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What a Whirlwind

A friend popped up again recently and talking with her reminded me of how I have neglected this blog and all the friends that I had made writing here. 

I actually have been writing on a different blog with my real name, but being anonymous and talking about sex is so much more fun.

So I may try to continue where I left off and see what happens.

Needless to say this year has been a bit crazy. From traveling the world to not leaving the house for seven months it has been a whirlwind to say the least. 

The wife and I have decided that maybe it is time to move on. We have technically separated but with everything going on we still live together. Not the best situation but we still get along, just have no intimacy.

So what now?

Well I have been saving money, investing, getting in better shape and taking classes for an MBA. It is time to start doing things for myself.

If you have followed my blog I always gave up most of life to be a caregiver and these days I just can't continue. Part of that is because I saw a glimpse of what a normal relationship would look like and part of it is that I am just tired of living this type of life.

It is a hard decision and not one I am completely sure about. Some days I think things are great and I will be happy, and other days I can't help but feel that I am abandoning my wife. 

I know it is not so black and white and that I have done so much for this relationship over the years and this is the time to think about what I want in my life. 

The breaking point came a few years ago. I had an affair and fell in love with the idea of the relationship and when that finally ended I tried to put all my effort into my marriage. I became depressed. I realize now at the time that I was suicidal. I knew I would not take my own life but there were times where I was fearful of heights.

At the time I had no idea what that really meant but through therapy I realized what was happening.

I also really put in an effort. I spent more time with my wife, planned vacations, opened up as much communication as possible and was always met with resistance. 

She did not want to go on vacations, she would resist everything that I tried and we never could reconnect. Then she went back to her old ways and ended up attempting suicide again. I realized that I just can't continue this way. I want more from my life. I realize she will never change.

And that was where I decided to not care anymore. To work on myself and my life and my daughters. To put all of my effort into becoming a better person and helping my daughter get there as well. And we grew apart. 

Which has led me to now and the fact that we are facing divorce.

I have no idea what it will look like on the other side. I know that I will keep improving myself. I will keep working on the relationship with my daughter and just hope that we can move forward.

I am looking forward to writing again, and maybe even reconnecting with old friends. Also hopefully making new friends. I do hope to write about sex, although sadly to say, it has been a while for me.

Thanks for reading... - Jack


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