Thursday, September 28, 2017

The Old Guard

The realization that I have not written anything of substance in the past year has been weighing on me recently.

I have been preoccupied to say the least but not without adventure.

A few months ago I started seeing a therapist. I was thinking I needed a life-coach but don't put much weight into that concept. I am not depressed or anxious. I just need focus and direction.

There have been a lot of things that I have been questioning over the past few years. I have also been so incredibly busy that I almost need to cut back on some of the things that I have volunteered for.

In an effort to regain focus or at least try to center my life again I decided to revisit the blog. Something that I have been wanting to do for the past few months, but have had limited success. Part of revisiting has led me to look at some of the people, influences, and friends that I have had over the last 10 years and have been thinking of trying to reconnect with them.

The old guard as I affectionately refer to them. The blogs that I read when I started. The blogs that kept me up at night when I was sleeping in the spare bedroom. There were some late night chat sessions that I have had that would make many people blush and I remember those times with happy thoughts.

Hopefully many of them have not strayed too far and are still around. While I may not ever revisit those late night chats I am hoping to reconnect to read about their lives. To hopefully be able to read about further adventures that they may have had and to add my thoughts and good times to their lives as well.

Maybe for kicks I will through in a half-nekkid thursday post just for old time sake.

It has been an amazing ride these past few years, and even when I told my therapist about the blog she understood my reasoning completely and was not surprised when I told her how the writing and the sharing of stories and feelings made me feel good about myself again.

Thank you to all my friends and fellow bloggers that were able to be a part of my life and will hopefully be once again.


Tuesday, August 16, 2016


IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

-Rudyard Kipling

On Being Desired

What is that we look for in a relationship; passion, romance, good sex, stability, friendships, common interests? Unfortunately it seems the latter is all that we have left after many years with the same person.

We read online how to rekindle the relationship. There are volumes of books on the subject and just as many movies that address it. But how do you really find that passion again.

Recently I was introduced to an online world where people talk about their lives and love and romance and sex. We share pictures and stories of our marriages and sometimes we flirt individual, making arrangements to meet.

Right before I turned 40 I was at a low point in my life, as many of you know reading the blog. My marriage was on the rocks, my life was in turmoil and I was heavier than I had been in years. But I decided to focus on myself and get in shape. I ate right, I worked out, I ran 20+ miles a week.

I also started writing on this blog. I discovered people in similar situations and found that I was not alone in how I felt. But one of the biggest things that I found is that I could still be desired. That when I was showing off my new body and new shape, people would compliment me. I felt good since my wife was always so self conscious that she would get upset when I was searching for a compliment from her.

I am far from insecure, but it feels good to hear those words from someone. "You look hot!" or "Sexy"

The posts that I did on HNT were for many of the same reasons. I wanted to be desired again. To feel good about all the work that I was doing and not just for myself but for someone to admire it.

It seems like such a basic principle. I mean a truly healthy relationship should be one that we compliment each other. I tell my wife she is beautiful and her reply is hardly. But I do it because she is and she should feel good about it. That is how I want to feel. I don't need people to tell me I look good, but it is always nice to hear.

Being desired is an amazing feeling.

Friday, July 8, 2016

Life is Worth Living

I don't feel sorry for myself, I don't have any regrets, self-pity or sadness for my decisions, I have what I have and I am happy with it, for the most part.

It seems every so often I find myself at my keyboard trying to sift through the haze that has been my life recently and write something poignant. I often fail to come up with anything because I am never really sure where I am going when I start.

I write and rewrite the first sentence to the point that what I originally set out to write becomes a faded memory. I should be more consistent with my attempts and maybe then I will write something that resonates with not only me but the people that stumble upon it.

We all grow in life and sometimes we lose touch with what truly makes us happy. We are stuck in a job we hate, a relationship that is going nowhere, a city we want no part of and we focus on the negative when there is positive all around us.

I often forget how to live. I forget how to laugh and cry and feel my heart beat faster when something exciting happens. I forget who I am and what brought me to this place. Several times this week I have been reminded to stop worrying about the past and start living for the future. I have reminded myself several times that life is worth living, and living is life.

Last weekend on a spur of the moment I made plans to meet someone in a city a thousand miles away. Someone I had never met in life, and don't even know her real name. But I have felt such a connection to her that when I was about to press the button to buy the plane ticket my heart was beating so fast and so loud that I thought it could be heard in the next apartment.

