Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Selfish

I feel like I am being selfish.

We received our tax returns for this year already and while they were not that great it still gives us a nice little bit of cash to spend on ourselves.

My idea is not a fun one, I plan on putting most of it into our savings account so we build up our emergency fund.  I stress about money a lot and I know I would relax quite a bit if I had some extra cash in our fund.

My wife has a different idea.  Since she has gained a bit of weight her wedding ring does not fit anymore.  So she was talking about getting it redone.

The problem is that it is not cheap to do.  It would take a portion of our tax return and while I would still be able to put money into our emergency fund it would give us nothing extra for anything else that would be fun.

Of course I think I made her mad because I mentioned that I wanted to spend the money on us and put most of it into our savings, but she sad she really wants to get this done.

She has not been wearing a wedding ring for several years and I think for her it might seem that since our relationship is drifting apart the symbolism of the ring means more to her.  Maybe its the last thing she is holding onto.  It could be she does not think she is whole in our relationship without it.

I don't know but I keep thinking it would be better to spend the money on something we all want.

Maybe that is just being selfish, or maybe she is being selfish.

Who knows maybe this will help get me laid.

So it could be a good thing.  I just wish it wasn't so damn expensive to get done.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Just A Little Update

Work has been overwhelming recently leaving me no time to do things that I enjoy.

But I feel that I still need to post here from time to time just so some of you know that I am still alive and kicking.

So here is an update of sorts:


  • Work is busy, they are consolidating our office and we still wondering if we will have jobs in six months.
  • Home life is stressful.  My wife was injured in our apartment complex and has trouble walking.  At first I was very good about helping her, but I think she is milking it a bit too much now.  I know it hurts but she still needs to try to get around on her own and not rely on me so much.
  • We have not had sex in quite some time. I think I posted it on here the last time we did so if you care to look you will know the exact date... in any event I can not remember it so it must be a while.
  • Valentines is coming and I know it will be stressful for her because she feels that she should have sex with me but does not want to.
  • I may be traveling again, and always while I travel I tend to think about straying.  Not sure I would but while I am out and about I think do consider it.
  • January and February are the hardest months for us financially... once that good old tax return comes things seem to get better and the summer is always a good time for us.  A lot of that has to do with my wife's employer not paying her vacation days and since she works in education the school is closed for several weeks.
  • I have been talking with several bloggers recently and really enjoying our conversations.  I am trying to branch out and find new ones, so if anyone has suggestions please feel free to comment here.  I did find one today and when I get to ready more I will post the link.
  • I have not been working out much but have not gained or lost weight in several months.  I am ready to start working out again but just have not had any time recently.
  • Been watching the Olympics but all they seem to be showing so far is figure skating, and while I don't mind watching it sometimes its too much.. maybe the next week of events will be a lot better.
That's pretty much my updates in brief.  Not much else is going on or rather I do not want to complain about anything else.  Mostly my life is pretty good, just need a little more sex in it.

Have a Happy Valentine's Day.


Saturday, December 21, 2013

Divergence

The path we travel in life is rarely point A to point B.  We never follow a straight line from birth to death, more likely we change directions at many points along the way.  Sometimes moving forward sometimes backwards but never in a straight line.

At various points along the way we have to make choices that change the path forward.  We divert from our goals to make plans and set different goals.  It was always a plan of mine to live in California, and while I did for a few years, opportunities and decisions changed my direction and I found myself back in New Jersey.

When I moved back out west I felt again I was destined to stay where I was for the rest of my life and once again plans changed and I found myself in the South.  While I lived for a few months in the south I never thought I would live there for any length of time.  After eight years I found myself back out west and again find myself saying that I am never going to leave this place.

We never know where the path is going to take us and why we change our minds.  Sometimes its for a job, sometimes its for a girl like California to New Jersey, sometimes it is out of necessity, no it is not like I am a wanted criminal in the South, well at least I do not think so.

I turned 40 a few years ago and once again I found myself in the midst of change.  Moving from the south back out west and move dictated by my job, although I was not complaining.

Each leg of the journey has brought a change in my life.  I travel in different groups and find my interests changing a bit here and there.  While I remain the same personality wise, I find my decisions to be based more on how the rest of my life will be affected.  Maybe its that I am growing up finally, settling down.

