Thursday, April 16, 2015

Ramblings

It is snowing today.  An April storm so not much of one, other than it has been coming down all day but the roads are still clear.

I quit my job a week ago.  The stress of not knowing what the future will hold for my career was enough for me to leave the company.  As a company we have been doing okay, but our division is slowly going down hill.  So I had to take care of myself.

The job I found is better pay, better benefits, less stressful, rock solid and all those other things, but it may be less exciting and a bit more of a commute.  I do use that term commute lightly since I am going to 9 miles to 17 miles, but still no highway driving and no traffic.

It is also four ten hour days, so I go early and leave late but have Fridays off.

I have not had sex in several months.  Honestly I can not remember the last time.  My wife is in the midst of some personal issues that I have just seemed to let her be and hope at some point we can start talking about it again.

I am uncertain as to how to bring it up without her getting upset.  We were at a point where we could talk about it but we have falling into the same old routine now.

I am extremely happy with almost all aspects of my life, aside from the sexual frustrations.  This summer should be a blast and am looking forward to everything that happens.  We bought season tickets for the local sports team and are planning on attending as many games as possible.

A few weeks ago I developed bronchitis and have had a cough since.  That has limited my appetite and I am losing weight right now, but that is a good thing because I wanted to lose weight so when I am healthy enough to lift weights I can concentrate on leaner muscle.

I also quit drinking alcohol, although that may change again soon.  I went to an event at a downtown bar that had free whiskey for four hours and drank too much and ended up throwing up all over myself and the nice yuppie street I was hanging out on.

My wife had to come pick me up because I was basically passed out drunk on the street, it is a good thing that I did not get arrested.  And now even the smell of alcohol makes me queasy, and not just whiskey or hard alcohol that goes for beer too.

And I used to love having a beer.

However, the guys I work with are taking me out tomorrow night for some beers.  I am still debating whether I will drink or not.  I think I will play it by ear.  Either way I will probably only have one.

I ebb and flow in my writing.  I would like to write more but never have much to say anymore.  So I just don't write anything and then feel bad that I am not keeping up on this thing.

Oh well, just figured I would post some of the things that have been going on.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Expect the Worst

So I am a glass half full type of guy, at least for most things.  I tend to try to see the good in things and people and give them the benefit of the doubt.

Over the years I have had some extremely tough situations to deal with and have always seem to come out better in the long run.  Although a few were set backs that have taken years to overcome.

Now I am about to change jobs again, after 10 years of being in the same company.  I am completely looking forward to the new job the new change and all the things that come with it.  It is better pay, better benefits, a bit of a longer commute but still easy, and the most important thing, unless I am grossly negligent it is a very secure job.

The industry I am in now is extremely volatile, companies are in the midst of layoffs or cutting hours and contracts are few and far between.  So job security is extremely important to me now especially as I look towards the future where I have braces, a home purchase and ultimately college to look forward to.

So when something disrupts the norm I start to get extremely worried and draw the worst conclusions.  Like the last few days I have been having issues with my truck.  It is 11 years old but only has 121k miles, so it still has been running great.  But when things start going bad I expect the worst and essentially hope for the best.

This morning I was looking up all the things that could be the problem and came to the conclusion of a blown head gasket... now that in itself is not a terrible issue, other than it costs a lot to replace.  But I started thinking, what if there is something major with the engine, all the nice extra income will be wiped out with a new car payment.

The same thing happened with my boss.  When I was giving my two weeks notice, I became really worried that he was going to fire me on the spot.  Which would not have been a terrible thing but still would have screwed me out of my last paycheck which should be about $1700.  So I started freaking out and saying that if that happened I would call the corporate office and really let them have it.

Of course in both situations things did not happen as I expected.  My boss was happy for me and even said that he would talk with corporate and see if they could offer me more money.

And my truck, although I am not 100% certain, but it seems to be more of a faulty radiator cap, a $4 fix.

Why do I always expect the worst?  Maybe because I can prepare myself for those things and then be happy when they do not happen.  Or maybe I just have a worried side to me.  I was the type of kid that would throw up before his tests, that could not eat anything before giving a speech or anything that would make me nervous.

