Monday, July 9, 2012

A Sunday Morning Conversation

If you read the post from last week you would know that I have been a little depressed lately, although things had started to look up. However Friday afternoon I received a text from my wife claiming that she was not doing well again and decided to stay home after lunch.

Apparently she was having another panic attack and decided to take a few attivan to help her feel better. So I called her work and let them know she would not be returning for the day.

It took a lot of energy not to just pack up and leave work early to see if I could do anything to help, but I have learned that sometimes it is best just to let her rest and talk to her later.

Unfortunately for me she had taken quite a bit of attivan and was completely out of it when I got home. No, she did not take enough for me to rush her off to the hospital, I have been there before, but I keep warning her that one day 'not enough' could still be fatal.

She was still somewhat coherent and could move around the apartment, I could just tell she was very relaxed and would not be able to have a serious conversation.

So Saturday I let her sleep in a bit. When she finally got up we decided to go to the arts festival across town. It was an okay day aside from the fact that we had torrential rains and my wife fell in Nordstroms on the way back to the car. 

That night was pretty uneventful. We ate dinner my daughter went to a friends house and my wife went to bed early, pretty much routine on Saturday night.

So Sunday morning when my wife came out to the living room she decided to tell me her feelings.

"I have made a decision," she said. "One that is probably not a good one. I decided that I am not going back to work again."

At the time, I was feeling better, but this hit me hard in the gut. I replied, "Okay." I knew she hated her job but like most people I was hoping that she would try to find a new job while continuing to work. She is not like most people though and I should know this by now.

So we talked about it and then she said, "Also, it is unfair for me to be with you right now, because I feel that I am just bringing you down again." So I asked, "Do you want to separate?" 

She said she was not sure, but did not want me to feel depressed anymore, and she felt that she was the reason for most of my depression.

We have both considered this before, but usually we work things out and move on. If you are a regular reader on this blog you would know some of the things that I have gone through and would see why this would not be a terrible idea.

So we considered it, talked some more, thought about our daughter and how she would feel. While this would probably be a good thing for the both of us, it would be devastating for our daughter. I know that kids are resilient but our daughter already has some emotional issues that we are working through this would completely put her over the edge.

After a pretty long conversation back and forth I told her what I felt. Part of the reason she hates her job is that she is a day care provider for 18 months to 2 year olds, 15 of them. Remember what my daughter was like at that age, I could not imagine 15 of them running around. So I understand her frustration with the job. I just also understand the financial burden and how it would affect the entire family.

We came up with a compromise, essentially an ultimatum for her employer. If she could get in a different class she would stay, otherwise instead of quitting immediately she would put in her two weeks notice and start looking for another job.

With the economy the way that it is I am extremely nervous about her finding a job, but continuing on in this one would probably be much worse in the long run and could either end in hospitalization, divorce, or even death if she takes the wrong combination, whatever that outcome the financial and emotional burden would be far worse than a temporary set back.

The rest of the day went pretty well, with some cleaning and organizing and more talking about today, but it put me back into the funk that I was getting out of on Friday. We decided not to separate and she told me she really did not want to, but was feeling guilty for the way that I have been feeling.

Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like without her... if you have read this blog from the beginning you would probably be wondering the same thing. Then I think about what her life would be without me, am I an enabler? Would she be forced to be more independent and get off a lot of the medications she is on? Would she be happy? Would she finally go back to school and do what she really wants?

I am not sure how to answer any of those questions without giving up hope that together we can do all those things and more.

2 comments:

  1. I read but don't remember so forgive me. Are you on any medication for your depression? Is there someone you both can see....not a marriage counselor but someone who can help you with how to help each other as well as yourself with the emotional issues you both have? For your daughter's sake it would be better if you stayed together, given her emotional state. Examine your love for each other. I care.

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    Replies
    1. I am not on any medication, my depression is more environmental then chemical. Usually it lasts a few days and then I feel better. We did have a counselor at our old address that helped us help each other, it was my wife's bimonthly visit and I would go from time to time so I could talk with the therapist and he could offer assistance in how to handle certain situations. We need to find a good one out here to do the same.

      We do feel that it would be better to stay together for everyone's sake too... I know she does not always feel what she says, part of her depression. Her therapist thinks its borderline personality disorder which I tend to agree with... and one of the most famous books from that is "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me." Which pretty much sums up our relationship at various times.

      I appreciate your comment and no problem for not remembering there is a lot to remember.

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