Thursday, May 29, 2014


The tornado sirens went off this weekend, as they went off we all went outside to see the funnel cloud forming.  There was no danger ultimately but we all wanted to see it first hand.  Probably not the smartest thing but that is what we do sometimes, we like to watch the train wreck as it happens.

Anyway, that was real, this is more metaphorical. 

My life has been a whirlwind recently.

As I probably already mentioned work has been nothing less than stressful.  I barely have enough time to compete the tasks before something else comes up and I have to work on that for a while.  I have not had a break mentally in quite some time.

It is not just that either.  Each week a new problem has presented itself.  Something I have never done before or an issue that I have never faced.  None of it is really bad, just unexpected.  This is for my life and my job.

I have approached each task in the same manner, thinking it will be over before I know it and then I can call it an accomplishment.

Things are basically happen so fast, maybe even too fast for me to respond.  I think that is good and bad.  The ride has to stop at some point but who knows when and where.

I think a lot hinges on the fact that my work is so busy that things I used to take care of during the day I have no time to do.  And home life is always busy so if I try to do it at home then it never gets done, so I have to cram it in at the moment that it comes along. 

I feel like a video game where things come at you and you have to react by either smashing whatever it is, grabbing it, or jumping over it.  The decision is instantaneous and hopefully you make the right one otherwise you lose.  Well so far I am winning and each level is getting more difficult.

I wonder if this is what life is like at 40 and everyone faces it and that is why some people have mid-life crises.

Don't get me wrong I am loving every minute of my life right now and I still find time to do things that I enjoy, but that is just it.  I am fitting in all these activities around all the others and for now I am getting away with it, but again who knows how long that will last.

Maybe I am just jaded because I have had things come crashing down before and maybe I should just enjoy the ride and not think about what could happen.

But there is something in the back of my mind that thinks if the tornado does hit how many pieces will I have to pick up?

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Body Modifications

As a person open to different types of relationships and sexual activities I am pretty liberal when it comes to a person's choice for their body.

But really what is with all the tattoos and body piercings these days. 

Going downtown recently I realized that being the one person without a tattoo or body piercing I was the one who was not normal.

I don't mind a few tattoos, in fact I like seeing a girl with nice tats but when your entire arm is covered and some look like prison ink I think that is too much.

Sitting by the pool yesterday I saw some tats I really liked and some women that I could not even figure out what they were trying to say with all the ink.

I know its a personal choice and I think that you are trying to express yourself but there seems to be a lot of bad ink.

Also, tongue piercings, ears, belly button, clitoral, nipples even the eyebrow piercings I can live with, but when you have a hole in your ear or if you have a hoop in your nose I can not sit there and talk with you on any level.

I just can't take anyone seriously when they have a hoop sticking out of their nostrils.  It makes you look like a bull and not a woman.  And a hoop on your lip, why would you do that?  Or the dreaded stud on your chin, I even saw a girl that had a point sticking out of her chin.  She was otherwise beautiful but again when I saw that I just would not be able to get past staring at her chin.

Why do people do these things to their body.

I sound like an old man, but really back in my day the only people that did this type of things were the punk rockers.  They even had shows about the body mod people on cable.  Now it seems that it is all too common.

Like I said I am pretty liberal when it comes to these types of things but sometimes a more subdued look is much better than have a tat sleeve.

Sorry, end of my rant.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Lets Talk About Sex

So my daughter is away on a school trip, leaving us with lots of alone time. 

I know that typically during this type of situation my wife seems to create all kinds of barriers between us so that I do not anticipate that being alone with her means I will have sex.

Knowing the situation before hand I usually try to tread carefully, although recently my wife went off of her birth control.  I realize that if you have been reading my blog that you would wonder why she even needs birth control since we rarely have sex.  Well it helps to control her emotions.  We realized at some point that if she has her period she becomes more depressed.

Anyway, she recently switched doctors and the new doc has not done anything about her birth control yet so she waited too long to receive her shot and now has to wait even longer so she can get a period.

Well that being said we have been discussing the birth control issue and along with that the sex.

So when my daughter left for the trip the conversation inevitably went to what to do while she was gone.  One of our other friends made the joke about having all the time alone and taking advantage of not having any kids in the house, hinting that we could have all the sex we wanted.

Well after that we talked about I and she mentioned that without birth control she did not want to have intercourse.  I said well I can use a condom or just ejaculate somewhere else.  She immediately said no way, I don't want to be covered in semen. 

So now I can add that to the ever growing list of things that she does not like about sex.  I asked her about how she felt when I came inside her and she said that is different.  It is easier to clean up.

I suggested using a towel or something else and she still insisted that we wait until she gets her shot again.

