Thursday, December 11, 2014

On Writing

So as always this post has taken me a few days to write.  And the whole point of this post was to talk about the fact that you have to keep writing everyday in order to be a better writer.

Guess I need to follow these rules a lot more often.

What I originally wanted to say was that I find it very hard to find enough time in the day to write.  I usually have time in the evenings but never feel like writing then.  The mornings are way to hectic and when I am at work I am usually much too busy.  Plus writing a story about sex is probably not a good idea on a work computer.

I have often thought about buying a new computer so I can write while I am sitting in my living room.  My last laptop is pretty much unusable and my desktop is in my bedroom which creates problems if my wife wants to go to sleep early.

I have not had a need for a laptop for the most part since I usually bring my work computer home on the weekends and use that for everything else.  But since one of my goals for 2015 is to write more I need to find an alternative.

Originally I thought about buying a new desktop and getting a tablet for the living room.  I can attach a keyboard and write whenever the urge presents itself.  And that is what I will probably do at some point but finances have not been the greatest right now.

The other problem is inspiration.  Sex has been non-existent for me for a little bit and every bit of inspiration I have had in the past has also been hard to find.  As many know I typically try to write from experience, but if I lack experience recently then what do I really have to write about.

I keep up on the reading of the other blogs and I see that some incorporate everyday activities into sexual stories, which is what I may have to do.  But again recently things have been a little slow in that aspect.

A few months ago I formed a LLC for some of the side work that I do.  I was designing websites briefly and still have some work that I do.  Part of the reasoning I formed the LLC, or reformed since I had one about 5 years ago, was to start writing more stories.

I was briefly a news reporter and magazine writer, so I thought maybe I could start writing again and make some money at it.  I could create the website, build the content and hope that advertisers would want to post their products.  At the very least if I could make a few hundred dollars from the site I would be happy.

Of course this is the problem that I have.  Finding the time to do all this.  If writing takes a long time for me, how will I be able to design my own site and build the content.

My twitter feed is filled with people that make a pretty good living at writing, especially erotica.  But they tend to write every single day.  Maybe I need to just set a time and a place for me to do my writing and stick to a schedule everyday.

I have said this before, that I need to update the blog much more often and I go a few days and keep it up but after a week or two I am back to my old habits.

One day I will figure this thing out.  Hopefully sometime soon.

Monday, November 3, 2014

43

I wonder all the time how I got here.  Trying to figure out the decisions I made over the years that have led me to this exact situation that I find myself in.

Watching Supernatural the other day, an older season on Netflix, there was a question of fate.  That whether the decisions that we make during the course of our lives would actually lead to different outcomes.  The character on the show basically said that there was no such thing.  That every decision we make would change the path slightly but the end would always be the same no matter what happened.

As a atheist I would think that decisions would always have an impact on life, but sometimes I wonder that no matter what I do or do not do the outcome always seems to be the same.  And it is how you react to this outcome that shapes your life for the future.

There are always times where I could have changed the decision that led me here, but would I ultimately find my way to this place regardless of the choices I make?

Would things be any different?  As a scientist I know everything strives towards some sort of equilibrium.  That where there is an action there is an equal reaction that ultimately cancels it out, and also when the balance is out of whack bad things happen.

I reflect on these decisions that have changed my life and wonder about the balance of things at the time.  These types of thoughts always seem to happen at my birthday.  As I become another year older I look back at my life and see what types of things I did over the past year and how it affects my next year.  I almost always end up depressed because I see myself getting older but I am not any more secure financially or emotionally than I was 20 years ago.

The choices I make over the year always seem to change my life at the time that I make them but ultimately I find myself in the same place I was at the beginning of the year before.

That is the balance of things.  That is the equilibrium that my life seems to strive for.

This is why I never make any resolutions at the beginning of the year.  No matter what I decide I am going to change my life always seems to be the same.  The things that do change, my location, my hair or clothes have relatively no impact on what my year ends up becoming.

Even when I changed my job years ago, thinking it was for the better I find myself in the same position I was 10 years ago, wondering what I really want to do for the next 10 years.

So that brings me back to the story in Supernatural.  Do we really have no control over our ultimate fate?  Do our actions or changes large and small in our lives really not have any lasting impact?

This is always the time where someone will say that you have to live in the moment.  Enjoy what you have and not wonder about what you did or did not doing during your life that would make a difference.  And I always do live in the moment.  But it seems the week before and after my birthday I reflect on those other moments during the year that makes this moment possible and wonder if things could have been different or will they always lead me to the same place?

So here is to becoming 43.  One year older, not any wiser, and still at the same job I took when I was 33.  My life is good, I can't complain, I just wonder where I will go from here.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

My Dilemma

I have become somewhat content with the lack of sex situation.  It is almost like I have given up on trying to seduce my wife and grown accustom to the lack of attention.

Part of the problem is that my wife and I have been having trouble sleeping.  I know, I know most people would say that is the perfect opportunity to have sex.  Especially since I know I always sleep better after a bit of fun.

But it is to the point where she goes to bed and wants all the lights and sounds in the room to cease and hopefully she will fall into a deep sleep.  I know it has been affecting her emotionally so I let it go and want her to sleep.

