Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Breathing In

Breathing in, I calm body and mind.
Breathing out, I smile.
Dwelling in the present moment
I know this is the only moment.
                               -Thich Nhat Hanh

I feel pretty emotional right now. Not in a bad way, just in an emotional way. Was watching some clips of an old program that I used to watch when I was younger and it brought back a flood of memories.

So I spent some time going through music that I used to listen too and now I am thinking that I need to revisit some of my roots. Maybe a weekend of nostalgia or something like that. I know I can not relive the memories but having some of the old music and videos around will at least make me think about them again.

I do find myself saying quite often that they don't make music like they used to or they don't make movies like they used to. Don't get me wrong there is a lot of good music out there now, even more so then the early 2000s. We are finally seeing some good bands come out instead of the same crappy ones that are overplayed.

So maybe a weekend of revisiting some of my favorites will help with the emotions. Maybe it will bring more, but those were happy days and even the ones that were not are over now and its time to live in the present. Of course sometimes its fun to bring back the past.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Opening Up On a Long Hidden Memory

In light of all these reports on child sexual abuse, I want to share something from my past that very few people know about. I am not even sure if I have ever told my wife about this, but this is a good opportunity to talk about it.

Warning to those readers, this story talks essentially about child rape, so if its a sensitive issue for you please do not read any further.

The details of what happened are very vague, it only happened once and it happened so quickly I can not remember everything. I believe I was in the fourth grade, I am trying to date some of the other things that happened at the time so I can remember exactly how old I was.

We were playing with some friends over my neighbors house. The usually things a fourth grader would be doing, hide and seek, man hunt etc. There was an older boy that had been wandering around and watching us from the street. We just started to play another round of man hunt and I was the one that was it. So everyone ran and I closed my eyes.

When I counted to 20 I opened them and started looking for my friends. The older boy called me over and told me to follow him, he knew where some of the kids had hid, so I did. We lived across the street from a wooded area with a pond. I followed him along the side of the pond and then he turned around holding a knife.

He asked me what I thought of the knife and told me that I would have to do anything he said or he would cut me. Looking back now I realized it was a small knife and I probably should have just ran but back then I had no idea what to do.

He told me he wanted me to lick his cock, I am not sure how I felt at that point since it was so long ago, but I was scared. He pulled down his pants and put his penis in front of my face and told me to kiss it. I stepped back but he grabbed me and told me again. So I kissed it. He told me to get down on my knees and he sat down in front of me. He then told me to put it in my mouth. I started crying at this point and he just forced my head down.

I gagged as I felt his penis hit the back of my throat and cried again that I couldn't do it. He pushed once more and this time I was really crying, so he just stopped and got up. He pulled his pants up and told me to close my eyes and count to 100, so I did. I could hear him running through the woods and when I stopped counting I opened my eyes and he was gone.

I ran out of the woods and back to my friends house. They were all wondering what happened to me since the game was obviously over and I had not found any of them. I told them I was over by the pond and was bored with the game. I looked back to see if the older boy was around but he had left.

At one point I tried to tell my parents about it but I did not want anyone to know. I was not scared that he would find me but more scared of what people would think about me.

I am not ashamed about what happened, I don't feel guilt anymore. I do not think I have any lasting psychological problems from it, although I have never been analysed in that way. It only happened once and I never did see the kid again. Writing this now has not unearthed any ill feelings, but I did want to share how I felt seeing all the issues we are facing in the news these days.

I know how I felt at the time, I was a scared little kid. I can imagine how these other victims felt and how vile the people are that prey on these kids. A child molester is one of the worst types of criminal, they are heartless and selfish and despite what they say or think, they do not love children.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

A Celebration of Sorts

Well today is my birthday.  Yes, believe it or not, I turn 40 today.

I don't feel 40. I have been working very hard to get to where I am physically and mentally. Over the past few years I have changed a lot of my life to get to 40 feeling much better than I did at 20 and I think I accomplished that.

The only thing that I get a little disappointed in is that I wish I was further along in my career. I see my friends from college and they are all completely successful, have great jobs and careers and are financially stable. However, I still struggle everyday. While I enjoy my career and I have a good job, I feel like I should be further up the ranks.

The difference is that I decided to enjoy my life right after college. Made some choices that may not have been the best career choices but choices that I do not regret at all.

Lets see.

The year after college I moved out to California to become a lift operator at Squaw Valley. I skied everyday during the winter and went to the beach on Lake Tahoe everyday during the summer. A few years later I found myself in Utah, again working for a ski shop and skiing quite a bit the first few years.

While I did not get a great job in Utah I did get one that was along my career path. The upside was that everyday I could go to the river to fly fish, go mountain biking or hiking in the mountains or skiing when there was snow. I could go camping on the weekends by just driving my truck into the mountains and not see another soul.

