well enough.
Stess = anger which I do not like.

Well, that is pretty much it. Trying to deal with a few crazy things going on right now and will be trying to post updates in regards to the list above. Till then.

Have a happy day.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Mother's Day

It has been two years since my Mom's death, and I still miss her. She was the one that I would call when I needed advice. She was the one that I called when I just wanted to talk. She made sure she called me at least once a week.
She would remind me when the clocks were changing for daylight savings even if I already knew that they were. It was just a fun reason for her to call. She never forgot anyones birthdays or anniversaries or any other celebrations. She cared more for her children then she did for herself at times. Her kids meant everything to her.
Even when my parents were struggling financially she still stayed home with us because she knew that a strong foundation for her kids was more important then affording a new car or new furniture. When my parents had more money she spent it on clothes and food for us rather then buying things for her. She made sure that we were dressed in the best clothes that she could buy and even when my daughter was born she would buy her the best that she could afford so that she always looked good.
She took a job at a children's store at 60 just so she could work with kids again and buy things for her grandkids.
She was always so proud of her kids. She would sing songs with all the grandkids every holiday.
At Thanksgiving she would walk around the house singing "I am a fine turkey, and I sing a fine song..." Other times she would sing the teapot song, or the itsy bitsy spider. She was still a kid at heart.
She was the perfect mom. When my friends would come to visit she would make sure we had enough food for everyone, even when I had 10 of my friends crashing at my house before we all left for spring break. All my friends loved her too. She was a great cook.
She might have been a little anal with cleaning the house, but I never had to worry about dust or dirt when walking around the house in bare feet.
We all loved her dearly and we all miss her immensely.
Even when she was dying she still had a sense of humor about it.
She died in her sleep on February 23, 2009. The cancer finally took her body from us, but she was always be remembered.
Mom, I love you.

Happy Mother's Day.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Painting Fingernails

Sunday night, I was watching television, my wife was doing payroll for a volunteer job she helps with, or should I say puts more time in then her regular job, and my daughter was painting her toenails.
I had already completed the choirs for the weekend and was relaxing before settling in for the night. My wife had been stressing about the payroll all day and was working pretty hard still as bedtime was approaching. So when my daughter asked if she could help paint her nails she told her she would have to wait.
Well patiences is not something done well in my household so after about ten minutes of waiting she asked again and the comment was made...
"Why dont you ask daddy to help you,"
I raised my eyebrow and glanced up from the book I was now reading and give a quick laugh, "Ha. Like you would really want me to to do that."
My beautiful daughter looked over at me with her bright blue eyes and said, "please daddy." To which I could not resist.
There I was a few minutes later with the brush in my hand painting her nails. Of course I started in on, "so are there any boys that you like in class?" I already knew the answer but isn't gossiping something that you have to do while painting someone's nails. I did manage to
She wanted red on three nails and green on the other two on her one hand then add poka dots with the opposite color.
When I was all done she proudly held up her hand and showed it to mommy and said, "look what a great job daddy did."

Monday, April 25, 2011

On Getting Older

Sometimes I think my life is pretty boring. I see others having good times with friends, going out, enjoying happy hour and other social events and I wonder why I am not with them.
Right now my life consists of work, family and coaching. We really do not have the money nor the time to go to happy hour or go to parties or spend all that much time with friends. Sometimes I blame it on where we live. I have always been somewhat of a home body, most of my social events would occur at my friends houses or at ours. We would have dinner and then hang around and talk about life over some alcohol.
So I often wonder what happened. Of course I conclude as I am sure most others do when approaching their 40s that we have all just became older. It is not so much as we do not want to do it, it is more that we have all settled down and had children. Not only do we have little people that need lots of sleep, we seem to need more sleep as well.
Occassionally we have parties, oyster roasts, cook outs, company get togethers, but they all seem to end before eleven. The conversations all focus on children and sometimes on work. All this because we are older. Its not a bad thing, since I would not trade anything for less time with my family. It just is.
The days that I look at the younger, childless people and think that I wish I could go back to those days are the same days that I tuck in my little red head at night and think there is nothing else like it.
I remind myself that my life is not mine exclusively anymore that I must share my time with my family and most importantly my daughter. Sure I get time to myself as we all do. But the time that we have together is never my time anymore.

That being said, last week was spring break and I took some time off to spend with my daughter. We spent one day not worrying about money or work or school and played miniature golf, rode the go karts, and played video games and had a blast doing it. I dont mind getting older, as long as I can have days like that.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Ass - ume the position (HNT)

I am an ass man as it came up in an email conversation that I had with a fellow blogger. She is an ass woman so per her request I am posting this picture. I have a few others that I took and am thinking about doing a little theme, basically naked yoga poses. But they will probably have to wait until next week.