It was all that I was focused on, all that I felt at the time, all that mattered. The excitement continued on both ends. We would text each other how much we wanted to meet and what we would do when we finally were able to for the first time. It was an energy that I have not felt in a long time. The combination of fear, adrenaline, expectations, and raw passion.

I realize now that I should have stepped back and thought things through better. Because in the moment I made several mistakes that would prevent the meet from happening and that is the tragedy of this. But I realized several things during this moment, things that will change my attitude towards my life once again. I realized that what I have here is not life, I am existing but not living.

What is it that we truly want in life? I am all about the adventures. The jumping on a plane to meet someone just for the hell of it, just because she makes me feel alive again. I think of how crazy that sounds and I shake my head but I also know that I would do it again in a heartbeat and not make the same mistakes. That is living, that is life. Not what we do everyday, it is the adventures that we have when we take a chance on something.

I will take the chance again, we have already started planning it. And this time it will be wonderful because the first time would have been. I was reminded by a good friend who I confided in, that really it is only life and we are only here for a short time. Clich├ęd I know, but really life is worth living.

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Mama, You Been on My Mind

Maybe, it's the color of the sun cut flat
And coverin' the crossroads I'm standing at
Maybe it's the weather or something like that
But mama, you been on my mind

I don't mean trouble, please don't put me down, don't get upset
I am not pleadin' or sayin', "I can't forget you"
I do not walk the floor bowed down an' bent, but yet
Mama, you just on my mind

Even though my mind is hazy an' my thoughts they might be narrow
Where you been don't bother me or bring me down in sorrow
It don't even matter, where you're wakin' up tomorrow
Mama, you just on my mind

When you wake up in the mornin', baby, look inside your mirror
You know I won't be next to you, you know I won't be near
I'd just be curious to know if you can see yourself as clear
As someone who has had you on his mind

-Bob Dylan

One of my favorite Bob Dylan songs. Such an incredible melody and really heartfelt.

If you want to hear my favorite version, listen below:

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

The Warrior's Cry

I feel the intensity within.

      A welling of not just anger but pure passion.

                A scream builds,
           a guttural noise from down deep in my body,
    the warrior's cry.

Follow me down this path, wherever it may lead.

Monday, March 7, 2016

A Bit of Fiction - Round One

The knock on the door, woke her up suddenly from her slumber. She was waiting in anticipation but her nerves caused her to get to the hotel long before the rendezvous was set to take place.

Angela prepped for his arrival. She wore the lingerie that she bought the week before. Lingerie that she had hidden from her husband knowing that he would be asking questions if she did not want to wear it for him.

Cheating was not something that she ever thought was a possibility until she realized that he did not really love her anymore. It was a marriage of convenience, one that she chose based on the advice of her friends and the fear of remaining alone for the rest of her life. She loved Timothy but was not in love with him, as she told her friends but they never understood. Angela grew up in a Christian family so when she talked of divorce it became a hushed conversation while doing the dishes after a family holiday meal.

Michael had shown her how to love again, even though this would be the first encounter with him, she had been texting him and exchanging sexy photographs for months now.

Every time he asked to see her for real she would immediately dismiss the thought and feel guilty about the whole thing. Then when her husband almost forgot her birthday to which Michael had sent her flowers and candies at her place of work, she decided that it was now or never.

She quickly regained her composure and got off the bed. Checking her looks in the full length mirror by the bathroom doorway, she tugged at the hem of her lingerie. Was it too short? Was it too revealing for the first meeting? She did not care at this point, she intended to have sex and that was all that mattered.

Opening the door, she could see he was a bit surprised, not only by what she was wearing but how fast she opened the door. Michael was standing there with a bottle of wine and a bottle of vodka. "Did not know what you were in the mood for," he told her.

She just grabbed his shirt and pulled him into the room letting the door shut behind them.

As soon as he was in the room she pulled him in for a kiss. He was surprised by how forward she was being and almost dropped the bottles. He struggled to put them on the table near the bed as she tried to pull off his shirt.

With the shirt stuck over his head he stumbled against her and she laughed as the both fell towards the bed. She could not believe how forward she was being, she had not had sex with another man in at least ten years, for what it was worth she had not had sex with her husband in at least ten months, but that was through no fault of her own.

Michael managed to free his head from his shirt as he pulled it up over his head. She straddled him on the bed and placed her hands on his clean shaven chest. She loved his chest more than anything since Timothy had let himself go in the past few years and the chiseled chest of his youth was starting to sag and show signs of wear.