So like any good husband I let her do what she needs to so we can have a happy relationship.  Of course that does not help me with my sex issues and the rest of our relationship but if she is able to function normally during the day and things start to settle down with our sleep issues than maybe sex will be back on the table.

We both consider some of the issue to be her weight.  She has gained quite a bit of weight over the past few years.  Not that she is fat, but I am sure her weight has something to do with her sleep.  While I encourage her to go walking and do other activities her sleep patterns and exhaustion prevent her from doing anything after work and she ends up gaining more weight.

I know that sleep apnea runs in her family and her being overweight it definitely can contribute to the lack of sleep.

While I want to encourage her to work out I also do not want her to hate me for suggesting it.  There are so many issues related to her weight.  She has no self confidence, no energy, does not sleep well and has other health issues.  Her doctor has told her that she needs to lose some weight to remain healthy but it is hard to become motivated.

Believe me, I know self motivation is not easy.

But I feel that if she lost weight she would be healthier, happier, and we would have more sex.  Then our relationship would be better and ultimately we would be sleeping much better.

And here is the dilemma.  How can I help her to motivate her weight loss.  I know that me encouraging her would probably back fire and just flat out telling her would cause her to be angry with me.  She knows her weight is an issue and she knows she has to do something about it but I would rather it come from a friend then from me.

What do my female readers think?

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Inbox (69)

I write this post with my inbox open in the background with 69 unread messages.  What this has to do with my post, absolutely nothing, but I thought it was interesting.

I actually have quite a bit to write about, unfortunately nothing involves sex or at least my having sex.

Spent the last week in New Orleans.  It was my first time to the Big Easy and I have to admit, what an incredible city.

Having arrived on a Sunday, I thought that it would be a quite night where I could sit and have dinner and enjoy some of the historic sites.  It started as such, but ended with many glasses of whiskey and me talking to the ladies of a bachelorette party.  That was only the beginning.

By Thursday night, a night that I did not spend in a drunken stupor and retired to the hotel early, (1 am), I was shaking and my heart was pounding in my chest from the lack of alcohol.

I am glad to be back in my hometown and my liver thanks me too.  Funny thing is that I was there for a work conference.  Going to the conference hung over was tough until one of the organizers admitted to be so hungover during one of our more important meetings.  It was definitely a relief to see everyone in the same position.

I went with the intent of enjoying good food, music and people, and ended up drinking more than I ate.

Again, what an incredible city.

There are a lot of other things going on in my life that warrant some good posts, but I have learned that I tend not to read a long post and would rather break them into shorter posts.

I plan on writing them and setting up a time to publish them so they come out in sequence, giving people time to read and respond if they care to.

If you have never been to New Orleans, I highly, highly recommend it... just remember to give your liver a break at some point.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Hacked Celebrities - Victim Blaming

The aftermath of the celebrity hacking scandal is evident on many of the news sites in the comments from the people reading the news.

The overwhelming majority of people seem to think that the fault lies with the celebrities for taking naked pictures of themselves and assuming they are safe when they are on their own personal cell phone or in their own personal cloud account.

How is that logic even reasonable.  So let's just say that I decide at some point that I am in a loving relationship with someone that I trust and we decide to send each other provocative pictures, or even go so far as take pictures while we are involved in an intimate act.  We have taken these pictures with a mutual trust that they will stay between us and not be shared.

With the immediate backup of my phone to the internet those pictures end up on some website that only I know the password to and we can access together later.  If someone steals those pictures off of that site and posts them without either of our permissions that is technically theft and is a violation of our privacy.  This is the argument that I have seen from the celebrities that are victims of this hack.

And I agree 100%.

Did you know that celebrities are just like us.  They get naked and have sex and maybe make some bad choices but like all of us that write on these blogs we like somethings to remain private.

I have naked pictures of my wife, and had pictures of an old girlfriend and actually have some of the people that I have met on this site, and I would never post any of these without permission from the people in the pictures.

Where does it say that as a celebrity they give up their right of privacy?  And I am not saying that on the street they can't be photographed or if they go without panties they can't complain when a picture of them exiting a car goes viral.

What I am talking about is private pictures that people share with someone they trust.

Yes American has to open up a bit more about sexuality as I have seen some comments indicating.  But this culture of victim blaming and slut shaming has to stop.

Kate Upton and Jennifer Lawrence and the myriad of other celebrities caught up in this scandal are not sluts, they are not stupid or at fault for not knowing the consequences of technology.  They merely took some intimate pictures of themselves that were meant for only a few eyes.

Please let us stop blaming the victims.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Low Libido

Sex was going well for a little while.  We were planning on doing it quite often and trying to find times that we would be alone.

Twice in the same week, that was a good thing and then she got a UTI.  So of course we had to slow it down again.

We talked about other things and even talked about if we did it often enough maybe she would not be prone to the UTI.  She also has staph infections that she gets in the panty area.   Now I don't mind those issues but she does not let me touch her when that happens.

So back to the waiting game.  Although we both knew that things would pick back up when things cleared up and I was already patient, what is a few more days.

