Sunday, February 28, 2016

On Sadness

I found out today that one of my old bosses passed away today from liver cancer.  She was I believe 58 years old, way too young to go. She was not just a boss but a mentor, someone that taught me quite a bit about life and working and remaining humble.

We all live with tragedy.  We all deal with loss, but it is through this loss that we learn about ourselves. That we can all become better people and hopefully teach what was taught to us during our brief interactions with each other.

Each tragedy I reflect on my life and try to figure out how to become better. I would like to look back on my life and hope that I impacted someone's life and they cherish their time spent with me. I want my life experiences to reflect on my actions, to not be a bad person, or treat someone with disrespect or to just not be a positive influence.

I have lived through quite a bit of tragedy, as have we all. I am sure we all have stories of people that have touched us over the years and how we lost them much too early.

I have now lost three of the most influential people in my life, my mom, my best friend from college, and now my old boss. I would like to say that I am feeling glad that I knew them but really fuck that, these people died much too early.

I leave you with something that I listen to when I am feeling depressed and a bit hopeless, this is just a small excerpt of the entire poem, so please look it up and enjoy.  Sometimes you just need something more and I am sure we all can relate.
You need something to open up a new door
To show you something you seen before
But overlooked a hundred times or more
You need something to open your eyes
You need something to make it known
That it's you and no one else that owns
That spot that yer standing, that space that you're sitting
That the world ain't got you beat
That it ain't got you licked
It can't get you crazy no matter how many
Times you might get kicked
You need something special all right
You need something special to give you hope


Bob Dylan - Last Thoughts on Woody Guthrie

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Timing

There are a few times in your life where you meet someone and once you get past that initial infatuation with the new experience things really start to click.

The conversation starts out flirty then transforms into intrigue and you want to continue talking with this person as long as you can.  There is a feeling of trust and of compassion, maybe it is because they are new and you want to share things with them but you find yourself sharing more than what you are used to. 

Intimate details of your life flow from your lips without regard to judgement.  I have always been an open person but there are some details of my life that I may share anonymously on the internet but shy away from face to face.

You begin to learn more about this person and everything they say you end up being more enamored. You feel like the boy on the first day of school when he realizes that the classmate he played with the year before has grown several inches and now is the most beautiful girl in school, and she is not interested in playing kickball or tag anymore. The summer was kind to those few.

Part of me feels like I am that boy, that maybe this person is unattainable, after all she is now more popular than ever, and that is why I am so infatuated, and part feels that had I met this person at a different time how my life would have changed.

As with every new relationship it is that discovery period that is so interesting.  Learning more about the person and understanding their passions. When you realize that their passions are the same as yours the intrigue deepens. 

Your mind is clouded with thoughts that you try to push away, after all you chose the life that you are in now and for the most part that cannot change.  But it becomes harder and harder to do so when you have those conversations that leave you insatiable.

Then you realize that you do not want it to be awkward, because you want this person to be part of your life even if it is just as a colleague.  You feel that if you made the mistake and pushed them away somehow you would miss their conversation and their company.  I have met a few people like that in my life and everyone of them is no longer part of it for various reasons.

It is through those connections that you begin to see the good in life again, there are people that can still make you feel that way.  There are those people that can inspire you to start writing again, and for that I am grateful.  Maybe it will never become what I think that I desire, but at the very least I can say I am happy to have met them.