One thing is for certain, there is a lot of change in my household right now and everything seems to be pointing towards good things, but I still worry.

Friday, March 13, 2015

New Underwear

So my wife went out and purchased some new bras the other day.  She was telling me about the conversation that she had with the salesperson and they let her know of some deals on some lingerie. She said that they were trying to push a matching set and she was telling them that her husband would definitely like that.

Now you have to understand my wife.  She has pretty much worn the same style of underwear for several years.  She bought a teddy once about 10 years ago that she would use to indicate when she wanted to have sex.

With her depression and other mental health issues she would find it hard to communicate her feelings with me so that was a way for her to open up.  Since those days I do not know if it even exists anymore.  I have not seen her wear it in about 8 years, maybe longer.

So much to my surprise when I was picking up the laundry from off of the floor of our bedroom and putting it into the basket I noticed a black thong.  It was not lace or anything, just a standard black thong.  I know she did buy some yoga pants and maybe that is what she was thinking when she bought those, but we talked about thongs years and years ago and she said she hated how they felt.

Which leads me to believe maybe she did buy them to get my interest.  I do not know.  I am not even sure if I should ask her about them.  I was thinking that I would playfully show them to her and see what her reaction is and then go from there.

I know the biggest issue she has has been her weight gain.  And while I tell her all the time that she looks great she has said that she does not feel good when we have sex because she feels bad that her fat moves around while we do it... as she said jiggly jiggly jiggly.

I also know that I have approached her about sex recently and she keeps putting it off and telling me she definitely is not ready to start trying again.

Maybe, this is a first step for her to start feeling sexy again, or maybe it is just a matter of comfort and looks for the yoga pants, I have no idea.  I just know that finding them had me hard this morning thinking about what she looked like wearing them.

Hopefully this weekend I can find out.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Repressed Sexual Society

43 year old man, 6'2" blue eyes brown hair, athletic build but not ripped, well adjusted, well groomed, successful and happy, seeking sex with anyone.

That would be my classified ad.  I am sure I would get all kinds of responses.  I am a good looking person on the inside and out.  I give back to society, I volunteer, I have only committed a handful of very minor crimes that probably 99 percent of society has also committed.

I am in a loving relationship, I take care of my daughter, I provide for my family, so why is it so hard to have sex when I want it?

I hear from a lot of people that once you get married the sex stops.  Why?  It is not like you do not love your partner anymore?  Was sex just a way of getting the person to marry you and now that you have succeeded you no longer need to do it?

The comments from my wife's side of the family all tell her that she should have sex with me because that is what a wife does for their husband, but really should it not be that she wants to have sex with me?

My wife has a problem with intimacy as I have mentioned on here before.  But I do not need intimacy, I need raw pulse pounding non-stop fucking.  The kind that leaves you breathless and exhausted, covered in sweat.  The kind that leaves you sore but happy and ready for even more despite the aches.  The kind that you grab the back of her hair and pound hard into her making the neighbors hear the bed hitting the wall.

I love my wife, but honestly having that type of sex does not need love.  Why make things difficult to the point where she does not want to have sex with me but does not want me to have sex at all.  It is not like I would leave her or love her any less.  I would just be able to let go of my sexual tension and probably would be a much happier person.

But in this situation I would be considered a cheater.  Is that because we live in a sexually repressed society.  One that we can not discuss sex without the thought of marriage.  Of course I am not talking about going out to craigslist and fucking the first person I meet.  It would be safe and consensual and mutual in the fact that it would not be a relationship.

We have discussed an open relationship in the past.  Discussed the idea and then it was brushed away like every other conversation we have about sex.  She went so far as to say she would allow it but when I brought it up again she dismissed it.

I am left now to my own devices, my internet porn, my chatting with women that are too far away for me to act out any of my fantasies but I can still imagine what it would be like.

