I don't feel sorry for myself, I don't have any regrets, self-pity or sadness for my decisions, I have what I have and I am happy with it, for the most part.
It seems every so often I find myself at my keyboard trying to sift through the haze that has been my life recently and write something poignant. I often fail to come up with anything because I am never really sure where I am going when I start.
I write and rewrite the first sentence to the point that what I originally set out to write becomes a faded memory. I should be more consistent with my attempts and maybe then I will write something that resonates with not only me but the people that stumble upon it.
We all grow in life and sometimes we lose touch with what truly makes us happy. We are stuck in a job we hate, a relationship that is going nowhere, a city we want no part of and we focus on the negative when there is positive all around us.
I often forget how to live. I forget how to laugh and cry and feel my heart beat faster when something exciting happens. I forget who I am and what brought me to this place. Several times this week I have been reminded to stop worrying about the past and start living for the future. I have reminded myself several times that life is worth living, and living is life.
Last weekend on a spur of the moment I made plans to meet someone in a city a thousand miles away. Someone I had never met in life, and don't even know her real name. But I have felt such a connection to her that when I was about to press the button to buy the plane ticket my heart was beating so fast and so loud that I thought it could be heard in the next apartment.
It was all that I was focused on, all that I felt at the time, all that mattered. The excitement continued on both ends. We would text each other how much we wanted to meet and what we would do when we finally were able to for the first time. It was an energy that I have not felt in a long time. The combination of fear, adrenaline, expectations, and raw passion.
I realize now that I should have stepped back and thought things through better. Because in the moment I made several mistakes that would prevent the meet from happening and that is the tragedy of this. But I realized several things during this moment, things that will change my attitude towards my life once again. I realized that what I have here is not life, I am existing but not living.
What is it that we truly want in life? I am all about the adventures. The jumping on a plane to meet someone just for the hell of it, just because she makes me feel alive again. I think of how crazy that sounds and I shake my head but I also know that I would do it again in a heartbeat and not make the same mistakes. That is living, that is life. Not what we do everyday, it is the adventures that we have when we take a chance on something.
I will take the chance again, we have already started planning it. And this time it will be wonderful because the first time would have been. I was reminded by a good friend who I confided in, that really it is only life and we are only here for a short time. Clichéd I know, but really life is worth living.