Friday, July 8, 2016

Life is Worth Living

I don't feel sorry for myself, I don't have any regrets, self-pity or sadness for my decisions, I have what I have and I am happy with it, for the most part.

It seems every so often I find myself at my keyboard trying to sift through the haze that has been my life recently and write something poignant. I often fail to come up with anything because I am never really sure where I am going when I start.

I write and rewrite the first sentence to the point that what I originally set out to write becomes a faded memory. I should be more consistent with my attempts and maybe then I will write something that resonates with not only me but the people that stumble upon it.

We all grow in life and sometimes we lose touch with what truly makes us happy. We are stuck in a job we hate, a relationship that is going nowhere, a city we want no part of and we focus on the negative when there is positive all around us.

I often forget how to live. I forget how to laugh and cry and feel my heart beat faster when something exciting happens. I forget who I am and what brought me to this place. Several times this week I have been reminded to stop worrying about the past and start living for the future. I have reminded myself several times that life is worth living, and living is life.

Last weekend on a spur of the moment I made plans to meet someone in a city a thousand miles away. Someone I had never met in life, and don't even know her real name. But I have felt such a connection to her that when I was about to press the button to buy the plane ticket my heart was beating so fast and so loud that I thought it could be heard in the next apartment.

It was all that I was focused on, all that I felt at the time, all that mattered. The excitement continued on both ends. We would text each other how much we wanted to meet and what we would do when we finally were able to for the first time. It was an energy that I have not felt in a long time. The combination of fear, adrenaline, expectations, and raw passion.

I realize now that I should have stepped back and thought things through better. Because in the moment I made several mistakes that would prevent the meet from happening and that is the tragedy of this. But I realized several things during this moment, things that will change my attitude towards my life once again. I realized that what I have here is not life, I am existing but not living.

What is it that we truly want in life? I am all about the adventures. The jumping on a plane to meet someone just for the hell of it, just because she makes me feel alive again. I think of how crazy that sounds and I shake my head but I also know that I would do it again in a heartbeat and not make the same mistakes. That is living, that is life. Not what we do everyday, it is the adventures that we have when we take a chance on something.

I will take the chance again, we have already started planning it. And this time it will be wonderful because the first time would have been. I was reminded by a good friend who I confided in, that really it is only life and we are only here for a short time. Clich├ęd I know, but really life is worth living.

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Mama, You Been on My Mind

Maybe, it's the color of the sun cut flat
And coverin' the crossroads I'm standing at
Maybe it's the weather or something like that
But mama, you been on my mind

I don't mean trouble, please don't put me down, don't get upset
I am not pleadin' or sayin', "I can't forget you"
I do not walk the floor bowed down an' bent, but yet
Mama, you just on my mind

Even though my mind is hazy an' my thoughts they might be narrow
Where you been don't bother me or bring me down in sorrow
It don't even matter, where you're wakin' up tomorrow
Mama, you just on my mind

When you wake up in the mornin', baby, look inside your mirror
You know I won't be next to you, you know I won't be near
I'd just be curious to know if you can see yourself as clear
As someone who has had you on his mind

-Bob Dylan

One of my favorite Bob Dylan songs. Such an incredible melody and really heartfelt.

If you want to hear my favorite version, listen below:

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

The Warrior's Cry

I feel the intensity within.

      A welling of not just anger but pure passion.

                A scream builds,
           a guttural noise from down deep in my body,
    the warrior's cry.

Follow me down this path, wherever it may lead.

Monday, March 7, 2016

A Bit of Fiction - Round One

The knock on the door, woke her up suddenly from her slumber. She was waiting in anticipation but her nerves caused her to get to the hotel long before the rendezvous was set to take place.

Angela prepped for his arrival. She wore the lingerie that she bought the week before. Lingerie that she had hidden from her husband knowing that he would be asking questions if she did not want to wear it for him.

Cheating was not something that she ever thought was a possibility until she realized that he did not really love her anymore. It was a marriage of convenience, one that she chose based on the advice of her friends and the fear of remaining alone for the rest of her life. She loved Timothy but was not in love with him, as she told her friends but they never understood. Angela grew up in a Christian family so when she talked of divorce it became a hushed conversation while doing the dishes after a family holiday meal.

