Skip to main content

I made a mistake (Part I)

This is going to be a three part post, since when I started it I thought it would be shorter but evolved into almost 4 pages... and I know my attention span is not all that long so I thought it was easier to split up...

The butterflies had returned. The anticipation was completely destroying me from within.

It had been almost eight months since I had seen her last and I had no idea what I would say, what I would do or even how I would ultimately feel.

My heart had been broken. It was left on the rain soaked road behind the dunes where she had spoken those words. I went back to that day in my mind many times.

“We have to talk,” the words were spoken quietly but I knew what they meant. My heart was already sinking, I had waited for this day the entire summer, waited for us to finally be together and hearing those words already hurt.

We took a drive out to the beach to talk. The rain was cascading down on the windshield as I stared into the darkness waiting for her to tell me what was so important. The tick of the wiper blades seemed to mimic the beating of my own heart as I already knew what was coming.

When she finally spoke, I never actually heard what she had to say. I knew the overall message. We were not going to be together, she was with someone else now and that she was sorry. I gave up my entire life to be with her, everything that I had worked for in the past. I had spent years envisioning my move to the west coast and here I was back on the east because all of that did not matter, I thought it was love.

Opening the car door, I felt the rain hit my arm, then my body as I walked out without saying a word. I needed fresh air. It was so stuffy in the car even if it was New York in November. Three days before my twenty-fifth birthday. I walked back down the road we had just come in on, not really knowing where to go. I knew eventually she would have to take me home, but right now I just kept walking.

I stopped to look back and realized that she was not coming after me. I was soaked from the rain and my body, heart and mind were beaten down because of the words she just said. I turned toward the car and walked back to her window. She rolled it down and I stared at her and slowly asked, “why?”

I never really wanted to know the answer, but it was the only thing that I could say. I wanted to be angry, I wanted to tell her to fuck off, but my heart ached and I felt numb now. We sat in silence on the way home, an hour drive to my house. I gathered my things and went inside.

Having just left my life in San Francisco I had nothing aside from the family left on the east coast, so I went to sleep and when I woke up I told my brother what happened.

It was not until six months later that he told me she called. I decided to stay in his townhouse and found a job and was starting to be happy again. Most of my relationships in the past six months were shallow and a few were very uncomfortable since I was trying to find what I had lost in someone I hardly knew.


  1. what a picture you have painted so far...

  2. Yikes, beryl said it first, but that is quite the picture you've painted. And i'm anxious to see where it leads.

  3. I know those feelings all too well. I can't wait to read more.

  4. Hey there this is Bipolar Diva again. I'm following you from my more "adult" site now :)


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Cry Out For Help.

The room was completely silent aside from her breathing. I was awake slightly trying to get back to sleep. Apparently something woke me up at this hour, because I was extremely tired from the weekend. Her breathing seemed odd, almost labored, and I could hear a moan every now and again. Despite her sleeping habits, talking, moaning, breathing heavy, this seemed different. I reached over and touched her shoulder, wondering if it was just me or should I try to wake her. When I heard another moan I gave her a quick shake to see if everything was ok. She stirred slightly but did not waken completely. I shook her again, and again she did not respond very well. At this point I knew something was wrong and I got up and turned on the light. I called her name slightly louder at this point and got back on the bed to shake her awake. She opened her eyes and looked up at me and looking at her eyes I could see the emptiness. Fearing the worst, that she decided to finish off her medications

Raining (HNT)

The rain has been falling for the last few days here. We needed it so I am not complaining. It has made the weekend plans a little harder but I think we will find something fun to do. I am still working on getting used to the camera and lack of flash, so the picture seems a little grainy but I thought it went well with the dark rainy weather we are having. Happy HNT! As always check out Osbasso for who else is playing!

Last Post - Updates

I debated a long time before I posted that last piece. It was and has been a very difficult point in my life, and I wanted to keep some of the blog more upbeat. Although these incidents define my life and relationship over the past six years. Things have gotten better. She was hospitalized one or two times a year for the first three years when we moved here, ending completely in 2007. There was one more incident in 2008 that she should have gone and that I was stupid for not bringing her and thankful that it did not turn out any worse. My daughter remembers some of those times, like spending Mothers Day in the common area of the mental health facility. She also understands she is sick, but still makes the comments like 'Why does mommy sleep all the time." Or "Mommy is always angry." I would be foolish to say that this has not affected our relationship. I would like to say that we are stronger, but I have yet to open my heart back up to her as I did in the past