Blue Eyed Bader

The other day I was feeling pretty depressed and down about several things in my life. Some of which I will never mention to anyone else, demons that I have to work through myself and with the help of my therapist.  I snapped at my daughter, snapped at my wife, telling them both that I was on edge and just needed to find a quiet corner to reflect in before I could be involved in any conversation they were having. The reasons for this are mine alone. These stem from decisions I made over the past year and the consequences of my actions. I am hurt, I am depressed, I am stressed at both work and home and realized that it was my own doing and nothing that anyone else had caused. And in that time of my worst emotions, my wife told me everything was going to be okay. I almost broke down in tears, because I can never really tell her the reasons I was feeling the way I have been. It would just hurt her too much for me to say. But it was in that moment that I realized that no...

Recently I started to wonder why I was here. Not in a metaphysical sense but in a why was I posting my life on blogger? We all need validation at some point in our lives. We all want to feel desired. I have written about that in the past and this is one of the main reasons we have affairs. Of course there are those that get bored and just want variety, but we seek out what is missing in our lives and current relationship and when we find that we feel such a rush of emotions and passion it is a rush, like a drug. And in reality that is exactly what it is. Our brains sending out dopamine to bring us happiness and allow us that euphoria. But why do I seek validation? Why do I need constant reassurance that I look good or that I am attractive or that I am great in bed? Maybe it was always because I was expected to be the best at everything that I did. My parents were never ones to praise me or tell me how great I was doing. They just expected it. Not that they weren't proud or th...

The realization that I have not written anything of substance in the past year has been weighing on me recently. I have been preoccupied to say the least but not without adventure. A few months ago I started seeing a therapist. I was thinking I needed a life-coach but don't put much weight into that concept. I am not depressed or anxious. I just need focus and direction. There have been a lot of things that I have been questioning over the past few years. I have also been so incredibly busy that I almost need to cut back on some of the things that I have volunteered for. In an effort to regain focus or at least try to center my life again I decided to revisit the blog. Something that I have been wanting to do for the past few months, but have had limited success. Part of revisiting has led me to look at some of the people, influences, and friends that I have had over the last 10 years and have been thinking of trying to reconnect with them. The old guard as I affectionate...