Saturday, December 21, 2013

Divergence

The path we travel in life is rarely point A to point B.  We never follow a straight line from birth to death, more likely we change directions at many points along the way.  Sometimes moving forward sometimes backwards but never in a straight line.

At various points along the way we have to make choices that change the path forward.  We divert from our goals to make plans and set different goals.  It was always a plan of mine to live in California, and while I did for a few years, opportunities and decisions changed my direction and I found myself back in New Jersey.

When I moved back out west I felt again I was destined to stay where I was for the rest of my life and once again plans changed and I found myself in the South.  While I lived for a few months in the south I never thought I would live there for any length of time.  After eight years I found myself back out west and again find myself saying that I am never going to leave this place.

We never know where the path is going to take us and why we change our minds.  Sometimes its for a job, sometimes its for a girl like California to New Jersey, sometimes it is out of necessity, no it is not like I am a wanted criminal in the South, well at least I do not think so.

I turned 40 a few years ago and once again I found myself in the midst of change.  Moving from the south back out west and move dictated by my job, although I was not complaining.

Each leg of the journey has brought a change in my life.  I travel in different groups and find my interests changing a bit here and there.  While I remain the same personality wise, I find my decisions to be based more on how the rest of my life will be affected.  Maybe its that I am growing up finally, settling down.

I am happier than I have ever been with where I live and the job that I do.  I enjoy the people I work with and have met some good people here.  Of course we still struggle to find friends, which I understand is difficult as we grow older.

I am interested in the city I live in and the history of it.  Something I never felt in the south, even though I lived in a city that probably has more history than most others in the entire US.

I find myself wanting to spend more time downtown, taking the train and exploring what it has to offer.

I have volunteered for various organizations and am now on the board of one.  While I do some of these things to further my career, others I do to involve myself in the life of the city.

I told someone the other day that I am now so busy its been crazy, but I am happy.

Sometimes I wonder though if I am putting more effort into my career and ignoring my personal life.

My wife and I have a good relationship but it still suffers quite a bit without the intimacy.  We have not been working on our issues lately, and most of that is holiday related but some is because we are both extremely busy.

I know its hard to balance work and personal life, and I need to find that balance.  I always make the statement though that I have to be happy in my work to stay happy in my personal life.  It's a viscous cycle.

What has happened in the past is I have been unhappy in my work and ended up making changes that affect my personal life which sometimes is not always a good thing.  The move from the west to the south was probably a mistake for my personal life.  Was good for my career, but our relationship suffered quite a bit.

So now that I am happy with work and where I live, it should not be too hard to work on my personal life.  Unfortunately I am not sure what to do.  I tend to ignore the things that I need to focus on and immerse myself in my work, which is maybe what I am doing.

As you can see, around and around I go.

At least the path forward is just that forward.  I am not planning on going backwards anymore.  I look to the future and I see what needs to be done.  I am just not sure how I am going to get there.

Every day I take a new step and ultimately I will reach my goals.  I just know that some of them will come later than I had originally planned, but at least I know they are coming.

This christmas like every other christmas we have been struggling through with finances.  This year though we are doing much better than previous and our outlook for next is better.  I can see things settling down finally and we can focus on the next goal.  Last year we had to dig out of a hole, and while I will still be digging, the hole is much shallower.

Anyway,  Happy Holidays to everyone that still reads my blog!  And thanks for joining me on this journey, I promise not to diverge too much in the future.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

We had sex...

Progress was being made, we were enjoying each others company.  Then things changed for the worse.

I had been traveling.  A few days north of our border for work, but returned home last Friday evening. Things were going well at least I thought they were.

Saturday morning I woke up early and started massaging her back.  She said she was tired and so I went out to the couch to watch some television and let her sleep a little longer.

When she finally did make it out to the living room the discussion began.

We talked about making progress, about how she felt.  I thought things were going wrong but according to her we were way off.  She told me she did not want to even try to have sex at this point, things were moving too fast for her.

Then things got somewhat ugly.  Things were said that should not have been said and while we did not once raise our voices, the argument was clear.  I told her basically we were roommates and I was not happy with the situation.  She told me she was not sure how she felt and maybe she would be better off on her own.

The timing was bad, since we had plans for that day.  I was angry but not sure what to do.

That evening when we were finally alone we talked again.  I told her plainly that I needed more in our relationship and not just a friendship.  I told her that I loved her but if we did not at least decide on a path forward that maybe it would be better if it ended.

We talked for a while and finally came to a conclusion, that we would need to work on this together.  We both loved each other very much and needed to keep the relationship alive.

One step forwards two steps back, to quote an old cliche.

That night we slept and things looked at least better again.

The next morning we were left on our own for a while.  Our daughter has been going to church with a friend, and our friend was not set to arrive until later that day.

While we were watching the morning programs, I decided to get up and go to the couch to lay with her.  We kissed and each of us said we were sorry for what was said yesterday.  I told her that its not good that we have no intimacy, and that for me being intimate with her is part of my love for her.

She agreed and we kissed more.  I was hard by this time but trying not to think about it.  I knew I did not want to pressure her into sex but my body had different thoughts.  We laid like that for a little while, kissing and touching each other until she had to get up to pee.  I guess my full weight on her bladder and two full cups of coffee were working against us.

After she finished she sat back down with me and curled up in my arms.  Again I started kissing her neck and talking with her.  She responded by kissing me back passionately.

Trying again not to force the issue, I got up and started cleaning for our guest's arrival.  And she started taking down the Halloween decorations.  I would pass by her from time to time and brush up against her.

At one point she was pulling the tape off of our door and I leaned in and kissed her neck.  She whispered I know what you are trying to do and its not going to work.  I told her that I was not trying to have sex with her if that is what she meant, I just like the intimacy of our situation.

She turned back to me and said, okay we can do it.  Of course I was startled, not that my body did not want it or my flirting with her was not somewhat intentional but I would have been content if we were just kissing and hugging, first steps right.

I quickly asked her if she really wanted to and she said yes, so we rushed off to the bedroom and started getting undressed.  Since she told me the other day that she could not do the foreplay yet I told her at least we can be quick.

So we got naked and jumped into bed, my hand going down between her legs.

I was surprised by how wet she was, and commented on her being aroused by the kissing.  She just smiled at me and told me to be gentle.

My fingers, moist with her wetness, massaged her clit.  Slowly circling and then going back and forth.  She had her head tilted back and her eyes closed and a small moan escaped her lips.  I picked up the pace and her body responded.  Right there I heard her say, don't stop.  My fingers moved faster and faster on her clit.

She arched her back a little and said again, don't stop.  Her body tensed and she moaned loudly as I brought her to her first orgasm.

I slowly slid my cock into her wet pussy, lifting her leg slightly to push deeper.  She held me tight for a moment and I stopped when I was fully into her.

Moving slowly I pulled out and pushed back into her as deep as I could go.  Picking up the pace I could feel my body getting closer, something I wanted to prolong.  So I pulled out and told her to lie on her stomach.

