Wednesday, February 27, 2013

We Were Alone

I could feel the uncomfortable silence soon after my daughter left to go sleep at a friends house.

Sitting in my recliner, reading a story on my nook, I glanced over at her wondering what she was thinking.

"We are not going to have sex," she finally breaks the silence.

"Okay," I reply as I continue reading the story.

A few minutes later I look up from my screen and ask her why did she feel the need to say that right now.

It has been several months since we have had sex and with the lack of sex on valentine's day the times that we used to have sex are becoming few and far between.

She started to explain but I knew that her medication was already starting to kick in since I could tell her eyelids were getting heavy.

"I know this may be taken the wrong way, but I am not attracted to you right now." She said, slowly.

"I am not sure I understand," I said getting slightly angry.

And so the conversation started.

It was a conversation that we should have been having for quite some time now. Occasionally we will bring it up and then after a bit it will die down never completely being resolved.

For those that have been reading my blog on a regular basis you know the story. I am pretty much in a sexless marriage. And for someone as lascivious as I am it has been a difficult time.

I would be lying if I did not admit that internet porn got me through a lot of the tough times, as well as writing on this blog.

The conversation continued for a little while longer, with some back and forth banter, without really accomplishing anything. Until she declared she was tired and going to bed.

I stewed for a little while out on the couch and finally made it into the bedroom where I stared at the ceiling and thought about what tomorrow would bring.

Are we moving forward or is it a lost cause. At one point I was chatting with my friend on facebook and I told her that during the conversation my wife told me she does not like changing in front of me for fear of arousing me.

My friend and I agreed that she does not trust me and possibly thinks that I am a pervert, catching glimpses of her to get me hard. I tried to explain to my wife that seeing her get dressed was part of an everyday situation that it does not arouse me anymore than watching her eat cereal. It is not like she strips for me or wears something sexy. She merely goes from the shower to wearing jeans and a t-shirt.

So my friend asked, how can you move forward if she feels this way. I pondered that question for quite some time. I know a lot of what is affecting my wife is the mental health issues and her medication, but really if she feels that way now, what is going to change that.

Even when I was at my peak shape a few years back, she never would give me a compliment, mostly because she said it would feed my ego, but for me all I wanted was acknowledgement that I looked good to her. Now I know she could not give me those compliments because of the way she felt.

The next day I asked her if we were going to talk more about it, and she said there really was not much more she could say. I asked her what she meant by telling me she was not attracted to me and she clarified that she has no desire to have sex and that is what she meant.

Hopefully this will be the start of our conversations about this and that we can resolve the lack of sex in our relationship. She agreed to start going to the group she promised months ago and invited me to go to a group as well.

At the very least, it started the conversation again. This time I hope to keep it going and find a resolution.

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