Wednesday, February 4, 2015

A Different Time

Opening up the glove box of my late model sedan I found an old cassette tape that reminded me of a simpler time.  It was an old Bob Dylan tape, cracked case and dirty dust jacket, but it looked like it still worked.  The album was Highway 61 and I thought back to when I last listened to it on cassette and remembered that period of my life.

It was a time that I let the music define me.  I would listen to Jimi Hendrix or Bob Dylan and act mysterious, hoping that the girls that I dated would remember me for that.  Thinking back I can only laugh at how pathetic that seems.

Do not get me wrong, I never experienced the make-up wearing angst-ridden youth of the 80s wearing nothing but black and thinking their lives were so miserable.  It was just a phase I went through that I enjoyed the mind altering and often depressing lyrics of Jimi and Bob.  This was still during my years as a dead head so I did not stray far from the type of music that I typically enjoyed.

I remember one girl making a comment as we drove in the car with Desolation Row playing in the background, with the harmonica blaring through the speakers.  She said she pictured me drinking whiskey and listening to the lyrics of You're gonna make me lonesome when you go.

Often I thought of trying to be that mysterious guys that the girls remember me for the music we listened to in the car.  I went through phases.  I started always as a dead head.  In my college years I listened to psych rock and Bob Dylan, as I approached graduation I made my way to jazz.  Not your Kenny G type of jazz but 50s Miles Davis and John Coltrane type stuff.  The kind that made you sit back and try to figure out how they could play so fast.

I think jazz is where I stopped letting the music define me and I defined the music for me.  I no longer cared if the woman I was dating thought of me as mysterious and I never tried to sway them to listen to jazz.  Although a dinner at Sweet Basils in New York City with a jazz session afterward was always a sure thing for a date.

These last few years I do not have a type of music that I listen to on a daily basis.  The music depends on my mood.  I still favor the psych rock and the dead but I have come to enjoy some of the pop genre and music my daughter listens to.  I will put on some Taylor Swift and dance around while I am cleaning the house, or I will play some Miles while I try to work on some writing or business ideas.

For me, Highway 61 brought back those memories, memories of a different time, a different person. One that I am glad has changed, although I have no regrets for being who I was.

Friday, January 23, 2015

Porn Discovery

I was a normal teen.  I had a stack of magazines under my bed that I used to look at when I had alone time.  You know, the ones with the fold out pictures in the middle.
I also had a girlfriend that was pretty open sexually, but still as inexperienced as I was.

At times she would come over my house and spend some time in my room.  We typically did not do much in my room, since most of the times my parents were downstairs and we could not risk it.

One day I left her alone while I went down to get something to eat.  That is when she discovered my collection.  As I was walking back up the stairs I could hear her talking on the phone.  I had a separate line in my room that I once used as a connection for my computer.  Yes, I know, I was somewhat of a geek back then.

She was clearly upset and talking with her sister.  When I walked in, she had the stack of magazines in front of her and was flipping through it as she cried to her sister.

"They were under his bed," I heard her say.  "I don't know." She spoke to the voice on the other end.

I walked in and she quickly told her sister that she had to go and when she made eye contact she was crying.  I went over to her and asked her what she was doing.

She told me she found them and was upset that I would be looking at the pictures and not at her.

I explained that I looked at the pictures when she was not around and that it had nothing to do with me not liking her.

She then point blank asked me if I masturbated to them.  I had never been confronted with this type of question from anyone at the time.  Masturbation was still that unspoken thing that all boys did.

I replied honestly and said, "Yes I do.  But it still does not mean that I do not care for you or think about you sexual."

She told me that is what her sister said.  Her sister told her that all guys masturbate, and that it really is no big deal.  As long as it is not some pictures of an old girlfriend then she should not be upset with me at all.

I walked over to her and told her if she wanted me to I would get rid of them.  She said she did and so I did what I had to do and put them in the garbage can out in the garage.

It was not long after that she told me she should not have reacted that way and that it was okay if I had some magazines to look at.

We went on to a crazy sexual relationship, although we never did watch porn or look at magazines together, but almost every crazy thing that I have done sexual I pretty much did with her.

I wonder why people react a particular way about porn.  I know my wife does not like it at all, she thinks it is gross.  I tend to watch porn and or look at pictures on a daily basis, it does not mean that I don't love my wife.  Actually for the most part I get turned on and typically it makes the sex that much better.

Like when my girlfriend was finally comfortable with the porn, she would come up to me and say that she wanted to try something she read somewhere or saw in a movie and we did and it was fantastic.

Of course I am writing this on a blog that is pretty much devoted to sex, but I still wonder why people react that way to something that can be extremely fun to participate in.  There are videos for couples that are not the crazy stuff that some of the extreme porn has become, and if my wife wanted to watch those I would be extremely happy.

To me, porn is a release, a way to explore my desires when my wife is not in the mood.  So what is truly wrong with watching a bit of porn?