Michael had shown her how to love again, even though this would be the first encounter with him, she had been texting him and exchanging sexy photographs for months now.

Every time he asked to see her for real she would immediately dismiss the thought and feel guilty about the whole thing. Then when her husband almost forgot her birthday to which Michael had sent her flowers and candies at her place of work, she decided that it was now or never.

She quickly regained her composure and got off the bed. Checking her looks in the full length mirror by the bathroom doorway, she tugged at the hem of her lingerie. Was it too short? Was it too revealing for the first meeting? She did not care at this point, she intended to have sex and that was all that mattered.

Opening the door, she could see he was a bit surprised, not only by what she was wearing but how fast she opened the door. Michael was standing there with a bottle of wine and a bottle of vodka. "Did not know what you were in the mood for," he told her.

She just grabbed his shirt and pulled him into the room letting the door shut behind them.

As soon as he was in the room she pulled him in for a kiss. He was surprised by how forward she was being and almost dropped the bottles. He struggled to put them on the table near the bed as she tried to pull off his shirt.

With the shirt stuck over his head he stumbled against her and she laughed as the both fell towards the bed. She could not believe how forward she was being, she had not had sex with another man in at least ten years, for what it was worth she had not had sex with her husband in at least ten months, but that was through no fault of her own.

Michael managed to free his head from his shirt as he pulled it up over his head. She straddled him on the bed and placed her hands on his clean shaven chest. She loved his chest more than anything since Timothy had let himself go in the past few years and the chiseled chest of his youth was starting to sag and show signs of wear.

She leaned in to whisper in his ear and he bit at her earlobe. "I want you inside me," she moaned. "I need you inside me."

"Not too fast," he replied, "let's try to savor this moment.

She lifted her head and looked right into his eyes and smiled, fuck this she thought, I need to be fucked and not savored.

Lifting up off of his waist she reached down and unbuckled his belt. The pants were off a second later and she could see the bulge of his cock barely concealed by his boxer briefs. She had seen it before in pictures but here was the real thing and it was huge.

He reached up to grabbed her breast and teased her nipple through the fabric of her shirt. She moaned as she stroked the shaft of his cock. In one swift motion she had pulled his boxers down freeing his massive member from the confines of the fabric.

Immediately she leaned down and took the head into her mouth. He tasted different then she remembered her husband, but it had been a long time. Her tongue flicked the underside of his shaft as she felt his fingers in her hair. Opening up her mouth more she pushed down further until she had half his cock in her mouth. Maybe some day she would be able to deep throat him but today it was not going to happen.

Gripping his balls in her hand she squeezed slightly as she brought her mouth back up in quicker motions. He tensed and she was worried that he would come too quickly so she slowed her pace a bit and teased the head, tasting the pre-cum on her tongue.

He leaned over and pulled her lingerie off releasing her perfect c-cups. She was proud of her 35 year old body, for the past six months she spent working out at the gym in anticipation for this very moment.

Reaching down he touched her labia which was now wetter than she could ever remember. He pushed a finger inside her and she moaned vibrating the shaft of his thick member still in her mouth.

Angela had to have him inside her right then, so move her lips away and crawled back up his body placing the head of his cock at her entrance. Slowly her wetness engulfed him and she felt fuller than she ever had in her life. Slowly she felt the full length of his shaft inside of her. She remembered an old boyfriend that had a long cock but never one this thick.

With a lustful look in her eyes she steadied herself by placing her hands back on his chest leaning slightly forward so she could feel the sensation of his body on her clit. Angela moved her hips, lifting herself up, feeling the sensation of his cock leaving her pussy.

Picking up the pace she closed her eyes and let out a moan as he reached up and squeezed her nipple. Michael could feel himself getting closer and he thrust up into her. Angela let out a little yelp feeling a bit of pain from such a large cock.

The bed was rattling now as they both moved together, harder and harder. Neither of them cared at that moment that the headboard was banging loudly into the wall. Maybe the people on the other side were enjoying the sounds.

Leaning back she put her hands on his thighs and felt him go deeper.

