Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The Fantasy of an Affair

I have a confession to make. More like a realization that I have come to terms with.

Before starting this blog, I was looking for some sort of outlet for my desires. I thought that with all the issues that I have been having with my marriage that maybe an affair would be what I wanted, although I could never bring myself to cheat.

And that is the realization that I had. No matter what I do online, searching for porn, posting the Ashley Madison ad, browsing Craigslist, it is no more then curiosity and maybe trying to make myself feel good.

What my relationship is lacking mainly is the lack of compliments from my spouse, and good sex, but that is a different post. My wife has low self esteem and she feels that if she is complimenting me that she will feel bad herself. I spent the last two years getting in shape, not because I want a compliment but it helps to have her acknowledge that I look good.

That is what drives me to peruse the online ads and think about some sort of affair. Of course that is how a lot of affairs begin, although I can never get past the searching.

It is also what started me posting the HNT pictures, because I liked the attention that I was receiving and it also made me feel like I was part of a group that I really respect. Part of the people that I read on a fairly regular basis.

Recently I have been transforming my image slightly. I am not sure if it is merely a matter of my approaching forty or if I am getting bored with things the way they are. I started working from home and now do not spend a lot of time in front of the clients anymore, so I started playing around with my facial hair.

I now have pretty big sideburns and am growing a goatee, no mustache, just a goatee. The funny thing is that I am shaving most of the rest of my body but growing more hair on my face.

Yesterday I asked my wife how she felt about the little changes and she said she noticed them the other day and was going to say something. For a second her eyes lit up and she said she likes the sideburns. I could see the old desire in her eyes as she told me. So maybe I am doing the right thing.

I guess in all of this I am just looking for validation that I am still desired. The rest is just pure fantasy.


Tuesday, September 6, 2011

I had the feeling

I had the feeling that she wanted to talk. That she was wondering what our future held for our family.

My job has been talking about moving me out to Colorado since our contract ended a few months back. I have a few major projects to work on before they make a decision but for now I work from home.

The issue is that things are moving forward with my career yet there are a lot of decisions the company has to make before everything can happen. Things like cost of relocation, pay rate increase for cost of living, whether the move will be the right step for both the company and myself. So it is not a decision that will be taken lightly.

And of course my family is somewhat in limbo. We all want to make the move, we never did like the south all that much and its way too hot for my taste. I always preferred the snow anyway so it makes sense to move again.

That night though all I wanted to do was sleep. My allergies were acting up and I had taken a bunch of medicine. I tried to talk to her because I know she is concerned and since losing her Mom her family wants us to be closer to them.

Really, I don't know what to say. She does not understand that I have no new information and that I do not want to push the company to make the decision for me. I feel that if I do, it might not be to my best interest. They may not pay as much in relocation fees, I may not get the pay increase.

I assured her that things were going to happen and probably the way that we wanted them to, but I dont think that was enough. I had the feeling that she wanted to talk but I was not ready to answer any of her questions.