Thursday, February 24, 2011

On Friendship

I know it has been a while since I posted, and I have pretty much used every excuse as to why but I think it is time to move forward and not worry about the past few months. So here is a new post.

A few weeks ago I started my busy season. I coach a high school sports team and my season starts in January and goes through May. Pretty much during these months all my free time is taking up with the team and the players. My wife knows this but still gets pretty upset that I am not here.

Starting this season off has been worse because of the relationship problems we have. I have covered some of it earlier but for a refresher, my wife is depressed. What makes this worse is she hates everything about our current life, our house, our financial situation, where we live and they fact that she has no friends here.

I do not have a lot of friends here either. I left some of my best friends where we previously lived, but have yet to find some here that we really have a lot in common with. Although I am more of a homebody. I can spend most of my time with my daughter and be happy. I also have my team and players and that keeps me fairly occupied and happy.

My biggest complaint for her is lack of effort. I do agree that it has been hard finding people with similar interests but I know they are out there. My wife though has a hard time meeting anyone. I can walk into a room full of strangers and within minutes know everyone by their first name. She however will never enter the room. When she gets to know someone she tends to have great friends but she can not break the ice much at all.

The other issue is the south. Outdoors here does not mean going hiking or biking or nature walks, it is all about hunting and fishing and killing hogs or deer. I dont have a problem with that and have some good friends that go hunting, but she has a different appreciation for nature and gets angry with hunters. So most of the people we meet are either true southerners or transplants and neither seem to have much in common with us.

Of course that means she takes out most of her frustrations on me and right now our relationship sucks.

I think she needs time to herself or with a new friend. She needs someone to vent to when her day is bad, or when our daughter is not listening. She needs to have a girls night out, or a girls night in where they watch a cheesy movie. I think with those things she will appreciate what she has more and come to like the south.

Right now all she ever thinks about is leaving, and when you have one foot out the door you will never be able to find a solid relationship.

5 comments:

  1. I am pretty much like your wife. I don't have lots of friends (and don't feel the need to) and have trouble making new friendships. I'm also fine with staying home, but do other stuff outside and enjoy the occasional girls night out. Sometimes I wish I had more friends, sometimes not. :)

    I found a website (it runs in the US too) that allows me to find other people with similar interests: www.meetup.com. (no, they are not paying me for the advertisement, LOL)

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  2. Does she have any type of hobby or interest? Anything at all that gives her some pleasure? I can speak from the depression view because I am clinically depressed but I have/need to work and have developed interests - it is absolutely mandatory, otherwise I'd just keep sinking lower and lower. If she is unwilling and/or unable to help herself, you won't be able to do anything. SHE has to WANT to change her life. Just like an addict. Is she seeing a therapist? Taking medication? If not, she needs that, too.

    I wish I could sound more positive but depression isn't. I can only send you some positive energy and hope that she will decide to make her life worth living. Oh, YOU are not the problem.

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  3. GLad to see you back again.
    Im sorry that things havent gotten any better.

    Maybe if she joined some kind of group she could meet people.
    Like scrap booking? The gym- yoga class? College course maybe? photography?

    Hope things get better.

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  4. In my experience the cornerstone to genuine satisfaction and happiness (even in the face of difficult circumstances) is the joy of friendship, especially within a marriage. Every day clearly can't be roses and sunshine, but even the most difficult town, region, group of people, financial situation, work situation is all made brighter when you have a partner to share the load and point out the laughs.

    I feel for you, Bader and sincerely hope it (and she) gets better. Being a child of the Deep South myself, I know that even deep within the hunting, fishing, quilting and crafting communities, there are people who enjoy hiking, biking, nature, music, art, etc. And even those who don't often have many other redeeming qualities and are, in their hearts, often wonderful people. Of course, my guess is you already know that and the problem isn't lack of opportunities (even though they may be more limitted than you both had before) but rather lack of willingness to embrace what options are there and find a new groove in a new place.

    Best of luck to you.

    (Oh, and Coltrane is a wonderful way to slip you mind into a better state. May I also recommend John Hiatt. He isn't jazz, but his melody's and lyrics are often wonderful tonic when you need clear-eyed and kindly take on a challenging world.)

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