Then something changed.  My mind went from constantly thinking about sex to thinking about it maybe once a day to maybe once every few days to almost nothing at all.

I did not realize it at the time, I just figured things were a bit stressed at both work and home and I decided it was not anything to really worry about.

During a typically work week, I usually masturbate a couple mornings after my wife goes off to work and on the weekends it usually works out to right before I go to bed and right when I wake up the next day.

I like to wake up early and go out to watch porn on my laptop then masturbate while laying on the couch.

Recently that has changed.  I have not really been masturbating at all, and as far as trying to initiate sex with my wife, I have taken a slower approach.

I started thinking maybe my libido has slowed.  I went from checking some of my porn feeds on my phone every few hours to not at all.

Strange for me since I usually get hard when the wind blows differently.

I think a lot of it has to do with my job and the stress of work and home life.

When I really started thinking about it I thought maybe I should watch some porn or do something to see how it makes me feel.  Maybe it is a medical issue and not just a mental one.

But alas, this weekend when I was alone with my wife and she was dressed in her pajamas I started to caress her body and realized it was all mental and now I am back.

Just writing this blog post is making me hard.... so I guess my libido needed a vacation too.

Glad that it is not something medical.  With my wife all cleared up and ready to go, maybe I will have a sexy post later this week.  We shall see.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

My Submissive Wife

My sex life is extremely vanilla as you have read on here.  More often than not it is non-existence but when we do have sex it is missionary, or me on my side and her on her back.  We occasionally change it up like last week and I put her legs over my shoulders and we fuck hard.  But it is still always vanilla.

When talking about it I explain my desires to explore more non-traditional sex.  I want to explore bondage and restraints and would love to get slightly more into pain and withholding pleasure from the other partner.

During one of these conversations she told me her dreams.

She dreams about being fucked roughly by strangers.  Being held down and taken, not against her will but restrained to where she can not resist.

In her dreams she explained that it is never with me, but always someone else.  Someone she has never met before and can not really make out the face.

She told me she was embarrassed by it and that I should not take it the wrong way.  Take it the wrong way, ha, I am turned on by it.

Stranger fantasies are on my list of things I want to try.  Not necessarily bringing someone else into the bedroom but acting out a little scene with her meeting me in a bar acting like we do not know each other then going back to our place or even a motel and fucking like we just met.

I suggested and she said it would be fun to try.

The idea of restraints is new for me too, I never thought she would want to be held down.  With her sex seems more of a chore, something that she does to please me.  Something that she does not like very much.

We are trying to change that.  And now I realize that my wife may be a submissive.

It definitely turns me on to think about having her tied up or even the idea of pretending to not know each other.

Maybe I would even be comfortable bringing someone else into the bedroom at some point.  Someone that could fulfill both our fantasizes.

It is amazing for me to consider all this, and maybe a bit too good to be true.  Hopefully I can pique her interest in these things again and we can explore all this together.

It is definitely a turn on for me and hopefully it will be for her.  I know she tells me she wakes up wet after having these dreams, so that is a good sign.

Friday, July 11, 2014

A Night In

The decision had been made a few days prior, it just so happened to work out that our daughter was over a friends house at the time.

We sat together on the couch, her legs over mine me caressing her thighs.

My thoughts wandered to what was in store for the evening and I thought we should turn off the tv and retire to the bedroom.  She had different thoughts and asked me to brush her hair.  I accepted her proposition and we sat with her at my feet and me brushing her long blond hair.

Time seemed to stop right about then.  I stroked her hair and tuned everything else out from the day.  With my daughter off at a friends there were no interruptions.  My cock was already hard and I thought about taking her right there in the living room.  But the moment was perfect and I wanted to wait until we were comfortable in bed.

We finished up the show with her next to me and me rubbing her back.  She loves the way that I tickle her skin, slowing moving my hand back and forth just barely touching her.

I got up and began turning off all the lights as she went into the bedroom to get ready for bed.

I was first in bed and when she joined me the anticipation was amazing.  My heart thudded in my chest as I reached down to touch her thigh.  It was then that I realized she had no panties on.

My hands caressed her skin moving around to her ass and finding the wetness of her pussy.  I laughed and told her that she was amazing.

I quickly found her clit and began rotating my fingers.  Slowly at first and then picking up the pace just as I know she likes it.  Her body got tense and she started to moan, loudly since there was no one else in the apartment aside from the dogs staring up at us wondering what all the noise was from.

She gripped my hand hard as I pushed my fingers into her and she let out a long hard moan and called out 'don't stop.'  I didn't and just went faster.  Her body lifted off the bed as she came and I continued to rub my fingers on her clit.

Twice she said, I replied you came twice and she said yes.

She wanted me inside her at this point so I put my cock at her opening and rubbed it up and down.  She was already wet but the sensation for me was amazing.  I was on my side at this point and she was on her back with one leg over me.  I pushed a bit forward and entered her.  She moaned again.  I withdrew a bit and pushed back into her a bit further this time.

Slowly I entered her fully and stopped to enjoy the warmth of our bodies together.  My thrusting at this point was long and deep but I wanted to last.  In this position I do not come too quickly and she seems to enjoy it.  We stayed that way for several minutes, me thrusting slowly into her.