So last night after she complained about her day and having a massive headache I decided to at least invest in some intimate touching.  I had no intention of violating her wish of not having sex, I just thought she wanted a back massage and some simple touching.

Well I got behind her while she was checking email and started rubbing her back.  At some point she checked the messages from her doctor to see if they could get her in to get the shot for the birth control, so at least I know she was feeling a bit aroused.

I did not bring up sex during that time, although I am sure with me up against her back with an erection she felt my arousal. 

It is definitely the first step that we need to start reconnecting on the sexual level.  I am hoping that she ends up getting her shot soon so we can hopefully have sex again.  Although I know it will not happen before my daughter gets home since that is tomorrow.

While we were on the subject I did ask her about why she did not want to have sex all that much.  She told me it was a body image issue.  Since she gained a lot of weight she did not like the way I look at her during sex. 

Back to the post about the perception of sexy...

Personally I like to be on top watching her breasts bounce.  She told me she feels uncomfortable with her fat and said that maybe we could try with a shirt on.

Of course I did not complain, anything that will help us having sex again will be a good thing in my book.

I did suggest that we could do doggy with her wearing a shirt, and she agreed that would be okay.

So here is to hoping she gets her shot soon and that she will still want to have sex, fingers crossed.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Cock Pic

I sent a picture to a lady friend a few months back and when going through my old email with her I found the picture.

Of course it was a picture of me lying in bed with my hand on my cock.  It is not a very flattering picture since I was not fully erect so it does not show my full size.

Not that I am that big anyone, I have a somewhat average size penis in length and am a bit thicker than average.

I was thinking of posting it anonymously on a site that shows cocks, but was unsure of what type of response I would receive.  Not that I am self conscious about it but I have heard some of my fellow bloggers talk about cock pics they receive from time to time and they are amazed at how big some of them are.

Of course the opposite is true as well.  I have an addiction to amateur porn, and I can safely say that I am bigger than most of the guys that I see on those sites.  There are sometimes exceptions to that rule and those videos are interesting to say the least, but for the most part I am above average in size.

I have had girlfriends tell me that I was larger than most of the people they were with but maybe that was just to stroke my ego.

Anyway the picture ended up on my phone and I am bit worried.  The last time I put a picture on my phone it uploaded it to a website that I use to store some of my family pictures.  The last thing I would want to explain was why there was a picture of my cock on the internet, well at least having to explain that to my wife.

I have no shame in showing it to others.

Although if you were expecting by the title of this post that I would be putting it on the blog, well I will have to decide if I want to or not.

Friday, May 16, 2014

To be desired

Over the last few years, I have worked hard to make myself a better person.

I work out quite often.  I read lots of books and magazines.  I spend more time with my daughter and try to give my wife the attention that she deserves.

I have been working harder at my job.  Been trying to save some money for that rainy day and spending more time doing the things that I enjoy.

I would say life is going really well for me right now, and from the outside looking in you would probably say the same thing.

We bought a new car, have been traveling a bit more, and spending more time outside the apartment.

On the inside though I have been depressed and angry lately.

I snap quickly at small things at home.  I get anxious when the apartment is a little out of place.  I snap at my dogs when they do not understand what I am trying to make them do and overall I am a feeling very emotional.

In these times I tend to surf the internet more.  I look for things that I do not normally pursue when I am feeling good.  I think a lot of it comes down to me wanting to feel like I am wanted, desired.  I like compliments because I never receive any at home.

I want someone to say how good I look or how sexy I am or how they feel about me.

I do not need it that often.  I am happy with myself and the things that I do for me.  Every now and then I just want to feel wanted, not just loved, but lusted after.  I want to see the desire in the other person's eyes and feel what they feel.

I have felt it a few times in the past year with people I have met.  Of course it is never the right situation and they do not want to be with a married person.  And I still do not know if I am capable of cheating, but I like when someone looks at me with desire in their eyes.

I read on a blog that someone was complaining of being in a zombie marriage.  That is exactly what it is for me.  I feel that I leave my brains at the office and walk around the apartment not caring about anything anymore.

I am sure things will change again as they always do, but sometimes I wonder what else I can do to break free of this funk.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

A Chance Encounter

I typically take the back way to work.  One that takes me past the open space that begins in the foothills. 

It is a beautiful drive without much traffic at all.

One part of the drive takes me past the parking lot that leads to the hiking trails along the side of the hills.  It is a fairly well used area and usually has quite a few cars parked there.  Although in the morning there are only a few.

This morning I thought about an arrangement to meet there.  Maybe the beginning of a relationship, a rendezvous spot.  The lovers could drive their respective cars on the way to work in the morning and pull up along side.

One would get out and enter the others and they would play.