Thursday, December 11, 2014

On Writing

So as always this post has taken me a few days to write.  And the whole point of this post was to talk about the fact that you have to keep writing everyday in order to be a better writer.

Guess I need to follow these rules a lot more often.

What I originally wanted to say was that I find it very hard to find enough time in the day to write.  I usually have time in the evenings but never feel like writing then.  The mornings are way to hectic and when I am at work I am usually much too busy.  Plus writing a story about sex is probably not a good idea on a work computer.

I have often thought about buying a new computer so I can write while I am sitting in my living room.  My last laptop is pretty much unusable and my desktop is in my bedroom which creates problems if my wife wants to go to sleep early.

I have not had a need for a laptop for the most part since I usually bring my work computer home on the weekends and use that for everything else.  But since one of my goals for 2015 is to write more I need to find an alternative.

Originally I thought about buying a new desktop and getting a tablet for the living room.  I can attach a keyboard and write whenever the urge presents itself.  And that is what I will probably do at some point but finances have not been the greatest right now.

The other problem is inspiration.  Sex has been non-existent for me for a little bit and every bit of inspiration I have had in the past has also been hard to find.  As many know I typically try to write from experience, but if I lack experience recently then what do I really have to write about.

I keep up on the reading of the other blogs and I see that some incorporate everyday activities into sexual stories, which is what I may have to do.  But again recently things have been a little slow in that aspect.

A few months ago I formed a LLC for some of the side work that I do.  I was designing websites briefly and still have some work that I do.  Part of the reasoning I formed the LLC, or reformed since I had one about 5 years ago, was to start writing more stories.

I was briefly a news reporter and magazine writer, so I thought maybe I could start writing again and make some money at it.  I could create the website, build the content and hope that advertisers would want to post their products.  At the very least if I could make a few hundred dollars from the site I would be happy.

Of course this is the problem that I have.  Finding the time to do all this.  If writing takes a long time for me, how will I be able to design my own site and build the content.

My twitter feed is filled with people that make a pretty good living at writing, especially erotica.  But they tend to write every single day.  Maybe I need to just set a time and a place for me to do my writing and stick to a schedule everyday.

I have said this before, that I need to update the blog much more often and I go a few days and keep it up but after a week or two I am back to my old habits.

One day I will figure this thing out.  Hopefully sometime soon.

Monday, November 3, 2014

43

I wonder all the time how I got here.  Trying to figure out the decisions I made over the years that have led me to this exact situation that I find myself in.

Watching Supernatural the other day, an older season on Netflix, there was a question of fate.  That whether the decisions that we make during the course of our lives would actually lead to different outcomes.  The character on the show basically said that there was no such thing.  That every decision we make would change the path slightly but the end would always be the same no matter what happened.

As a atheist I would think that decisions would always have an impact on life, but sometimes I wonder that no matter what I do or do not do the outcome always seems to be the same.  And it is how you react to this outcome that shapes your life for the future.

There are always times where I could have changed the decision that led me here, but would I ultimately find my way to this place regardless of the choices I make?

Would things be any different?  As a scientist I know everything strives towards some sort of equilibrium.  That where there is an action there is an equal reaction that ultimately cancels it out, and also when the balance is out of whack bad things happen.

I reflect on these decisions that have changed my life and wonder about the balance of things at the time.  These types of thoughts always seem to happen at my birthday.  As I become another year older I look back at my life and see what types of things I did over the past year and how it affects my next year.  I almost always end up depressed because I see myself getting older but I am not any more secure financially or emotionally than I was 20 years ago.

The choices I make over the year always seem to change my life at the time that I make them but ultimately I find myself in the same place I was at the beginning of the year before.

That is the balance of things.  That is the equilibrium that my life seems to strive for.

This is why I never make any resolutions at the beginning of the year.  No matter what I decide I am going to change my life always seems to be the same.  The things that do change, my location, my hair or clothes have relatively no impact on what my year ends up becoming.

Even when I changed my job years ago, thinking it was for the better I find myself in the same position I was 10 years ago, wondering what I really want to do for the next 10 years.

So that brings me back to the story in Supernatural.  Do we really have no control over our ultimate fate?  Do our actions or changes large and small in our lives really not have any lasting impact?

This is always the time where someone will say that you have to live in the moment.  Enjoy what you have and not wonder about what you did or did not doing during your life that would make a difference.  And I always do live in the moment.  But it seems the week before and after my birthday I reflect on those other moments during the year that makes this moment possible and wonder if things could have been different or will they always lead me to the same place?

So here is to becoming 43.  One year older, not any wiser, and still at the same job I took when I was 33.  My life is good, I can't complain, I just wonder where I will go from here.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

My Dilemma

I have become somewhat content with the lack of sex situation.  It is almost like I have given up on trying to seduce my wife and grown accustom to the lack of attention.