I wanted to feel more so I moved around on top of her, missionary style.  My pace quickened but I slowed down feeling close to a release.  Grabbing her thighs I placed them on my shoulders and pushed hard into her.  She called out 'Yes!' and I smiled.

My fingers went to her clit again but she stopped me and told me she did not want to get too sore, since she wanted to do this again in a few days.

I pulled them away and pulled my cock out fully and rubbed again at her opening.  My mind was thinking about the perfect moment we were having and I wanted it to last a long time.  We came together for this from some dark places and I felt more connected with her then I have in years.

Staring at her face I pushed once again back into her and began to pick up my pace.  Harder, faster with my hands above her head and her legs resting on my shoulder.  With one long hard push I felt my cock explode inside her.  It was more intense than I could remember and I felt my cock pulse.  We sat there for a few seconds with me still inside her and I told her that I loved her.




Thursday, July 3, 2014

Cock Shot

Many women have seen my cock.  Not just the girlfriends that I have had sex with or been intimate with, but others too.

There was a time in college that I would get naked and run around the neighborhood, of course no one at the time had cell phones so we never had to worry about being exposed on the internet.

My cock is not large by any means but it is not small either.  I guess I can say that I am bigger than most, and have been told by girlfriends that I have a good size cock.  Of course like many men I like the looks of my cock.  It is nice looking and especially since I started grooming on a regular basis it looks much better.

When I started the blog a few years back now I had never actually taken any naked pictures of myself.  Sure I had the picture of my cock inside my girlfriend and her giving me a blowjob but never any self shots.  I just was not that into my body.  I have always been athletic and have always had a nice looking body but I never felt the need to show it off.

Since I began participating in half-naked thursday (HNT) now somewhat defunct, I posted more and more of my body and began looking at myself in a different way.

It empowered me to post a picture of myself as I was getting back into shape and have women compliment me.  Most of these women I had already seen pictures of them and as good as they looked I was amazed that they saw me as sexy.

It was not too long that I started chatting with a few of them and so began the inevitable sharing of the cock shot.  Of course I would never send anyone an unsolicited cock shot.  I am not one of those desperate people with a huge ego or at least want their ego stroked all the time.

Do not get me wrong I liked all the responses I received.

Most recently I sent a shot to a new friend and she told me she shared it with her friend.

And then the daughter of her friend found it on her mom's phone and she proceeded to tell me about it.

Her daughter by the way is in her 30s so there was no unsuspecting minors that were exposed to any sort of pornography.

I have to admit that I was completely turned on by this.

Not that the daughter found the pictures but that her friend had apparently been drooling over the picture.

I am not sure if it is the desire to be thought of like that or if I just am a horny guy.  But it definitely gives me a thrill, especially when I can share things on here anonymously and not have anyone judge me for it.

I would imagine it is the same feeling that some of the women that share pictures of themselves when they get a nice compliment.

So here is to the amazing cock shot and even better pussy pic, may they live on forever.

Happy 4th!

When I was younger and living in New Jersey we used to put all our money together in the weeks leading up to the 4th of July and buy fireworks from some small shop in New York City.

The shop was in Little Italy and you would drive up to it, one person got out and placed the order and they told you to pull your car into the alley and they would load you up and you would be on your way.

It was all completely illegal and very strange to actual do the transaction but you would leave with enough explosives, umm I mean fireworks to have your own full show.

One of the boxes we would get would be a gross (144) of quarter sticks of dynamite.  Basically as the name implies a quarter of a stick of dynamite.  These packed much more than an m80 or a blockbuster, but in our minds they were still safe enough to hold in your hand and throw out into the backyard of whoever' house you were celebrating at.

Every once in a while we would get bigger ones, half sticks or even the professional grade 10 inch salutes, you know the ones that would create the big blossom of colors in the sky.  We had to take an old metal pipe and place them at the bottom with a long fuse.  You definitely did not want to be close when they ignited but inevitably fueled by alcohol someone always got a bit too close and ended up without an eyebrow at the end of the night.

Thinking back it always amazes me that no one was seriously hurt.

We had a few mishaps, like the time the roman candle that shot m80s instead of colored balls blew up when a guy was holding it and he broke a rib.

Or the time when the half stick that we put into the watermelon went off on a delayed fuse and covered the person that was trying to relight the fuse in the pieces of watermelon and seeds.

Of course there was the time when we got drunk and went through almost half the gross of quarter sticks in my friends backyard and when his mom came home the next day noticed 70 still smoking craters left over from the previous night.

Watching my friend trying to explain that the dog dug all those wholes was hilarious.

If we only had camera phones back then.  I would assure you that the videos would have been amazing.

The best was the day that we all were drinking and waiting for one of our friends to return from the trip to NY.  Upon arrival we decided to start the festivities, even though it was only the 15th of June.  Most of the fireworks were in boxes or bags and placed along the fenceline of my friends properties where we thought it would be safe.

