Friday, March 13, 2015

New Underwear

So my wife went out and purchased some new bras the other day.  She was telling me about the conversation that she had with the salesperson and they let her know of some deals on some lingerie. She said that they were trying to push a matching set and she was telling them that her husband would definitely like that.

Now you have to understand my wife.  She has pretty much worn the same style of underwear for several years.  She bought a teddy once about 10 years ago that she would use to indicate when she wanted to have sex.

With her depression and other mental health issues she would find it hard to communicate her feelings with me so that was a way for her to open up.  Since those days I do not know if it even exists anymore.  I have not seen her wear it in about 8 years, maybe longer.

So much to my surprise when I was picking up the laundry from off of the floor of our bedroom and putting it into the basket I noticed a black thong.  It was not lace or anything, just a standard black thong.  I know she did buy some yoga pants and maybe that is what she was thinking when she bought those, but we talked about thongs years and years ago and she said she hated how they felt.

Which leads me to believe maybe she did buy them to get my interest.  I do not know.  I am not even sure if I should ask her about them.  I was thinking that I would playfully show them to her and see what her reaction is and then go from there.

I know the biggest issue she has has been her weight gain.  And while I tell her all the time that she looks great she has said that she does not feel good when we have sex because she feels bad that her fat moves around while we do it... as she said jiggly jiggly jiggly.

I also know that I have approached her about sex recently and she keeps putting it off and telling me she definitely is not ready to start trying again.

Maybe, this is a first step for her to start feeling sexy again, or maybe it is just a matter of comfort and looks for the yoga pants, I have no idea.  I just know that finding them had me hard this morning thinking about what she looked like wearing them.

Hopefully this weekend I can find out.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Repressed Sexual Society

43 year old man, 6'2" blue eyes brown hair, athletic build but not ripped, well adjusted, well groomed, successful and happy, seeking sex with anyone.

That would be my classified ad.  I am sure I would get all kinds of responses.  I am a good looking person on the inside and out.  I give back to society, I volunteer, I have only committed a handful of very minor crimes that probably 99 percent of society has also committed.

I am in a loving relationship, I take care of my daughter, I provide for my family, so why is it so hard to have sex when I want it?

I hear from a lot of people that once you get married the sex stops.  Why?  It is not like you do not love your partner anymore?  Was sex just a way of getting the person to marry you and now that you have succeeded you no longer need to do it?

The comments from my wife's side of the family all tell her that she should have sex with me because that is what a wife does for their husband, but really should it not be that she wants to have sex with me?

My wife has a problem with intimacy as I have mentioned on here before.  But I do not need intimacy, I need raw pulse pounding non-stop fucking.  The kind that leaves you breathless and exhausted, covered in sweat.  The kind that leaves you sore but happy and ready for even more despite the aches.  The kind that you grab the back of her hair and pound hard into her making the neighbors hear the bed hitting the wall.

I love my wife, but honestly having that type of sex does not need love.  Why make things difficult to the point where she does not want to have sex with me but does not want me to have sex at all.  It is not like I would leave her or love her any less.  I would just be able to let go of my sexual tension and probably would be a much happier person.

But in this situation I would be considered a cheater.  Is that because we live in a sexually repressed society.  One that we can not discuss sex without the thought of marriage.  Of course I am not talking about going out to craigslist and fucking the first person I meet.  It would be safe and consensual and mutual in the fact that it would not be a relationship.

We have discussed an open relationship in the past.  Discussed the idea and then it was brushed away like every other conversation we have about sex.  She went so far as to say she would allow it but when I brought it up again she dismissed it.

I am left now to my own devices, my internet porn, my chatting with women that are too far away for me to act out any of my fantasies but I can still imagine what it would be like.

Why does it have to be this way?  I am not religious, marriage is not a sacred institution.  I am devoted to my wife and family, just want a bit of action from time to time.  I want pure passion, uninhibited sex with someone that wants the same with me.  Is that too much to ask for?

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Attitude

This may be a rambling post so I am warning you now...

Where am I in my life, where am I ultimately heading. I have spent a lot of time on these questions over the past few months. Questions that I have no immediate answer to but need to come to some resolution in the next month or two.

My career, despite my effort, is in a decline. Predictors years ago were evident to this fact and while I was the one holding the sign of the impending doom, I was treated the same way as a mentally ill man on the street predicting the apocalypse. We all discussed the problems at length but no one in upper management seemed to listen to us workers. Economic indicators all said things will turn around, and they have, but in a different market than the one that we are in.

So three years ago when I kept saying we need to change markets, they kept saying it will get better. I hate to be the one that says I told you so, but in this case it is my future that is being affected.

Yes, I should have made all the plans to move on last year or even before that, but I kept thinking that maybe they were right and I was wrong, afterall they all make six figure salaries so they should know much more than I do about this.

Inevitably as I see all my coworkers slowly leaving the company, or in this case being let go or having their salary reduced to poverty levels, I think about why I am still sitting at this computer hoping for a turn around or some sort of realization on the part of management.

In the past few weeks I have been giving more work, more responsibility, more stress and have not seen a dime from any of it, all the while I do the work because if I don't I will be facing the same as my coworkers.  I am now a proposal manager, a project manager, business developer and all this in addition to being the IT supervisor for the office as well as anything else they can dump on me because they let the six other people that used to do these things go.

In a different industry or a different situation I would welcome all those things because it advances my career to where I should be right now, but having not seen any kind of raise in the past six years and the ultimately anguish of not knowing what tomorrow will bring leaves me stressed to the point where I mentally check out of work for periods of time.

It is to the point where I can not complain to my wife anymore because she is tired of hearing how the company has made poor decisions over the past six years and I have to suffer because of it.  Even though I knew the state of the economy long before any of the people that make the decisions seemed to know it. Either that or they just refused to make the necessary changes or maybe they did not know what to do and that is even worse.

I once was told that they were not interested in commercial work because there is too much risk involved in it. To me it is simple economics, we have to have work in order to have risk. If we refuse one line of work due to risk and the other line of work has not produced any new jobs in a decade, which is riskier?

To them it is simple risk analysis, if you do not have any work there is no risk to manage. Of course I joke about that but sometimes I wonder if that is really what they think.

So lately I have started thinking about my future. I have the attitude that I rarely give up on things that are failing, but to what consequence. If I have no power over whether or not this company fails in the long run, then what I am really working for.

The sad reality is that if/when I leave there will be a huge loss for the company. It is almost to the point where I hold together a lot of the work that we are doing, so my departure would be a huge blow to this division and could ultimately accelerate the decline to a point of no return. But on the other hand I have to think of myself. The company will not think of me when they are closing the doors.

These past few years have been some of the most successful in my career, especially after moving to a new location. I need to capitalize on those successes and find a company that will reward me for all that I have accomplished.

I finally need to accept that I can not change the attitude of the company I work for, but I can find a different company that fits my attitude and my future goals much better.