When I got behind her I pushed into her hard but held it there so I could regain some stamina.  Moving in and out very slowly I would pull my cock almost all the way out to the head and then just as slowly push back into her.

I knew I could not hold out much longer so I stopped for a second when I was all the way in and bent down to kiss her neck.  As I did so I started to pick up the pace again and leaned up on my hands.  I dropped my head down and watched as my cock entered her pussy faster and faster.

We both moaned loudly and in one final push I released into her in several spasms.  My body collapsed onto her and I told her that I wished that I could have lasted longer.  She said she did not mind at all and it was wonderful.

I pulled out and we both got washed up.  She jumped in the shower and I started cleaning again.  The last thing I wanted was for our apartment to smell like sex when our friend arrived.

So maybe it was my intention to get her in bed, and maybe it worked.  But at least we have taken a good first step to reviving our intimacy.

Friday, October 25, 2013

The Conversation Begins

Last night I finally brought up our relationship.

I started out with one of those, 'I think we need to talk about our relationship.'  I could see the look in her eye as I am sure her heart skipped a beat.

I asked her why she gave me that look and she replied that anytime those words are spoken it usually is something bad.

'It is something bad,' I told her. 'But not in the way that you think.'

I brought up my unhappiness, our lack of intimacy.  The fact that we do not show any affection towards each other, etc.  We rarely fight, which is a good thing.  But her point about that is we show no feelings at all towards each other.  Like many other couples faced with the same dilemma, we have become roommates.

It was a perfect conversation.  Our daughter was out playing with a friend.  I was cooking dinner and we had not yet turned on the television.

She talked about her issues as she always does and I stopped her and said, 'this is why we are talking.'  'We never do talk about what you really want, or how you really feel.'

My wife did talk about her feelings, how she is not attracted to anyone, men or women.  And most of that stems from her previous abuse, again I alluded to it in a previous post.

Of course I know that she loves me, but I also know its not much more than caring for a friend at this point.

So how do we get that romance back, I asked her.  We had some great intimacy when we first started dating and even in the first few years of marriage.  Things changed after her first miscarriage, and it went downhill fast after that.

I laid it out on the table, I am willing to do whatever it takes to get back to those days.  Find out what can help her get through those bad memories and replace them with the good ones.  I will use our therapist's suggestion of sensual touch without sex, and hopefully we will get past the tough times together.

As the conversation progress something very interesting happened.  We talked more about her abuse and what techniques we can use to overcome those and also talked about my desires and how we can deal with that.

This is where it got interesting.  I probed her about her feelings and she mentioned that even though she does not want sex she has what she termed bizarre dreams.  Erotic dreams, dreams where she is essentially dominated, not necessarily abused.  She said that even though it feels like I am being abused in my dreams I wake up incredibly aroused.

I suggested that she is basically a submissive.  That out of her abuse her body has found a way to overcome that mental anguish and turn it into something erotic.  So we discussed exploring that side of her.  Not sexually at first but mentally.  Allow her to express her feelings for that type of situation.  I suggested reading erotic novels.  She was a little nervous about that since she did not want to read a rape fantasy, and I agreed with her.

She wants to understand submission but not being abused.  Where the guy has total control over the situation and she ultimately lets go of her feelings and just gives in to the guys desires.  Of course I told her we can do whatever makes her feel comfortable.

I also explained without revealing too much detail that I had some good sources for some erotica that she would really enjoy.

Of course we laid the groundwork to get through this rut, and even at one point the suggestion of me having a girlfriend FWB type situation to help was brought up.  At this point I think we need to focus on her, but neither of us shot that suggestion down.  She even said that it could actually help her while helping me.

We shall see what becomes of all of this, but at least its a start.

Last night we laid in bed together and I rubbed my hand on her back, something she really likes.  Sensual touching without sex, it may be something that I need to get used to, but if the end result is more sex how can I refuse.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

The Doldrums

Doldrums by definition are described as an oceanic area where the prevailing winds are calm.  A divergence of the two streams that create an area where the winds basically do not blow.

In the Phantom Toolbooth, the Doldrums were a colorless place where thinking and laughing are not allowed.

Is that what a 13 year marriage leads to.. the doldrums?  Are we destined to boredom, a lull as one of my fellow bloggers put it in a recent chat session.

Why do we become bored so easily?  Why do we let ourselves get in this rut?

My life is the same routine.  Work, dinner, watch television, read, sleep.  Everyday is the same.  Even when I am confronted with the possibility of a sexy evening I tend to not even try.

Maybe its the fear of rejection, maybe its that I am in a rut too.

This seems to be the recipe that cause most people to cheat... its not a midlife crisis, its the doldrums.

Its the boredom that you feel when you come home to the same thing every night.  The same situation at home.  The same emotional response from your spouse.

I constantly read articles about how to spice up your sexlife.  How to bring that spark back.  But the doldrums seem to swallow us all at some point.

Writing this blog was an attempt to navigate the doldrums, to get out of the rut that I found myself in.  I tend to get out but find my way right back in.

When we first moved out west, our lives were fantastic.  Sex was great, our situation was wonderful and we were happy.  As that faded we found our way back in the lull.

My wife told me the other day that sex is the furthest thing from her mind... I said that's funny because its the first thing I think of when I wake up, and quite possibly all I think about when I sleep.

She said, well that is your problem... Hun, I think this is a bit of our problem.  Sex may not lead me out of the doldrums but it may at least allow me to find the path.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

To be wanted...

Is it our desire to be wanted, to be pleased?

Sometimes I wonder if that is all that I need.  Even just to be acknowledged that I exist.

I flirt, that is what I do.  I do it because I want others to feel the same way that I do.  That there is a person out there that finds me interesting or attractive.

I enjoy the conversation.  I listen to them when they talk.  I am not there just to pick them up although it is fun to make those types of suggestions.

Maybe it comes from the fact that I like to talk.  Maybe it is because I do not feel that I am getting the attention at home.

My wife always said I was a flirt.  She knew that before we were married so she understands if I still do it.

I would never consider myself a player but I like to work the room when I am at an event or a party.  Make small talk with people, observe their behavior.

Sometimes I just sit back and watch.  That is probably the most useful for me.  Observe people's reactions to other people's conversations.  It is amazing how you can pick up boredom just from the way a person stands.

It is at those times that I may approach and rescue the person, seems to work wonders for a conversation.

Again my wife confuses confidence for arrogance.  I never consider myself arrogant, I just like to talk with new people.

Maybe it is because I like to think that my conversation was interesting and that maybe she finds me attractive.  Either way it is a far cry from when I was younger and never talked with anyone.

My wife seems to have so many other things on her mind... and I never seem to be one of them.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Wants and Needs

It will be a long road, and I understand it.

We talked about it before but never did act on it.  It makes her uncomfortable and I understand.

She has a problem opening up to anyone, she fears being vulnerable.