Well an errant bottle rocket landed in one of the bags and lit it on fire.  We all noticed it and took of running back into the house.  Being the smart people we were, we sat there in room with the sliding glass door to the outside with our faces plastered against the glass.  The first few explosions were nothing spectacular but as all the bags caught fire it was like being in a war zone.  Bottle rockets, roman candles, m80s, quarter sticks, salutes all going off at the same time with debris bouncing off the glass door.  Each time we would laugh and fall back and then get right back against the glass to continue watching.

When the show finally was over, the police were there to see what was going on.  They came to confiscate our fireworks but when we showed them the smoking mess left in the backyard they just laughed at us and told us that we were lucky no one was hurt.  There was nothing left to confiscate, over a thousand dollars of illegal fireworks went off in less than 30 minutes.  Broke but still laughing I will always remember that day.

Happy 4th of July everyone!  Have a safe and wonderful weekend.

Monday, June 2, 2014

Office Humor

Something I just heard at my office that I thought was pretty funny taken out of context.

Damn its so hard to get into this meat, it really should not have to be this hard...
 And then it is wet.

That was one of the female workers from next office over trying to open her lunch meat container.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Tornado

The tornado sirens went off this weekend, as they went off we all went outside to see the funnel cloud forming.  There was no danger ultimately but we all wanted to see it first hand.  Probably not the smartest thing but that is what we do sometimes, we like to watch the train wreck as it happens.

Anyway, that was real, this is more metaphorical. 

My life has been a whirlwind recently.

As I probably already mentioned work has been nothing less than stressful.  I barely have enough time to compete the tasks before something else comes up and I have to work on that for a while.  I have not had a break mentally in quite some time.

It is not just that either.  Each week a new problem has presented itself.  Something I have never done before or an issue that I have never faced.  None of it is really bad, just unexpected.  This is for my life and my job.

I have approached each task in the same manner, thinking it will be over before I know it and then I can call it an accomplishment.

Things are basically happen so fast, maybe even too fast for me to respond.  I think that is good and bad.  The ride has to stop at some point but who knows when and where.

I think a lot hinges on the fact that my work is so busy that things I used to take care of during the day I have no time to do.  And home life is always busy so if I try to do it at home then it never gets done, so I have to cram it in at the moment that it comes along. 

I feel like a video game where things come at you and you have to react by either smashing whatever it is, grabbing it, or jumping over it.  The decision is instantaneous and hopefully you make the right one otherwise you lose.  Well so far I am winning and each level is getting more difficult.

I wonder if this is what life is like at 40 and everyone faces it and that is why some people have mid-life crises.

Don't get me wrong I am loving every minute of my life right now and I still find time to do things that I enjoy, but that is just it.  I am fitting in all these activities around all the others and for now I am getting away with it, but again who knows how long that will last.

Maybe I am just jaded because I have had things come crashing down before and maybe I should just enjoy the ride and not think about what could happen.

But there is something in the back of my mind that thinks if the tornado does hit how many pieces will I have to pick up?

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Body Modifications

As a person open to different types of relationships and sexual activities I am pretty liberal when it comes to a person's choice for their body.

But really what is with all the tattoos and body piercings these days. 

Going downtown recently I realized that being the one person without a tattoo or body piercing I was the one who was not normal.

I don't mind a few tattoos, in fact I like seeing a girl with nice tats but when your entire arm is covered and some look like prison ink I think that is too much.

Sitting by the pool yesterday I saw some tats I really liked and some women that I could not even figure out what they were trying to say with all the ink.

I know its a personal choice and I think that you are trying to express yourself but there seems to be a lot of bad ink.

Also, tongue piercings, ears, belly button, clitoral, nipples even the eyebrow piercings I can live with, but when you have a hole in your ear or if you have a hoop in your nose I can not sit there and talk with you on any level.

I just can't take anyone seriously when they have a hoop sticking out of their nostrils.  It makes you look like a bull and not a woman.  And a hoop on your lip, why would you do that?  Or the dreaded stud on your chin, I even saw a girl that had a point sticking out of her chin.  She was otherwise beautiful but again when I saw that I just would not be able to get past staring at her chin.

Why do people do these things to their body.

I sound like an old man, but really back in my day the only people that did this type of things were the punk rockers.  They even had shows about the body mod people on cable.  Now it seems that it is all too common.

Like I said I am pretty liberal when it comes to these types of things but sometimes a more subdued look is much better than have a tat sleeve.

Sorry, end of my rant.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Lets Talk About Sex

So my daughter is away on a school trip, leaving us with lots of alone time. 

I know that typically during this type of situation my wife seems to create all kinds of barriers between us so that I do not anticipate that being alone with her means I will have sex.

Knowing the situation before hand I usually try to tread carefully, although recently my wife went off of her birth control.  I realize that if you have been reading my blog that you would wonder why she even needs birth control since we rarely have sex.  Well it helps to control her emotions.  We realized at some point that if she has her period she becomes more depressed.

Anyway, she recently switched doctors and the new doc has not done anything about her birth control yet so she waited too long to receive her shot and now has to wait even longer so she can get a period.

Well that being said we have been discussing the birth control issue and along with that the sex.

