What Happiness Means to Me
The lights were off in the bedroom as I walked in. She was laying there on the bed in the fetal position much like she always does when she is upset about something.
We had a fight, not much of one in our standards but it was still something that we disagreed about. She was still upset that I did not know that her actions were actually flirting and she wanted to have sex. She now thinks that I am no longer attracted to her, but that is not really what the fight was about.
We talked a few weeks ago about divorce, but neither of us really want that to happen and that is why we talked about it. It was more of whether it would happen or what the alternatives were to making the relationship work. This is where the disagreement lies. She thinks that much of what happens in our relationship is my fault. Not in the sense that I cause the problems but more in the sense that I am not willing to try to address the issues we have. I feel that she has to start feeling better about herself before our relationship will get any better.
"I already know what I want," were her words to me when we started talking about the fight in the bedroom. "You need to figure out why you act the way you do." She said.
"I've just been so unhappy with everything," I replied to her. Is that actually true? I was trying to think about all that has been going on lately and there are few things that I have been happy about. Even what has made me happy in the past really does not do much for me now. Am I feeling the depression from the winter still? Or am I really unhappy with things?
So I started to think about all the things that make me happy and what I have left in my life here, and am realizing that much of those things are gone.
Can I find happiness with other things, or will I be just going through the motions?
I have alluded to some of the issues in the past on this blog, and a lot of it comes from the fact that I do not have many friends here. I have a few that I consider friends but few like the ones I left out west where we used to live.
We are going to an oyster roast this weekend to help one of the local pet shelters in the area and we are both looking forward to that. We may actually be childless which would even make it better. I am not expecting to make any new friends at this event but just being social will be a nice thing.
It is also her birthday next week and we always seem to have a nice time for birthdays, so we shall see.
The conversation ended with us agreeing to try to figure things out. Me with trying to find happiness and her agreeing to help out more around the house, which will relieve much of the stress that I feel coming into a messy cluttered house.
That was a few weeks ago and things seem to be a bit better... at least we had sex again but that is for a different post.