I am happier than I have ever been with where I live and the job that I do.  I enjoy the people I work with and have met some good people here.  Of course we still struggle to find friends, which I understand is difficult as we grow older.

I am interested in the city I live in and the history of it.  Something I never felt in the south, even though I lived in a city that probably has more history than most others in the entire US.

I find myself wanting to spend more time downtown, taking the train and exploring what it has to offer.

I have volunteered for various organizations and am now on the board of one.  While I do some of these things to further my career, others I do to involve myself in the life of the city.

I told someone the other day that I am now so busy its been crazy, but I am happy.

Sometimes I wonder though if I am putting more effort into my career and ignoring my personal life.

My wife and I have a good relationship but it still suffers quite a bit without the intimacy.  We have not been working on our issues lately, and most of that is holiday related but some is because we are both extremely busy.

I know its hard to balance work and personal life, and I need to find that balance.  I always make the statement though that I have to be happy in my work to stay happy in my personal life.  It's a viscous cycle.

What has happened in the past is I have been unhappy in my work and ended up making changes that affect my personal life which sometimes is not always a good thing.  The move from the west to the south was probably a mistake for my personal life.  Was good for my career, but our relationship suffered quite a bit.

So now that I am happy with work and where I live, it should not be too hard to work on my personal life.  Unfortunately I am not sure what to do.  I tend to ignore the things that I need to focus on and immerse myself in my work, which is maybe what I am doing.

As you can see, around and around I go.

At least the path forward is just that forward.  I am not planning on going backwards anymore.  I look to the future and I see what needs to be done.  I am just not sure how I am going to get there.

Every day I take a new step and ultimately I will reach my goals.  I just know that some of them will come later than I had originally planned, but at least I know they are coming.

This christmas like every other christmas we have been struggling through with finances.  This year though we are doing much better than previous and our outlook for next is better.  I can see things settling down finally and we can focus on the next goal.  Last year we had to dig out of a hole, and while I will still be digging, the hole is much shallower.

Anyway,  Happy Holidays to everyone that still reads my blog!  And thanks for joining me on this journey, I promise not to diverge too much in the future.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

We had sex...

Progress was being made, we were enjoying each others company.  Then things changed for the worse.

I had been traveling.  A few days north of our border for work, but returned home last Friday evening. Things were going well at least I thought they were.

Saturday morning I woke up early and started massaging her back.  She said she was tired and so I went out to the couch to watch some television and let her sleep a little longer.

When she finally did make it out to the living room the discussion began.

We talked about making progress, about how she felt.  I thought things were going wrong but according to her we were way off.  She told me she did not want to even try to have sex at this point, things were moving too fast for her.

Then things got somewhat ugly.  Things were said that should not have been said and while we did not once raise our voices, the argument was clear.  I told her basically we were roommates and I was not happy with the situation.  She told me she was not sure how she felt and maybe she would be better off on her own.

The timing was bad, since we had plans for that day.  I was angry but not sure what to do.

That evening when we were finally alone we talked again.  I told her plainly that I needed more in our relationship and not just a friendship.  I told her that I loved her but if we did not at least decide on a path forward that maybe it would be better if it ended.

We talked for a while and finally came to a conclusion, that we would need to work on this together.  We both loved each other very much and needed to keep the relationship alive.

One step forwards two steps back, to quote an old cliche.

That night we slept and things looked at least better again.

The next morning we were left on our own for a while.  Our daughter has been going to church with a friend, and our friend was not set to arrive until later that day.

While we were watching the morning programs, I decided to get up and go to the couch to lay with her.  We kissed and each of us said we were sorry for what was said yesterday.  I told her that its not good that we have no intimacy, and that for me being intimate with her is part of my love for her.

She agreed and we kissed more.  I was hard by this time but trying not to think about it.  I knew I did not want to pressure her into sex but my body had different thoughts.  We laid like that for a little while, kissing and touching each other until she had to get up to pee.  I guess my full weight on her bladder and two full cups of coffee were working against us.

After she finished she sat back down with me and curled up in my arms.  Again I started kissing her neck and talking with her.  She responded by kissing me back passionately.

