Friday, March 13, 2015

New Underwear

So my wife went out and purchased some new bras the other day.  She was telling me about the conversation that she had with the salesperson and they let her know of some deals on some lingerie. She said that they were trying to push a matching set and she was telling them that her husband would definitely like that.

Now you have to understand my wife.  She has pretty much worn the same style of underwear for several years.  She bought a teddy once about 10 years ago that she would use to indicate when she wanted to have sex.

With her depression and other mental health issues she would find it hard to communicate her feelings with me so that was a way for her to open up.  Since those days I do not know if it even exists anymore.  I have not seen her wear it in about 8 years, maybe longer.

So much to my surprise when I was picking up the laundry from off of the floor of our bedroom and putting it into the basket I noticed a black thong.  It was not lace or anything, just a standard black thong.  I know she did buy some yoga pants and maybe that is what she was thinking when she bought those, but we talked about thongs years and years ago and she said she hated how they felt.

Which leads me to believe maybe she did buy them to get my interest.  I do not know.  I am not even sure if I should ask her about them.  I was thinking that I would playfully show them to her and see what her reaction is and then go from there.

I know the biggest issue she has has been her weight gain.  And while I tell her all the time that she looks great she has said that she does not feel good when we have sex because she feels bad that her fat moves around while we do it... as she said jiggly jiggly jiggly.

I also know that I have approached her about sex recently and she keeps putting it off and telling me she definitely is not ready to start trying again.

Maybe, this is a first step for her to start feeling sexy again, or maybe it is just a matter of comfort and looks for the yoga pants, I have no idea.  I just know that finding them had me hard this morning thinking about what she looked like wearing them.

Hopefully this weekend I can find out.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Repressed Sexual Society

43 year old man, 6'2" blue eyes brown hair, athletic build but not ripped, well adjusted, well groomed, successful and happy, seeking sex with anyone.

That would be my classified ad.  I am sure I would get all kinds of responses.  I am a good looking person on the inside and out.  I give back to society, I volunteer, I have only committed a handful of very minor crimes that probably 99 percent of society has also committed.

I am in a loving relationship, I take care of my daughter, I provide for my family, so why is it so hard to have sex when I want it?

I hear from a lot of people that once you get married the sex stops.  Why?  It is not like you do not love your partner anymore?  Was sex just a way of getting the person to marry you and now that you have succeeded you no longer need to do it?

The comments from my wife's side of the family all tell her that she should have sex with me because that is what a wife does for their husband, but really should it not be that she wants to have sex with me?

My wife has a problem with intimacy as I have mentioned on here before.  But I do not need intimacy, I need raw pulse pounding non-stop fucking.  The kind that leaves you breathless and exhausted, covered in sweat.  The kind that leaves you sore but happy and ready for even more despite the aches.  The kind that you grab the back of her hair and pound hard into her making the neighbors hear the bed hitting the wall.

I love my wife, but honestly having that type of sex does not need love.  Why make things difficult to the point where she does not want to have sex with me but does not want me to have sex at all.  It is not like I would leave her or love her any less.  I would just be able to let go of my sexual tension and probably would be a much happier person.

But in this situation I would be considered a cheater.  Is that because we live in a sexually repressed society.  One that we can not discuss sex without the thought of marriage.  Of course I am not talking about going out to craigslist and fucking the first person I meet.  It would be safe and consensual and mutual in the fact that it would not be a relationship.

We have discussed an open relationship in the past.  Discussed the idea and then it was brushed away like every other conversation we have about sex.  She went so far as to say she would allow it but when I brought it up again she dismissed it.

I am left now to my own devices, my internet porn, my chatting with women that are too far away for me to act out any of my fantasies but I can still imagine what it would be like.

Why does it have to be this way?  I am not religious, marriage is not a sacred institution.  I am devoted to my wife and family, just want a bit of action from time to time.  I want pure passion, uninhibited sex with someone that wants the same with me.  Is that too much to ask for?

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Attitude

This may be a rambling post so I am warning you now...

Where am I in my life, where am I ultimately heading. I have spent a lot of time on these questions over the past few months. Questions that I have no immediate answer to but need to come to some resolution in the next month or two.