Her therapist suggested non-sexual touching.  Massage and touch but no sex.

Its hard but I have to try to restrain myself.  I know it will be better in the end.

Maybe I can get her to open up to me finally after 13 years of marriage.

I tried this weekend but she brushed me off.

I know she was just avoiding the situation but I know she had a rough week.

Maybe tonight I can try again and start the journey together.

Lord knows I need a little loving too.

Of course she needs it more right now and that is what I am going to do for her.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

HNT - Getting Dressed

Just a quick one to get me started again.



More to come... its just a start since the last one that I did was back in July.

Hope you like it...

and Happy HNT!

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Public or Private

Yesterday I received an interesting message on FetLife.  FetLife for me is a site that I visit occasionally to look at events and browse through some of the local profiles.  I have become friends with a few people locally but the other friends I have on there are from my blog.  At one point I was thinking of attending a few of the local munches but never had the courage to do so.

Of course part of the problem is that my wife is not a part of the scene nor will she ever be a part of it.  Not that it matters much, but I do not really want to participate in anything that I have to keep completely secret from her.  Well I do keep the blog secret but mostly that is just writing and fantasizing.  I still have never acted on anything that I think about doing or write about doing on this blog.

I even have an Ashley Madison profile but have never payed actually money because I am not sure how far I would go.

I guess I need to explain a few things.  I am essentially aroused almost all the time.  I think about sex more often then many other things and love to experience different situations sexually.  However I married a woman that views sex as a act that leaves her completely vulnerable.  A vulnerability that she can not let her self feel. She was abused at an young age, raped while on vacation and treated poorly by almost every man that she fell in love with.

Her depression has left us in a relationship that barely sees any intimacy and she can never really open up to me on that level.

We had great sex when we first started dating, and even when we were first married but things changed quickly.  Even when we have great sex now, a day or so later she does not even want to talk about it.  Again she feels that if she opens herself up to me she will be left vulnerable and so she resists it.

Starting this blog was a way for me to express myself and to vent my frustrations.  I have built quite a fantasy for me and a great persona for my sexual self.  I was always very adventurous when it came to sex and every relationship I have had has included some incredible sexual acts.  So that part of my life is real. 

I have also found myself through this blog.  I have found my sexual preferences, my true desires, and have a completely different outlook of myself.  In a sense I have grown as a person because of what I have experienced as Jack Bader.  I spend more time taking care of myself, making myself look good.  I work on my body more and have explored more sexually, albeit mostly by myself.

So when I received this message yesterday I was trying to piece together what she was trying to tell me.  It came from a friend that I have never met and only conversed with through the site.  Somehow she said a few things that were so perfect describing my relationship with my online persona that I had to share.

"...you can have your fun without the approval of others, let alone being openly involved in any one group.
Clearly, that is what works for you... I respect what you say about it and how you feel about it. It seems to me that you really are seeking intimacy, and that's nice." 
My involvement with FetLife is much like my involvement with this blog.  It is a tool I use to express my alter ego, more importantly my true self.  A self that I have not expressed openly anywhere else.

I would love to meet people from my blog in real life.  Even it is just to have a drink and talk about our lives. I have sought out some others that I chat with on a semi regular basis and see that despite the sexual nature of our blogs everyone of us has completely normal lives.

I have my friends that I ski with, friends that I drink with, friends that I bike with and friends that I work with, but it would be completely liberating to have friends that I can talk about sex with and that is what this blog has done for me.  Of course I am always up for some new chat friends so feel free to hit me up at anytime.

Most of you have no idea what I am like in real life, although I am sure many can get an idea from what I write about.  Although my writing and my real life do not intersect completely so getting the whole picture is quite different.

Sometimes I wish I could show my wife my private life and have her understand how I feel.  The writing on this blog allows my private self to shine through and become public.  Like I replied to my FetLife friend, maybe someday my public self can finally meet my private self in real life.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Finding the time

I find myself struggling to keep up on things that I once enjoyed.  My reasons are not that I do not want to keep writing and updating and keeping in touch with friends and such... all of these I have failed on in the past few months.

But mainly because I work, come home, clean, take care of my daughter, cook dinner, clean up after dinner and by that time I am too tired to do anything else. 

My life is great, do not think that I am complaining, but I am just busy living.

My routine is the same almost every day and I actually do not mind doing all the work.  Sometimes I do wish that I could find the energy to keep updating the blog and keep in touch with all my friends.  Maybe I need to add this to my routine and stick with the plan.

I have not even kept up on the other blogs that I used to read on a regular basis. I read bits and pieces here and there but some of them I am so lost. 

Some of the other blogs have also gone away or have not been updated recently, and then I am left with trying to find some new writers to entertain myself.

I had every intention of catching up yesterday but found myself baking cookies at 8 p.m.

Granted the cookies were delicious but it left me a bit further behind.

I cant make excuses for not being around.  Like I said I have just been busy living, but I am going to try harder do be here.

Maybe I will join in some of the fun ways to keep the interest going.

So here is to a happy October.  Halloween is my wife's favorite month... if only I could get her to dress up for me once in a while. ;-)

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Day One

If you are a regular reader of my blog, I would like to first thank you for sticking with me, and second mention that you probably already know that I have been into fitness for the past few years.

Not that I try different fads but one thing that strikes me as interesting is intermittent fasting, basically going 12-24 hours without eating.

This may sound a bit tough to do but if you think about it you eat dinner at 6 pm the first night then do not eat anything until at least lunch the next day, or even dinner if you add the eight hours of sleep into your math.

Apparently as studies have shown since we are largely a hunter gatherer species our bodies have gone long periods without food. This allows our bodies to rid excess sugars and balance out the metabolism.

This of course does not mean we fast for a week at a time, just a short period.

Apparently the fasting boosts metabolism, increases your immune response and lowers overall blood glucose, things that help aid in a lot of disease prevention. It also increases the burning of fat.

So today I am on day one, and so far it is not too terrible.

I am planning on making it to dinner time tonight.

It did help that last night's meal was glazed salmon served on a bed of arugula and spinach with sweet potato fries and sauteed portobello mushrooms, a good way to start my new diet.

I will try to keep you updated on my progress. I should take a HNT to start this Thursday and show my progress each week.

Hope everyone had a safe and happy Labor Day!

Monday, August 26, 2013

Triggers

Living with a person that has mental health issues you hear a lot about triggers.  Triggers for those of you that don't understand, which I would assume most would.  Are those events or sayings or any number of things that create an unwelcome emotion.  For me that emotion is anger.

Lately I have been identifying a lot of my triggers.  I never thought that I had an anger problem until about 10 years ago when my mom came to visit and I got mad over something completely mundane.  I do not even remember what I was mad over but I got angry and showed my emotion.

Now my anger is not hitting something or breaking something or causing any type of harm to anyone else, its just that I get hot and sweaty and raise my voice to the people around me.  Being from the east coast I can get pretty loud too.