Hope you like the picture and Happy HNT!

As always visit Os to see who else is participating.


While many of you see that I am not as active on the blog as I have been in the past, I will attempt to explain what is going on.
Of course part of the reason is that I am in the middle of my sports season, which I am a coach for a varsity sports program. The season lasts from January through the middle of May. I basically spend most of my time either at practice or games during this period.
But mainly the reason behind my absense is that I have found it difficult to post when I have the time to post. I work for the government. In a job that requires firewalls, restricted sites, restricted access to computer applications, therefore I have a very limited time that I can post. Before I was able to access the network from my computer and would post and comment. Now I am restricted on what I can view and comment on.
I have found a way to post while I am at work, but do not have a way to comment. My season is winding down too so I hope to have more time in the evenings to spend porusing the sites that I frequented prior to this change.
All I can say is bare with me, I have not disappeared and am starting to come back gradually. I have a bunch of stories that I have yet to post and will be getting back into the swing for the HNT pictures.
Hope you are all having a good Wednesday!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Once Again...

It seems in each of the past three years I have had to deal with some major health concerns involving cancer. The first situation was my mom dying of endometrial cancer. The second was my good friend dying from a brain tumor and now about a year and three months after my friends death I have to deal with another close friend and his fight.
Let me first say, I am optimistic about this friend. He is a fighter, he is young and he has a strong family and group of friends. He also has been diagnosed with a form of cancer that seems to be very treatable, Hodgkin's Lymphoma.
About a week ago, he called me up to tell me the news. I could hear in his voice that he was nervous and that he still had a lot of tests to confirm what the doctors first thought. A few days later his fears were confirmed when they told him that he had a growth the size of a softball near his heart and that he most likely had Hodgkin's Lymphoma.

The prognosis for HL is very good. The survival rate is very high and most patients survive for 25 years or more, what makes his situation a little worse is the location of the growth.
He started treatment this past weekend. It will be twelve weeks of chemo and another four to six weeks of radiation treatment. I believe it is called a dual modality treatment.
My friend is 23, just recently married and has not even moved into the house he just bought with his new wife. He started a new job this year and was excited about the prospects. All of that is put on hold now until he gets his life back.
We had a meeting last night for our club sports program, which he was involved with and his dad is the president. We talked about our end of the season party and the talk came back to our friend and how to honor him. His dad was a little reluctant to accept our support, he told us its hard for him to accept charity. I told him, in this situation you are just going to have to accept it. Our friend, his son, has been a mentor to all the kids for years and he and his family deserve the recognition.
As I get older, I realize that more people that I know will be touched by cancer. My assistant coach, who is nineteen, said this is the first person he has known to have a serious illness. A few years ago, I may have said the same thing, but that is not the case now. Three people in three years, that is not a very good statistic that I like to talk about.
So please take some time and think about someone who has been touched by cancer and send some good thoughts my friends way.


Monday, April 11, 2011

Too Young To Understand

"Megan has a fireman's pole in her living room," my daughter said at the dinner table last night. "It is really fun to play on."
"You should see what Heather can do on it," she added. "She can run up to it, climb to the top, lock her legs around it and swing around."
My wife and I looked at each other and smiled.
"She called it a dancing pole," my wife said but we both laughed at that. Henry, her husband, installed it a few weeks ago but my daughter has not been over to her house since.
We both knew that the mom worked at a strip club because my daughters karate teacher is a bouncer at the club and she mentioned she knew him from work. Mind you I would say gentlemen's club but this place is pretty seedy and definitely in a very seedy part of town.
I was under the impression, originally though, that the mom was an administrative person in the club, either manager or some other office staff because she works a lot of daytime shifts. She was probably a dancer at one point but she is late-thirties and has an eighteen year old daughter as well as a eleven year old son and a nine year old daughter who is my daughters friend.
Of course she could still dance, giving the location of the club it is not the highest caliber and she is an attractive woman.
Even though I am pretty open when it comes to sex, having my eight year old daughter exposed to that at this point makes me cringe a little.
She has already been exposed to the conversations about sex from some of the 5th graders she hangs out with. Which makes me cringe even more. When I was that age we were not even remotely exposed to that until middle school, definitely not elementary school. I know times have changed but I am not ready for her to start that path.
My wife and I have talked about sex with her, how to protect her in situations and to tell us if anything bad happens to her. That is extremely important at this stage of her life, especially since she is a beautiful little red head. We have not had the conversation yet, mostly talking about good touching/bad touching.
"Should we still let her play with Megan at her house," I asked my wife after dinner.
She sort of laughed it off but we both had our reservations. Just like with sex we want her to understand her body and that she has the ability to control it. She can also make decisions for herself but she has to understand the consequences, at 8 she does not know what those are or how her life would be different based on her decisions.
At 8 she barely understands that she can not just eat candy for lunch and dinner.
Having her refer to the stripper's pole as a fireman's pole, I know the mom did not explain to her what it really was for. I do know the mom called it a dancing pole and my daughter watched her dance around it, clothed of course. I also know that the news has been reporting on several fitness clubs that are using pole dancing classes to get in shape so maybe we can explain how it is used without revealing the other things that may be associated with it.
All I can do is empower my daughter to make the right choices in life and hope that she will when the time comes for those decisions to be made. I know now though she is still too young to understand.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