Why does it have to be this way?  I am not religious, marriage is not a sacred institution.  I am devoted to my wife and family, just want a bit of action from time to time.  I want pure passion, uninhibited sex with someone that wants the same with me.  Is that too much to ask for?

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Attitude

This may be a rambling post so I am warning you now...

Where am I in my life, where am I ultimately heading. I have spent a lot of time on these questions over the past few months. Questions that I have no immediate answer to but need to come to some resolution in the next month or two.

My career, despite my effort, is in a decline. Predictors years ago were evident to this fact and while I was the one holding the sign of the impending doom, I was treated the same way as a mentally ill man on the street predicting the apocalypse. We all discussed the problems at length but no one in upper management seemed to listen to us workers. Economic indicators all said things will turn around, and they have, but in a different market than the one that we are in.

So three years ago when I kept saying we need to change markets, they kept saying it will get better. I hate to be the one that says I told you so, but in this case it is my future that is being affected.

Yes, I should have made all the plans to move on last year or even before that, but I kept thinking that maybe they were right and I was wrong, afterall they all make six figure salaries so they should know much more than I do about this.

Inevitably as I see all my coworkers slowly leaving the company, or in this case being let go or having their salary reduced to poverty levels, I think about why I am still sitting at this computer hoping for a turn around or some sort of realization on the part of management.

In the past few weeks I have been giving more work, more responsibility, more stress and have not seen a dime from any of it, all the while I do the work because if I don't I will be facing the same as my coworkers.  I am now a proposal manager, a project manager, business developer and all this in addition to being the IT supervisor for the office as well as anything else they can dump on me because they let the six other people that used to do these things go.

In a different industry or a different situation I would welcome all those things because it advances my career to where I should be right now, but having not seen any kind of raise in the past six years and the ultimately anguish of not knowing what tomorrow will bring leaves me stressed to the point where I mentally check out of work for periods of time.

It is to the point where I can not complain to my wife anymore because she is tired of hearing how the company has made poor decisions over the past six years and I have to suffer because of it.  Even though I knew the state of the economy long before any of the people that make the decisions seemed to know it. Either that or they just refused to make the necessary changes or maybe they did not know what to do and that is even worse.

I once was told that they were not interested in commercial work because there is too much risk involved in it. To me it is simple economics, we have to have work in order to have risk. If we refuse one line of work due to risk and the other line of work has not produced any new jobs in a decade, which is riskier?

To them it is simple risk analysis, if you do not have any work there is no risk to manage. Of course I joke about that but sometimes I wonder if that is really what they think.

So lately I have started thinking about my future. I have the attitude that I rarely give up on things that are failing, but to what consequence. If I have no power over whether or not this company fails in the long run, then what I am really working for.

The sad reality is that if/when I leave there will be a huge loss for the company. It is almost to the point where I hold together a lot of the work that we are doing, so my departure would be a huge blow to this division and could ultimately accelerate the decline to a point of no return. But on the other hand I have to think of myself. The company will not think of me when they are closing the doors.

These past few years have been some of the most successful in my career, especially after moving to a new location. I need to capitalize on those successes and find a company that will reward me for all that I have accomplished.

I finally need to accept that I can not change the attitude of the company I work for, but I can find a different company that fits my attitude and my future goals much better.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

A Different Time

Opening up the glove box of my late model sedan I found an old cassette tape that reminded me of a simpler time.  It was an old Bob Dylan tape, cracked case and dirty dust jacket, but it looked like it still worked.  The album was Highway 61 and I thought back to when I last listened to it on cassette and remembered that period of my life.

It was a time that I let the music define me.  I would listen to Jimi Hendrix or Bob Dylan and act mysterious, hoping that the girls that I dated would remember me for that.  Thinking back I can only laugh at how pathetic that seems.

Do not get me wrong, I never experienced the make-up wearing angst-ridden youth of the 80s wearing nothing but black and thinking their lives were so miserable.  It was just a phase I went through that I enjoyed the mind altering and often depressing lyrics of Jimi and Bob.  This was still during my years as a dead head so I did not stray far from the type of music that I typically enjoyed.