So when my daughter left for the trip the conversation inevitably went to what to do while she was gone.  One of our other friends made the joke about having all the time alone and taking advantage of not having any kids in the house, hinting that we could have all the sex we wanted.

Well after that we talked about I and she mentioned that without birth control she did not want to have intercourse.  I said well I can use a condom or just ejaculate somewhere else.  She immediately said no way, I don't want to be covered in semen. 

So now I can add that to the ever growing list of things that she does not like about sex.  I asked her about how she felt when I came inside her and she said that is different.  It is easier to clean up.

I suggested using a towel or something else and she still insisted that we wait until she gets her shot again.

So last night after she complained about her day and having a massive headache I decided to at least invest in some intimate touching.  I had no intention of violating her wish of not having sex, I just thought she wanted a back massage and some simple touching.

Well I got behind her while she was checking email and started rubbing her back.  At some point she checked the messages from her doctor to see if they could get her in to get the shot for the birth control, so at least I know she was feeling a bit aroused.

I did not bring up sex during that time, although I am sure with me up against her back with an erection she felt my arousal. 

It is definitely the first step that we need to start reconnecting on the sexual level.  I am hoping that she ends up getting her shot soon so we can hopefully have sex again.  Although I know it will not happen before my daughter gets home since that is tomorrow.

While we were on the subject I did ask her about why she did not want to have sex all that much.  She told me it was a body image issue.  Since she gained a lot of weight she did not like the way I look at her during sex. 

Back to the post about the perception of sexy...

Personally I like to be on top watching her breasts bounce.  She told me she feels uncomfortable with her fat and said that maybe we could try with a shirt on.

Of course I did not complain, anything that will help us having sex again will be a good thing in my book.

I did suggest that we could do doggy with her wearing a shirt, and she agreed that would be okay.

So here is to hoping she gets her shot soon and that she will still want to have sex, fingers crossed.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Cock Pic

I sent a picture to a lady friend a few months back and when going through my old email with her I found the picture.

Of course it was a picture of me lying in bed with my hand on my cock.  It is not a very flattering picture since I was not fully erect so it does not show my full size.

Not that I am that big anyone, I have a somewhat average size penis in length and am a bit thicker than average.

I was thinking of posting it anonymously on a site that shows cocks, but was unsure of what type of response I would receive.  Not that I am self conscious about it but I have heard some of my fellow bloggers talk about cock pics they receive from time to time and they are amazed at how big some of them are.

Of course the opposite is true as well.  I have an addiction to amateur porn, and I can safely say that I am bigger than most of the guys that I see on those sites.  There are sometimes exceptions to that rule and those videos are interesting to say the least, but for the most part I am above average in size.

I have had girlfriends tell me that I was larger than most of the people they were with but maybe that was just to stroke my ego.

Anyway the picture ended up on my phone and I am bit worried.  The last time I put a picture on my phone it uploaded it to a website that I use to store some of my family pictures.  The last thing I would want to explain was why there was a picture of my cock on the internet, well at least having to explain that to my wife.

I have no shame in showing it to others.

Although if you were expecting by the title of this post that I would be putting it on the blog, well I will have to decide if I want to or not.

Friday, May 16, 2014

To be desired

Over the last few years, I have worked hard to make myself a better person.


I work out quite often.  I read lots of books and magazines.  I spend more time with my daughter and try to give my wife the attention that she deserves.


I have been working harder at my job.  Been trying to save some money for that rainy day and spending more time doing the things that I enjoy.


I would say life is going really well for me right now, and from the outside looking in you would probably say the same thing.

We bought a new car, have been traveling a bit more, and spending more time outside the apartment.


On the inside though I have been depressed and angry lately.


I snap quickly at small things at home.  I get anxious when the apartment is a little out of place.  I snap at my dogs when they do not understand what I am trying to make them do and overall I am a feeling very emotional.


In these times I tend to surf the internet more.  I look for things that I do not normally pursue when I am feeling good.  I think a lot of it comes down to me wanting to feel like I am wanted, desired.  I like compliments because I never receive any at home.


I want someone to say how good I look or how sexy I am or how they feel about me.


I do not need it that often.  I am happy with myself and the things that I do for me.  Every now and then I just want to feel wanted, not just loved, but lusted after.  I want to see the desire in the other person's eyes and feel what they feel.


I have felt it a few times in the past year with people I have met.  Of course it is never the right situation and they do not want to be with a married person.  And I still do not know if I am capable of cheating, but I like when someone looks at me with desire in their eyes.


I read on a blog that someone was complaining of being in a zombie marriage.  That is exactly what it is for me.  I feel that I leave my brains at the office and walk around the apartment not caring about anything anymore.


I am sure things will change again as they always do, but sometimes I wonder what else I can do to break free of this funk.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

A Chance Encounter

I typically take the back way to work.  One that takes me past the open space that begins in the foothills. 

It is a beautiful drive without much traffic at all.

One part of the drive takes me past the parking lot that leads to the hiking trails along the side of the hills.  It is a fairly well used area and usually has quite a few cars parked there.  Although in the morning there are only a few.

This morning I thought about an arrangement to meet there.  Maybe the beginning of a relationship, a rendezvous spot.  The lovers could drive their respective cars on the way to work in the morning and pull up along side.

