Friday, October 25, 2013

The Conversation Begins

Last night I finally brought up our relationship.

I started out with one of those, 'I think we need to talk about our relationship.'  I could see the look in her eye as I am sure her heart skipped a beat.

I asked her why she gave me that look and she replied that anytime those words are spoken it usually is something bad.

'It is something bad,' I told her. 'But not in the way that you think.'

I brought up my unhappiness, our lack of intimacy.  The fact that we do not show any affection towards each other, etc.  We rarely fight, which is a good thing.  But her point about that is we show no feelings at all towards each other.  Like many other couples faced with the same dilemma, we have become roommates.

It was a perfect conversation.  Our daughter was out playing with a friend.  I was cooking dinner and we had not yet turned on the television.

She talked about her issues as she always does and I stopped her and said, 'this is why we are talking.'  'We never do talk about what you really want, or how you really feel.'

My wife did talk about her feelings, how she is not attracted to anyone, men or women.  And most of that stems from her previous abuse, again I alluded to it in a previous post.

Of course I know that she loves me, but I also know its not much more than caring for a friend at this point.

So how do we get that romance back, I asked her.  We had some great intimacy when we first started dating and even in the first few years of marriage.  Things changed after her first miscarriage, and it went downhill fast after that.

I laid it out on the table, I am willing to do whatever it takes to get back to those days.  Find out what can help her get through those bad memories and replace them with the good ones.  I will use our therapist's suggestion of sensual touch without sex, and hopefully we will get past the tough times together.

As the conversation progress something very interesting happened.  We talked more about her abuse and what techniques we can use to overcome those and also talked about my desires and how we can deal with that.

This is where it got interesting.  I probed her about her feelings and she mentioned that even though she does not want sex she has what she termed bizarre dreams.  Erotic dreams, dreams where she is essentially dominated, not necessarily abused.  She said that even though it feels like I am being abused in my dreams I wake up incredibly aroused.

I suggested that she is basically a submissive.  That out of her abuse her body has found a way to overcome that mental anguish and turn it into something erotic.  So we discussed exploring that side of her.  Not sexually at first but mentally.  Allow her to express her feelings for that type of situation.  I suggested reading erotic novels.  She was a little nervous about that since she did not want to read a rape fantasy, and I agreed with her.

She wants to understand submission but not being abused.  Where the guy has total control over the situation and she ultimately lets go of her feelings and just gives in to the guys desires.  Of course I told her we can do whatever makes her feel comfortable.

I also explained without revealing too much detail that I had some good sources for some erotica that she would really enjoy.

Of course we laid the groundwork to get through this rut, and even at one point the suggestion of me having a girlfriend FWB type situation to help was brought up.  At this point I think we need to focus on her, but neither of us shot that suggestion down.  She even said that it could actually help her while helping me.

We shall see what becomes of all of this, but at least its a start.

Last night we laid in bed together and I rubbed my hand on her back, something she really likes.  Sensual touching without sex, it may be something that I need to get used to, but if the end result is more sex how can I refuse.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

The Doldrums

Doldrums by definition are described as an oceanic area where the prevailing winds are calm.  A divergence of the two streams that create an area where the winds basically do not blow.

In the Phantom Toolbooth, the Doldrums were a colorless place where thinking and laughing are not allowed.

Is that what a 13 year marriage leads to.. the doldrums?  Are we destined to boredom, a lull as one of my fellow bloggers put it in a recent chat session.

Why do we become bored so easily?  Why do we let ourselves get in this rut?

My life is the same routine.  Work, dinner, watch television, read, sleep.  Everyday is the same.  Even when I am confronted with the possibility of a sexy evening I tend to not even try.

Maybe its the fear of rejection, maybe its that I am in a rut too.

This seems to be the recipe that cause most people to cheat... its not a midlife crisis, its the doldrums.

Its the boredom that you feel when you come home to the same thing every night.  The same situation at home.  The same emotional response from your spouse.

I constantly read articles about how to spice up your sexlife.  How to bring that spark back.  But the doldrums seem to swallow us all at some point.

Writing this blog was an attempt to navigate the doldrums, to get out of the rut that I found myself in.  I tend to get out but find my way right back in.

When we first moved out west, our lives were fantastic.  Sex was great, our situation was wonderful and we were happy.  As that faded we found our way back in the lull.

My wife told me the other day that sex is the furthest thing from her mind... I said that's funny because its the first thing I think of when I wake up, and quite possibly all I think about when I sleep.

She said, well that is your problem... Hun, I think this is a bit of our problem.  Sex may not lead me out of the doldrums but it may at least allow me to find the path.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

To be wanted...

Is it our desire to be wanted, to be pleased?

Sometimes I wonder if that is all that I need.  Even just to be acknowledged that I exist.

I flirt, that is what I do.  I do it because I want others to feel the same way that I do.  That there is a person out there that finds me interesting or attractive.

I enjoy the conversation.  I listen to them when they talk.  I am not there just to pick them up although it is fun to make those types of suggestions.

Maybe it comes from the fact that I like to talk.  Maybe it is because I do not feel that I am getting the attention at home.

My wife always said I was a flirt.  She knew that before we were married so she understands if I still do it.

I would never consider myself a player but I like to work the room when I am at an event or a party.  Make small talk with people, observe their behavior.

Sometimes I just sit back and watch.  That is probably the most useful for me.  Observe people's reactions to other people's conversations.  It is amazing how you can pick up boredom just from the way a person stands.

It is at those times that I may approach and rescue the person, seems to work wonders for a conversation.