So while my friends all hit the grind right after college, moving to New York City or Boston and working there way up the ladders, I played. I traded the suits and tie for ski bibs. Instead of hailing a cab, I rode my bike through the aspen grooves, I fed wolves while I house sat for a trainer that trained bears and wolves for movies and I do not look back and think I should have moved to New York instead.

At 40, yes I do wish my career was further along, but I would not trade anything for the experiences that I have had in my life. I have stories that I can tell that not many people have. Being scared to death that I am going to be attacked by a mountain lion, alone in the middle of Idaho with an ax in one hand and a flashlight in the other. Being the first up to the top of a ski slope after the patrol completed the avalanche control and the first to make tracks down. Camping in the snow on valentines day with the women and the dogs that I love. Driving 10 hours at night over a mountain pass in a '72 Land Cruiser that did not have any working lights other than the headlights, then having it overheat 5 miles from where we needed to be.

I could go on, at 40 I have lived a full life, and there is much more to come.

So Happy Birthday to me. Let see how I feel when I hit 50.

Friday, November 4, 2011

A Massage

Will you rub my back she said as I walked into the room getting ready for bed. As tired as I was I was not up to it but decided to be the good sport and help her out.

It had been a long day for all of us and we all needed a little relaxation.

So I started rubbing her back over her shirt, half-assed hoping that she would just say forget it and let me get to sleep. But for some reason I was not feeling all that tired and started to feel a bit horny. Of course it does not take me long to get hard but I was trying to not turn this into anything sexual since most of the time if I push too fast she backs away.

I went on rubbing, this time a little better and more concentrated on her neck and shoulders. My hands began to pull her shirt slowly off the small of her back and I moved them under the fabric.

I heard her say, "don't get any ideas," but I was being very careful and just continued to massage.

My hands explored her back as I pulled her shirt up more and this time she did not offer much resistance. I was helping her to feel comfortable and she was allowing me to go further. I ran my hands slowly from her neck down her spine to the small of her back and circled back up to her neck. She loves it when I tickle the hair on her back, just softly caressing her.

Since we were both fairly relaxed I decided to take it one step further and slowly pull down her pajama bottoms. I revealed just enough to caress the top of her ass but not enough to make her uncomfortable. Although my hands were under the material and moving along her cheeks slowly moving up and down her back.

Feeling confident I pushed my hand a little further and parted her legs, she did not resist and opened up a little for me to move closer to her pussy. I teased a little more, bringing my fingers in contact with her labia but just briefly touching and moving back up to her shoulders.

After a few minutes of this, I decided it was time to pull her bottoms completely off, which she ended up helping me with. This exposed her completely and I started moving my hands from her thighs to her back each time briefly touching her pussy.

A moan escaped her lips as I paused a little longer between her legs. I could feel her wetness and knew she was ready for a finger. My fingers pushed softly against her labia and I pushed one finger in slowly. She pushed back slightly and I moved my fingers around and found her clit. I began to rub her clit as she raised her ass off the bed. Increasing my speed she matched my fingers with her hips until she was moaning out loud and grinding against my fingers.

'Don't stop,' she moaned. I pushed harder and faster into her with my one hand and rubbed her clit with my other. She shuddered and pushed back against my hand for one last thrust and then fell back onto the bed.

I stopped rubbing and moved back behind her. My dick was completely hard and ready to enter her from behind. I pulled my boxers down and slowly pushed my dick against her pussy. She moaned again as I entered her. Slowly I pushed it in and pulled it out, wanting to last as long as I could.

It did not take me long to start pushing hard against her, moving faster and faster as I grabbed her hips. She arched back again as I thrust into her. Slowly down a bit to keep the moment longer, I leaned into her to put my mouth on her neck. We were both breathing heavy now and I stayed like that as I pulled all the way out and pushed hard back into her. She had her face buried in the pillow and her hands were pushing back against the wall so she could meet my thrusts.

I picked up the pace, leaned back and with one last thrust I reached my orgasm. I collapsed down on top of her with my dick still inside and kissed her cheek.

"That was fun," she said and she smiled.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

HNT Upside Down

My life feels like it is upside down right now.

It is not a bad thing, but there is a lot of uncertainty with my job and where we live. We may be moving with the company but when and where is completely up in the air and we will not know until after the holidays.

I am not complaining. I want to move, but it would be nice to know where I am going, and recently we found out that we may be staying longer with a new contract doing the same job that I was doing for the last seven years.

Change is coming, and I am ready for it. I just want to have a better idea of how much is really going to change.

Anyway, this is probably one of my favorite HNT pictures so far. I had fun trying to figure out how to take the picture without falling over. I have some outtakes that I will put in a new post.

I hope you enjoy the picture, there will be more to come in the next few weeks.

Happy HNT, visit Os to see who else is participating on this wonderful Thursday.