She leaned in to whisper in his ear and he bit at her earlobe. "I want you inside me," she moaned. "I need you inside me."

"Not too fast," he replied, "let's try to savor this moment.

She lifted her head and looked right into his eyes and smiled, fuck this she thought, I need to be fucked and not savored.

Lifting up off of his waist she reached down and unbuckled his belt. The pants were off a second later and she could see the bulge of his cock barely concealed by his boxer briefs. She had seen it before in pictures but here was the real thing and it was huge.

He reached up to grabbed her breast and teased her nipple through the fabric of her shirt. She moaned as she stroked the shaft of his cock. In one swift motion she had pulled his boxers down freeing his massive member from the confines of the fabric.

Immediately she leaned down and took the head into her mouth. He tasted different then she remembered her husband, but it had been a long time. Her tongue flicked the underside of his shaft as she felt his fingers in her hair. Opening up her mouth more she pushed down further until she had half his cock in her mouth. Maybe some day she would be able to deep throat him but today it was not going to happen.

Gripping his balls in her hand she squeezed slightly as she brought her mouth back up in quicker motions. He tensed and she was worried that he would come too quickly so she slowed her pace a bit and teased the head, tasting the pre-cum on her tongue.

He leaned over and pulled her lingerie off releasing her perfect c-cups. She was proud of her 35 year old body, for the past six months she spent working out at the gym in anticipation for this very moment.

Reaching down he touched her labia which was now wetter than she could ever remember. He pushed a finger inside her and she moaned vibrating the shaft of his thick member still in her mouth.

Angela had to have him inside her right then, so move her lips away and crawled back up his body placing the head of his cock at her entrance. Slowly her wetness engulfed him and she felt fuller than she ever had in her life. Slowly she felt the full length of his shaft inside of her. She remembered an old boyfriend that had a long cock but never one this thick.

With a lustful look in her eyes she steadied herself by placing her hands back on his chest leaning slightly forward so she could feel the sensation of his body on her clit. Angela moved her hips, lifting herself up, feeling the sensation of his cock leaving her pussy.

Picking up the pace she closed her eyes and let out a moan as he reached up and squeezed her nipple. Michael could feel himself getting closer and he thrust up into her. Angela let out a little yelp feeling a bit of pain from such a large cock.

The bed was rattling now as they both moved together, harder and harder. Neither of them cared at that moment that the headboard was banging loudly into the wall. Maybe the people on the other side were enjoying the sounds.

Leaning back she put her hands on his thighs and felt him go deeper.

Michael put his arm around her waist and in one quick motion had swung her around onto the bed with him on top of her, never once did his cock leave her pussy.

Kissing her hard and deep he pushed faster and faster until he felt the familiar throb of him about to come.

Between moans she managed to say, "I want you to come inside me."

That was it, in one last push he emptied himself inside and she felt the wave of an orgasm from the sensation of his cock and they both collapsed on the bed with his full weight on top of her.

Breathing heavy, she smiled and told him, "that was fantastic." And he smiled back at her unable to speak right at that moment.

He got up and went to the bottle of vodka and fixed them both a drink.

Turning, naked and still hard, he spoke, "ready for round two?"

Friday, March 4, 2016

When In Love

Movies and books tend to make you believe that there is one person that you are supposed to be with in this universe. Fate will lead you to them and you will fall in love and your life will be perfect.

We read and watch the fairytale endings and wish that at some point we would have that type of life.  If anything it makes us long for the romance and the passion of that life.  I have written recently about passion and emotion and continuing that theme I decided to write about love.

I grew up the youngest of four boys. My brother closest in age to me had a personality larger than life. He was in the popular crowd, played all the popular sports and had a disease that everyone felt bad about him. I was jealous of his popularity but content with my life. I lived in his shadows, I was always junior to him, even my nickname became a play on his name followed by junior.

When I was a freshman in high school he was a senior and took me to his parties. We got along really well but he never knew the jealousy I felt. When he graduated I was now my own person. But by sophomore year my friends and personality were already established. I was not the outgoing boisterous personality that my brother was but the shy intelligent one that sat near the back of class and never did anything to upset the norm.

I met a few friends that helped me come out of my shell but I was still living in the shadows of my brother. My first real girlfriend was a girl that I met at a party that I learned later was a complete setup. She was the first real girl that paid attention to me since I was always quiet and reserved. I remember vividly that she was dressed in a sweatshirt that was too big for her and had her hair pulled back in a tight ponytail.