My mom said "why are you always so unhappy."

At first I denied it then it sunk in. Years later I realize that I still have anger issues but I have learned to be better about it. I have also learned what triggers them and I try to avoid those situations.

Of course the simple ones, driving in traffic on the weekends. Sometimes that is inevitable but if I can avoid it I will. If I can't I have to convince myself that its necessary and that I have to leave early to get where I want to go on time. This does not always work with a family but I try.

I also try to avoid crowds, so I do my grocery shopping on Sunday morning.  There are a few others that I have just come to realize I have to deal with and not get mad.

The one hardest thing for me though is money. I get mad when my wife goes to the store without me and buys a bunch of stuff we don't need. It's funny though since she does not buy anything extravagant. I'm talking a package of chocolate when she goes to buy grocery bags. Or a Starbucks coffee since they put them in all the super markets around here.

Things have been going so smoothly lately with money and work but sometimes I get so worried about the next day that I get angry when she buys something that we did not discuss. Its completely nitpicking but the emotions take over.

I have learned what my main trigger is, now I just need to learn to control it.

The biggest issue I have is that we do not have a sufficient savings. We are building it back up but it is not there yet, not even close. But I should feel comfortable that we are able to put money into it, for some reason I am not.

I do not know how to stop worry about that rainy day, maybe because it was raining for quite a while with us years ago and my mind still thinks back about it.

We went through financial ruin and years later my mind still thinks about the stress we went through.

We are no where near that now and have learned from our mistakes but it still lurks.

I do not want to live in fear of this and I hope that I learn to control it.

For now I just know that money triggers anger and I just have to breath a little more and relax my mind and know that things are better than they ever have been.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Another Thursday

And nothing to show for it.

I had every opportunity and I just failed, pretty much I forgot. Of course the day is not over yet but logistics will be a lot harder this evening, so I will have to just say that you may have to wait until next week.

I am of course referring to HNT if you are wondering what I am talking about.

I do have this to say.

While I was away on business I took a few pictures that ended up on my phone. What I sometimes forget about is that my phone automatically uploads the photos to the web. Usually that is not a problem because the site is secure and I am the only one that sees them. Normally I just go to the site and delete the pictures and all is good. However I must have missed one picture and when my dad was visiting I wanted to show him some of the shots that I took a few weeks before my trip. I went online to look and started scrolling through the pictures on my television which is connected to the web.

Needless to say, there was a picture of me half-nekkid at least it was a side shot. The picture was me in front of the mirror in my hotel room standing sideways. There was no nudity in the picture but it was still an awkward explanation of how that shot made it into the mix.

My explanation. I had a really bad sunburn, and that is true, and while I was looking at it in the mirror I had my phone in my hand and must have snapped a picture.

Not sure if it was believable but I quickly changed the conversation and it was forgotten.

Guess I will have to be much more careful next time.


Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Life Decisions

For those of you wondering, things have been really good lately. Other than the usual problems I always face everything else was as it should be and I have been happy.

My job has given me the opportunity to get more involved in the business development side of things so I get to go out and market for the company a bit. I know marketing does not sound like the best job but it is not marketing in the same way as cold calling people. We are largely a government contracting firm so this would be speaking with our partners and other contracting agents, basically networking and such.

For me it is perfect since I like to talk with new people.

I was also offered a job by another company but decided to turn it down to give my new role in my current company a chance, its nice to have options.

Of course the company that offered me a job is a very large software developer and it could have been a great job for me, but I felt that I could not leave my current job. Loyalty is something that means a lot to me and while most companies and people have no loyalty these days I am not that way.

I have already set up several lunch meetings that hopefully will lead to new contracts but we shall see if I can thrive at this new position.

On the fun side of things, I bought a new camera and cant wait to use it.

So far I have used it for a few days and love it, not sure what I am planning on using it for but it is a nice digital SLR camera and hopefully I will use it quite a bit.

Maybe I will start posting HNT shots again. Of course this is a 18 megapixel camera so you may not want that much of a close-up, haha.

I have lost some weight from my month in the south and have managed to keep it off. I am not back to where I was a few years ago, but that was incredible difficult to maintain and I am happy with where I am.

At the height of my workouts I hovered around 205lbs with less than 12 percent body fat. I had not hit that mark since high school so I was very proud of that. However the level of work that was required at 41 to keep the weight off was overwhelming especially since I changed jobs within my company and no longer had the gym across the street from my office.

In any event I am happy with almost all aspects of my life, the only other thing that would make it prefect is more sex!

Have a great week everyone.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

What I am drinking...

I live in a state that has lots of craft beers.

Where basically almost every town has a microbrewery and some have more than one.

Living in this state I have sample quite a few of the local brews but have not found that one that I really completely utterly love.

Yes, there are a few that I would drink a lot of, but nothing that completely stands out as the best beer that I have had.

Therefore I am always on the quest to find one that when I put to my lips I am completely lost in its flavor.

Am I asking too much, maybe. Of course there are beers for all occasions and moods, so maybe there will be a list at the end of my quest.

For now I will post one that I have found on a recent trip that I enjoy more than the others I have sampled...

Terrapin Hopsecutioner - Athens, GA - Unfortunately it is only available in 13 states right now and I now live far enough away that I will only be able to enjoy it when I travel.

If you live in one of those states definitely try it out, go to their website and find out where it is being sold. If you like smooth hoppy beer, yes its smooth and hoppy, try this one.

Friends Gone, but Not Forgotten

Years ago it was easy for me to make friends. There were common interests involved and you spent time in some particular location doing the same thing for a period of time and you would meet someone with the same interests.

But when you have a family and your life is more sporadic you tend to rely on meeting people at your place of employment or your neighborhood or some other location that you frequent.

As most of you know I moved out west by way of the south and pretty much had to start over in my friendships.

We live in an apartment complex and while many people that live there have common interests it is much more transient than living in a neighborhood. People have come into our lives by way of our daughter but quickly fade as they move on to buying houses and leaving the complex.

I work with many people that I would consider having a friendship with but the nature of our work is that we are on the road for a good period of the year and therefore when we get back to our home we spend more time with our families and less time with coworkers.

Also I am right in the middle of my age group at work and there are only a few that have families and would have other common interests.

So unfortunately I have had a hard time making friends.

If you knew me in my vanilla life you would wonder how that could be. I tend to talk to everyone I meet and always make new friends, but this time it has been difficult.

There was one exception. A person I met at work, who is the same age, just got married and has much of the same interests.

We started going to lunch and spending some time together outside of work and really got to know each other and our mutual wives.

And then his wife got a job and they ended up moving all the way on the other side of the earth, and I am not saying they moved to the east coast, they literally moved to the other side of the world.

The kind of place that is now in the middle of winter. Where it is actually tomorrow right now from my time zone.

Of course I am glad that we met and with the internet we will stay in touch. Also we can have a really cool place to visit, but basically I am left to find another friend to hang out with.