One would get out and enter the others and they would play.

I wondered how many times that has happened at this particular area.  It is not all that remote but enough that you would not be noticed.  You would have to leave the parking lot in order to have real fun, but there are so many choices from there that it would be easy to use this as the meeting place.

I like to people watch and this place would be perfect to formulate stories to the pairs of drivers that show up there.  Of course not everyone would be meeting for a romantic tryst but a few might be.

This gets me wondering what it would be like to meet a lover here.

To have a woman enter my truck and we drive off together to find a more secluded spot.  A spot we could lose all inhibitions and have passionate wild sex.

And then I can drop her back off and we can go our respective ways to our own families and be left with the thoughts of our passionate day with no one being the wiser to our chance encounter.



Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Perception of what is sexy

I did not see the episode of Louie that a lot of people have been talking about lately but I have heard a lot about it.


It was the one where Louie is asked out by a larger girl and she has a speech about why people do not date fat girls.


Here is an excerpt from the speech if you have not seen the episode:
Tell anyone how bad it sucks because it’s too much for people. I mean, you? You can talk into the microphone and say you can’t get a date, you’re overweight. And it’s adorable. But if I say it, they call the suicide hotline on me. I mean, can I just say it? I’m fat. It sucks to be a fat girl. Can people just let me say it? It sucks. It really sucks. And I’m going to go ahead and say it. It’s your fault. Look – I really like you. You’re truly a good guy, I think — so, sorry. I’m picking you. On behalf of all the fat girls, I’m making you represent all the guys. Why do you hate us so much? What is it about the basics of human happiness – you know, feeling attractive, feeling loved, having guys chase after us – that’s just not in the cards for us? Nope, not for us. How is that fair? And why am I supposed to just accept it?
Of course when Louie tells her that she is really beautiful she replies:

Come on. If I was a “very really beautiful” then you would have said yes when I asked you out. I mean, come on, Louie, be honest here. You know what’s funny? I flirt with guys all the time. And I mean, the great looking ones, like the really high caliber studs? They flirt right back. No problem. Because they know their status will never be questioned. But guys like you never flirt with me because you get scared that maybe you should be with a girl like me. And why not?!
Guys have it easy.  They can get fat and old and still be considered handsome.  


Yes there are men that find bigger women sexy, like me.  But low self esteem is a hard thing to overcome especially when the perception of an attractive female is someone who is skinny.  Just look at all the critics of Kate Upton.


I have heard people complain that she is fat or has no shape or she needs to go on a diet or hit the gym.  She is absolutely gorgeous.  Why do we feel the need to have the most beautiful women be pretzel thin. 


My wife is sexy and I keep telling her that.  She was always a bigger girl, worked out quite a bit in the gym but was never pencil thin.  She had curves and a great shape, and that is why I fell in love with her. 


Hopefully someday she will be comfortable with her shape and realize how sexy she is.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Thoughts on Bisexuality

It has been a while since I have had sex.  And I know I have alluded to it before but for some reason when I go a bit without release I tend to watch quite a bit of porn and sometimes stray to the gay side of things.


For some reason I like to watch anal penetration, the videos I seem to focus on are the ones that show the cock sliding in the ass and hopefully see the expression on the guys face.  I only watch the amateur videos, the more professional one's do nothing for me.


I also get turned on hearing stories of first time with another man.  My release is usually a lot larger when I am reading these types of stories or viewing these types of videos.


I have often thought about trying it out.  I think that I could possibly be bisexual or at least curious but I have never had the nerve to do it.


I also like to watch some of the pegging videos, especially where the women is fucking the man missionary and you can see the pain and pleasure in the guys face.  Even just thinking about it gets me hard.


During these times I check out the listings on craigslist and imagine myself answering one of the ads.  I think about how I would feel and I often end up feeling like I would not actually go through with it.  Mostly I am just nervous about meeting the wrong person or having someone find out that I have these feelings.


Mostly though I find that I am really not attracted at all to men.  I look around and think about how it would feel to be with various men that I see and think that I could never have sex with any of them.  I like looking at cocks but when I see the rest of the body I don't feel anything.


I read a story about being a lesbian and the female body, the softness and beauty of the female form.  Men are not soft.  In these situations facial hair turns me off.  Guys often have hardened features and I like the softer, and not necessarily the twinks.  Even they do not really do much for me.


Maybe it is just that I have not found someone that I am attracted to.  I do see good looking guys all the time but never see them as sexual partners.


So I do not pursue any of these fantasies.  Maybe some day I will be in a situation that somehow presents itself.  Maybe in a threesome with another couple, maybe with someone that wants to experiment like I do.  But until those days I think I will just stick with watching the porn and not acting on any of my bisexual feelings.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

3 AM

The other night I woke up at 3 AM.  It was quiet in our house but I could not sleep anymore.  I had to leave for work at 5:30 so I think that I woke up in anticipation of having to get up so early.


At 3 AM there is not much to do, especially since I canceled cable the other day in a fit of rage against my cable company.