My career, despite my effort, is in a decline. Predictors years ago were evident to this fact and while I was the one holding the sign of the impending doom, I was treated the same way as a mentally ill man on the street predicting the apocalypse. We all discussed the problems at length but no one in upper management seemed to listen to us workers. Economic indicators all said things will turn around, and they have, but in a different market than the one that we are in.

So three years ago when I kept saying we need to change markets, they kept saying it will get better. I hate to be the one that says I told you so, but in this case it is my future that is being affected.

Yes, I should have made all the plans to move on last year or even before that, but I kept thinking that maybe they were right and I was wrong, afterall they all make six figure salaries so they should know much more than I do about this.

Inevitably as I see all my coworkers slowly leaving the company, or in this case being let go or having their salary reduced to poverty levels, I think about why I am still sitting at this computer hoping for a turn around or some sort of realization on the part of management.

In the past few weeks I have been giving more work, more responsibility, more stress and have not seen a dime from any of it, all the while I do the work because if I don't I will be facing the same as my coworkers.  I am now a proposal manager, a project manager, business developer and all this in addition to being the IT supervisor for the office as well as anything else they can dump on me because they let the six other people that used to do these things go.

In a different industry or a different situation I would welcome all those things because it advances my career to where I should be right now, but having not seen any kind of raise in the past six years and the ultimately anguish of not knowing what tomorrow will bring leaves me stressed to the point where I mentally check out of work for periods of time.

It is to the point where I can not complain to my wife anymore because she is tired of hearing how the company has made poor decisions over the past six years and I have to suffer because of it.  Even though I knew the state of the economy long before any of the people that make the decisions seemed to know it. Either that or they just refused to make the necessary changes or maybe they did not know what to do and that is even worse.

I once was told that they were not interested in commercial work because there is too much risk involved in it. To me it is simple economics, we have to have work in order to have risk. If we refuse one line of work due to risk and the other line of work has not produced any new jobs in a decade, which is riskier?

To them it is simple risk analysis, if you do not have any work there is no risk to manage. Of course I joke about that but sometimes I wonder if that is really what they think.

So lately I have started thinking about my future. I have the attitude that I rarely give up on things that are failing, but to what consequence. If I have no power over whether or not this company fails in the long run, then what I am really working for.

The sad reality is that if/when I leave there will be a huge loss for the company. It is almost to the point where I hold together a lot of the work that we are doing, so my departure would be a huge blow to this division and could ultimately accelerate the decline to a point of no return. But on the other hand I have to think of myself. The company will not think of me when they are closing the doors.

These past few years have been some of the most successful in my career, especially after moving to a new location. I need to capitalize on those successes and find a company that will reward me for all that I have accomplished.

I finally need to accept that I can not change the attitude of the company I work for, but I can find a different company that fits my attitude and my future goals much better.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

A Different Time

Opening up the glove box of my late model sedan I found an old cassette tape that reminded me of a simpler time.  It was an old Bob Dylan tape, cracked case and dirty dust jacket, but it looked like it still worked.  The album was Highway 61 and I thought back to when I last listened to it on cassette and remembered that period of my life.

It was a time that I let the music define me.  I would listen to Jimi Hendrix or Bob Dylan and act mysterious, hoping that the girls that I dated would remember me for that.  Thinking back I can only laugh at how pathetic that seems.

Do not get me wrong, I never experienced the make-up wearing angst-ridden youth of the 80s wearing nothing but black and thinking their lives were so miserable.  It was just a phase I went through that I enjoyed the mind altering and often depressing lyrics of Jimi and Bob.  This was still during my years as a dead head so I did not stray far from the type of music that I typically enjoyed.

I remember one girl making a comment as we drove in the car with Desolation Row playing in the background, with the harmonica blaring through the speakers.  She said she pictured me drinking whiskey and listening to the lyrics of You're gonna make me lonesome when you go.

Often I thought of trying to be that mysterious guys that the girls remember me for the music we listened to in the car.  I went through phases.  I started always as a dead head.  In my college years I listened to psych rock and Bob Dylan, as I approached graduation I made my way to jazz.  Not your Kenny G type of jazz but 50s Miles Davis and John Coltrane type stuff.  The kind that made you sit back and try to figure out how they could play so fast.

