Blue Eyed Bader

Let me start by saying I am from New Jersey, yes I know that says a lot. But I am not your typical Jersey boy in all aspects, a few, but not all. I also want to point out that I have never even seen one episode of The Jersey Shore, although from what people have said, I definitely have seen those types of people at the Jersey Shore. Actually I think I went to high school with people like that. But that is not what I am writing about anyway. While I can be at times, a gourmet chef, my favorite food to cook is pizza. Ever since I can remember my family has been making pizza, and no we are not Italian, Irish and English mostly, pizza was always a staple in our dinner menu. When I was younger I would not even eat my Mom's pizza, settling for hot dogs on those days. But as I grew up, the brothers would all fight for how many slices we could eat. The last few years of college I started making the pizza myself. From the oil stained recipe my mom gave me I would make it for all m

The phone call came just as my wife was walking in the door. Our daughter wanted to eat dinner at her friends house. My wife was thinking that would give us an opportunity to go to the grocery store, I was thinking otherwise. We had just spent the past few weeks without any time alone and while in the past that did not mean much this time our relationship was going really well. So I said coyly, that we had time to ourselves and we should take advantage of it. Her reply of course was to ask me what I had in mind. I did not need to explain anymore than that and this time she actually agreed. Normally she puts up a little fight until I give up, but as soon as she said okay I felt my cock start to grow. Quickly we cleared off the bed of the clothes that we had started to unpack from our trip to Georgia and we both laid down next to each other. "Are we just going to get naked and have sex or should we do a little foreplay?" I asked. Normally I just go for the foreplay but t

I woke up this morning thinking that I would post something fun that happened to me in the last week, which I will soon. However, I was surprised and saddened to see that HNT is ending. I found this out by checking out my favorite HNT blogger Emmy  posted a final picture. I started this blog as a way to express my feelings and sexuality and found an incredible community. HNT allowed me to expose myself without actually revealing everything about me. In one way it was helping me to feel desired, in another it was helping to come out of my shell. Unfortunately I did not get to completely explore all the different artistic opportunities that HNT allowed, but I did have fun for the past year. I owe a lot to the people that helped me along the way including Osbasso and his HNT Posts. So I end my HNT where I began, a self shot in the mirror. Although it is a different mirror, and a lot more revealing than the first, it is a similar shot that was my first. I also decided to post a fe

I don't hate Christmas, I just think that its a little overplayed. I am not a grinch when it comes to Christmas, I just get tired of every last commercial reminding me that it is Christmas time.  From the weeks leading up to Thanksgiving to the week after Christmas I always feel a little depressed. It starts with my birthday, and ends New Year's Day. I think the main thing that concerns me is money. Despite not having any we still try to buy gifts for everyone in our family and with a growing family it slowly becomes quite a lot of people. Mostly on my wife's side.  We set a budget this year and while we tried to stick to it, it never actually works that way, and our budget is small. Part of the problem this year is that my wife's brother has been furloughed and his wife does not work and they have several small kids including one with special needs. So after talking with him and her realizing that the kids were not going to get much for Christmas it has compelled

Breathing in, I calm body and mind. Breathing out, I smile. Dwelling in the present moment I know this is the only moment.                                -Thich Nhat Hanh I feel pretty emotional right now. Not in a bad way, just in an emotional way. Was watching some clips of an old program that I used to watch when I was younger and it brought back a flood of memories. So I spent some time going through music that I used to listen too and now I am thinking that I need to revisit some of my roots. Maybe a weekend of nostalgia or something like that. I know I can not relive the memories but having some of the old music and videos around will at least make me think about them again. I do find myself saying quite often that they don't make music like they used to or they don't make movies like they used to. Don't get me wrong there is a lot of good music out there now, even more so then the early 2000s. We are finally seeing some good bands come out instead of the s

In light of all these reports on child sexual abuse, I want to share something from my past that very few people know about. I am not even sure if I have ever told my wife about this, but this is a good opportunity to talk about it. Warning to those readers, this story talks essentially about child rape, so if its a sensitive issue for you please do not read any further. The details of what happened are very vague, it only happened once and it happened so quickly I can not remember everything. I believe I was in the fourth grade, I am trying to date some of the other things that happened at the time so I can remember exactly how old I was. We were playing with some friends over my neighbors house. The usually things a fourth grader would be doing, hide and seek, man hunt etc. There was an older boy that had been wandering around and watching us from the street. We just started to play another round of man hunt and I was the one that was it. So everyone ran and I closed my eyes.

