Wednesday, February 27, 2013

We Were Alone

I could feel the uncomfortable silence soon after my daughter left to go sleep at a friends house.

Sitting in my recliner, reading a story on my nook, I glanced over at her wondering what she was thinking.

"We are not going to have sex," she finally breaks the silence.

"Okay," I reply as I continue reading the story.

A few minutes later I look up from my screen and ask her why did she feel the need to say that right now.

It has been several months since we have had sex and with the lack of sex on valentine's day the times that we used to have sex are becoming few and far between.

She started to explain but I knew that her medication was already starting to kick in since I could tell her eyelids were getting heavy.

"I know this may be taken the wrong way, but I am not attracted to you right now." She said, slowly.

"I am not sure I understand," I said getting slightly angry.

And so the conversation started.

It was a conversation that we should have been having for quite some time now. Occasionally we will bring it up and then after a bit it will die down never completely being resolved.

For those that have been reading my blog on a regular basis you know the story. I am pretty much in a sexless marriage. And for someone as lascivious as I am it has been a difficult time.

I would be lying if I did not admit that internet porn got me through a lot of the tough times, as well as writing on this blog.

The conversation continued for a little while longer, with some back and forth banter, without really accomplishing anything. Until she declared she was tired and going to bed.

I stewed for a little while out on the couch and finally made it into the bedroom where I stared at the ceiling and thought about what tomorrow would bring.

Are we moving forward or is it a lost cause. At one point I was chatting with my friend on facebook and I told her that during the conversation my wife told me she does not like changing in front of me for fear of arousing me.

My friend and I agreed that she does not trust me and possibly thinks that I am a pervert, catching glimpses of her to get me hard. I tried to explain to my wife that seeing her get dressed was part of an everyday situation that it does not arouse me anymore than watching her eat cereal. It is not like she strips for me or wears something sexy. She merely goes from the shower to wearing jeans and a t-shirt.

So my friend asked, how can you move forward if she feels this way. I pondered that question for quite some time. I know a lot of what is affecting my wife is the mental health issues and her medication, but really if she feels that way now, what is going to change that.

Even when I was at my peak shape a few years back, she never would give me a compliment, mostly because she said it would feed my ego, but for me all I wanted was acknowledgement that I looked good to her. Now I know she could not give me those compliments because of the way she felt.

The next day I asked her if we were going to talk more about it, and she said there really was not much more she could say. I asked her what she meant by telling me she was not attracted to me and she clarified that she has no desire to have sex and that is what she meant.

Hopefully this will be the start of our conversations about this and that we can resolve the lack of sex in our relationship. She agreed to start going to the group she promised months ago and invited me to go to a group as well.

At the very least, it started the conversation again. This time I hope to keep it going and find a resolution.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

All the people I have had sex with...

I saw this on Nerve and thought it would be interesting to list this for myself... The names of course are changed, but the stories are true.

Mary - She was my first girlfriend, I was 17 when I met her and had barely any experience. We were both virgins. I went down on her in her parents basement a few weeks into dating. We spent a lot of time with foreplay. We finally did the deed in her bed a few months into our relationship. Her brother walked in on us. We had a lot of sex and experimented with quite a few different situations. She was also the first person I had anal sex with. We still talk occasionally and had cyber sex a few years back.

Susan - Basically a one night stand in college. I met her at a toxic waste party at a fraternity house, she was wearing a tyvek suit with  absolutely nothing on underneath. After we had sex in my loft with my roommate about five feet away, I found out she was a complete slut. She used my sheets to clean the come off her and borrowed some clothes to get her home. I ended up getting crabs from her and while she wanted to have sex with me again a few month later I turned her down for obvious reasons.

Kim - I was in love with Kim, she had the most incredible blue eyes. She was also the first real girl that I dated after my breakup with Mary. Our sex was great, although she was completely unshaven and had a very hairy pubic region. When I would go down on her sometimes I would find bits of toilet paper caught in her hair. We did quite a bit together, she really liked when I licked her ass. She was a year ahead of me in college and the summer after she graduated we broke up. When I saw her again years later she had changed quite a bit from the college days and while I still felt something for her it was definitely not love.

Mary again - After Kim left Mary and I became fuck buddies. We basically tried to find every excuse in the book to get together and have sex. It was pretty amazing, although she still had intense feelings for me and I basically just wanted amazing sex. The blowjob in the car was the best, although I almost crashed into a tree when I climaxed.

