Blue Eyed Bader

Last night I finally brought up our relationship. I started out with one of those, 'I think we need to talk about our relationship.'  I could see the look in her eye as I am sure her heart skipped a beat. I asked her why she gave me that look and she replied that anytime those words are spoken it usually is something bad. 'It is something bad,' I told her. 'But not in the way that you think.' I brought up my unhappiness, our lack of intimacy.  The fact that we do not show any affection towards each other, etc.  We rarely fight, which is a good thing.  But her point about that is we show no feelings at all towards each other.  Like many other couples faced with the same dilemma, we have become roommates. It was a perfect conversation.  Our daughter was out playing with a friend.  I was cooking dinner and we had not yet turned on the television. She talked about her issues as she always does and I stopped her and said, 'this is why we are talk...

Doldrums by definition are described as an oceanic area where the prevailing winds are calm.  A divergence of the two streams that create an area where the winds basically do not blow. In the Phantom Toolbooth, the Doldrums were a colorless place where thinking and laughing are not allowed. Is that what a 13 year marriage leads to.. the doldrums?  Are we destined to boredom, a lull as one of my fellow bloggers put it in a recent chat session. Why do we become bored so easily?  Why do we let ourselves get in this rut? My life is the same routine.  Work, dinner, watch television, read, sleep.  Everyday is the same.  Even when I am confronted with the possibility of a sexy evening I tend to not even try. Maybe its the fear of rejection, maybe its that I am in a rut too. This seems to be the recipe that cause most people to cheat... its not a midlife crisis, its the doldrums. Its the boredom that you feel when you come home to the same thing every...

Is it our desire to be wanted, to be pleased? Sometimes I wonder if that is all that I need.  Even just to be acknowledged that I exist. I flirt, that is what I do.  I do it because I want others to feel the same way that I do.  That there is a person out there that finds me interesting or attractive. I enjoy the conversation.  I listen to them when they talk.  I am not there just to pick them up although it is fun to make those types of suggestions. Maybe it comes from the fact that I like to talk.  Maybe it is because I do not feel that I am getting the attention at home. My wife always said I was a flirt.  She knew that before we were married so she understands if I still do it. I would never consider myself a player but I like to work the room when I am at an event or a party.  Make small talk with people, observe their behavior. Sometimes I just sit back and watch.  That is probably the most useful for me.  Observe peo...

It will be a long road, and I understand it. We talked about it before but never did act on it.  It makes her uncomfortable and I understand. She has a problem opening up to anyone, she fears being vulnerable. Her therapist suggested non-sexual touching.  Massage and touch but no sex. Its hard but I have to try to restrain myself.  I know it will be better in the end. Maybe I can get her to open up to me finally after 13 years of marriage. I tried this weekend but she brushed me off. I know she was just avoiding the situation but I know she had a rough week. Maybe tonight I can try again and start the journey together. Lord knows I need a little loving too. Of course she needs it more right now and that is what I am going to do for her.

Just a quick one to get me started again. More to come... its just a start since the last one that I did was back in July. Hope you like it... and Happy HNT!

Yesterday I received an interesting message on FetLife.  FetLife for me is a site that I visit occasionally to look at events and browse through some of the local profiles.  I have become friends with a few people locally but the other friends I have on there are from my blog.  At one point I was thinking of attending a few of the local munches but never had the courage to do so. Of course part of the problem is that my wife is not a part of the scene nor will she ever be a part of it.  Not that it matters much, but I do not really want to participate in anything that I have to keep completely secret from her.  Well I do keep the blog secret but mostly that is just writing and fantasizing.  I still have never acted on anything that I think about doing or write about doing on this blog. I even have an Ashley Madison profile but have never payed actually money because I am not sure how far I would go. I guess I need to explain a few things.  I am ...

I find myself struggling to keep up on things that I once enjoyed.  My reasons are not that I do not want to keep writing and updating and keeping in touch with friends and such... all of these I have failed on in the past few months. But mainly because I work, come home, clean, take care of my daughter, cook dinner, clean up after dinner and by that time I am too tired to do anything else.  My life is great, do not think that I am complaining, but I am just busy living. My routine is the same almost every day and I actually do not mind doing all the work.  Sometimes I do wish that I could find the energy to keep updating the blog and keep in touch with all my friends.  Maybe I need to add this to my routine and stick with the plan. I have not even kept up on the other blogs that I used to read on a regular basis. I read bits and pieces here and there but some of them I am so lost.  Some of the other blogs have also gone away or have not been ...