Most nights at this hour I would sneak out to the couch and watch internet porn until I fall back asleep, with no internet, no television and no porn, (sort of), I was out of luck.  I sat and stared at the ceiling in my bedroom and thought about my life.


My life has been going reasonably well these past few months.  My relationship with my wife while always strained is much less strained at this point and we seem to get along.  My daughter seems to be doing well although she has that only child attitude.


The wife found a new job that is going to help her pay for her education, at least for the class she needs to complete a child care director's qualification.  They also are completely organic and that may help her eat healthy.


Not that I mind my wife getting heavy, but I know for her sake a lot of her health issues are a result of her weight gain.  So I am hoping that she will lose some weight while working this new job.


Of course my thought process is; she needs to lose some weight to be healthier, if she loses the weight she will feel better about her body, if she feels better about her body she will not be ashamed when she is naked, when she allows herself to be seen naked again she will want to be more intimate, if she wants to be more intimate we will have more sex... and who can blame me for thinking that.


Also I want to see her in yoga pants, which she will not wear right now because she thinks she is too heavy.


Let me say, I love the fact that yoga pants are worn all the time now.


Money wise we are doing well, finally building a savings again while still being able to pay off debt.  We are not to the point where we buy things that we need when we need them but we are getting there.  I still have to budget for the car repair that I need to do and hope that it does not break down before I get the money.  It will not cost all that much but I have to find the time and buy the parts to do it and that is really the issue.


We have some medical bills but we are paying them down as we go along slowly. 


My wife has been taking better care of herself, aside from the weight gain she is dressing better and every morning I watch her get dressed and wish we could have sex more often.


At 3 AM I think about all these things, and then my thoughts go to sex. 


I picture her climbing on top of me while I sit on the edge of the bed.  I feel her around my cock and look into her eyes as we begin to move into each other.  I watch her head tilt back and her eyes close and listen to her breathing. 


My cock gets hard under the covers and I turn to look at her, with her eye mask on and hear her snoring.  I think back to the days that at 3 AM I would wake her up and we would fuck and go right back to sleep and wish we could go back to that.


But I know she has to wake up early and she would be pissed at me for waking her up and it would be a long time before I could attempt to have sex with her again. 


Finally I put those thoughts out of my mind and try to go back to sleep. 

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Selfish

I feel like I am being selfish.

We received our tax returns for this year already and while they were not that great it still gives us a nice little bit of cash to spend on ourselves.

My idea is not a fun one, I plan on putting most of it into our savings account so we build up our emergency fund.  I stress about money a lot and I know I would relax quite a bit if I had some extra cash in our fund.

My wife has a different idea.  Since she has gained a bit of weight her wedding ring does not fit anymore.  So she was talking about getting it redone.

The problem is that it is not cheap to do.  It would take a portion of our tax return and while I would still be able to put money into our emergency fund it would give us nothing extra for anything else that would be fun.

Of course I think I made her mad because I mentioned that I wanted to spend the money on us and put most of it into our savings, but she sad she really wants to get this done.

She has not been wearing a wedding ring for several years and I think for her it might seem that since our relationship is drifting apart the symbolism of the ring means more to her.  Maybe its the last thing she is holding onto.  It could be she does not think she is whole in our relationship without it.

I don't know but I keep thinking it would be better to spend the money on something we all want.

Maybe that is just being selfish, or maybe she is being selfish.

Who knows maybe this will help get me laid.

So it could be a good thing.  I just wish it wasn't so damn expensive to get done.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Just A Little Update

Work has been overwhelming recently leaving me no time to do things that I enjoy.

But I feel that I still need to post here from time to time just so some of you know that I am still alive and kicking.

So here is an update of sorts:


  • Work is busy, they are consolidating our office and we still wondering if we will have jobs in six months.
  • Home life is stressful.  My wife was injured in our apartment complex and has trouble walking.  At first I was very good about helping her, but I think she is milking it a bit too much now.  I know it hurts but she still needs to try to get around on her own and not rely on me so much.
  • We have not had sex in quite some time. I think I posted it on here the last time we did so if you care to look you will know the exact date... in any event I can not remember it so it must be a while.
  • Valentines is coming and I know it will be stressful for her because she feels that she should have sex with me but does not want to.
  • I may be traveling again, and always while I travel I tend to think about straying.  Not sure I would but while I am out and about I think do consider it.
  • January and February are the hardest months for us financially... once that good old tax return comes things seem to get better and the summer is always a good time for us.  A lot of that has to do with my wife's employer not paying her vacation days and since she works in education the school is closed for several weeks.
  • I have been talking with several bloggers recently and really enjoying our conversations.  I am trying to branch out and find new ones, so if anyone has suggestions please feel free to comment here.  I did find one today and when I get to ready more I will post the link.
  • I have not been working out much but have not gained or lost weight in several months.  I am ready to start working out again but just have not had any time recently.
  • Been watching the Olympics but all they seem to be showing so far is figure skating, and while I don't mind watching it sometimes its too much.. maybe the next week of events will be a lot better.
That's pretty much my updates in brief.  Not much else is going on or rather I do not want to complain about anything else.  Mostly my life is pretty good, just need a little more sex in it.

Have a Happy Valentine's Day.