As I mentioned in a previous post, weekend sex is the only type of sex that I can now have. And the three times I have had sex since I have been back from the field is a record for the past month.
Of course this Sunday after a failed attempt I started wondering if the pattern would once again reveal itself. The pattern of sex maybe once every third month. I did tell her that I was enjoying the new pattern, and could not go back to the sex maybe 5 times a year one, and she agreed but that did not help the situation.
I know this week has been hard and it will continue to be hard with Mother's day coming up and it being the first since my wife's mom passed away last year. She is also still unemployed and has been trying to find a job. So the stress and depression have been a lot for her.
She told me the other night that she was not happy with the way our relationship was going. I was surprised because since we have moved I have been nothing but supportive, caring, loving, giving, etc... I have tried to keep my anger down to a minimum and am in love with this place and everything about it. I was not pushing her to find a job yet. I was helping with my daughter as much as I could and doing everything that I had been doing in the past and not once complaining about it.
Our relationship, to me, was better than it has been in years. We were talking and laughing and spending more time together and having sex.
But her depression got hold and it became a downward spiral. That is the problem with depression, especially with her. It does not take much to bring her down and when she gets down everything is terrible including our rekindled relationship.
So I got upset, tried to rationalize our relationship with her and how I was feeling and said one of the worst things that you can say to a depressed person. 'What is wrong with you?' 'I just don't understand'.
Realizing that I had said those words, I just decided it would be better to go watch TV and give her some space. The conversation from that point would have been anti-productive and could have led to worse things being said.
A short while later she called me into the bedroom and apologized to me. She explained that she felt so lost at times and when she needed to call her mom, she knew she would not be there. I said I was sorry too, I told her that whatever she needed I would be there.
So maybe the old pattern will not reveal itself again, or maybe it will. The only thing that I can do is keep trying and hoping that she will open up to me more than she has in the past. It took her 10 years to find peace in her fathers death, I hope that she will find peace a lot sooner this time.
I know I have learned a lot since then and hope that with my support we will be able to get through this time together.
Everything including our relationship has been better since we moved, I just hope that we do not sink back to our old selves.
We had a moment, that I hope will last a lot longer.