Michael put his arm around her waist and in one quick motion had swung her around onto the bed with him on top of her, never once did his cock leave her pussy.

Kissing her hard and deep he pushed faster and faster until he felt the familiar throb of him about to come.

Between moans she managed to say, "I want you to come inside me."

That was it, in one last push he emptied himself inside and she felt the wave of an orgasm from the sensation of his cock and they both collapsed on the bed with his full weight on top of her.

Breathing heavy, she smiled and told him, "that was fantastic." And he smiled back at her unable to speak right at that moment.

He got up and went to the bottle of vodka and fixed them both a drink.

Turning, naked and still hard, he spoke, "ready for round two?"

Friday, March 4, 2016

When In Love

Movies and books tend to make you believe that there is one person that you are supposed to be with in this universe. Fate will lead you to them and you will fall in love and your life will be perfect.

We read and watch the fairytale endings and wish that at some point we would have that type of life.  If anything it makes us long for the romance and the passion of that life.  I have written recently about passion and emotion and continuing that theme I decided to write about love.

I grew up the youngest of four boys. My brother closest in age to me had a personality larger than life. He was in the popular crowd, played all the popular sports and had a disease that everyone felt bad about him. I was jealous of his popularity but content with my life. I lived in his shadows, I was always junior to him, even my nickname became a play on his name followed by junior.

When I was a freshman in high school he was a senior and took me to his parties. We got along really well but he never knew the jealousy I felt. When he graduated I was now my own person. But by sophomore year my friends and personality were already established. I was not the outgoing boisterous personality that my brother was but the shy intelligent one that sat near the back of class and never did anything to upset the norm.

I met a few friends that helped me come out of my shell but I was still living in the shadows of my brother. My first real girlfriend was a girl that I met at a party that I learned later was a complete setup. She was the first real girl that paid attention to me since I was always quiet and reserved. I remember vividly that she was dressed in a sweatshirt that was too big for her and had her hair pulled back in a tight ponytail.

We left the party together in her dad's buick, a large car that even when I sat in the front seat I could not really sit next to her. We left the party to go get whipped cream from the grocery store for my friends to suck the nitrous out of in the back seat. There were five of us and while the other three went into the store I sat with this girl and talked.

She was smart, and pretty, and smelled nice despite the fact that she was dressed for a weekend morning in doors. We talked while the others bought the whipped cream and jumped in the back seat laughing as they put the nozzles in their mouths.

We drove back to the party and talked some more.  I learned that she was at an all girl private school but still lived in our town. That her parents wanted her to go to an ivy league school and she was into drama. When I left the party I had her number and the intentions of calling her later that week.

We went out again a week later and I began to fall in love. She was my first real girlfriend but I loved everything about her, except my friends and family did not. They would say that I changed, that I became more reserved. I would ignore them and spend time with her. They would tell me that I should not be with her, that I was not happy, and I still stayed with her.  But after a bit all that started to convince me that maybe they were right.

She had skipped ahead in school and even though we were the same age she graduated before me. She left to go to Georgetown and I stayed behind to play football and lacrosse. I helped her move down to college with her brother and we left that night with the intention of staying together. I loved her more than anything but I now felt somewhat free. That maybe my friends will be happy to have me back while she and I would talk at night and share her roommate stories and stories from college.

A month into school she dropped out. I want to say it was because she was not in the program she wanted to be in but I kept thinking it was because she wanted to be with me. That was the beginning of the end for us. My friends had planted the seed that she was not meant for me and when she returned and I spent most of my senior year with her and not my friends.

She applied and got accepted to the same college I was going to and while we both thought it was going to be wonderful, I had my reservations. My brother was also at the same college so again I was in the shadow of him and now had a girl with me.

Freshman year was great for the most part, I would go out and get drunk and smoke joints and come back to her in her dorm room. We would sleep together almost every night and have sex when I was sober enough. I was a typical asshole to her. I loved her, but there was no romance or time spent watching the sunrise together or talking about books or plays or even her lead parts in the musicals the school put on. I was always drunk or high with her and she put up with me.