At least I had a good year and met some great people during that time.

Actually he introduced me to a few of his friends that I may try to keep in touch with as well, we shall see.

Another friend gone, but not forgotten.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Attractiveness

I have realized my tastes have changed over the years.

Now that I am in my forties I am starting to look more at the older women as my tastes have begun to change. Of course I think that a nice young attractive woman is an amazing site, but these days I like to see how a woman matures.

Many people think that a guy gets more attractive as they age, while many think that women want to always look younger. I am the type of person that likes how beautiful a woman can by as they get older.

To me my wife has become more attractive, she is gorgeous.

While I thought she was gorgeous before I look at her now and see that she is definitely aging well.

Even though she is somewhat of a ginger she still looks amazing.

I have also seen my taste in porn change. From the tight young teens that I used to view years ago to the more amateur type older mature porn. I like to see real woman engaged in real sex.

Porn to me is almost always too fake. Fake boobs, fake hair, fake women, fake orgasms, maybe back in the day I could watch that stuff but now I just end up turned off.

I have told my wife how pretty she looks and how beautiful she has become and she just laughs and talks about how old she is getting.

It is sad that society has created this stigma. Maybe some day we will stop trying to change ourselves to what we think beautiful is.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Hotel Horniness

Not sure why I always feel this way when I travel but it never fails that traveling makes me horny.

Is it that I am away from home and can play in a way that I have free range of the hotel room without being caught? I am not sure what happens in my mind but it always happens this way.

I have never acted on any of my thoughts or desires while traveling, although sometimes I wonder if something was presented for me would I take the opportunity.

I usually start out by checking craigslist for anything of interest. Although I still have yet to respond to any ad, but I have come close.

The desire has been there, but I guess I still have yet to cross that line and not sure I am willing to do so.

The funny thing is I feel like chatting all the time when I get lonely. I love to video chat in the hotel room but its been so long since I have had a person to do that with.

So I usually spend some time checking out the blogs I have not read in a while or watching porn and spending a lot of time with myself.

This trip is a long one, seems to be starting the same way as normal.

Maybe like I said before I will snap some pictures while I am playing in the hotel room.

I will definitely be posting a few stories over the coming days.

Here's to traveling...



Friday, April 26, 2013

Traveling again...

My job is going good, although the company needs to rethink some of their policies. Of course I think I would be hard pressed to think of any other company that does not have similar issues.

Normally I am an office worker, but with some budget cuts and some time delays several projects are now overlapping and I am going to be out in the field.

I prefer a combination of both field and office but I usually only travel several weeks out of the year.

The field work is great, does not require a lot of thought other than the initial equipment test in the morning, and gets me outside for the better part of the day. The problem mostly is the hotel stay. The first few days are great but I tend to miss my family.

If we are out in the field for an extended period of time I spend a lot of time in my hotel room. And if said hotel room is not that comfortable I tend to get restless and cant wait to get home. Occasionally we have stayed in some nice places, but typically it is the cheapeast we can find.

The company gives us a set amount to spend each day and if we find a place cheaper we get the difference in cash, so the normal field crew would rather stay in a dump and get paid the extra than find a nice hotel and spend the full amount. I understand that philosophy because they make less than I do, but if they are out in the field for longer then they can potentially make much more than what my salary normally pays.

So of course I get to spend a lot of my time in a hotel room by myself usually watching a lot of porn.

This time I think that I may have time to concentrate on other things and have a plan to update the blog as much as I can.

This would be a good time to get a lot of my other work out of the way, since I do not have any of the other distractions I usually have.

Hopefully the daily work will not take too much out of me that I will be too exhausted at night to do anything.

Well here is to hoping. You will all know by the end of next week if my plan actually worked.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Stress

I woke up screaming last night.

The darkness was taking over my body in a dream and I was trying to push it away. The shadows surrounded me in a black haze and I screamed into my nightmare.

When I finally opened my eyes I was staring at the ceiling in my living room having fell asleep on the couch earlier in the evening. The darkness was still there in the shadows as I tried to go back asleep.

My heart kept pounding in my chest as my eyes closed once again on the room.

The shadows reappeared and I screamed back at them to force them from my mind.

I am not sure anyone else in the apartment heard me, at least from this morning no one has said a word yet. Hopefully my screams were only in my nightmare.

I have been stressed lately, not really myself. Concerned with a lot of my life and the decisions I have made over the past.

These thoughts haunt me from time to time. I try to tell myself that I have no regrets and that I continue to look forward and not behind me, but at times I see the choices I have made and wonder if they were the right ones.

Fortunately the nightmares do not last all that long and I come to realize what I have and know that the decisions I have made or did not make would have changed that.

For now though I am plagued by these thoughts and the stress that they bring.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Starting Weekend Early

Three a.m. this morning the neighbors down stairs started to arrive home. Not sure where they came from but they were loud and obviously impaired on something.

I woke up and could hear them through the open window. The conversation at one point was talking about driving while tripping. While driving under the influence of alcohol is bad, I could not imagine being able to drive while hallucinating.

I could smell the marijuana smoke come up through my window, something that I was not too happy to have with a 10 year old daughter asking me all types of questions.

Eventually they went to sleep and after a bit I did as well.

The next morning as I was living to go to take my daughter to school and myself to work I ran into one of the girls that I see there often. I am not sure if she lives there with the others or just visits from time to time.

She was in the hallway towards the front of the apartment building trying her hardest to open the door of one of the apartments. One that did not belong to anyone she knows.

I looked over at her with my daughter in tow and wonder what she is trying to do.

Leaning towards her a bit I tell her that she has the wrong apartment. Her reply was "I know, right." Definitely not coherent. So I tell her again that she wants the one in the back of the building and she just looks at me strangely.

Understanding that I am not getting through to her I decide to keep walking and let her figure it out. As I am going down the stairs my daughter looks up at her and so I tell my daughter to try to talk with her.

So my daughter asks if she is staying at the apartment with the two dogs and the girl looks at my daughter and asks, "what is that supposed to mean."

My daughter points to the back of the building and says you go back there and turn right, and the girl replies "I know!" but continues to try to open the door in the front.

Then she says can you help me open the door, to my daughter and my daughter tells her no and walks down the stairs where I am waiting.

As we drove away we could still see her there trying to get into the apartment in front of the building and I turn to my daughter and say, "See, that is what drugs do to you." My daughter replied, "She was rude and stupid."

"Exactly."

Monday, April 1, 2013

A Minor Breakthrough

My daughter spent the night at a friends house.

The last time this happened I posted about it. My wife decided to take sex completely off the table before we even went to bed.

That led to a discussion on how to fix this situation and we both decided it would take some work.

This time however it was not completely off the table. There was no discussion before bed and since it was my wife's birthday the other day and we had a great week I thought this would be a good time to try.

My wife's one rule though, mostly because she is on some medications that put her right to sleep, is that we have sex in the morning.

Morning sex is fine with me... well any sex is fine with me.