Well today is my birthday.  Yes, believe it or not, I turn 40 today. I don't feel 40. I have been working very hard to get to where I am physically and mentally. Over the past few years I have changed a lot of my life to get to 40 feeling much better than I did at 20 and I think I accomplished that. The only thing that I get a little disappointed in is that I wish I was further along in my career. I see my friends from college and they are all completely successful, have great jobs and careers and are financially stable. However, I still struggle everyday. While I enjoy my career and I have a good job, I feel like I should be further up the ranks. The difference is that I decided to enjoy my life right after college. Made some choices that may not have been the best career choices but choices that I do not regret at all. Lets see. The year after college I moved out to California to become a lift operator at Squaw Valley. I skied everyday during the winter and went to the

Will you rub my back she said as I walked into the room getting ready for bed. As tired as I was I was not up to it but decided to be the good sport and help her out. It had been a long day for all of us and we all needed a little relaxation. So I started rubbing her back over her shirt, half-assed hoping that she would just say forget it and let me get to sleep. But for some reason I was not feeling all that tired and started to feel a bit horny. Of course it does not take me long to get hard but I was trying to not turn this into anything sexual since most of the time if I push too fast she backs away. I went on rubbing, this time a little better and more concentrated on her neck and shoulders. My hands began to pull her shirt slowly off the small of her back and I moved them under the fabric. I heard her say, "don't get any ideas," but I was being very careful and just continued to massage. My hands explored her back as I pulled her shirt up more and this ti

My life feels like it is upside down right now. It is not a bad thing, but there is a lot of uncertainty with my job and where we live. We may be moving with the company but when and where is completely up in the air and we will not know until after the holidays. I am not complaining. I want to move, but it would be nice to know where I am going, and recently we found out that we may be staying longer with a new contract doing the same job that I was doing for the last seven years. Change is coming, and I am ready for it. I just want to have a better idea of how much is really going to change. Anyway, this is probably one of my favorite HNT pictures so far. I had fun trying to figure out how to take the picture without falling over. I have some outtakes that I will put in a new post. I hope you enjoy the picture, there will be more to come in the next few weeks. Happy HNT, visit Os  to see who else is participating on this wonderful Thursday.

So our mean alcoholic neighbor who has threatened to call the police on my 9 year old for just being a kid and drives too fast through our neighborhood even when the kids are outside cut the corner too fast and nearly hit me. I looked directly at her and called her a bitch as she tried to correct her turn so she would not clip my bumper. Our windows were basically right next to each other when I said that so I know she heard me, but that was my intention. Then I heard, "Daddy," from my back seat. "That was not nice," my daughter said. I replied, I know but that was the mean lady and she deserves it. My daughter said, "No Daddy, she is just misunderstood." I was surprised that she would even say that since she has been yelled at for playing in the street in front of her house, which just happens to be at the end of a cul de sac... riding her back, I mean where the hell is she supposed to ride her damn bike. She said that our other neighbor t

So I sort of cheated a little bit... I only had the post its that my company gave me and they did not stick very well, so instead of writing on the post its I added the text afterword. Anyway, if you can not read the text it says, "this is the most daring I have been on HNT." Which is true I have never revealed as much skin from the front as I have today. Hope you like it... and no those are not real spiders, haha. Have a Happy HNT, and visit  Os's page  for more HNT participants this week... maybe now that I am getting more daring I may have to post something at  the other HNT  sometime in the near future.

Well its been so long since I posted one and was planning on doing it actually on Thursday but better late than never. So here is a half nekkid thursday picture on sunday (HNToS) I may start participating in these pictures again, I have a few good ideas that I need to explore. Since I now work from home I can get a lot more clever with the pictures. Maybe even take a few in the backyard, who knows. Hope everyone had a good HNT on Thursday. This of course is a picture of my new facial hair. Not sure how much I like it or what I am going to do about it but for now I am keeping it. I trimmed it the other day but I may let it grow out a little more and groom it with my nice trimmers. Of course I have been grooming some other areas of my body too.

