Public or Private

Yesterday I received an interesting message on FetLife.  FetLife for me is a site that I visit occasionally to look at events and browse through some of the local profiles.  I have become friends with a few people locally but the other friends I have on there are from my blog.  At one point I was thinking of attending a few of the local munches but never had the courage to do so.

Of course part of the problem is that my wife is not a part of the scene nor will she ever be a part of it.  Not that it matters much, but I do not really want to participate in anything that I have to keep completely secret from her.  Well I do keep the blog secret but mostly that is just writing and fantasizing.  I still have never acted on anything that I think about doing or write about doing on this blog.

I even have an Ashley Madison profile but have never payed actually money because I am not sure how far I would go.

I guess I need to explain a few things.  I am essentially aroused almost all the time.  I think about sex more often then many other things and love to experience different situations sexually.  However I married a woman that views sex as a act that leaves her completely vulnerable.  A vulnerability that she can not let her self feel. She was abused at an young age, raped while on vacation and treated poorly by almost every man that she fell in love with.

Her depression has left us in a relationship that barely sees any intimacy and she can never really open up to me on that level.

We had great sex when we first started dating, and even when we were first married but things changed quickly.  Even when we have great sex now, a day or so later she does not even want to talk about it.  Again she feels that if she opens herself up to me she will be left vulnerable and so she resists it.

Starting this blog was a way for me to express myself and to vent my frustrations.  I have built quite a fantasy for me and a great persona for my sexual self.  I was always very adventurous when it came to sex and every relationship I have had has included some incredible sexual acts.  So that part of my life is real. 

I have also found myself through this blog.  I have found my sexual preferences, my true desires, and have a completely different outlook of myself.  In a sense I have grown as a person because of what I have experienced as Jack Bader.  I spend more time taking care of myself, making myself look good.  I work on my body more and have explored more sexually, albeit mostly by myself.

So when I received this message yesterday I was trying to piece together what she was trying to tell me.  It came from a friend that I have never met and only conversed with through the site.  Somehow she said a few things that were so perfect describing my relationship with my online persona that I had to share.

"...you can have your fun without the approval of others, let alone being openly involved in any one group.
Clearly, that is what works for you... I respect what you say about it and how you feel about it. It seems to me that you really are seeking intimacy, and that's nice." 

My involvement with FetLife is much like my involvement with this blog.  It is a tool I use to express my alter ego, more importantly my true self.  A self that I have not expressed openly anywhere else.

I would love to meet people from my blog in real life.  Even it is just to have a drink and talk about our lives. I have sought out some others that I chat with on a semi regular basis and see that despite the sexual nature of our blogs everyone of us has completely normal lives.

I have my friends that I ski with, friends that I drink with, friends that I bike with and friends that I work with, but it would be completely liberating to have friends that I can talk about sex with and that is what this blog has done for me.  Of course I am always up for some new chat friends so feel free to hit me up at anytime.

Most of you have no idea what I am like in real life, although I am sure many can get an idea from what I write about.  Although my writing and my real life do not intersect completely so getting the whole picture is quite different.

Sometimes I wish I could show my wife my private life and have her understand how I feel.  The writing on this blog allows my private self to shine through and become public.  Like I replied to my FetLife friend, maybe someday my public self can finally meet my private self in real life.