Part of the problem is that my wife and I have been having trouble sleeping.  I know, I know most people would say that is the perfect opportunity to have sex.  Especially since I know I always sleep better after a bit of fun.

But it is to the point where she goes to bed and wants all the lights and sounds in the room to cease and hopefully she will fall into a deep sleep.  I know it has been affecting her emotionally so I let it go and want her to sleep.

So like any good husband I let her do what she needs to so we can have a happy relationship.  Of course that does not help me with my sex issues and the rest of our relationship but if she is able to function normally during the day and things start to settle down with our sleep issues than maybe sex will be back on the table.

We both consider some of the issue to be her weight.  She has gained quite a bit of weight over the past few years.  Not that she is fat, but I am sure her weight has something to do with her sleep.  While I encourage her to go walking and do other activities her sleep patterns and exhaustion prevent her from doing anything after work and she ends up gaining more weight.

I know that sleep apnea runs in her family and her being overweight it definitely can contribute to the lack of sleep.

While I want to encourage her to work out I also do not want her to hate me for suggesting it.  There are so many issues related to her weight.  She has no self confidence, no energy, does not sleep well and has other health issues.  Her doctor has told her that she needs to lose some weight to remain healthy but it is hard to become motivated.

Believe me, I know self motivation is not easy.

But I feel that if she lost weight she would be healthier, happier, and we would have more sex.  Then our relationship would be better and ultimately we would be sleeping much better.

And here is the dilemma.  How can I help her to motivate her weight loss.  I know that me encouraging her would probably back fire and just flat out telling her would cause her to be angry with me.  She knows her weight is an issue and she knows she has to do something about it but I would rather it come from a friend then from me.

What do my female readers think?

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Inbox (69)

I write this post with my inbox open in the background with 69 unread messages.  What this has to do with my post, absolutely nothing, but I thought it was interesting.

I actually have quite a bit to write about, unfortunately nothing involves sex or at least my having sex.

Spent the last week in New Orleans.  It was my first time to the Big Easy and I have to admit, what an incredible city.

Having arrived on a Sunday, I thought that it would be a quite night where I could sit and have dinner and enjoy some of the historic sites.  It started as such, but ended with many glasses of whiskey and me talking to the ladies of a bachelorette party.  That was only the beginning.

By Thursday night, a night that I did not spend in a drunken stupor and retired to the hotel early, (1 am), I was shaking and my heart was pounding in my chest from the lack of alcohol.

I am glad to be back in my hometown and my liver thanks me too.  Funny thing is that I was there for a work conference.  Going to the conference hung over was tough until one of the organizers admitted to be so hungover during one of our more important meetings.  It was definitely a relief to see everyone in the same position.

I went with the intent of enjoying good food, music and people, and ended up drinking more than I ate.

Again, what an incredible city.

There are a lot of other things going on in my life that warrant some good posts, but I have learned that I tend not to read a long post and would rather break them into shorter posts.

I plan on writing them and setting up a time to publish them so they come out in sequence, giving people time to read and respond if they care to.

If you have never been to New Orleans, I highly, highly recommend it... just remember to give your liver a break at some point.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Hacked Celebrities - Victim Blaming

The aftermath of the celebrity hacking scandal is evident on many of the news sites in the comments from the people reading the news.

The overwhelming majority of people seem to think that the fault lies with the celebrities for taking naked pictures of themselves and assuming they are safe when they are on their own personal cell phone or in their own personal cloud account.

How is that logic even reasonable.  So let's just say that I decide at some point that I am in a loving relationship with someone that I trust and we decide to send each other provocative pictures, or even go so far as take pictures while we are involved in an intimate act.  We have taken these pictures with a mutual trust that they will stay between us and not be shared.

With the immediate backup of my phone to the internet those pictures end up on some website that only I know the password to and we can access together later.  If someone steals those pictures off of that site and posts them without either of our permissions that is technically theft and is a violation of our privacy.  This is the argument that I have seen from the celebrities that are victims of this hack.

And I agree 100%.

Did you know that celebrities are just like us.  They get naked and have sex and maybe make some bad choices but like all of us that write on these blogs we like somethings to remain private.

I have naked pictures of my wife, and had pictures of an old girlfriend and actually have some of the people that I have met on this site, and I would never post any of these without permission from the people in the pictures.

Where does it say that as a celebrity they give up their right of privacy?  And I am not saying that on the street they can't be photographed or if they go without panties they can't complain when a picture of them exiting a car goes viral.

What I am talking about is private pictures that people share with someone they trust.

Yes American has to open up a bit more about sexuality as I have seen some comments indicating.  But this culture of victim blaming and slut shaming has to stop.

Kate Upton and Jennifer Lawrence and the myriad of other celebrities caught up in this scandal are not sluts, they are not stupid or at fault for not knowing the consequences of technology.  They merely took some intimate pictures of themselves that were meant for only a few eyes.

Please let us stop blaming the victims.