We left the party together in her dad's buick, a large car that even when I sat in the front seat I could not really sit next to her. We left the party to go get whipped cream from the grocery store for my friends to suck the nitrous out of in the back seat. There were five of us and while the other three went into the store I sat with this girl and talked.

She was smart, and pretty, and smelled nice despite the fact that she was dressed for a weekend morning in doors. We talked while the others bought the whipped cream and jumped in the back seat laughing as they put the nozzles in their mouths.

We drove back to the party and talked some more.  I learned that she was at an all girl private school but still lived in our town. That her parents wanted her to go to an ivy league school and she was into drama. When I left the party I had her number and the intentions of calling her later that week.

We went out again a week later and I began to fall in love. She was my first real girlfriend but I loved everything about her, except my friends and family did not. They would say that I changed, that I became more reserved. I would ignore them and spend time with her. They would tell me that I should not be with her, that I was not happy, and I still stayed with her.  But after a bit all that started to convince me that maybe they were right.

She had skipped ahead in school and even though we were the same age she graduated before me. She left to go to Georgetown and I stayed behind to play football and lacrosse. I helped her move down to college with her brother and we left that night with the intention of staying together. I loved her more than anything but I now felt somewhat free. That maybe my friends will be happy to have me back while she and I would talk at night and share her roommate stories and stories from college.

A month into school she dropped out. I want to say it was because she was not in the program she wanted to be in but I kept thinking it was because she wanted to be with me. That was the beginning of the end for us. My friends had planted the seed that she was not meant for me and when she returned and I spent most of my senior year with her and not my friends.

She applied and got accepted to the same college I was going to and while we both thought it was going to be wonderful, I had my reservations. My brother was also at the same college so again I was in the shadow of him and now had a girl with me.

Freshman year was great for the most part, I would go out and get drunk and smoke joints and come back to her in her dorm room. We would sleep together almost every night and have sex when I was sober enough. I was a typical asshole to her. I loved her, but there was no romance or time spent watching the sunrise together or talking about books or plays or even her lead parts in the musicals the school put on. I was always drunk or high with her and she put up with me.

Sophomore year I joined a fraternity. Something that looking back I would never do again but the friends that I met there are still my friends today. We had parties. Parties that we would invite the girls to and hopefully get them drunk and hook up with. My girl would come to these parties but because she was in the drama department would bring her friends that did not really fit in with the frat life.

We would go back to my room and sleep together. I was again always drunk or high and rarely did we have sex.

One particular party I was dancing with some other girl and she wanted to have sex with me. Being drunk and pretty much an ass, I ended up sleeping with her that night. The next day was spent in a guilt ridden admission of my faults. My girlfriend and I stayed together until the end of the semester even though she knew about the other girl. By summertime we were no longer a couple.

As the saying goes, you do not know what you are missing until it is gone, and she was gone. My heart broke for her and I tried to talk to her and she had already moved on.

When I went to see her play with a dozen roses in hand and watched her kiss another guy on stage I wondered if they were a couple. It was confirmed after that they were and he was some sort of rich kid from Manhattan and I was just a drunk from Jersey.

There was no way to compete with that and I left the parking lot in a fury with tears streaming from my face and a hole in my chest.

That summer I spent with my friends from my hometown. People that had grown a bit in college and I enjoyed spending time with them. We would go out to parties and I would talk to the girls that I had crushes on and hope that we could spark something in the conversation that would fill the void.

We were all drinking over a friends one night when the girl that I used to dream about in high school walked in the door. I had not seen her since I left for college and she was even more beautiful than I remembered and I felt my heart beat a little bit faster.

We played drinking games and had some intimate conversations. These were the type of games that you try to catch the girls off guard like 'I never' or some other ones that I can not remember. I spent the night talking with her and all my childhood memories of us being together felt like a reality that night.

I spent the night on the roll out couch in the apartment sleeping next to her. We did not do anything but I thought there was a connection. I left that morning before anyone else woke up and put a note on the pillow next to her confessing my love for her and giving her my number.

I never did get a call from her and wonder if the note was shown to the rest of my friends that had spent the night and they had a good laugh over it. A few years later I read an article in the local newspaper that she had died in a car accident coming home from her apartment in Tarrytown, NY.

