Last night I finally brought up our relationship.
I started out with one of those, 'I think we need to talk about our relationship.' I could see the look in her eye as I am sure her heart skipped a beat.
I asked her why she gave me that look and she replied that anytime those words are spoken it usually is something bad.
'It is something bad,' I told her. 'But not in the way that you think.'
I brought up my unhappiness, our lack of intimacy. The fact that we do not show any affection towards each other, etc. We rarely fight, which is a good thing. But her point about that is we show no feelings at all towards each other. Like many other couples faced with the same dilemma, we have become roommates.
It was a perfect conversation. Our daughter was out playing with a friend. I was cooking dinner and we had not yet turned on the television.
She talked about her issues as she always does and I stopped her and said, 'this is why we are talking.' 'We never do talk about what you really want, or how you really feel.'
My wife did talk about her feelings, how she is not attracted to anyone, men or women. And most of that stems from her previous abuse, again I alluded to it in a previous post.
Of course I know that she loves me, but I also know its not much more than caring for a friend at this point.
So how do we get that romance back, I asked her. We had some great intimacy when we first started dating and even in the first few years of marriage. Things changed after her first miscarriage, and it went downhill fast after that.
I laid it out on the table, I am willing to do whatever it takes to get back to those days. Find out what can help her get through those bad memories and replace them with the good ones. I will use our therapist's suggestion of sensual touch without sex, and hopefully we will get past the tough times together.
As the conversation progress something very interesting happened. We talked more about her abuse and what techniques we can use to overcome those and also talked about my desires and how we can deal with that.
This is where it got interesting. I probed her about her feelings and she mentioned that even though she does not want sex she has what she termed bizarre dreams. Erotic dreams, dreams where she is essentially dominated, not necessarily abused. She said that even though it feels like I am being abused in my dreams I wake up incredibly aroused.
I suggested that she is basically a submissive. That out of her abuse her body has found a way to overcome that mental anguish and turn it into something erotic. So we discussed exploring that side of her. Not sexually at first but mentally. Allow her to express her feelings for that type of situation. I suggested reading erotic novels. She was a little nervous about that since she did not want to read a rape fantasy, and I agreed with her.
She wants to understand submission but not being abused. Where the guy has total control over the situation and she ultimately lets go of her feelings and just gives in to the guys desires. Of course I told her we can do whatever makes her feel comfortable.
I also explained without revealing too much detail that I had some good sources for some erotica that she would really enjoy.
Of course we laid the groundwork to get through this rut, and even at one point the suggestion of me having a girlfriend FWB type situation to help was brought up. At this point I think we need to focus on her, but neither of us shot that suggestion down. She even said that it could actually help her while helping me.
We shall see what becomes of all of this, but at least its a start.
Last night we laid in bed together and I rubbed my hand on her back, something she really likes. Sensual touching without sex, it may be something that I need to get used to, but if the end result is more sex how can I refuse.