Over the last few years, I have worked hard to make myself a better person.
I work out quite often. I read lots of books and magazines. I spend more time with my daughter and try to give my wife the attention that she deserves.
I have been working harder at my job. Been trying to save some money for that rainy day and spending more time doing the things that I enjoy.
I would say life is going really well for me right now, and from the outside looking in you would probably say the same thing.
We bought a new car, have been traveling a bit more, and spending more time outside the apartment.
On the inside though I have been depressed and angry lately.
I snap quickly at small things at home. I get anxious when the apartment is a little out of place. I snap at my dogs when they do not understand what I am trying to make them do and overall I am a feeling very emotional.
In these times I tend to surf the internet more. I look for things that I do not normally pursue when I am feeling good. I think a lot of it comes down to me wanting to feel like I am wanted, desired. I like compliments because I never receive any at home.
I want someone to say how good I look or how sexy I am or how they feel about me.
I do not need it that often. I am happy with myself and the things that I do for me. Every now and then I just want to feel wanted, not just loved, but lusted after. I want to see the desire in the other person's eyes and feel what they feel.
I have felt it a few times in the past year with people I have met. Of course it is never the right situation and they do not want to be with a married person. And I still do not know if I am capable of cheating, but I like when someone looks at me with desire in their eyes.
I read on a blog that someone was complaining of being in a zombie marriage. That is exactly what it is for me. I feel that I leave my brains at the office and walk around the apartment not caring about anything anymore.
I am sure things will change again as they always do, but sometimes I wonder what else I can do to break free of this funk.