Sophomore year I joined a fraternity. Something that looking back I would never do again but the friends that I met there are still my friends today. We had parties. Parties that we would invite the girls to and hopefully get them drunk and hook up with. My girl would come to these parties but because she was in the drama department would bring her friends that did not really fit in with the frat life.

We would go back to my room and sleep together. I was again always drunk or high and rarely did we have sex.

One particular party I was dancing with some other girl and she wanted to have sex with me. Being drunk and pretty much an ass, I ended up sleeping with her that night. The next day was spent in a guilt ridden admission of my faults. My girlfriend and I stayed together until the end of the semester even though she knew about the other girl. By summertime we were no longer a couple.

As the saying goes, you do not know what you are missing until it is gone, and she was gone. My heart broke for her and I tried to talk to her and she had already moved on.

When I went to see her play with a dozen roses in hand and watched her kiss another guy on stage I wondered if they were a couple. It was confirmed after that they were and he was some sort of rich kid from Manhattan and I was just a drunk from Jersey.

There was no way to compete with that and I left the parking lot in a fury with tears streaming from my face and a hole in my chest.

That summer I spent with my friends from my hometown. People that had grown a bit in college and I enjoyed spending time with them. We would go out to parties and I would talk to the girls that I had crushes on and hope that we could spark something in the conversation that would fill the void.

We were all drinking over a friends one night when the girl that I used to dream about in high school walked in the door. I had not seen her since I left for college and she was even more beautiful than I remembered and I felt my heart beat a little bit faster.

We played drinking games and had some intimate conversations. These were the type of games that you try to catch the girls off guard like 'I never' or some other ones that I can not remember. I spent the night talking with her and all my childhood memories of us being together felt like a reality that night.

I spent the night on the roll out couch in the apartment sleeping next to her. We did not do anything but I thought there was a connection. I left that morning before anyone else woke up and put a note on the pillow next to her confessing my love for her and giving her my number.

I never did get a call from her and wonder if the note was shown to the rest of my friends that had spent the night and they had a good laugh over it. A few years later I read an article in the local newspaper that she had died in a car accident coming home from her apartment in Tarrytown, NY.

I cried when I saw her name and still think about her and wonder had she called me would we have been together.

Junior year in college I, as my friends put it, lost my mind. I stopped drinking, I stopped smoking, I attended plays and joined some drama classes and wanted my old girlfriend back. She had moved on and it hurt, but I was okay with that now.

I focused on my writing and my classes and brought my GPA up. I started to spend time with people that did not drink all the time and we talked about life and love and the things that matter, not about how much I threw up last night or how good the weed was that we bought in Philly.

I attended journalism conferences and met some seniors that were part of the popular kids in school and one in particular invited me out on a blind date with her friend.

I was skeptical at first because I had no idea if this was a joke or if her friend was the ugly one that they wanted to set me up with because she had no date.

When I got to the apartment and met her for the first time all I could do was smile. She had dark hair and deep blue eyes, the kind that pulled you in. I found myself staring at her not knowing what to say and I was in love again. We talked about life and family and she liked that I did not drink. Her friends came over to see how we were doing and we both laughed and smiled and could not answer.

I spent the rest of the semester with her. I took her to the plays that my old girlfriend was in but neither of us cared about that and I heard from my ex's friends that she thought the new girl looked just like her. It did not matter, I was in love again and forgot all about the first one.

When she graduated and I went with her down to Maryland to help her move out we spent the time walking around DC. Quietly we both knew that our lives were changing and neither wanted to speak about it. When she told me she was moving to Lake Tahoe with a friend we promised that we would stay together and move to San Francisco.

We left each other with that promise.

That summer I spent traveling the country for a class. Every chance that I had when I was in a some town that had a phone we talked. We talked about life and what our plans were and how we were going to be together and I spent money on a ticket to visit her.

When I went to her place in Tahoe I could tell things were already different. She was moving on and I was noticing the subtle patterns. Her bed as small so I slept on the couch and even though we had sex it was not the same.

The last day of the trip when she went off to work and left me a message I went down to the beach and sat alone watching the waves roll in and read the words.

