Posts

On Reconnecting

The other day I was feeling pretty depressed and down about several things in my life. Some of which I will never mention to anyone else, demons that I have to work through myself and with the help of my therapist. 
I snapped at my daughter, snapped at my wife, telling them both that I was on edge and just needed to find a quiet corner to reflect in before I could be involved in any conversation they were having.
The reasons for this are mine alone. These stem from decisions I made over the past year and the consequences of my actions. I am hurt, I am depressed, I am stressed at both work and home and realized that it was my own doing and nothing that anyone else had caused.
And in that time of my worst emotions, my wife told me everything was going to be okay.
I almost broke down in tears, because I can never really tell her the reasons I was feeling the way I have been. It would just hurt her too much for me to say. But it was in that moment that I realized that no matter what I hav…

Discovery

Recently I started to wonder why I was here. Not in a metaphysical sense but in a why was I posting my life on blogger?

We all need validation at some point in our lives. We all want to feel desired. I have written about that in the past and this is one of the main reasons we have affairs.

Of course there are those that get bored and just want variety, but we seek out what is missing in our lives and current relationship and when we find that we feel such a rush of emotions and passion it is a rush, like a drug. And in reality that is exactly what it is. Our brains sending out dopamine to bring us happiness and allow us that euphoria.

But why do I seek validation? Why do I need constant reassurance that I look good or that I am attractive or that I am great in bed? Maybe it was always because I was expected to be the best at everything that I did. My parents were never ones to praise me or tell me how great I was doing. They just expected it. Not that they weren't proud or they di…

The Old Guard

The realization that I have not written anything of substance in the past year has been weighing on me recently.

I have been preoccupied to say the least but not without adventure.

A few months ago I started seeing a therapist. I was thinking I needed a life-coach but don't put much weight into that concept. I am not depressed or anxious. I just need focus and direction.

There have been a lot of things that I have been questioning over the past few years. I have also been so incredibly busy that I almost need to cut back on some of the things that I have volunteered for.

In an effort to regain focus or at least try to center my life again I decided to revisit the blog. Something that I have been wanting to do for the past few months, but have had limited success. Part of revisiting has led me to look at some of the people, influences, and friends that I have had over the last 10 years and have been thinking of trying to reconnect with them.

The old guard as I affectionately refer …

If

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your tu…

On Being Desired

What is that we look for in a relationship; passion, romance, good sex, stability, friendships, common interests? Unfortunately it seems the latter is all that we have left after many years with the same person.

We read online how to rekindle the relationship. There are volumes of books on the subject and just as many movies that address it. But how do you really find that passion again.

Recently I was introduced to an online world where people talk about their lives and love and romance and sex. We share pictures and stories of our marriages and sometimes we flirt individual, making arrangements to meet.

Right before I turned 40 I was at a low point in my life, as many of you know reading the blog. My marriage was on the rocks, my life was in turmoil and I was heavier than I had been in years. But I decided to focus on myself and get in shape. I ate right, I worked out, I ran 20+ miles a week.

I also started writing on this blog. I discovered people in similar situations and found t…

Life is Worth Living

I don't feel sorry for myself, I don't have any regrets, self-pity or sadness for my decisions, I have what I have and I am happy with it, for the most part.

It seems every so often I find myself at my keyboard trying to sift through the haze that has been my life recently and write something poignant. I often fail to come up with anything because I am never really sure where I am going when I start.

I write and rewrite the first sentence to the point that what I originally set out to write becomes a faded memory. I should be more consistent with my attempts and maybe then I will write something that resonates with not only me but the people that stumble upon it.

We all grow in life and sometimes we lose touch with what truly makes us happy. We are stuck in a job we hate, a relationship that is going nowhere, a city we want no part of and we focus on the negative when there is positive all around us.

I often forget how to live. I forget how to laugh and cry and feel my heart b…

Mama, You Been on My Mind

Image
Maybe, it's the color of the sun cut flat
And coverin' the crossroads I'm standing at
Maybe it's the weather or something like that
But mama, you been on my mind
I don't mean trouble, please don't put me down, don't get upset
I am not pleadin' or sayin', "I can't forget you"
I do not walk the floor bowed down an' bent, but yet
Mama, you just on my mind
Even though my mind is hazy an' my thoughts they might be narrow
Where you been don't bother me or bring me down in sorrow
It don't even matter, where you're wakin' up tomorrow
Mama, you just on my mind
When you wake up in the mornin', baby, look inside your mirror
You know I won't be next to you, you know I won't be near
I'd just be curious to know if you can see yourself as clear
As someone who has had you on his mind
-Bob Dylan
One of my favorite Bob Dylan songs. Such an incredible melody and really heartfelt.
If you want to hear my favorite ve…