Discovery

Recently I started to wonder why I was here. Not in a metaphysical sense but in a why was I posting my life on blogger?

We all need validation at some point in our lives. We all want to feel desired. I have written about that in the past and this is one of the main reasons we have affairs.

Of course there are those that get bored and just want variety, but we seek out what is missing in our lives and current relationship and when we find that we feel such a rush of emotions and passion it is a rush, like a drug. And in reality that is exactly what it is. Our brains sending out dopamine to bring us happiness and allow us that euphoria.

But why do I seek validation? Why do I need constant reassurance that I look good or that I am attractive or that I am great in bed? Maybe it was always because I was expected to be the best at everything that I did. My parents were never ones to praise me or tell me how great I was doing. They just expected it. Not that they weren't proud or they didn't show their affection, they just didn't see me in any other light.

These days we give out praise for everything which in the same way invalidates the reasons behind it and dilutes the feelings we have. We see this now in the constant amount of attention that some of our children need.

For the past few years I belonged to these kik groups. Groups that we would share pics and stories and in some cases meet, and it was intoxicating. I would share a recent pic of my body and the women would comment on how good I looked or how hot I was. I loved it. But I also realized that all I want from my wife is to feel the same way.

I would make comments to her about working out so much and getting in shape and feeling good about myself and she would just go don't let it go to your already large head.

And therein lies the problem, but it was not my issue, it was not that I needed to be validated that was the discovery I made. It was the fact that my wife is incapable of complimenting me because she is so insecure with herself that she can't. That my comments about trying to look good for her are just things for her to realize that she isn't as good looking as she once was, or that she is overweight or that she is getting older.

When I say none of that matters to me, and that she is still the beautiful girl that I married, she never believes it because she is so insecure with herself.

We have all been there before, maybe we look in the mirror and see a new wrinkle, or we gained some weight, or there is more gray in our beard. We feel our confidence falter. This past year I have made some major changes and I would say my confidence is at an all time high, but trying to understand what it feels like to be in my wife's situation is not easy.

At some point she will hopefully find herself again, find that beautiful woman that she once was and become more secure and confident. She is and always will be beautiful to me, I just wish she would be to herself.

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