It was a goodbye note and I knew what it meant. I was sad but not heartbroken. It was not like the first time.

She drove me to the airport in silence and we said our goodbyes on the curb and I wished her luck.

I was back to college a few weeks later and feeling a little bit more alone.

I lived with a guy that was just out of a long relationship and we joked about that. I spent most of my time with the upstairs neighbors playing poker and drinking Jack Daniels. I did not drink as much as before but I did drink again.

Over Christmas break I saw my old girlfriend on her birthday out with her family. She came over to me mad that I forgot and I looked at her and told her I still loved her even though we were not together.

She smiled and told me the same and we decided to have dinner while we were home.

We had sex again a few nights later after dinner and some Christmas shopping we were doing for our family.

We talked about our relationships since the last time we were together and laughed about the awkward situations. I told her I loved my last girlfriend more than anything but it was over. She was glad for that and even though we were not really together we had sex any time we could.

This continued throughout the semester and we both knew we were graduating. We both had relationships on the side, and I met a girl that was into me at a party and started spending time with her.

She was the president of one of the sororities and when she met me she came up took off my hat and kissed me. I could smell the beer on her lips but she was pretty and had that look in her eyes that I knew she would be fun to hang out with and so we left together that night.

We spent many more nights together but it ended as quickly as it began and I was back to sleeping with my old girlfriend.

A few weeks later we graduated from college and we all went our separate ways. I lost track of many of these girls, I lost track of the times we spent and the love that I felt for them.

I can describe to you vivid details of our times together and tell you how I felt when I was with them but I no longer feel the heartache that I did. Eventually even after once again trying to start up the relationship with my first love I moved on. I met a girl in San Francisco that I fell madly in love with and we stayed together.

And while I know that I still love her, I wonder about what could have been if any of the others had worked out. There were many more that I did not mention. Girls that I loved in between the long relationships I had. Girls that I would spend many nights with doing nothing more than talking and watching the sunrise.

Even today with a half mended heart I wonder how my life would have been had I not come back from San Francisco, had I not invited her to live with me in Utah. I know that I may have never had my beautiful daughter and that is what convinces me it was right.

It may not be fate that brought us together, perhaps dumb luck, but I would not give up any of my time to not have my daughter part of my life. Maybe my life will change again soon, maybe I will end up loving someone else or like the rest of my family much happier with their second wife. Or maybe I will stay in this relationship and make it work. That is life and while it is much different than the novels or the movies, it is what I am part of every day.

Thursday, March 3, 2016

What a New Person Reveals About Your Current Relationship

I recently met someone that opened my eyes about life again.  She has shown me that I have a long time left in my life that I should not give up on things that I feel passionate about.

I lost quite a bit of myself when I lived in South Carolina.  It was a struggle everyday to appear happy and confident.  I was angry and sad and stopped writing and stopped caring. 

Even though I know that this relationship may not ever be more than a friendship, I am starting to feel passion again in life.  I see that there are people that can inspire you or be influential.  I see that my current relationship does not have any of that.

When I told my wife the other day that I was starting to write again, she told me, I should and that was that.

I know it is hard for her to talk about these things.  I used to stay up late with her and read her stories from the books that I was reading, and used to talk to her about life and love and living.

Now she is in bed by 8 and I no longer feel she is interested in what I have to say.  I know that she loves me, but is it that she is content rather than passionate?

I feel like I need to write to this new person and reveal my passion and emotions but I know that is not really what I should be doing.  So I am thankful for her showing this part of me again, but now I wonder why I ever lost it to begin with.

Emotionally I am an empty box.  A robot if you will.  I get up every morning to the same routine and go to sleep every night to the same routine.  My weekends are no exception other than I do not have to go to work.

I began writing again, I began reading some of my favorite literature again, I began listening to my favorite jazz again, and while I know it is because of this new person, it makes me wonder what have I been missing all these years.

I lost something in South Carolina, a big chunk of my life, but as this new person told me the other day, the best is yet to come.

