On Reconnecting

The other day I was feeling pretty depressed and down about several things in my life. Some of which I will never mention to anyone else, demons that I have to work through myself and with the help of my therapist. 

I snapped at my daughter, snapped at my wife, telling them both that I was on edge and just needed to find a quiet corner to reflect in before I could be involved in any conversation they were having.

The reasons for this are mine alone. These stem from decisions I made over the past year and the consequences of my actions. I am hurt, I am depressed, I am stressed at both work and home and realized that it was my own doing and nothing that anyone else had caused.

And in that time of my worst emotions, my wife told me everything was going to be okay.

I almost broke down in tears, because I can never really tell her the reasons I was feeling the way I have been. It would just hurt her too much for me to say. But it was in that moment that I realized that no matter what I have done or what she has done we will get through all that life has thrown at us together.

It took me a long time to get over what had happened with us for the first 10 years of our marriage and I built up a wall to protect me when things got bad again. I never wanted to feel the vulnerability and depression I did when dealing with her mental illness, but now I realize that in order for me to feel whole again I need to allow myself to feel the emotions I once felt for her.

Over the past year I have been distant. I have focused on my life, my career, my happiness and when something happened that changed that I had no one else to turn to but my wife and she was there for me when I needed it most.

So I will allow myself to reconnect. To open back up to her and hope that we will never go down that dark road again, but if we do we do it together. I know I can open myself up to another person and feel what I have felt again, and I know that I can do the same with my wife. 

We had sex yesterday, it was fast and there was no foreplay or any other type of play but it was the first time we actually sat naked and talked again. Of course I want more from it but if I take it slowly maybe it will get better.

After we went for a long walk and talked about life and sex and my issues. The fact that stress has given me slight ED. And we talked about taking it slow and trying to work on our intimacy first. I know we can reconnect at some point, but it will take some time and effort on both our sides. I know that I need to open myself back up again and feel what I felt for her when I first saw her in that hallway.

Here is to hoping that it will all work out. I don't want to start over at 46, I don't want to leave my family or my daughter to have to deal with that heartbreak again.