Trying again not to force the issue, I got up and started cleaning for our guest's arrival.  And she started taking down the Halloween decorations.  I would pass by her from time to time and brush up against her.

At one point she was pulling the tape off of our door and I leaned in and kissed her neck.  She whispered I know what you are trying to do and its not going to work.  I told her that I was not trying to have sex with her if that is what she meant, I just like the intimacy of our situation.

She turned back to me and said, okay we can do it.  Of course I was startled, not that my body did not want it or my flirting with her was not somewhat intentional but I would have been content if we were just kissing and hugging, first steps right.

I quickly asked her if she really wanted to and she said yes, so we rushed off to the bedroom and started getting undressed.  Since she told me the other day that she could not do the foreplay yet I told her at least we can be quick.

So we got naked and jumped into bed, my hand going down between her legs.

I was surprised by how wet she was, and commented on her being aroused by the kissing.  She just smiled at me and told me to be gentle.

My fingers, moist with her wetness, massaged her clit.  Slowly circling and then going back and forth.  She had her head tilted back and her eyes closed and a small moan escaped her lips.  I picked up the pace and her body responded.  Right there I heard her say, don't stop.  My fingers moved faster and faster on her clit.

She arched her back a little and said again, don't stop.  Her body tensed and she moaned loudly as I brought her to her first orgasm.

I slowly slid my cock into her wet pussy, lifting her leg slightly to push deeper.  She held me tight for a moment and I stopped when I was fully into her.

Moving slowly I pulled out and pushed back into her as deep as I could go.  Picking up the pace I could feel my body getting closer, something I wanted to prolong.  So I pulled out and told her to lie on her stomach.

When I got behind her I pushed into her hard but held it there so I could regain some stamina.  Moving in and out very slowly I would pull my cock almost all the way out to the head and then just as slowly push back into her.

I knew I could not hold out much longer so I stopped for a second when I was all the way in and bent down to kiss her neck.  As I did so I started to pick up the pace again and leaned up on my hands.  I dropped my head down and watched as my cock entered her pussy faster and faster.

We both moaned loudly and in one final push I released into her in several spasms.  My body collapsed onto her and I told her that I wished that I could have lasted longer.  She said she did not mind at all and it was wonderful.

I pulled out and we both got washed up.  She jumped in the shower and I started cleaning again.  The last thing I wanted was for our apartment to smell like sex when our friend arrived.

So maybe it was my intention to get her in bed, and maybe it worked.  But at least we have taken a good first step to reviving our intimacy.

Friday, October 25, 2013

The Conversation Begins

Last night I finally brought up our relationship.

I started out with one of those, 'I think we need to talk about our relationship.'  I could see the look in her eye as I am sure her heart skipped a beat.

I asked her why she gave me that look and she replied that anytime those words are spoken it usually is something bad.

'It is something bad,' I told her. 'But not in the way that you think.'

I brought up my unhappiness, our lack of intimacy.  The fact that we do not show any affection towards each other, etc.  We rarely fight, which is a good thing.  But her point about that is we show no feelings at all towards each other.  Like many other couples faced with the same dilemma, we have become roommates.

It was a perfect conversation.  Our daughter was out playing with a friend.  I was cooking dinner and we had not yet turned on the television.

She talked about her issues as she always does and I stopped her and said, 'this is why we are talking.'  'We never do talk about what you really want, or how you really feel.'

My wife did talk about her feelings, how she is not attracted to anyone, men or women.  And most of that stems from her previous abuse, again I alluded to it in a previous post.

Of course I know that she loves me, but I also know its not much more than caring for a friend at this point.

So how do we get that romance back, I asked her.  We had some great intimacy when we first started dating and even in the first few years of marriage.  Things changed after her first miscarriage, and it went downhill fast after that.

I laid it out on the table, I am willing to do whatever it takes to get back to those days.  Find out what can help her get through those bad memories and replace them with the good ones.  I will use our therapist's suggestion of sensual touch without sex, and hopefully we will get past the tough times together.

As the conversation progress something very interesting happened.  We talked more about her abuse and what techniques we can use to overcome those and also talked about my desires and how we can deal with that.