So this past Saturday I woke up a little earlier and started running my hands up and down her back.

I spent quite a while doing this until I worked up the nerve to move down.

Well maybe when I have more time I will go into the details, but there really is not much to tell.

It was a quick one, since it has been a while. I tried to make it last as long as I could but my body did not comply to well.

And of course I don't mean it was that quick, but we did not change much in the way of positions. It was just a good missionary style, slow hard fucking.

We both got to come which was what we both needed and were very happy afterward.

She even said that she was sorry that she did not want to have sex more often and that things will change.

I consider this a minor breakthrough and hopefully the start of something much much better.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Cascade

She stepped into the shower letting the warm water cascade over her skin. Grabbing the sponge she lathered up her breasts and let out a sigh as the material touched her nipples.

Her fingers traced their way around the nipple as she thought back to the night before.

When she was traveling for business she always played a bit, those were the rules that her husband made for her. It was the reason their relationship was always so sexual. She would return and tell him every last detail as he slid inside her.

Spreading her legs a little she watched as the water made its way to her engorged sex, warming the folds of her vagina.

She used the sponge to soap up her pussy, cleaning the stickiness of last night's tryst.

Last night was amazing she thought.

Her mind wandered back to the unsuspecting guy at the bar. He was sitting at the end nursing a Jameson's, rotating the glass in a circle before taking a sip.

She walked through the door as all eyes turned towards her and the outfit she wore.

Noticing him at once she strolled over and sat a few stools away.

After ordering her drink, she glanced over and smiled. It was not long after that she was up in her room with the guy pressed against her and her back against the wall.

He was larger than her husband and she felt him thrust into her hard. He had his hands on her ass as she wrapped her legs around his waist.

"Don't come yet," she moaned.

He pulled her closer and carried her to the bed and dropped her hard still trying to keep his cock inside her. Instead she extended her arms and pushed him over onto his back.

She moved her head down and took his cock into her mouth. It was a marvelous cock she thought. Not quite long but wide with a large head. The perfect size to make her feel full. She licked the length of his shaft down to its base and back up again sucking the head into her mouth.

He grabbed her head and stroked her hair as she tried to put more of his length down her throat. It was too big to go very far so she concentrated on the head licking around it and stroking the shaft with her hand.

She could feel him tense up so she slowed down trying to extend the fucking session.

Climbing back up onto his chest she straddled his hips and lowered herself slowly onto his cock. Reaching back she grabbed his balls and squeezed gently as she started to rotate her hips.

He let out a loud moan and arched his back forcing his cock deeper. Placing her hands on his chest her pace quickened until she could see that he was about to come.

"Come for me baby," she said as she could feel the warmth of his ejaculate filling her inside.

He let out a groan and pushed his hips up to meet her thrusts again. She was grinding her clit against him now bringing herself to a perfect climax.

She fell off him letting him slide out of her and stepped off of the bed.

Turning back over her shoulder she told him to clean up get dressed and make sure he closes the door behind him as he leaves.

He watched her walk into the bathroom, her beautiful ass swaying as she entered the doorway. Smiling, but feeling a little bit used, he gathered his clothes from the floor, got dressed and let the room.

The water felt so good as her mind came back to the present. She brought herself to climax again, thinking about his thick cock inside her again.

This will be a good story for the fucking she would get by her husband later that night.





Friday, March 1, 2013

South To Drop Off!

Dropping my daughter off at school is probably one of the most stressful parts of my day. In fact it was so stressful at first that I now try to get her to school before the rush of parents.

The sad thing is that there are simple rules to follow. The drive through the parking lot is one direction. There are more than enough spaces to pull in drop off and let your kids out.

The exit is right turn only. There is a round-about maybe 100 yards down that will give you the opportunity to go the other direction.

And lastly, the main parking lot is for buses and teachers, not parents.

The rest is common courtesy.

But every morning I get frustrated with someone that thinks they are above the rules. Especially if it is before the crossing guards get there.

This morning a guy was going the wrong direction through the parking lot and after almost hitting me since he was not looking, gave me a look that I was supposed to watch out for him.

I was stopped dead in the lane as he tried to drive the wrong way until finally I beeped at him. If I had not beeped he would have actually hit me.

So I am reminded every morning of the scene in Mr. Mom.



Have a wonderful Friday! At least that part of my day is now officially over.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

We Were Alone

I could feel the uncomfortable silence soon after my daughter left to go sleep at a friends house.

Sitting in my recliner, reading a story on my nook, I glanced over at her wondering what she was thinking.

"We are not going to have sex," she finally breaks the silence.

"Okay," I reply as I continue reading the story.

A few minutes later I look up from my screen and ask her why did she feel the need to say that right now.

It has been several months since we have had sex and with the lack of sex on valentine's day the times that we used to have sex are becoming few and far between.

She started to explain but I knew that her medication was already starting to kick in since I could tell her eyelids were getting heavy.

"I know this may be taken the wrong way, but I am not attracted to you right now." She said, slowly.

"I am not sure I understand," I said getting slightly angry.

And so the conversation started.

It was a conversation that we should have been having for quite some time now. Occasionally we will bring it up and then after a bit it will die down never completely being resolved.

For those that have been reading my blog on a regular basis you know the story. I am pretty much in a sexless marriage. And for someone as lascivious as I am it has been a difficult time.

I would be lying if I did not admit that internet porn got me through a lot of the tough times, as well as writing on this blog.

The conversation continued for a little while longer, with some back and forth banter, without really accomplishing anything. Until she declared she was tired and going to bed.

I stewed for a little while out on the couch and finally made it into the bedroom where I stared at the ceiling and thought about what tomorrow would bring.

Are we moving forward or is it a lost cause. At one point I was chatting with my friend on facebook and I told her that during the conversation my wife told me she does not like changing in front of me for fear of arousing me.

My friend and I agreed that she does not trust me and possibly thinks that I am a pervert, catching glimpses of her to get me hard. I tried to explain to my wife that seeing her get dressed was part of an everyday situation that it does not arouse me anymore than watching her eat cereal. It is not like she strips for me or wears something sexy. She merely goes from the shower to wearing jeans and a t-shirt.

So my friend asked, how can you move forward if she feels this way. I pondered that question for quite some time. I know a lot of what is affecting my wife is the mental health issues and her medication, but really if she feels that way now, what is going to change that.

Even when I was at my peak shape a few years back, she never would give me a compliment, mostly because she said it would feed my ego, but for me all I wanted was acknowledgement that I looked good to her. Now I know she could not give me those compliments because of the way she felt.

The next day I asked her if we were going to talk more about it, and she said there really was not much more she could say. I asked her what she meant by telling me she was not attracted to me and she clarified that she has no desire to have sex and that is what she meant.

Hopefully this will be the start of our conversations about this and that we can resolve the lack of sex in our relationship. She agreed to start going to the group she promised months ago and invited me to go to a group as well.