Kate - I met Kate while working at a ski resort in California. She was still in college and I had just graduated and was living with a friend in a town that had a 6 to 1 ratio of guys to girls. She came up with her friends and I asked her out the first time I saw her. She would come to visit from time to time and stay with me. We never technically had sex but we did a lot of other things. There was penetration one night when we were both pretty drunk but I stopped after she told me that she did not want to have sex. I fell in love with her, but she had some major family issues and had no intention of a long term relationship. I saw here a few times after I moved to the city but the spark was never there again.

Margaret - Margaret was amazing. She was incredibly smart and we had the same interests. Her personality was amazing and while she may have not been the best looker, she was still very pretty. We hit it off pretty quickly, although I had just moved to the city and still sort of had feelings for Kate. The biggest problem with Margaret is that she became my best friend and sex started to feel awkward. She also had severe halitosis and I had a hard time getting passed that.

Lisa - Another one night stand, I do not remember much of our night together. My friend had sent me a mexican quaalude and she was on ecstasy. She asked me to get her cigarettes when we first arrived at her apartment, but when I left not knowing the neighborhood I got lost going back. When she answered the door she was wearing a robe that was open and completely naked underneath. We fucked like rabbits that night although the drug had an effect on me and while I was hard I never did climax. At one point in the evening she told me to hurt her, that was my first time introducing pain into sex. We also had anal sex, although I do not think she was quite ready for it. We both enjoyed it completely though. In the morning when I was leaving I could not find my apartment keys having apparently giving them to my roommate so I left her my number in case she found them. A few weeks later she called and wanted to get together. I met her but had no feelings at all and did not want to have sex with her again.

Steph - My wife. I met my wife at a bar in the Haight Ashbury district of San Francisco. We took our times before having sex. We pretty much did everything else up until the point we were ready to have sex. The sex was fantastic. A few months after we started dating she moved to New York. (if you have read this blog for a while you know most of the story) We had sex again when she came out to visit and took pictures which I still secretly have.

Tessa - Tessa was the sexiest girl I knew in college. Even the way she walked just was so seductive. Maybe it was the olive skin, or maybe it was the innocent way she looked at you, I do not know. We kissed in college but since I had a girlfriend it never went any further. I ran into her one day after moving back to the east coast and the feelings were still there. We sort of dated but basically we just had sex. Even the sex with her was so seducing if that makes any sense. She moved to the west coast which I found ironic since I had just moved back east.

Alana - Alana was 6'2" and that was basically the only reason I wanted to have sex with her. I had never been with a woman that was taller than me and since I was 6'2" when she wore heels I did have to look up at her. We spent quite a bit of time together since she lived close by. The sex was fun, if not a bit awkward in my twin bed. I stopped calling her after she called me a schmuck for changing lanes in the Holland Tunnel. Granted I probably should not have done that it was still a little harsh for her to call me a schmuck.

Carla - Carla was very Italian, living in Jersey. She was pretty but completely arrogant. We made out like school kids leaning against her car outside a bar in Totawa. We had that what the fuck moment where we both just wanted to have sex and we did. It was quite fantastic, she rode me like crazy. Although we were both pretty drunk and the whiskey left me without a climax, the sex lasted quite a long time. I tried to make a friends with benefits relationship work with her but she was an alcoholic and ended up crashing her car into a tree, losing her license in the process. Friends with benefits does not work too well if I have to drive her everywhere she needs to go. We still remained good friends until I moved back West.

Mary (third and final time) - Acting like a complete dick I seduced her into my bed again and had some incredible sex with her. She wanted way more than I was willing to give even though I had promised her I would be there for her again...

Robin - She worked where I was volunteering and after talking with her on the phone quite a bit she asked me out. We spent a few nights together in her office in heavy petting sessions. After I introduced her to my friends she fell in love with one of my best friends. We finally had sex at her going away party, even after she was spending time with my friend. The last time I saw her we spent the night together in my friends place in Vermont. I passed out on her and she left before I woke up.

And now back to Steph, although its not that often that we have sex these days.

Monday, February 18, 2013

A Sunday Conversation

While at breakfast yesterday I brought up how I wanted to try to make some extra money. Financially we are doing okay, but we rarely do anything fun and I would like to have some spending cash to buy the things that I want and not always what I need.

So I brought up an idea of publishing some ebooks. Maybe some short stories, I already have ideas for several and a novel that I would like to write some day.

I have been doing some research on how to accomplish this and have been putting some of my ideas in writing. One of the interesting facts was that Romance is the top seller on almost every ebook site.