I remember one girl making a comment as we drove in the car with Desolation Row playing in the background, with the harmonica blaring through the speakers.  She said she pictured me drinking whiskey and listening to the lyrics of You're gonna make me lonesome when you go.

Often I thought of trying to be that mysterious guys that the girls remember me for the music we listened to in the car.  I went through phases.  I started always as a dead head.  In my college years I listened to psych rock and Bob Dylan, as I approached graduation I made my way to jazz.  Not your Kenny G type of jazz but 50s Miles Davis and John Coltrane type stuff.  The kind that made you sit back and try to figure out how they could play so fast.

I think jazz is where I stopped letting the music define me and I defined the music for me.  I no longer cared if the woman I was dating thought of me as mysterious and I never tried to sway them to listen to jazz.  Although a dinner at Sweet Basils in New York City with a jazz session afterward was always a sure thing for a date.

These last few years I do not have a type of music that I listen to on a daily basis.  The music depends on my mood.  I still favor the psych rock and the dead but I have come to enjoy some of the pop genre and music my daughter listens to.  I will put on some Taylor Swift and dance around while I am cleaning the house, or I will play some Miles while I try to work on some writing or business ideas.

For me, Highway 61 brought back those memories, memories of a different time, a different person. One that I am glad has changed, although I have no regrets for being who I was.

Friday, January 23, 2015

Porn Discovery

I was a normal teen.  I had a stack of magazines under my bed that I used to look at when I had alone time.  You know, the ones with the fold out pictures in the middle.
I also had a girlfriend that was pretty open sexually, but still as inexperienced as I was.

At times she would come over my house and spend some time in my room.  We typically did not do much in my room, since most of the times my parents were downstairs and we could not risk it.

One day I left her alone while I went down to get something to eat.  That is when she discovered my collection.  As I was walking back up the stairs I could hear her talking on the phone.  I had a separate line in my room that I once used as a connection for my computer.  Yes, I know, I was somewhat of a geek back then.

She was clearly upset and talking with her sister.  When I walked in, she had the stack of magazines in front of her and was flipping through it as she cried to her sister.

"They were under his bed," I heard her say.  "I don't know." She spoke to the voice on the other end.

I walked in and she quickly told her sister that she had to go and when she made eye contact she was crying.  I went over to her and asked her what she was doing.

She told me she found them and was upset that I would be looking at the pictures and not at her.

I explained that I looked at the pictures when she was not around and that it had nothing to do with me not liking her.

She then point blank asked me if I masturbated to them.  I had never been confronted with this type of question from anyone at the time.  Masturbation was still that unspoken thing that all boys did.

I replied honestly and said, "Yes I do.  But it still does not mean that I do not care for you or think about you sexual."

She told me that is what her sister said.  Her sister told her that all guys masturbate, and that it really is no big deal.  As long as it is not some pictures of an old girlfriend then she should not be upset with me at all.

I walked over to her and told her if she wanted me to I would get rid of them.  She said she did and so I did what I had to do and put them in the garbage can out in the garage.

It was not long after that she told me she should not have reacted that way and that it was okay if I had some magazines to look at.

We went on to a crazy sexual relationship, although we never did watch porn or look at magazines together, but almost every crazy thing that I have done sexual I pretty much did with her.

I wonder why people react a particular way about porn.  I know my wife does not like it at all, she thinks it is gross.  I tend to watch porn and or look at pictures on a daily basis, it does not mean that I don't love my wife.  Actually for the most part I get turned on and typically it makes the sex that much better.

Like when my girlfriend was finally comfortable with the porn, she would come up to me and say that she wanted to try something she read somewhere or saw in a movie and we did and it was fantastic.

Of course I am writing this on a blog that is pretty much devoted to sex, but I still wonder why people react that way to something that can be extremely fun to participate in.  There are videos for couples that are not the crazy stuff that some of the extreme porn has become, and if my wife wanted to watch those I would be extremely happy.

To me, porn is a release, a way to explore my desires when my wife is not in the mood.  So what is truly wrong with watching a bit of porn?