Blue Eyed Bader

A friend popped up again recently and talking with her reminded me of how I have neglected this blog and all the friends that I had made writing here.  I actually have been writing on a different blog with my real name, but being anonymous and talking about sex is so much more fun. So I may try to continue where I left off and see what happens. Needless to say this year has been a bit crazy. From traveling the world to not leaving the house for seven months it has been a whirlwind to say the least.  The wife and I have decided that maybe it is time to move on. We have technically separated but with everything going on we still live together. Not the best situation but we still get along, just have no intimacy. So what now? Well I have been saving money, investing, getting in better shape and taking classes for an MBA. It is time to start doing things for myself. If you have followed my blog I always gave up most of life to be a caregiver and these days I just can't continue. P...

The other day I was feeling pretty depressed and down about several things in my life. Some of which I will never mention to anyone else, demons that I have to work through myself and with the help of my therapist.  I snapped at my daughter, snapped at my wife, telling them both that I was on edge and just needed to find a quiet corner to reflect in before I could be involved in any conversation they were having. The reasons for this are mine alone. These stem from decisions I made over the past year and the consequences of my actions. I am hurt, I am depressed, I am stressed at both work and home and realized that it was my own doing and nothing that anyone else had caused. And in that time of my worst emotions, my wife told me everything was going to be okay. I almost broke down in tears, because I can never really tell her the reasons I was feeling the way I have been. It would just hurt her too much for me to say. But it was in that moment that I realized that no...

Recently I started to wonder why I was here. Not in a metaphysical sense but in a why was I posting my life on blogger? We all need validation at some point in our lives. We all want to feel desired. I have written about that in the past and this is one of the main reasons we have affairs. Of course there are those that get bored and just want variety, but we seek out what is missing in our lives and current relationship and when we find that we feel such a rush of emotions and passion it is a rush, like a drug. And in reality that is exactly what it is. Our brains sending out dopamine to bring us happiness and allow us that euphoria. But why do I seek validation? Why do I need constant reassurance that I look good or that I am attractive or that I am great in bed? Maybe it was always because I was expected to be the best at everything that I did. My parents were never ones to praise me or tell me how great I was doing. They just expected it. Not that they weren't proud or th...

The realization that I have not written anything of substance in the past year has been weighing on me recently. I have been preoccupied to say the least but not without adventure. A few months ago I started seeing a therapist. I was thinking I needed a life-coach but don't put much weight into that concept. I am not depressed or anxious. I just need focus and direction. There have been a lot of things that I have been questioning over the past few years. I have also been so incredibly busy that I almost need to cut back on some of the things that I have volunteered for. In an effort to regain focus or at least try to center my life again I decided to revisit the blog. Something that I have been wanting to do for the past few months, but have had limited success. Part of revisiting has led me to look at some of the people, influences, and friends that I have had over the last 10 years and have been thinking of trying to reconnect with them. The old guard as I affectionate...

IF you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you, If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too; If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or being lied about, don't deal in lies, Or being hated, don't give way to hating, And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise: If you can dream - and not make dreams your master; If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim; If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same; If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools: If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breathe a word about your loss; If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew ...

What is that we look for in a relationship; passion, romance, good sex, stability, friendships, common interests? Unfortunately it seems the latter is all that we have left after many years with the same person. We read online how to rekindle the relationship. There are volumes of books on the subject and just as many movies that address it. But how do you really find that passion again. Recently I was introduced to an online world where people talk about their lives and love and romance and sex. We share pictures and stories of our marriages and sometimes we flirt individual, making arrangements to meet. Right before I turned 40 I was at a low point in my life, as many of you know reading the blog. My marriage was on the rocks, my life was in turmoil and I was heavier than I had been in years. But I decided to focus on myself and get in shape. I ate right, I worked out, I ran 20+ miles a week. I also started writing on this blog. I discovered people in similar situations a...