I have a confession to make. More like a realization that I have come to terms with. Before starting this blog, I was looking for some sort of outlet for my desires. I thought that with all the issues that I have been having with my marriage that maybe an affair would be what I wanted, although I could never bring myself to cheat. And that is the realization that I had. No matter what I do online, searching for porn, posting the Ashley Madison ad, browsing Craigslist, it is no more then curiosity and maybe trying to make myself feel good. What my relationship is lacking mainly is the lack of compliments from my spouse, and good sex, but that is a different post. My wife has low self esteem and she feels that if she is complimenting me that she will feel bad herself. I spent the last two years getting in shape, not because I want a compliment but it helps to have her acknowledge that I look good. That is what drives me to peruse the online ads and think about some sort of affair.

I had the feeling that she wanted to talk. That she was wondering what our future held for our family. My job has been talking about moving me out to Colorado since our contract ended a few months back. I have a few major projects to work on before they make a decision but for now I work from home. The issue is that things are moving forward with my career yet there are a lot of decisions the company has to make before everything can happen. Things like cost of relocation, pay rate increase for cost of living, whether the move will be the right step for both the company and myself. So it is not a decision that will be taken lightly. And of course my family is somewhat in limbo. We all want to make the move, we never did like the south all that much and its way too hot for my taste. I always preferred the snow anyway so it makes sense to move again. That night though all I wanted to do was sleep. My allergies were acting up and I had taken a bunch of medicine. I tried to talk to

So after the long hiatus I have to ease back into this writing thing. I find that I have so many ideas but not really one in particular that I am wanting to write about. If only I could free form something that was interesting and not merely a ramble I would be happy. Anyway, to catch everyone up to speed in my life, I started a new phase of my career. I am now working from home until things change a bit and I plan to move out west again. I miss the mountains and the snow and am not happy about the heat where I live now. Financially it is going to be tough but I dont think I have much of choice with my job. I do think they will pay for the move but it has not come up yet. I am traveling more, which is nice but it is hard to be away from home. I think it is helping our relationship with me being away since we seem to be drawn closer together. The only thing lacking in our relationship right now is sex. My wife has gained quite a bit of weight because of various medications and

My last post was 5 weeks ago and before that was even a longer dry spell... not sure why I have not been posting much these days since it is no longer because of a job. I have lots to tell and I have not been a very good blogger. I am now sitting in a hotel room in Northern California, I am here for work not pleasure, and writing this from my somewhat comfortable bed. So not much has really changed other then we may be moving soon, back across country, back to the snow and the nicer weather... away from the heat. From today until my trip ends I will try to post something every night, since I have a lot of down time. If you all are still there I appreciate that you are and am sorry that I have not been very good at keeping you up to date or even very good at being up to date on the things in all of your lives. Anyway, I dont have any excuses from this point forward... so here goes.

So, where was I? A lot has happened since the last time I wrote something. Some good some bad, but mostly just stuff. I stopped posting for one main reason, I was going for a job that there was a possibility if they found the connection to my real life persona I would not pass the security requirements. That is stupid but I decided not to take the chance. So I took a break, not that I really wanted to, but it was necessary. I missed a lot of what was going on, and I missed the writing part of things. To catch you up on some things: Took a great vacation over Memorial Day. My current contract finished and now I am starting a new one. I uttered the words divorce during a heated argument but did not really mean it. Then a few days later we had sex for the first time in many months. Most of our arguments are about money. Things are good, but stressful. My wife is now out of state visiting her gravely ill mother. The home life is hectic, but I manage well enough. Stess =

It has been two years since my Mom's death, and I still miss her. She was the one that I would call when I needed advice. She was the one that I called when I just wanted to talk. She made sure she called me at least once a week.   She would remind me when the clocks were changing for daylight savings even if I already knew that they were. It was just a fun reason for her to call. She never forgot anyones birthdays or anniversaries or any other celebrations. She cared more for her children then she did for herself at times. Her kids meant everything to her.   Even when my parents were struggling financially she still stayed home with us because she knew that a strong foundation for her kids was more important then affording a new car or new furniture. When my parents had more money she spent it on clothes and food for us rather then buying things for her. She made sure that we were dressed in the best clothes that she could buy and even when my daughter was born she would buy

