Sunday, January 23, 2011

Thinking.

So I am not sure what I should be thinking about:

What is making me so unhappy or
What I can do to fix it...

I told you earlier that I am stuck in a rut... whether it is the winter months or just being unhappy, I have not been able to reconnect with much of the things that were making me happy earlier.

Even the things that made me happy last year have had no impact on my mood this year.

I really have no idea what is making me so unhappy, it seems to be a combination of things, things much too numerous to list here which is sad in its own right.

This year overall has been good and I have been happy for much of it but even then my relationship with my wife has been failing. She says that we are changing and that neither wants to adapt to the change and maybe that is true, but I think a lot of it falls on where we live and what we have here.

We used to live in an area where we would spend most of our time in the outdoors, hiking, biking, skiing, camping,  fishing, etc... now the only real thing to do outdoors where I live here is the beach and she hates swimming in the ocean so I end up going and taking my daughter and she stays home... and we grow further apart.

So back to my original problem... I can tell you what went wrong. We moved... we moved for a reason that I thought at the time was a good one, but I think may have been one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I know we have to move forward and can not look back but sometimes I wonder what life would have been like had we stayed where we were and just adapted to the environment there.

We left a lot behind when we left and we have yet to find all that we lost.. and that is where I think we failed.

I keep telling myself that there is so much to do here and it is truly a beautiful place, and it is... but just not for me. I moved to the mountains for a reason and now I live in a swamp...

Would things be different had we stayed. I have no idea, and part of the reason that I moved was because of my wife's depression but that is for a different post and is quite a long story... so who knows if things would have been better. I just know now that things here are worse then before and we are on the verge of ending our relationship.

I have become angry and bitter and depressed and everyone has noticed. Like I said in the last post I have distanced myself from many things because of that but now I think it is time to try to fix some of these issues.

Change is not easy so bear with me.. I may be working through some of my issues here or I may be invisible for a little while. I am hoping to jump back in to writing because it is in the writing of my thoughts and feelings that I am able to see some of the things that I need to work on, but it is hard to sit here and write when I am feeling depressed or stressed... I just need to force myself because I know it will make me feel better.

Anyway... tomorrow is a new day. I am taking my first step to hopefully a happier future and am glad to share that with you.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Understanding

The holidays are always a rough time for me. Especially the last few years. Last year I lost a very good friend in January and the year before my mom was very sick over the holidays and ultimately passed on in March. But that is only a small part of what really bothers me about the holidays.

I thought this year was going to be a better one, because it was the first that I did not have to work a second job. Although we are still struggling financially like almost everyone I know we have been able to keep our budget in check and have made it through without having to rely on extra income.

But of course things were the same as always. It starts in November on my birthday and pretty much lasts through January. This year I was extremely busy with other aspects of my life and had a harder time finding peace and quiet for myself. My job was crazy, my computer work was non-stop and my family was pulling me every which way possible.

It did not help that we ended up adding three new stray dogs to our family, which has been a whole different issue in itself. Maybe it is because of the new stress that this year seems to be worse then usual and my depression is really starting to take a toll on my life. Usually mid-January I am looking towards the spring and a happier time but this year I can not see anything more than tomorrow.

My wife and I have not been getting along at all, and I am getting really upset with the way things are with my daughter and I. Not just upset but I blow up at the smallest little thing now, something that I did only occasionally in the past.

It has shown in the amount that I have posted on here, it shows up in the work that I am doing, and in the time that I spend with my family. I have been retreating, much more then usual. The only good thing is that I recognize it and am trying to get a grip on it before it takes hold permanently. At least I have still been keeping up with my physical fitness and I know that has been helping my mental state.

I am starting to see things getting slightly better, but I know now that I have a lot of work to do. I have a lot of relationships to mend and a lot of situations to finally take control over. Hopefully by the end of this month things will at least resemble normal, but I think it is going to take a lot more time then that.