At the very least, it started the conversation again. This time I hope to keep it going and find a resolution.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

All the people I have had sex with...

I saw this on Nerve and thought it would be interesting to list this for myself... The names of course are changed, but the stories are true.

Mary - She was my first girlfriend, I was 17 when I met her and had barely any experience. We were both virgins. I went down on her in her parents basement a few weeks into dating. We spent a lot of time with foreplay. We finally did the deed in her bed a few months into our relationship. Her brother walked in on us. We had a lot of sex and experimented with quite a few different situations. She was also the first person I had anal sex with. We still talk occasionally and had cyber sex a few years back.

Susan - Basically a one night stand in college. I met her at a toxic waste party at a fraternity house, she was wearing a tyvek suit with  absolutely nothing on underneath. After we had sex in my loft with my roommate about five feet away, I found out she was a complete slut. She used my sheets to clean the come off her and borrowed some clothes to get her home. I ended up getting crabs from her and while she wanted to have sex with me again a few month later I turned her down for obvious reasons.

Kim - I was in love with Kim, she had the most incredible blue eyes. She was also the first real girl that I dated after my breakup with Mary. Our sex was great, although she was completely unshaven and had a very hairy pubic region. When I would go down on her sometimes I would find bits of toilet paper caught in her hair. We did quite a bit together, she really liked when I licked her ass. She was a year ahead of me in college and the summer after she graduated we broke up. When I saw her again years later she had changed quite a bit from the college days and while I still felt something for her it was definitely not love.

Mary again - After Kim left Mary and I became fuck buddies. We basically tried to find every excuse in the book to get together and have sex. It was pretty amazing, although she still had intense feelings for me and I basically just wanted amazing sex. The blowjob in the car was the best, although I almost crashed into a tree when I climaxed.

Kate - I met Kate while working at a ski resort in California. She was still in college and I had just graduated and was living with a friend in a town that had a 6 to 1 ratio of guys to girls. She came up with her friends and I asked her out the first time I saw her. She would come to visit from time to time and stay with me. We never technically had sex but we did a lot of other things. There was penetration one night when we were both pretty drunk but I stopped after she told me that she did not want to have sex. I fell in love with her, but she had some major family issues and had no intention of a long term relationship. I saw here a few times after I moved to the city but the spark was never there again.

Margaret - Margaret was amazing. She was incredibly smart and we had the same interests. Her personality was amazing and while she may have not been the best looker, she was still very pretty. We hit it off pretty quickly, although I had just moved to the city and still sort of had feelings for Kate. The biggest problem with Margaret is that she became my best friend and sex started to feel awkward. She also had severe halitosis and I had a hard time getting passed that.

Lisa - Another one night stand, I do not remember much of our night together. My friend had sent me a mexican quaalude and she was on ecstasy. She asked me to get her cigarettes when we first arrived at her apartment, but when I left not knowing the neighborhood I got lost going back. When she answered the door she was wearing a robe that was open and completely naked underneath. We fucked like rabbits that night although the drug had an effect on me and while I was hard I never did climax. At one point in the evening she told me to hurt her, that was my first time introducing pain into sex. We also had anal sex, although I do not think she was quite ready for it. We both enjoyed it completely though. In the morning when I was leaving I could not find my apartment keys having apparently giving them to my roommate so I left her my number in case she found them. A few weeks later she called and wanted to get together. I met her but had no feelings at all and did not want to have sex with her again.

Steph - My wife. I met my wife at a bar in the Haight Ashbury district of San Francisco. We took our times before having sex. We pretty much did everything else up until the point we were ready to have sex. The sex was fantastic. A few months after we started dating she moved to New York. (if you have read this blog for a while you know most of the story) We had sex again when she came out to visit and took pictures which I still secretly have.

Tessa - Tessa was the sexiest girl I knew in college. Even the way she walked just was so seductive. Maybe it was the olive skin, or maybe it was the innocent way she looked at you, I do not know. We kissed in college but since I had a girlfriend it never went any further. I ran into her one day after moving back to the east coast and the feelings were still there. We sort of dated but basically we just had sex. Even the sex with her was so seducing if that makes any sense. She moved to the west coast which I found ironic since I had just moved back east.

Alana - Alana was 6'2" and that was basically the only reason I wanted to have sex with her. I had never been with a woman that was taller than me and since I was 6'2" when she wore heels I did have to look up at her. We spent quite a bit of time together since she lived close by. The sex was fun, if not a bit awkward in my twin bed. I stopped calling her after she called me a schmuck for changing lanes in the Holland Tunnel. Granted I probably should not have done that it was still a little harsh for her to call me a schmuck.

Carla - Carla was very Italian, living in Jersey. She was pretty but completely arrogant. We made out like school kids leaning against her car outside a bar in Totawa. We had that what the fuck moment where we both just wanted to have sex and we did. It was quite fantastic, she rode me like crazy. Although we were both pretty drunk and the whiskey left me without a climax, the sex lasted quite a long time. I tried to make a friends with benefits relationship work with her but she was an alcoholic and ended up crashing her car into a tree, losing her license in the process. Friends with benefits does not work too well if I have to drive her everywhere she needs to go. We still remained good friends until I moved back West.

Mary (third and final time) - Acting like a complete dick I seduced her into my bed again and had some incredible sex with her. She wanted way more than I was willing to give even though I had promised her I would be there for her again...

Robin - She worked where I was volunteering and after talking with her on the phone quite a bit she asked me out. We spent a few nights together in her office in heavy petting sessions. After I introduced her to my friends she fell in love with one of my best friends. We finally had sex at her going away party, even after she was spending time with my friend. The last time I saw her we spent the night together in my friends place in Vermont. I passed out on her and she left before I woke up.

And now back to Steph, although its not that often that we have sex these days.


Monday, February 18, 2013

A Sunday Conversation

While at breakfast yesterday I brought up how I wanted to try to make some extra money. Financially we are doing okay, but we rarely do anything fun and I would like to have some spending cash to buy the things that I want and not always what I need.

So I brought up an idea of publishing some ebooks. Maybe some short stories, I already have ideas for several and a novel that I would like to write some day.

I have been doing some research on how to accomplish this and have been putting some of my ideas in writing. One of the interesting facts was that Romance is the top seller on almost every ebook site.

So I mentioned this to my wife. I told her about wanting to write and that the best way to make money would be romance and she laughed and said, "You would not be a very good romance writer."

I just smiled back at her and thought if she only knew. Maybe I would not be the best romance writer but I would say that I have been writing erotica for a while now.

It was then that I almost told her about the blog, but I knew there were other things on here that she would not understand.

She is still very sensitive when it comes to her idea of sex. Just to give you an idea, we were watching the Big Bang Theory the other night and she made the comment about Howard being sexist and I said well he is just always horny. She replied that it makes her uncomfortable given her current attitude towards sex.

I did think about writing about our relationship and how to deal with her depression and bipolar, somewhat like a self-help book written from the perspective of the spouse.