I cried when I saw her name and still think about her and wonder had she called me would we have been together.

Junior year in college I, as my friends put it, lost my mind. I stopped drinking, I stopped smoking, I attended plays and joined some drama classes and wanted my old girlfriend back. She had moved on and it hurt, but I was okay with that now.

I focused on my writing and my classes and brought my GPA up. I started to spend time with people that did not drink all the time and we talked about life and love and the things that matter, not about how much I threw up last night or how good the weed was that we bought in Philly.

I attended journalism conferences and met some seniors that were part of the popular kids in school and one in particular invited me out on a blind date with her friend.

I was skeptical at first because I had no idea if this was a joke or if her friend was the ugly one that they wanted to set me up with because she had no date.

When I got to the apartment and met her for the first time all I could do was smile. She had dark hair and deep blue eyes, the kind that pulled you in. I found myself staring at her not knowing what to say and I was in love again. We talked about life and family and she liked that I did not drink. Her friends came over to see how we were doing and we both laughed and smiled and could not answer.

I spent the rest of the semester with her. I took her to the plays that my old girlfriend was in but neither of us cared about that and I heard from my ex's friends that she thought the new girl looked just like her. It did not matter, I was in love again and forgot all about the first one.

When she graduated and I went with her down to Maryland to help her move out we spent the time walking around DC. Quietly we both knew that our lives were changing and neither wanted to speak about it. When she told me she was moving to Lake Tahoe with a friend we promised that we would stay together and move to San Francisco.

We left each other with that promise.

That summer I spent traveling the country for a class. Every chance that I had when I was in a some town that had a phone we talked. We talked about life and what our plans were and how we were going to be together and I spent money on a ticket to visit her.

When I went to her place in Tahoe I could tell things were already different. She was moving on and I was noticing the subtle patterns. Her bed as small so I slept on the couch and even though we had sex it was not the same.

The last day of the trip when she went off to work and left me a message I went down to the beach and sat alone watching the waves roll in and read the words.

It was a goodbye note and I knew what it meant. I was sad but not heartbroken. It was not like the first time.

She drove me to the airport in silence and we said our goodbyes on the curb and I wished her luck.

I was back to college a few weeks later and feeling a little bit more alone.

I lived with a guy that was just out of a long relationship and we joked about that. I spent most of my time with the upstairs neighbors playing poker and drinking Jack Daniels. I did not drink as much as before but I did drink again.

Over Christmas break I saw my old girlfriend on her birthday out with her family. She came over to me mad that I forgot and I looked at her and told her I still loved her even though we were not together.

She smiled and told me the same and we decided to have dinner while we were home.

We had sex again a few nights later after dinner and some Christmas shopping we were doing for our family.

We talked about our relationships since the last time we were together and laughed about the awkward situations. I told her I loved my last girlfriend more than anything but it was over. She was glad for that and even though we were not really together we had sex any time we could.

This continued throughout the semester and we both knew we were graduating. We both had relationships on the side, and I met a girl that was into me at a party and started spending time with her.

She was the president of one of the sororities and when she met me she came up took off my hat and kissed me. I could smell the beer on her lips but she was pretty and had that look in her eyes that I knew she would be fun to hang out with and so we left together that night.

We spent many more nights together but it ended as quickly as it began and I was back to sleeping with my old girlfriend.

A few weeks later we graduated from college and we all went our separate ways. I lost track of many of these girls, I lost track of the times we spent and the love that I felt for them.

I can describe to you vivid details of our times together and tell you how I felt when I was with them but I no longer feel the heartache that I did. Eventually even after once again trying to start up the relationship with my first love I moved on. I met a girl in San Francisco that I fell madly in love with and we stayed together.

And while I know that I still love her, I wonder about what could have been if any of the others had worked out. There were many more that I did not mention. Girls that I loved in between the long relationships I had. Girls that I would spend many nights with doing nothing more than talking and watching the sunrise.

Even today with a half mended heart I wonder how my life would have been had I not come back from San Francisco, had I not invited her to live with me in Utah. I know that I may have never had my beautiful daughter and that is what convinces me it was right.

It may not be fate that brought us together, perhaps dumb luck, but I would not give up any of my time to not have my daughter part of my life. Maybe my life will change again soon, maybe I will end up loving someone else or like the rest of my family much happier with their second wife. Or maybe I will stay in this relationship and make it work. That is life and while it is much different than the novels or the movies, it is what I am part of every day.