This is where it got interesting.  I probed her about her feelings and she mentioned that even though she does not want sex she has what she termed bizarre dreams.  Erotic dreams, dreams where she is essentially dominated, not necessarily abused.  She said that even though it feels like I am being abused in my dreams I wake up incredibly aroused.

I suggested that she is basically a submissive.  That out of her abuse her body has found a way to overcome that mental anguish and turn it into something erotic.  So we discussed exploring that side of her.  Not sexually at first but mentally.  Allow her to express her feelings for that type of situation.  I suggested reading erotic novels.  She was a little nervous about that since she did not want to read a rape fantasy, and I agreed with her.

She wants to understand submission but not being abused.  Where the guy has total control over the situation and she ultimately lets go of her feelings and just gives in to the guys desires.  Of course I told her we can do whatever makes her feel comfortable.

I also explained without revealing too much detail that I had some good sources for some erotica that she would really enjoy.

Of course we laid the groundwork to get through this rut, and even at one point the suggestion of me having a girlfriend FWB type situation to help was brought up.  At this point I think we need to focus on her, but neither of us shot that suggestion down.  She even said that it could actually help her while helping me.

We shall see what becomes of all of this, but at least its a start.

Last night we laid in bed together and I rubbed my hand on her back, something she really likes.  Sensual touching without sex, it may be something that I need to get used to, but if the end result is more sex how can I refuse.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

The Doldrums

Doldrums by definition are described as an oceanic area where the prevailing winds are calm.  A divergence of the two streams that create an area where the winds basically do not blow.

In the Phantom Toolbooth, the Doldrums were a colorless place where thinking and laughing are not allowed.

Is that what a 13 year marriage leads to.. the doldrums?  Are we destined to boredom, a lull as one of my fellow bloggers put it in a recent chat session.

Why do we become bored so easily?  Why do we let ourselves get in this rut?

My life is the same routine.  Work, dinner, watch television, read, sleep.  Everyday is the same.  Even when I am confronted with the possibility of a sexy evening I tend to not even try.

Maybe its the fear of rejection, maybe its that I am in a rut too.

This seems to be the recipe that cause most people to cheat... its not a midlife crisis, its the doldrums.

Its the boredom that you feel when you come home to the same thing every night.  The same situation at home.  The same emotional response from your spouse.

I constantly read articles about how to spice up your sexlife.  How to bring that spark back.  But the doldrums seem to swallow us all at some point.

Writing this blog was an attempt to navigate the doldrums, to get out of the rut that I found myself in.  I tend to get out but find my way right back in.

When we first moved out west, our lives were fantastic.  Sex was great, our situation was wonderful and we were happy.  As that faded we found our way back in the lull.

My wife told me the other day that sex is the furthest thing from her mind... I said that's funny because its the first thing I think of when I wake up, and quite possibly all I think about when I sleep.

She said, well that is your problem... Hun, I think this is a bit of our problem.  Sex may not lead me out of the doldrums but it may at least allow me to find the path.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

To be wanted...

Is it our desire to be wanted, to be pleased?

Sometimes I wonder if that is all that I need.  Even just to be acknowledged that I exist.

I flirt, that is what I do.  I do it because I want others to feel the same way that I do.  That there is a person out there that finds me interesting or attractive.

I enjoy the conversation.  I listen to them when they talk.  I am not there just to pick them up although it is fun to make those types of suggestions.

Maybe it comes from the fact that I like to talk.  Maybe it is because I do not feel that I am getting the attention at home.

My wife always said I was a flirt.  She knew that before we were married so she understands if I still do it.

I would never consider myself a player but I like to work the room when I am at an event or a party.  Make small talk with people, observe their behavior.

Sometimes I just sit back and watch.  That is probably the most useful for me.  Observe people's reactions to other people's conversations.  It is amazing how you can pick up boredom just from the way a person stands.

It is at those times that I may approach and rescue the person, seems to work wonders for a conversation.

Again my wife confuses confidence for arrogance.  I never consider myself arrogant, I just like to talk with new people.

Maybe it is because I like to think that my conversation was interesting and that maybe she finds me attractive.  Either way it is a far cry from when I was younger and never talked with anyone.

My wife seems to have so many other things on her mind... and I never seem to be one of them.