Sunday night, I was watching television, my wife was doing payroll for a volunteer job she helps with, or should I say puts more time in then her regular job, and my daughter was painting her toenails.   I had already completed the choirs for the weekend and was relaxing before settling in for the night. My wife had been stressing about the payroll all day and was working pretty hard still as bedtime was approaching. So when my daughter asked if she could help paint her nails she told her she would have to wait.   Well patiences is not something done well in my household so after about ten minutes of waiting she asked again and the comment was made...   "Why dont you ask daddy to help you,"   I raised my eyebrow and glanced up from the book I was now reading and give a quick laugh, "Ha. Like you would really want me to to do that."   My beautiful daughter looked over at me with her bright blue eyes and said, "please daddy." To which I could not

Sometimes I think my life is pretty boring. I see others having good times with friends, going out, enjoying happy hour and other social events and I wonder why I am not with them.   Right now my life consists of work, family and coaching. We really do not have the money nor the time to go to happy hour or go to parties or spend all that much time with friends. Sometimes I blame it on where we live. I have always been somewhat of a home body, most of my social events would occur at my friends houses or at ours. We would have dinner and then hang around and talk about life over some alcohol.   So I often wonder what happened. Of course I conclude as I am sure most others do when approaching their 40s that we have all just became older. It is not so much as we do not want to do it, it is more that we have all settled down and had children. Not only do we have little people that need lots of sleep, we seem to need more sleep as well.   Occassionally we have parties, oyster roasts,

I am an ass man as it came up in an email conversation that I had with a fellow blogger. She is an ass woman so per her request I am posting this picture. I have a few others that I took and am thinking about doing a little theme, basically naked yoga poses. But they will probably have to wait until next week. Hope you like the picture and Happy HNT! As always visit Os to see who else is participating.

While many of you see that I am not as active on the blog as I have been in the past, I will attempt to explain what is going on.   Of course part of the reason is that I am in the middle of my sports season, which I am a coach for a varsity sports program. The season lasts from January through the middle of May. I basically spend most of my time either at practice or games during this period.   But mainly the reason behind my absense is that I have found it difficult to post when I have the time to post. I work for the government. In a job that requires firewalls, restricted sites, restricted access to computer applications, therefore I have a very limited time that I can post. Before I was able to access the network from my computer and would post and comment. Now I am restricted on what I can view and comment on.   I have found a way to post while I am at work, but do not have a way to comment. My season is winding down too so I hope to have more time in the evenings to spen

It seems in each of the past three years I have had to deal with some major health concerns involving cancer. The first situation was my mom dying of endometrial cancer. The second was my good friend dying from a brain tumor and now about a year and three months after my friends death I have to deal with another close friend and his fight.   Let me first say, I am optimistic about this friend. He is a fighter, he is young and he has a strong family and group of friends. He also has been diagnosed with a form of cancer that seems to be very treatable, Hodgkin's Lymphoma.   About a week ago, he called me up to tell me the news. I could hear in his voice that he was nervous and that he still had a lot of tests to confirm what the doctors first thought. A few days later his fears were confirmed when they told him that he had a growth the size of a softball near his heart and that he most likely had Hodgkin's Lymphoma. The prognosis for HL is very good. The survival rate is

"Megan has a fireman's pole in her living room," my daughter said at the dinner table last night. "It is really fun to play on."   "You should see what Heather can do on it," she added. "She can run up to it, climb to the top, lock her legs around it and swing around."   My wife and I looked at each other and smiled.   "She called it a dancing pole," my wife said but we both laughed at that. Henry, her husband, installed it a few weeks ago but my daughter has not been over to her house since.   We both knew that the mom worked at a strip club because my daughters karate teacher is a bouncer at the club and she mentioned she knew him from work. Mind you I would say gentlemen's club but this place is pretty seedy and definitely in a very seedy part of town.   I was under the impression, originally though, that the mom was an administrative person in the club, either manager or some other office staff because she works a

Well I pretty much met my goal weight, 204. So now I just want to tone a little more... what do you all think? My personal opinion, I want to work on my shoulders and arms a bit more but I am happy with the overall appearance...