HNT Body Post

Well I pretty much met my goal weight, 204. So now I just want to tone a little more... what do you all think?

My personal opinion, I want to work on my shoulders and arms a bit more but I am happy with the overall appearance...


Finally a Little Enjoyment

"Jeff thinks the issue with my libido is early onset menopause," was the text I received while was traveling to my next game. Jeff is my wife's wonderful therapist, who she sees pretty much every other week. I replied "you're too young for that, but does that mean you are still horny?" My brain is always in the right state of mind.
"Maybe..." was all that I got back and of course I told her I would be home as soon as I can. Not that I was desperate or anything, our last time was actually a week ago but it was brief and on a Sunday night, and was the first in almost a year. So I was looking forward to a Saturday night home alone with my wife.
Our game did not end until 5 and it was over a 2 hour drive from my home but of course I made it back in record time. We decided to eat in and watch a movie that she had rented the night before. We sat on the couch with her legs resting over my lap and my hand caressing her thighs. We both knew what was going to happen and the anticipation was incredible.

I slowly moved my hand under her loose fitting pants and moved it up and down her bare skin careful not to go above the thigh at this point. As the movie wound down I moved a little closer straightening out her leg for a little easier access.
With the credits rolling I decided to push my fingers all the way up her leg just brushing her labia gently. She let out a little moan and smiled. She was already wet.
At that point I made the comment that we should make our way to the bedroom. I wanted the night to last so I asked her if she wanted a massage. She of course said yes and I brought out the oil and a towel and had her lay down on the bed. We were still fully clothed so I lifted her shirt up and slid her pants down a bit to provide access to her bare skin to apply the oil.
Caressing her back I moved slowly down to her waist and slid her pants down further to work her butt. Deciding it was time, I removed her pants and she took her shirt off completely. My hands worked all the kinks out of her thighs and feet, as I made my way back up her body to her ass. Applying more oil I massaged her cheeks one at a time until they were glistening and slippery.
I asked her to turn over which she quickly obliged and went to work on her stomach and chest pausing to circle her nipples. My hands worked back down to her thigh as I slid one hand up to her pussy. She moaned loudly now and spread her legs slightly. My hand quickly found her clit and I began a slow rub, circling with my fingers.
Right there.. she said... Dont stop.
As she now moved her hips to my circling I brought my mouth down to her pussy and ran my tongue up and down her clit. This sent her over the edge and I slid a finger into her as my her hand spread her labia for my tongue to lick her clit. Soon she was bucking wildly grabbing my head and forcing me harder into her. Then she stopped and shuddered for a few seconds as she reached orgasm.
I sat up and positioned myself between her legs and teased her with my cock for a few seconds before slipping it into her wet pussy. Slowly I pushed in and out of her increasing the speed slightly with each thrust until I was pumping into her hard. I did not want to come fast so I slowed back down and teased her with my cock again until I was ready to start the thrusting again.
She grabbed my back and her fingers dug into my skin as I quickened the pace again. Finally I told her I was about to come and pulled out of her right as I climaxed. Amazingly I do not think I have ejaculated so much in quite some time and while I hate having to do what I did, she has been off the birth control for several months now.
After we both got cleaned up and gathered our scattered clothing we laid back down on the bed and cuddled, something we rarely do.
Later on in the night I reached over and put my hand around her and fell asleep.
I think the talk about finding my happiness and working out our issues was a good one...