I wondered how many times that has happened at this particular area.  It is not all that remote but enough that you would not be noticed.  You would have to leave the parking lot in order to have real fun, but there are so many choices from there that it would be easy to use this as the meeting place.

I like to people watch and this place would be perfect to formulate stories to the pairs of drivers that show up there.  Of course not everyone would be meeting for a romantic tryst but a few might be.

This gets me wondering what it would be like to meet a lover here.

To have a woman enter my truck and we drive off together to find a more secluded spot.  A spot we could lose all inhibitions and have passionate wild sex.

And then I can drop her back off and we can go our respective ways to our own families and be left with the thoughts of our passionate day with no one being the wiser to our chance encounter.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Perception of what is sexy

I did not see the episode of Louie that a lot of people have been talking about lately but I have heard a lot about it.

It was the one where Louie is asked out by a larger girl and she has a speech about why people do not date fat girls.

Here is an excerpt from the speech if you have not seen the episode:
Tell anyone how bad it sucks because it’s too much for people. I mean, you? You can talk into the microphone and say you can’t get a date, you’re overweight. And it’s adorable. But if I say it, they call the suicide hotline on me. I mean, can I just say it? I’m fat. It sucks to be a fat girl. Can people just let me say it? It sucks. It really sucks. And I’m going to go ahead and say it. It’s your fault. Look – I really like you. You’re truly a good guy, I think — so, sorry. I’m picking you. On behalf of all the fat girls, I’m making you represent all the guys. Why do you hate us so much? What is it about the basics of human happiness – you know, feeling attractive, feeling loved, having guys chase after us – that’s just not in the cards for us? Nope, not for us. How is that fair? And why am I supposed to just accept it?
Of course when Louie tells her that she is really beautiful she replies:

Come on. If I was a “very really beautiful” then you would have said yes when I asked you out. I mean, come on, Louie, be honest here. You know what’s funny? I flirt with guys all the time. And I mean, the great looking ones, like the really high caliber studs? They flirt right back. No problem. Because they know their status will never be questioned. But guys like you never flirt with me because you get scared that maybe you should be with a girl like me. And why not?!
Guys have it easy.  They can get fat and old and still be considered handsome.  

Yes there are men that find bigger women sexy, like me.  But low self esteem is a hard thing to overcome especially when the perception of an attractive female is someone who is skinny.  Just look at all the critics of Kate Upton.

I have heard people complain that she is fat or has no shape or she needs to go on a diet or hit the gym.  She is absolutely gorgeous.  Why do we feel the need to have the most beautiful women be pretzel thin. 

My wife is sexy and I keep telling her that.  She was always a bigger girl, worked out quite a bit in the gym but was never pencil thin.  She had curves and a great shape, and that is why I fell in love with her. 

Hopefully someday she will be comfortable with her shape and realize how sexy she is.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Thoughts on Bisexuality

It has been a while since I have had sex.  And I know I have alluded to it before but for some reason when I go a bit without release I tend to watch quite a bit of porn and sometimes stray to the gay side of things.

For some reason I like to watch anal penetration, the videos I seem to focus on are the ones that show the cock sliding in the ass and hopefully see the expression on the guys face.  I only watch the amateur videos, the more professional one's do nothing for me.

I also get turned on hearing stories of first time with another man.  My release is usually a lot larger when I am reading these types of stories or viewing these types of videos.

I have often thought about trying it out.  I think that I could possibly be bisexual or at least curious but I have never had the nerve to do it.

I also like to watch some of the pegging videos, especially where the women is fucking the man missionary and you can see the pain and pleasure in the guys face.  Even just thinking about it gets me hard.

During these times I check out the listings on craigslist and imagine myself answering one of the ads.  I think about how I would feel and I often end up feeling like I would not actually go through with it.  Mostly I am just nervous about meeting the wrong person or having someone find out that I have these feelings.

Mostly though I find that I am really not attracted at all to men.  I look around and think about how it would feel to be with various men that I see and think that I could never have sex with any of them.  I like looking at cocks but when I see the rest of the body I don't feel anything.

I read a story about being a lesbian and the female body, the softness and beauty of the female form.  Men are not soft.  In these situations facial hair turns me off.  Guys often have hardened features and I like the softer, and not necessarily the twinks.  Even they do not really do much for me.

Maybe it is just that I have not found someone that I am attracted to.  I do see good looking guys all the time but never see them as sexual partners.

So I do not pursue any of these fantasies.  Maybe some day I will be in a situation that somehow presents itself.  Maybe in a threesome with another couple, maybe with someone that wants to experiment like I do.  But until those days I think I will just stick with watching the porn and not acting on any of my bisexual feelings.