I think jazz is where I stopped letting the music define me and I defined the music for me.  I no longer cared if the woman I was dating thought of me as mysterious and I never tried to sway them to listen to jazz.  Although a dinner at Sweet Basils in New York City with a jazz session afterward was always a sure thing for a date.

These last few years I do not have a type of music that I listen to on a daily basis.  The music depends on my mood.  I still favor the psych rock and the dead but I have come to enjoy some of the pop genre and music my daughter listens to.  I will put on some Taylor Swift and dance around while I am cleaning the house, or I will play some Miles while I try to work on some writing or business ideas.

For me, Highway 61 brought back those memories, memories of a different time, a different person. One that I am glad has changed, although I have no regrets for being who I was.

Friday, January 23, 2015

Porn Discovery

I was a normal teen.  I had a stack of magazines under my bed that I used to look at when I had alone time.  You know, the ones with the fold out pictures in the middle.
I also had a girlfriend that was pretty open sexually, but still as inexperienced as I was.

At times she would come over my house and spend some time in my room.  We typically did not do much in my room, since most of the times my parents were downstairs and we could not risk it.

One day I left her alone while I went down to get something to eat.  That is when she discovered my collection.  As I was walking back up the stairs I could hear her talking on the phone.  I had a separate line in my room that I once used as a connection for my computer.  Yes, I know, I was somewhat of a geek back then.

She was clearly upset and talking with her sister.  When I walked in, she had the stack of magazines in front of her and was flipping through it as she cried to her sister.

"They were under his bed," I heard her say.  "I don't know." She spoke to the voice on the other end.

I walked in and she quickly told her sister that she had to go and when she made eye contact she was crying.  I went over to her and asked her what she was doing.

She told me she found them and was upset that I would be looking at the pictures and not at her.

I explained that I looked at the pictures when she was not around and that it had nothing to do with me not liking her.

She then point blank asked me if I masturbated to them.  I had never been confronted with this type of question from anyone at the time.  Masturbation was still that unspoken thing that all boys did.

I replied honestly and said, "Yes I do.  But it still does not mean that I do not care for you or think about you sexual."

She told me that is what her sister said.  Her sister told her that all guys masturbate, and that it really is no big deal.  As long as it is not some pictures of an old girlfriend then she should not be upset with me at all.

I walked over to her and told her if she wanted me to I would get rid of them.  She said she did and so I did what I had to do and put them in the garbage can out in the garage.

It was not long after that she told me she should not have reacted that way and that it was okay if I had some magazines to look at.

We went on to a crazy sexual relationship, although we never did watch porn or look at magazines together, but almost every crazy thing that I have done sexual I pretty much did with her.

I wonder why people react a particular way about porn.  I know my wife does not like it at all, she thinks it is gross.  I tend to watch porn and or look at pictures on a daily basis, it does not mean that I don't love my wife.  Actually for the most part I get turned on and typically it makes the sex that much better.

Like when my girlfriend was finally comfortable with the porn, she would come up to me and say that she wanted to try something she read somewhere or saw in a movie and we did and it was fantastic.

Of course I am writing this on a blog that is pretty much devoted to sex, but I still wonder why people react that way to something that can be extremely fun to participate in.  There are videos for couples that are not the crazy stuff that some of the extreme porn has become, and if my wife wanted to watch those I would be extremely happy.

To me, porn is a release, a way to explore my desires when my wife is not in the mood.  So what is truly wrong with watching a bit of porn?

Thursday, December 11, 2014

On Writing

So as always this post has taken me a few days to write.  And the whole point of this post was to talk about the fact that you have to keep writing everyday in order to be a better writer.

Guess I need to follow these rules a lot more often.

What I originally wanted to say was that I find it very hard to find enough time in the day to write.  I usually have time in the evenings but never feel like writing then.  The mornings are way to hectic and when I am at work I am usually much too busy.  Plus writing a story about sex is probably not a good idea on a work computer.

