I have a confession to make. More like a realization that I have come to terms with.
Before starting this blog, I was looking for some sort of outlet for my desires. I thought that with all the issues that I have been having with my marriage that maybe an affair would be what I wanted, although I could never bring myself to cheat.
And that is the realization that I had. No matter what I do online, searching for porn, posting the Ashley Madison ad, browsing Craigslist, it is no more then curiosity and maybe trying to make myself feel good.
What my relationship is lacking mainly is the lack of compliments from my spouse, and good sex, but that is a different post. My wife has low self esteem and she feels that if she is complimenting me that she will feel bad herself. I spent the last two years getting in shape, not because I want a compliment but it helps to have her acknowledge that I look good.
That is what drives me to peruse the online ads and think about some sort of affair. Of course that is how a lot of affairs begin, although I can never get past the searching.
It is also what started me posting the HNT pictures, because I liked the attention that I was receiving and it also made me feel like I was part of a group that I really respect. Part of the people that I read on a fairly regular basis.
Recently I have been transforming my image slightly. I am not sure if it is merely a matter of my approaching forty or if I am getting bored with things the way they are. I started working from home and now do not spend a lot of time in front of the clients anymore, so I started playing around with my facial hair.
I now have pretty big sideburns and am growing a goatee, no mustache, just a goatee. The funny thing is that I am shaving most of the rest of my body but growing more hair on my face.
Yesterday I asked my wife how she felt about the little changes and she said she noticed them the other day and was going to say something. For a second her eyes lit up and she said she likes the sideburns. I could see the old desire in her eyes as she told me. So maybe I am doing the right thing.
I guess in all of this I am just looking for validation that I am still desired. The rest is just pure fantasy.