Sunday, January 23, 2011

Thinking.

So I am not sure what I should be thinking about:

What is making me so unhappy or
What I can do to fix it...

I told you earlier that I am stuck in a rut... whether it is the winter months or just being unhappy, I have not been able to reconnect with much of the things that were making me happy earlier.

Even the things that made me happy last year have had no impact on my mood this year.

I really have no idea what is making me so unhappy, it seems to be a combination of things, things much too numerous to list here which is sad in its own right.

This year overall has been good and I have been happy for much of it but even then my relationship with my wife has been failing. She says that we are changing and that neither wants to adapt to the change and maybe that is true, but I think a lot of it falls on where we live and what we have here.

We used to live in an area where we would spend most of our time in the outdoors, hiking, biking, skiing, camping,  fishing, etc... now the only real thing to do outdoors where I live here is the beach and she hates swimming in the ocean so I end up going and taking my daughter and she stays home... and we grow further apart.

So back to my original problem... I can tell you what went wrong. We moved... we moved for a reason that I thought at the time was a good one, but I think may have been one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I know we have to move forward and can not look back but sometimes I wonder what life would have been like had we stayed where we were and just adapted to the environment there.

We left a lot behind when we left and we have yet to find all that we lost.. and that is where I think we failed.

I keep telling myself that there is so much to do here and it is truly a beautiful place, and it is... but just not for me. I moved to the mountains for a reason and now I live in a swamp...

Would things be different had we stayed. I have no idea, and part of the reason that I moved was because of my wife's depression but that is for a different post and is quite a long story... so who knows if things would have been better. I just know now that things here are worse then before and we are on the verge of ending our relationship.

I have become angry and bitter and depressed and everyone has noticed. Like I said in the last post I have distanced myself from many things because of that but now I think it is time to try to fix some of these issues.

Change is not easy so bear with me.. I may be working through some of my issues here or I may be invisible for a little while. I am hoping to jump back in to writing because it is in the writing of my thoughts and feelings that I am able to see some of the things that I need to work on, but it is hard to sit here and write when I am feeling depressed or stressed... I just need to force myself because I know it will make me feel better.

Anyway... tomorrow is a new day. I am taking my first step to hopefully a happier future and am glad to share that with you.

5 comments:

  1. I check in here all the time. Just wanted you to know. Here, if you want to talk. I just usually show up as offline. Beryl

    ReplyDelete
  2. WEll what do you know that is exactly where I am right now.

    Except as of yesterday I decided to check out.
    Im done with the games and the waiting around and the bullshit. I quit.
    All the crap that has been going on in my life for the last two months has aged me.
    and Im just not willing to do any of it anymore.

    SO I am moving on. Is that the chicken shit way. Yes
    Yes it is.
    But it is a stress free way.

    I wish you the best. just remember sometimes you have to do whatever is going to make you happy no matter how others will receive it.

    xoxox
    Kittycat

    ReplyDelete
  3. Not sure what to say exactly... Have been in the position of ending a relationship and moving on..Was MUCH happier. That being said, I have reflected at times on things that could have been done differently.
    I can relate to the moving thing. We ( new partner and I ) moved 2 years ago away from an area I loved... We both feel that there isn't much to do here ( for us )
    We need to make more of an effort to do stuff with our free time. But as you know sometimes easier said then done.

    ReplyDelete