Again my wife confuses confidence for arrogance.  I never consider myself arrogant, I just like to talk with new people.

Maybe it is because I like to think that my conversation was interesting and that maybe she finds me attractive.  Either way it is a far cry from when I was younger and never talked with anyone.

My wife seems to have so many other things on her mind... and I never seem to be one of them.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Wants and Needs

It will be a long road, and I understand it.

We talked about it before but never did act on it.  It makes her uncomfortable and I understand.

She has a problem opening up to anyone, she fears being vulnerable.

Her therapist suggested non-sexual touching.  Massage and touch but no sex.

Its hard but I have to try to restrain myself.  I know it will be better in the end.

Maybe I can get her to open up to me finally after 13 years of marriage.

I tried this weekend but she brushed me off.

I know she was just avoiding the situation but I know she had a rough week.

Maybe tonight I can try again and start the journey together.

Lord knows I need a little loving too.

Of course she needs it more right now and that is what I am going to do for her.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

HNT - Getting Dressed

Just a quick one to get me started again.

More to come... its just a start since the last one that I did was back in July.

Hope you like it...

and Happy HNT!

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Public or Private

Yesterday I received an interesting message on FetLife.  FetLife for me is a site that I visit occasionally to look at events and browse through some of the local profiles.  I have become friends with a few people locally but the other friends I have on there are from my blog.  At one point I was thinking of attending a few of the local munches but never had the courage to do so.

Of course part of the problem is that my wife is not a part of the scene nor will she ever be a part of it.  Not that it matters much, but I do not really want to participate in anything that I have to keep completely secret from her.  Well I do keep the blog secret but mostly that is just writing and fantasizing.  I still have never acted on anything that I think about doing or write about doing on this blog.

I even have an Ashley Madison profile but have never payed actually money because I am not sure how far I would go.

I guess I need to explain a few things.  I am essentially aroused almost all the time.  I think about sex more often then many other things and love to experience different situations sexually.  However I married a woman that views sex as a act that leaves her completely vulnerable.  A vulnerability that she can not let her self feel. She was abused at an young age, raped while on vacation and treated poorly by almost every man that she fell in love with.

Her depression has left us in a relationship that barely sees any intimacy and she can never really open up to me on that level.

We had great sex when we first started dating, and even when we were first married but things changed quickly.  Even when we have great sex now, a day or so later she does not even want to talk about it.  Again she feels that if she opens herself up to me she will be left vulnerable and so she resists it.

Starting this blog was a way for me to express myself and to vent my frustrations.  I have built quite a fantasy for me and a great persona for my sexual self.  I was always very adventurous when it came to sex and every relationship I have had has included some incredible sexual acts.  So that part of my life is real. 

I have also found myself through this blog.  I have found my sexual preferences, my true desires, and have a completely different outlook of myself.  In a sense I have grown as a person because of what I have experienced as Jack Bader.  I spend more time taking care of myself, making myself look good.  I work on my body more and have explored more sexually, albeit mostly by myself.

So when I received this message yesterday I was trying to piece together what she was trying to tell me.  It came from a friend that I have never met and only conversed with through the site.  Somehow she said a few things that were so perfect describing my relationship with my online persona that I had to share.

" can have your fun without the approval of others, let alone being openly involved in any one group.
Clearly, that is what works for you... I respect what you say about it and how you feel about it. It seems to me that you really are seeking intimacy, and that's nice." 
My involvement with FetLife is much like my involvement with this blog.  It is a tool I use to express my alter ego, more importantly my true self.  A self that I have not expressed openly anywhere else.

I would love to meet people from my blog in real life.  Even it is just to have a drink and talk about our lives. I have sought out some others that I chat with on a semi regular basis and see that despite the sexual nature of our blogs everyone of us has completely normal lives.

I have my friends that I ski with, friends that I drink with, friends that I bike with and friends that I work with, but it would be completely liberating to have friends that I can talk about sex with and that is what this blog has done for me.  Of course I am always up for some new chat friends so feel free to hit me up at anytime.

Most of you have no idea what I am like in real life, although I am sure many can get an idea from what I write about.  Although my writing and my real life do not intersect completely so getting the whole picture is quite different.

Sometimes I wish I could show my wife my private life and have her understand how I feel.  The writing on this blog allows my private self to shine through and become public.  Like I replied to my FetLife friend, maybe someday my public self can finally meet my private self in real life.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Finding the time

I find myself struggling to keep up on things that I once enjoyed.  My reasons are not that I do not want to keep writing and updating and keeping in touch with friends and such... all of these I have failed on in the past few months.

But mainly because I work, come home, clean, take care of my daughter, cook dinner, clean up after dinner and by that time I am too tired to do anything else. 

My life is great, do not think that I am complaining, but I am just busy living.

My routine is the same almost every day and I actually do not mind doing all the work.  Sometimes I do wish that I could find the energy to keep updating the blog and keep in touch with all my friends.  Maybe I need to add this to my routine and stick with the plan.

I have not even kept up on the other blogs that I used to read on a regular basis. I read bits and pieces here and there but some of them I am so lost. 

Some of the other blogs have also gone away or have not been updated recently, and then I am left with trying to find some new writers to entertain myself.

I had every intention of catching up yesterday but found myself baking cookies at 8 p.m.

Granted the cookies were delicious but it left me a bit further behind.

I cant make excuses for not being around.  Like I said I have just been busy living, but I am going to try harder do be here.

Maybe I will join in some of the fun ways to keep the interest going.

So here is to a happy October.  Halloween is my wife's favorite month... if only I could get her to dress up for me once in a while. ;-)