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

What Happiness Means to Me

The lights were off in the bedroom as I walked in. She was laying there on the bed in the fetal position much like she always does when she is upset about something.
We had a fight, not much of one in our standards but it was still something that we disagreed about. She was still upset that I did not know that her actions were actually flirting and she wanted to have sex. She now thinks that I am no longer attracted to her, but that is not really what the fight was about.
We talked a few weeks ago about divorce, but neither of us really want that to happen and that is why we talked about it. It was more of whether it would happen or what the alternatives were to making the relationship work. This is where the disagreement lies. She thinks that much of what happens in our relationship is my fault. Not in the sense that I cause the problems but more in the sense that I am not willing to try to address the issues we have. I feel that she has to start feeling better about herself before our relationship will get any better.
"I already know what I want," were her words to me when we started talking about the fight in the bedroom. "You need to figure out why you act the way you do." She said.
"I've just been so unhappy with everything," I replied to her. Is that actually true? I was trying to think about all that has been going on lately and there are few things that I have been happy about. Even what has made me happy in the past really does not do much for me now. Am I feeling the depression from the winter still? Or am I really unhappy with things?
So I started to think about all the things that make me happy and what I have left in my life here, and am realizing that much of those things are gone.
Can I find happiness with other things, or will I be just going through the motions?
I have alluded to some of the issues in the past on this blog, and a lot of it comes from the fact that I do not have many friends here. I have a few that I consider friends but few like the ones I left out west where we used to live.
We are going to an oyster roast this weekend to help one of the local pet shelters in the area and we are both looking forward to that. We may actually be childless which would even make it better. I am not expecting to make any new friends at this event but just being social will be a nice thing.
It is also her birthday next week and we always seem to have a nice time for birthdays, so we shall see.
The conversation ended with us agreeing to try to figure things out. Me with trying to find happiness and her agreeing to help out more around the house, which will relieve much of the stress that I feel coming into a messy cluttered house.

That was a few weeks ago and things seem to be a bit better... at least we had sex again but that is for a different post.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

A Love Supreme

At some point in everyone's life we are moved by something. Moved to the point where we become obsessed with the object, whether it is music, literature, a painting etc. We feel for an instance that whatever this object is it speaks directly to me.

For me that object or obsession is John Coltrane, A Love Supreme. I first heard the record in college, when I really had no idea what Jazz was and quickly became intrigued. It was this album that inspired me to go head first into Jazz and spend the next few years persuading others to follow. It is also this album that I turn to in trying times and it helps me get my head around things.

At first I tend to lose myself in the saxophone solos, then the amazing piano playing brings me back to reality and sends chills through my spine. I know it sounds a little cliched but I feel alive when I listen to this, so when I am most depressed this makes me realize what I cherish in life.

It is said that Coltrane would meditate during his solos. He would find a religious awakening in the instrument as he mastered it's sound. There are some solos on this album that were his best meditations, where he pushed the range of the saxophone to a higher level. These are the solos that really move me.

Of course it was also my best friend who introduced me to this album. The one that I mentioned on the blog several times, yes the one that died last year. He was an inspiration to me and I love him for that, and I do not get saddened when I think about that aspect of our relationship.

I have inspired others with this album as he has me. Many of my friends from college still comment on how I started them listening to Jazz, and I hope that I can pass on this inspiration to others including my daughter.

If you have some time find a copy of A Love Supreme sit back and listen, it is truly an incredible album.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

On Friendship

I know it has been a while since I posted, and I have pretty much used every excuse as to why but I think it is time to move forward and not worry about the past few months. So here is a new post.

A few weeks ago I started my busy season. I coach a high school sports team and my season starts in January and goes through May. Pretty much during these months all my free time is taking up with the team and the players. My wife knows this but still gets pretty upset that I am not here.

Starting this season off has been worse because of the relationship problems we have. I have covered some of it earlier but for a refresher, my wife is depressed. What makes this worse is she hates everything about our current life, our house, our financial situation, where we live and they fact that she has no friends here.

I do not have a lot of friends here either. I left some of my best friends where we previously lived, but have yet to find some here that we really have a lot in common with. Although I am more of a homebody. I can spend most of my time with my daughter and be happy. I also have my team and players and that keeps me fairly occupied and happy.

My biggest complaint for her is lack of effort. I do agree that it has been hard finding people with similar interests but I know they are out there. My wife though has a hard time meeting anyone. I can walk into a room full of strangers and within minutes know everyone by their first name. She however will never enter the room. When she gets to know someone she tends to have great friends but she can not break the ice much at all.

