Blue Eyed Bader

The path we travel in life is rarely point A to point B.  We never follow a straight line from birth to death, more likely we change directions at many points along the way.  Sometimes moving forward sometimes backwards but never in a straight line. At various points along the way we have to make choices that change the path forward.  We divert from our goals to make plans and set different goals.  It was always a plan of mine to live in California, and while I did for a few years, opportunities and decisions changed my direction and I found myself back in New Jersey. When I moved back out west I felt again I was destined to stay where I was for the rest of my life and once again plans changed and I found myself in the South.  While I lived for a few months in the south I never thought I would live there for any length of time.  After eight years I found myself back out west and again find myself saying that I am never going to leave this place. We ne...

Progress was being made, we were enjoying each others company.  Then things changed for the worse. I had been traveling.  A few days north of our border for work, but returned home last Friday evening. Things were going well at least I thought they were. Saturday morning I woke up early and started massaging her back.  She said she was tired and so I went out to the couch to watch some television and let her sleep a little longer. When she finally did make it out to the living room the discussion began. We talked about making progress, about how she felt.  I thought things were going wrong but according to her we were way off.  She told me she did not want to even try to have sex at this point, things were moving too fast for her. Then things got somewhat ugly.  Things were said that should not have been said and while we did not once raise our voices, the argument was clear.  I told her basically we were roommates and I was not happy with th...

Last night I finally brought up our relationship. I started out with one of those, 'I think we need to talk about our relationship.'  I could see the look in her eye as I am sure her heart skipped a beat. I asked her why she gave me that look and she replied that anytime those words are spoken it usually is something bad. 'It is something bad,' I told her. 'But not in the way that you think.' I brought up my unhappiness, our lack of intimacy.  The fact that we do not show any affection towards each other, etc.  We rarely fight, which is a good thing.  But her point about that is we show no feelings at all towards each other.  Like many other couples faced with the same dilemma, we have become roommates. It was a perfect conversation.  Our daughter was out playing with a friend.  I was cooking dinner and we had not yet turned on the television. She talked about her issues as she always does and I stopped her and said, 'this is why we are talk...

Doldrums by definition are described as an oceanic area where the prevailing winds are calm.  A divergence of the two streams that create an area where the winds basically do not blow. In the Phantom Toolbooth, the Doldrums were a colorless place where thinking and laughing are not allowed. Is that what a 13 year marriage leads to.. the doldrums?  Are we destined to boredom, a lull as one of my fellow bloggers put it in a recent chat session. Why do we become bored so easily?  Why do we let ourselves get in this rut? My life is the same routine.  Work, dinner, watch television, read, sleep.  Everyday is the same.  Even when I am confronted with the possibility of a sexy evening I tend to not even try. Maybe its the fear of rejection, maybe its that I am in a rut too. This seems to be the recipe that cause most people to cheat... its not a midlife crisis, its the doldrums. Its the boredom that you feel when you come home to the same thing every...

Is it our desire to be wanted, to be pleased? Sometimes I wonder if that is all that I need.  Even just to be acknowledged that I exist. I flirt, that is what I do.  I do it because I want others to feel the same way that I do.  That there is a person out there that finds me interesting or attractive. I enjoy the conversation.  I listen to them when they talk.  I am not there just to pick them up although it is fun to make those types of suggestions. Maybe it comes from the fact that I like to talk.  Maybe it is because I do not feel that I am getting the attention at home. My wife always said I was a flirt.  She knew that before we were married so she understands if I still do it. I would never consider myself a player but I like to work the room when I am at an event or a party.  Make small talk with people, observe their behavior. Sometimes I just sit back and watch.  That is probably the most useful for me.  Observe peo...

It will be a long road, and I understand it. We talked about it before but never did act on it.  It makes her uncomfortable and I understand. She has a problem opening up to anyone, she fears being vulnerable. Her therapist suggested non-sexual touching.  Massage and touch but no sex. Its hard but I have to try to restrain myself.  I know it will be better in the end. Maybe I can get her to open up to me finally after 13 years of marriage. I tried this weekend but she brushed me off. I know she was just avoiding the situation but I know she had a rough week. Maybe tonight I can try again and start the journey together. Lord knows I need a little loving too. Of course she needs it more right now and that is what I am going to do for her.

Just a quick one to get me started again. More to come... its just a start since the last one that I did was back in July. Hope you like it... and Happy HNT!

Yesterday I received an interesting message on FetLife.  FetLife for me is a site that I visit occasionally to look at events and browse through some of the local profiles.  I have become friends with a few people locally but the other friends I have on there are from my blog.  At one point I was thinking of attending a few of the local munches but never had the courage to do so. Of course part of the problem is that my wife is not a part of the scene nor will she ever be a part of it.  Not that it matters much, but I do not really want to participate in anything that I have to keep completely secret from her.  Well I do keep the blog secret but mostly that is just writing and fantasizing.  I still have never acted on anything that I think about doing or write about doing on this blog. I even have an Ashley Madison profile but have never payed actually money because I am not sure how far I would go. I guess I need to explain a few things.  I am ...