So I mentioned this to my wife. I told her about wanting to write and that the best way to make money would be romance and she laughed and said, "You would not be a very good romance writer."

I just smiled back at her and thought if she only knew. Maybe I would not be the best romance writer but I would say that I have been writing erotica for a while now.

It was then that I almost told her about the blog, but I knew there were other things on here that she would not understand.

She is still very sensitive when it comes to her idea of sex. Just to give you an idea, we were watching the Big Bang Theory the other night and she made the comment about Howard being sexist and I said well he is just always horny. She replied that it makes her uncomfortable given her current attitude towards sex.

I did think about writing about our relationship and how to deal with her depression and bipolar, somewhat like a self-help book written from the perspective of the spouse.

We shall see what happens. I may write some stories and see how they do, I can always fall back on erotica. Well not necessarily according to my wife, ha!

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

St. Valentines Day - Un-valentines Day

Okay, so here we are the day before Valentine's Day and I am already stressing about it.

I almost hate Valentine's Day as much as I hate New Years. They both represent overly hyped much too anticipated inevitably disappointing holidays. For some reason we expect so much from these days and they never deliver nearly what we desire.

The stores and restaurants are always way too crowded. We pay for a meal that because of the stress of the kitchen staff is never any good. And the fact that sex seems to be expected is enough for my wife to declare before the day even starts that the day will not end with us having sex.

I married my wife 13 years ago, and while we have had our ups and downs we are still in love with each other, why do I need a day to remind me to tell her that. I let her know every day.

When I asked her the other day what is our plan for the day, she automatically said well we have to go out to dinner. Why is that? I would be much happier if we had the Sunday brunch we have been planning to do for the past few months. Or even a good lunch on Friday when my daughter and wife are off of school.

So what is the point really? Why are we expected to use this day as our chance to tell our significant other that we love her. Do I love her more on February 14th than the other days of the year? Do I not try to do nice things for her on any other day? At least the other days may end up with me having sex. I know for a fact that there is a better chance of me winning the lottery than having sex on Valentine's Day right now.

Our track record for Valentine's Day has been the same every year, a long wait for food that was cooked in haste and ending the evening with the anticipation of sex but getting denied every time. Over the past few years I do not even try to be romantic, because it is seen as a ploy to have sex with her. Even if I deny the intention, we still end up arguing over the misconstrued meaning behind holding her hand on the way to dinner.

I completely understand too, sex is stressful for her, especially when it is expected. So I would gather that Valentines is as stressful for her as it is for me.

This year is even worse, everyone in our house has a nasty head cold, but as much as I try to get out of going to dinner tomorrow night we are still going to end up going.

Hopefully with such low expectations for the night it will turn out much better than anticipated. Maybe this year the food will at least be better.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

On the verge..

I feel like I am forever on the verge of greatness but never actually reaching it.

Its like those movies that start out with the people that are always down on their luck. Their apartment is in shambles, their job is completely mundane and their life is never moving forward.

The camera focuses on the hand of the protagonist as it hangs off the bed the dog licking his fingers. As the camera pans out we see the half naked person with the tattered covers hanging mostly off their overweight frame. He is smiling dreaming of some erotic scene of a supermodel licking his fingers instead of the dog that just finished cleaning herself in the corner of the room.

In walks the wife in a dirty terry cloth robe scratching the underside of her breast. She steps in a puddle left by the dog in the middle of the night and curses at the mutt.

We flash to breakfast, the family is now eating around the television, arguing over who was supposed to take the dog out the night before and who's fault it was leaving sour milk in the fridge.

At some point they all realize they are late and scramble out the door.

This is when as they are backing out of the driveway they run over the bike left there from the day before breaking it to pieces and flattening the tire of the car.

The story goes on like this until something amazing happens, it does not matter the specifics, it could be a winning lottery ticket, a new job offer, a relative that died and left a fortune to the family. Whatever it is the family is now thrust into the spotlight where they are living a fat life, until something majorly bad happens and they are flung back to earth worse than where they were before.

Of course they learn a lesson along the way and that is family is rich whether they have money or not...

I think I am rambling now, but the point I am trying to make is that we are not too far away from that family and while we have not had anything as amazing as what I have mentioned we have been giving many opportunities to make our life great only to somehow manage to never quite get ahead.

Sometimes I wonder if I am not trying hard enough or maybe expecting too much to happen. We are after all living a normal life, but never seem to be able to do exactly what we want.

For now I guess we will always be on the verge of greatness... hopefully someday we will cross that line and become truly great.