The other issue is the south. Outdoors here does not mean going hiking or biking or nature walks, it is all about hunting and fishing and killing hogs or deer. I dont have a problem with that and have some good friends that go hunting, but she has a different appreciation for nature and gets angry with hunters. So most of the people we meet are either true southerners or transplants and neither seem to have much in common with us.

Of course that means she takes out most of her frustrations on me and right now our relationship sucks.

I think she needs time to herself or with a new friend. She needs someone to vent to when her day is bad, or when our daughter is not listening. She needs to have a girls night out, or a girls night in where they watch a cheesy movie. I think with those things she will appreciate what she has more and come to like the south.

Right now all she ever thinks about is leaving, and when you have one foot out the door you will never be able to find a solid relationship.

Sunday, January 23, 2011


So I am not sure what I should be thinking about:

What is making me so unhappy or
What I can do to fix it...

I told you earlier that I am stuck in a rut... whether it is the winter months or just being unhappy, I have not been able to reconnect with much of the things that were making me happy earlier.

Even the things that made me happy last year have had no impact on my mood this year.

I really have no idea what is making me so unhappy, it seems to be a combination of things, things much too numerous to list here which is sad in its own right.

This year overall has been good and I have been happy for much of it but even then my relationship with my wife has been failing. She says that we are changing and that neither wants to adapt to the change and maybe that is true, but I think a lot of it falls on where we live and what we have here.

We used to live in an area where we would spend most of our time in the outdoors, hiking, biking, skiing, camping,  fishing, etc... now the only real thing to do outdoors where I live here is the beach and she hates swimming in the ocean so I end up going and taking my daughter and she stays home... and we grow further apart.

So back to my original problem... I can tell you what went wrong. We moved... we moved for a reason that I thought at the time was a good one, but I think may have been one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I know we have to move forward and can not look back but sometimes I wonder what life would have been like had we stayed where we were and just adapted to the environment there.

We left a lot behind when we left and we have yet to find all that we lost.. and that is where I think we failed.

I keep telling myself that there is so much to do here and it is truly a beautiful place, and it is... but just not for me. I moved to the mountains for a reason and now I live in a swamp...

Would things be different had we stayed. I have no idea, and part of the reason that I moved was because of my wife's depression but that is for a different post and is quite a long story... so who knows if things would have been better. I just know now that things here are worse then before and we are on the verge of ending our relationship.

I have become angry and bitter and depressed and everyone has noticed. Like I said in the last post I have distanced myself from many things because of that but now I think it is time to try to fix some of these issues.

Change is not easy so bear with me.. I may be working through some of my issues here or I may be invisible for a little while. I am hoping to jump back in to writing because it is in the writing of my thoughts and feelings that I am able to see some of the things that I need to work on, but it is hard to sit here and write when I am feeling depressed or stressed... I just need to force myself because I know it will make me feel better.

Anyway... tomorrow is a new day. I am taking my first step to hopefully a happier future and am glad to share that with you.

Friday, January 14, 2011


The holidays are always a rough time for me. Especially the last few years. Last year I lost a very good friend in January and the year before my mom was very sick over the holidays and ultimately passed on in March. But that is only a small part of what really bothers me about the holidays.

I thought this year was going to be a better one, because it was the first that I did not have to work a second job. Although we are still struggling financially like almost everyone I know we have been able to keep our budget in check and have made it through without having to rely on extra income.

But of course things were the same as always. It starts in November on my birthday and pretty much lasts through January. This year I was extremely busy with other aspects of my life and had a harder time finding peace and quiet for myself. My job was crazy, my computer work was non-stop and my family was pulling me every which way possible.

It did not help that we ended up adding three new stray dogs to our family, which has been a whole different issue in itself. Maybe it is because of the new stress that this year seems to be worse then usual and my depression is really starting to take a toll on my life. Usually mid-January I am looking towards the spring and a happier time but this year I can not see anything more than tomorrow.

My wife and I have not been getting along at all, and I am getting really upset with the way things are with my daughter and I. Not just upset but I blow up at the smallest little thing now, something that I did only occasionally in the past.

It has shown in the amount that I have posted on here, it shows up in the work that I am doing, and in the time that I spend with my family. I have been retreating, much more then usual. The only good thing is that I recognize it and am trying to get a grip on it before it takes hold permanently. At least I have still been keeping up with my physical fitness and I know that has been helping my mental state.

I am starting to see things getting slightly better, but I know now that I have a lot of work to do. I have a lot of relationships to mend and a lot of situations to finally take control over. Hopefully by the end of this month things will at least resemble normal, but I think it is going to take a lot more time then that.