"Jeff thinks the issue with my libido is early onset menopause," was the text I received while was traveling to my next game. Jeff is my wife's wonderful therapist, who she sees pretty much every other week. I replied "you're too young for that, but does that mean you are still horny?" My brain is always in the right state of mind.   "Maybe..." was all that I got back and of course I told her I would be home as soon as I can. Not that I was desperate or anything, our last time was actually a week ago but it was brief and on a Sunday night, and was the first in almost a year. So I was looking forward to a Saturday night home alone with my wife.   Our game did not end until 5 and it was over a 2 hour drive from my home but of course I made it back in record time. We decided to eat in and watch a movie that she had rented the night before. We sat on the couch with her legs resting over my lap and my hand caressing her thighs. We both knew what w

The lights were off in the bedroom as I walked in. She was laying there on the bed in the fetal position much like she always does when she is upset about something.   We had a fight, not much of one in our standards but it was still something that we disagreed about. She was still upset that I did not know that her actions were actually flirting and she wanted to have sex. She now thinks that I am no longer attracted to her, but that is not really what the fight was about.   We talked a few weeks ago about divorce, but neither of us really want that to happen and that is why we talked about it. It was more of whether it would happen or what the alternatives were to making the relationship work. This is where the disagreement lies. She thinks that much of what happens in our relationship is my fault. Not in the sense that I cause the problems but more in the sense that I am not willing to try to address the issues we have. I feel that she has to start feeling better about herself

At some point in everyone's life we are moved by something. Moved to the point where we become obsessed with the object, whether it is music, literature, a painting etc. We feel for an instance that whatever this object is it speaks directly to me. For me that object or obsession is John Coltrane, A Love Supreme. I first heard the record in college, when I really had no idea what Jazz was and quickly became intrigued. It was this album that inspired me to go head first into Jazz and spend the next few years persuading others to follow. It is also this album that I turn to in trying times and it helps me get my head around things. At first I tend to lose myself in the saxophone solos, then the amazing piano playing brings me back to reality and sends chills through my spine. I know it sounds a little cliched but I feel alive when I listen to this, so when I am most depressed this makes me realize what I cherish in life. It is said that Coltrane would meditate during his solos.

I know it has been a while since I posted, and I have pretty much used every excuse as to why but I think it is time to move forward and not worry about the past few months. So here is a new post. A few weeks ago I started my busy season. I coach a high school sports team and my season starts in January and goes through May. Pretty much during these months all my free time is taking up with the team and the players. My wife knows this but still gets pretty upset that I am not here. Starting this season off has been worse because of the relationship problems we have. I have covered some of it earlier but for a refresher, my wife is depressed. What makes this worse is she hates everything about our current life, our house, our financial situation, where we live and they fact that she has no friends here. I do not have a lot of friends here either. I left some of my best friends where we previously lived, but have yet to find some here that we really have a lot in common with. Altho

So I am not sure what I should be thinking about: What is making me so unhappy or What I can do to fix it... I told you earlier that I am stuck in a rut... whether it is the winter months or just being unhappy, I have not been able to reconnect with much of the things that were making me happy earlier. Even the things that made me happy last year have had no impact on my mood this year. I really have no idea what is making me so unhappy, it seems to be a combination of things, things much too numerous to list here which is sad in its own right. This year overall has been good and I have been happy for much of it but even then my relationship with my wife has been failing. She says that we are changing and that neither wants to adapt to the change and maybe that is true, but I think a lot of it falls on where we live and what we have here. We used to live in an area where we would spend most of our time in the outdoors, hiking, biking, skiing, camping,  fishing, etc... now

The holidays are always a rough time for me. Especially the last few years. Last year I lost a very good friend in January and the year before my mom was very sick over the holidays and ultimately passed on in March. But that is only a small part of what really bothers me about the holidays. I thought this year was going to be a better one, because it was the first that I did not have to work a second job. Although we are still struggling financially like almost everyone I know we have been able to keep our budget in check and have made it through without having to rely on extra income. But of course things were the same as always. It starts in November on my birthday and pretty much lasts through January. This year I was extremely busy with other aspects of my life and had a harder time finding peace and quiet for myself. My job was crazy, my computer work was non-stop and my family was pulling me every which way possible. It did not help that we ended up adding three new stray