I have often thought about buying a new computer so I can write while I am sitting in my living room.  My last laptop is pretty much unusable and my desktop is in my bedroom which creates problems if my wife wants to go to sleep early.

I have not had a need for a laptop for the most part since I usually bring my work computer home on the weekends and use that for everything else.  But since one of my goals for 2015 is to write more I need to find an alternative.

Originally I thought about buying a new desktop and getting a tablet for the living room.  I can attach a keyboard and write whenever the urge presents itself.  And that is what I will probably do at some point but finances have not been the greatest right now.

The other problem is inspiration.  Sex has been non-existent for me for a little bit and every bit of inspiration I have had in the past has also been hard to find.  As many know I typically try to write from experience, but if I lack experience recently then what do I really have to write about.

I keep up on the reading of the other blogs and I see that some incorporate everyday activities into sexual stories, which is what I may have to do.  But again recently things have been a little slow in that aspect.

A few months ago I formed a LLC for some of the side work that I do.  I was designing websites briefly and still have some work that I do.  Part of the reasoning I formed the LLC, or reformed since I had one about 5 years ago, was to start writing more stories.

I was briefly a news reporter and magazine writer, so I thought maybe I could start writing again and make some money at it.  I could create the website, build the content and hope that advertisers would want to post their products.  At the very least if I could make a few hundred dollars from the site I would be happy.

Of course this is the problem that I have.  Finding the time to do all this.  If writing takes a long time for me, how will I be able to design my own site and build the content.

My twitter feed is filled with people that make a pretty good living at writing, especially erotica.  But they tend to write every single day.  Maybe I need to just set a time and a place for me to do my writing and stick to a schedule everyday.

I have said this before, that I need to update the blog much more often and I go a few days and keep it up but after a week or two I am back to my old habits.

One day I will figure this thing out.  Hopefully sometime soon.

Monday, November 3, 2014

43

I wonder all the time how I got here.  Trying to figure out the decisions I made over the years that have led me to this exact situation that I find myself in.

Watching Supernatural the other day, an older season on Netflix, there was a question of fate.  That whether the decisions that we make during the course of our lives would actually lead to different outcomes.  The character on the show basically said that there was no such thing.  That every decision we make would change the path slightly but the end would always be the same no matter what happened.

As a atheist I would think that decisions would always have an impact on life, but sometimes I wonder that no matter what I do or do not do the outcome always seems to be the same.  And it is how you react to this outcome that shapes your life for the future.

There are always times where I could have changed the decision that led me here, but would I ultimately find my way to this place regardless of the choices I make?

Would things be any different?  As a scientist I know everything strives towards some sort of equilibrium.  That where there is an action there is an equal reaction that ultimately cancels it out, and also when the balance is out of whack bad things happen.

I reflect on these decisions that have changed my life and wonder about the balance of things at the time.  These types of thoughts always seem to happen at my birthday.  As I become another year older I look back at my life and see what types of things I did over the past year and how it affects my next year.  I almost always end up depressed because I see myself getting older but I am not any more secure financially or emotionally than I was 20 years ago.

The choices I make over the year always seem to change my life at the time that I make them but ultimately I find myself in the same place I was at the beginning of the year before.

That is the balance of things.  That is the equilibrium that my life seems to strive for.

This is why I never make any resolutions at the beginning of the year.  No matter what I decide I am going to change my life always seems to be the same.  The things that do change, my location, my hair or clothes have relatively no impact on what my year ends up becoming.

Even when I changed my job years ago, thinking it was for the better I find myself in the same position I was 10 years ago, wondering what I really want to do for the next 10 years.

So that brings me back to the story in Supernatural.  Do we really have no control over our ultimate fate?  Do our actions or changes large and small in our lives really not have any lasting impact?

This is always the time where someone will say that you have to live in the moment.  Enjoy what you have and not wonder about what you did or did not doing during your life that would make a difference.  And I always do live in the moment.  But it seems the week before and after my birthday I reflect on those other moments during the year that makes this moment possible and wonder if things could have been different or will they always lead me to the same place?

So here is to becoming 43.  One year older, not any wiser, and still at the same job I took when I was 33.  My life is good, I can't complain, I just wonder where I will go from here.