We shall see what happens. I may write some stories and see how they do, I can always fall back on erotica. Well not necessarily according to my wife, ha!


Wednesday, February 13, 2013

St. Valentines Day - Un-valentines Day

Okay, so here we are the day before Valentine's Day and I am already stressing about it.

I almost hate Valentine's Day as much as I hate New Years. They both represent overly hyped much too anticipated inevitably disappointing holidays. For some reason we expect so much from these days and they never deliver nearly what we desire.

The stores and restaurants are always way too crowded. We pay for a meal that because of the stress of the kitchen staff is never any good. And the fact that sex seems to be expected is enough for my wife to declare before the day even starts that the day will not end with us having sex.

I married my wife 13 years ago, and while we have had our ups and downs we are still in love with each other, why do I need a day to remind me to tell her that. I let her know every day.

When I asked her the other day what is our plan for the day, she automatically said well we have to go out to dinner. Why is that? I would be much happier if we had the Sunday brunch we have been planning to do for the past few months. Or even a good lunch on Friday when my daughter and wife are off of school.

So what is the point really? Why are we expected to use this day as our chance to tell our significant other that we love her. Do I love her more on February 14th than the other days of the year? Do I not try to do nice things for her on any other day? At least the other days may end up with me having sex. I know for a fact that there is a better chance of me winning the lottery than having sex on Valentine's Day right now.

Our track record for Valentine's Day has been the same every year, a long wait for food that was cooked in haste and ending the evening with the anticipation of sex but getting denied every time. Over the past few years I do not even try to be romantic, because it is seen as a ploy to have sex with her. Even if I deny the intention, we still end up arguing over the misconstrued meaning behind holding her hand on the way to dinner.

I completely understand too, sex is stressful for her, especially when it is expected. So I would gather that Valentines is as stressful for her as it is for me.

This year is even worse, everyone in our house has a nasty head cold, but as much as I try to get out of going to dinner tomorrow night we are still going to end up going.

Hopefully with such low expectations for the night it will turn out much better than anticipated. Maybe this year the food will at least be better.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

On the verge..

I feel like I am forever on the verge of greatness but never actually reaching it.

Its like those movies that start out with the people that are always down on their luck. Their apartment is in shambles, their job is completely mundane and their life is never moving forward.

The camera focuses on the hand of the protagonist as it hangs off the bed the dog licking his fingers. As the camera pans out we see the half naked person with the tattered covers hanging mostly off their overweight frame. He is smiling dreaming of some erotic scene of a supermodel licking his fingers instead of the dog that just finished cleaning herself in the corner of the room.

In walks the wife in a dirty terry cloth robe scratching the underside of her breast. She steps in a puddle left by the dog in the middle of the night and curses at the mutt.

We flash to breakfast, the family is now eating around the television, arguing over who was supposed to take the dog out the night before and who's fault it was leaving sour milk in the fridge.

At some point they all realize they are late and scramble out the door.

This is when as they are backing out of the driveway they run over the bike left there from the day before breaking it to pieces and flattening the tire of the car.

The story goes on like this until something amazing happens, it does not matter the specifics, it could be a winning lottery ticket, a new job offer, a relative that died and left a fortune to the family. Whatever it is the family is now thrust into the spotlight where they are living a fat life, until something majorly bad happens and they are flung back to earth worse than where they were before.

Of course they learn a lesson along the way and that is family is rich whether they have money or not...

I think I am rambling now, but the point I am trying to make is that we are not too far away from that family and while we have not had anything as amazing as what I have mentioned we have been giving many opportunities to make our life great only to somehow manage to never quite get ahead.

Sometimes I wonder if I am not trying hard enough or maybe expecting too much to happen. We are after all living a normal life, but never seem to be able to do exactly what we want.

For now I guess we will always be on the verge of greatness... hopefully someday we will cross that line and become truly great.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Shine a Light

I was watching Californication last night. Have not seen the show in years but wanted to see the latest episode. But at one point the Rolling Stone's album Exile on Main Street came up and one of the characters sang the song Shine a Light.

 Now this album was one of my favorites back in the day and still brings back a lot of emotion. It was also the favorite of my friend that past away a few years ago, so today I am listening to it again...

 Here is one of the best songs on the album:

 

Saw you stretched out in room ten-o-nine 
With a smile on your face 
And a tear right in your eye 
Couldn't see to get a line on you 
My sweet honey love 
Berber jewelry jangling down the street 
Make you shut your eyes at ev'ry woman that you meet 
Could not seem to get a high on you 
My sweet honey love 

May the good lord shine a light on you 
Make every song your favourite tune 
May the good lord shine a light on you 
Warm like the evening sun 

Well, you're drunk in the alley, baby 
With your clothes all torn 
And your late night friends 
Leave you in the cold grey dawn 
Just seemed too many flies on you 
I just can't brush them off 

Angels beating all their wings in time 
With smiles on their faces 
And a gleam right in their eyes 
Thought I heard one sigh for you 
Come on up, come on up, now 
Come on up, now 

May the good lord shine a light on you 
Make every song you sing your favourite tune 
May the good lord shine a light on you 
Warm like the evening sun

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

What does 2013 have to hold for me?

That is a question that I have been asking myself for quite a while. 2012 was a year of transition. We moved from South Carolina to Denver towards the beginning of the year, and while I did not start at a new company I started a new job. The first month of being in Denver I was actually in South Dakota for work.

I travelled quite a bit over the summer so I did not get a great opportunity to explore all Denver had to offer. So what will 2013 be like now that I have been living here almost a full year. 

Well for one my wife has a full-time job, something that she did not have for the majority of the year last year. So we struggled a bit for money. This year will be much better in that aspect.

 Secondly I have settled into my job fairly well and will probably not travel quite as much. I don't mind the travel it just makes it tough when I am gone for a month at a time.

 Thirdly, everyone in the family is much happier now that we are living in a place that we really enjoy. I did not mind South Carolina but it was never actually my home. I could never consider it a place I would like to live for the rest of my life.

Denver on the other hand could easily be that place. My wife seems to be doing much better with her depression and we are working on our relationship. I am looking forward to exploring all that the Rockies have to offer. I spent a good part of my adult life in Utah, therefore I have a lot of time in the mountains just not the Rockies.

There are some incredible areas to explore and now that we have the money and the time to do it things will be much better all around. So 2013 will be a year of settling into my routine here in Denver. Hopefully forming new relationships that will last a long time.

Finding new places to explore with the family and overall enjoying the outdoors again. There are a few things that I want to happen as we progress through the year.

One of which is to get more focused on my writing. I have been meaning to start an online magazine for quite some time. I have the name and url and all but just have not spent anytime developing it.

 Hopefully I can do that. I also want to rekindle my relationship with my wife. We can work on the relationship but I also need to work on myself. As the first month is drawn to a close, I can say that things are starting to fall into place... here is to a happy and healthy rest of 2013.