O lost, and by the wind grieved, ghost, come back again, as first I knew you in the timeless valley, where we shall feel ourselves anew, bedded on magic in the month of June. There was a place where all the sun went glistening in your hair, and from the hill we could have put a finger on a star. Where is the day that melted into one rich noise? Where the music of your flesh, the rhyme of your teeth, the dainty languor of your legs, your small firm arms, your slender fingers, to be bitten like an apple, and the little cherry-teats of your white breasts? And where are all the tiny wires of finespun maidenhair? Quick are the mouths of earth, and quick the teeth that fed upon this loveliness. You who were made for music, will hear music no more: in your dark house the winds are silent. Ghost, ghost, come back from that marriage that we did not foresee, return not into life, but into magic, where we have never died, into the enchanted wood, where we still lie strewn on the grass. Come up into the hills, O my young love: return. O lost, and by the wind grieved, ghost, come back again.

Thomas Wolfe, Look Homeward Angel

Sunday, February 28, 2016

On Sadness

I found out today that one of my old bosses passed away today from liver cancer.  She was I believe 58 years old, way too young to go. She was not just a boss but a mentor, someone that taught me quite a bit about life and working and remaining humble.

We all live with tragedy.  We all deal with loss, but it is through this loss that we learn about ourselves. That we can all become better people and hopefully teach what was taught to us during our brief interactions with each other.

Each tragedy I reflect on my life and try to figure out how to become better. I would like to look back on my life and hope that I impacted someone's life and they cherish their time spent with me. I want my life experiences to reflect on my actions, to not be a bad person, or treat someone with disrespect or to just not be a positive influence.

I have lived through quite a bit of tragedy, as have we all. I am sure we all have stories of people that have touched us over the years and how we lost them much too early.

I have now lost three of the most influential people in my life, my mom, my best friend from college, and now my old boss. I would like to say that I am feeling glad that I knew them but really fuck that, these people died much too early.

I leave you with something that I listen to when I am feeling depressed and a bit hopeless, this is just a small excerpt of the entire poem, so please look it up and enjoy.  Sometimes you just need something more and I am sure we all can relate.
You need something to open up a new door
To show you something you seen before
But overlooked a hundred times or more
You need something to open your eyes
You need something to make it known
That it's you and no one else that owns
That spot that yer standing, that space that you're sitting
That the world ain't got you beat
That it ain't got you licked
It can't get you crazy no matter how many
Times you might get kicked
You need something special all right
You need something special to give you hope

Bob Dylan - Last Thoughts on Woody Guthrie

Wednesday, February 24, 2016


There are a few times in your life where you meet someone and once you get past that initial infatuation with the new experience things really start to click.

The conversation starts out flirty then transforms into intrigue and you want to continue talking with this person as long as you can.  There is a feeling of trust and of compassion, maybe it is because they are new and you want to share things with them but you find yourself sharing more than what you are used to. 

Intimate details of your life flow from your lips without regard to judgement.  I have always been an open person but there are some details of my life that I may share anonymously on the internet but shy away from face to face.

You begin to learn more about this person and everything they say you end up being more enamored. You feel like the boy on the first day of school when he realizes that the classmate he played with the year before has grown several inches and now is the most beautiful girl in school, and she is not interested in playing kickball or tag anymore. The summer was kind to those few.

Part of me feels like I am that boy, that maybe this person is unattainable, after all she is now more popular than ever, and that is why I am so infatuated, and part feels that had I met this person at a different time how my life would have changed.

As with every new relationship it is that discovery period that is so interesting.  Learning more about the person and understanding their passions. When you realize that their passions are the same as yours the intrigue deepens. 

Your mind is clouded with thoughts that you try to push away, after all you chose the life that you are in now and for the most part that cannot change.  But it becomes harder and harder to do so when you have those conversations that leave you insatiable.

Then you realize that you do not want it to be awkward, because you want this person to be part of your life even if it is just as a colleague.  You feel that if you made the mistake and pushed them away somehow you would miss their conversation and their company.  I have met a few people like that in my life and everyone of them is no longer part of it for various reasons.

It is through those connections that you begin to see the good in life again, there are people that can still make you feel that way.  There are those people that can inspire you to start writing again, and for that I am grateful.  Maybe it will never become what I think that I desire, but at the very least I can say I am happy to have met them.