I find myself struggling to keep up on things that I once enjoyed.  My reasons are not that I do not want to keep writing and updating and keeping in touch with friends and such... all of these I have failed on in the past few months. But mainly because I work, come home, clean, take care of my daughter, cook dinner, clean up after dinner and by that time I am too tired to do anything else.  My life is great, do not think that I am complaining, but I am just busy living. My routine is the same almost every day and I actually do not mind doing all the work.  Sometimes I do wish that I could find the energy to keep updating the blog and keep in touch with all my friends.  Maybe I need to add this to my routine and stick with the plan. I have not even kept up on the other blogs that I used to read on a regular basis. I read bits and pieces here and there but some of them I am so lost.  Some of the other blogs have also gone away or have not been ...

If you are a regular reader of my blog, I would like to first thank you for sticking with me, and second mention that you probably already know that I have been into fitness for the past few years. Not that I try different fads but one thing that strikes me as interesting is intermittent fasting, basically going 12-24 hours without eating. This may sound a bit tough to do but if you think about it you eat dinner at 6 pm the first night then do not eat anything until at least lunch the next day, or even dinner if you add the eight hours of sleep into your math. Apparently as studies have shown since we are largely a hunter gatherer species our bodies have gone long periods without food. This allows our bodies to rid excess sugars and balance out the metabolism. This of course does not mean we fast for a week at a time, just a short period. Apparently the fasting boosts metabolism, increases your immune response and lowers overall blood glucose, things that help aid in a...

Living with a person that has mental health issues you hear a lot about triggers.  Triggers for those of you that don't understand, which I would assume most would.  Are those events or sayings or any number of things that create an unwelcome emotion.  For me that emotion is anger. Lately I have been identifying a lot of my triggers.  I never thought that I had an anger problem until about 10 years ago when my mom came to visit and I got mad over something completely mundane.  I do not even remember what I was mad over but I got angry and showed my emotion. Now my anger is not hitting something or breaking something or causing any type of harm to anyone else, its just that I get hot and sweaty and raise my voice to the people around me.  Being from the east coast I can get pretty loud too. My mom said "why are you always so unhappy." At first I denied it then it sunk in. Years later I realize that I still have anger issues but I have learned to be b...

And nothing to show for it. I had every opportunity and I just failed, pretty much I forgot. Of course the day is not over yet but logistics will be a lot harder this evening, so I will have to just say that you may have to wait until next week. I am of course referring to HNT if you are wondering what I am talking about. I do have this to say. While I was away on business I took a few pictures that ended up on my phone. What I sometimes forget about is that my phone automatically uploads the photos to the web. Usually that is not a problem because the site is secure and I am the only one that sees them. Normally I just go to the site and delete the pictures and all is good. However I must have missed one picture and when my dad was visiting I wanted to show him some of the shots that I took a few weeks before my trip. I went online to look and started scrolling through the pictures on my television which is connected to the web. Needless to say, there was a picture of me half...

For those of you wondering, things have been really good lately. Other than the usual problems I always face everything else was as it should be and I have been happy. My job has given me the opportunity to get more involved in the business development side of things so I get to go out and market for the company a bit. I know marketing does not sound like the best job but it is not marketing in the same way as cold calling people. We are largely a government contracting firm so this would be speaking with our partners and other contracting agents, basically networking and such. For me it is perfect since I like to talk with new people. I was also offered a job by another company but decided to turn it down to give my new role in my current company a chance, its nice to have options. Of course the company that offered me a job is a very large software developer and it could have been a great job for me, but I felt that I could not leave my current job. Loyalty is something that ...

I live in a state that has lots of craft beers. Where basically almost every town has a microbrewery and some have more than one. Living in this state I have sample quite a few of the local brews but have not found that one that I really completely utterly love. Yes, there are a few that I would drink a lot of, but nothing that completely stands out as the best beer that I have had. Therefore I am always on the quest to find one that when I put to my lips I am completely lost in its flavor. Am I asking too much, maybe. Of course there are beers for all occasions and moods, so maybe there will be a list at the end of my quest. For now I will post one that I have found on a recent trip that I enjoy more than the others I have sampled... Terrapin Hopsecutioner - Athens, GA - Unfortunately it is only available in 13 states right now and I now live far enough away that I will only be able to enjoy it when I travel. If you live in one of those states definitel...

Years ago it was easy for me to make friends. There were common interests involved and you spent time in some particular location doing the same thing for a period of time and you would meet someone with the same interests. But when you have a family and your life is more sporadic you tend to rely on meeting people at your place of employment or your neighborhood or some other location that you frequent. As most of you know I moved out west by way of the south and pretty much had to start over in my friendships. We live in an apartment complex and while many people that live there have common interests it is much more transient than living in a neighborhood. People have come into our lives by way of our daughter but quickly fade as they move on to buying houses and leaving the complex. I work with many people that I would consider having a friendship with but the nature of our work is that we are on the road for a good period of the year and therefore when we get back to our ho...

I have realized my tastes have changed over the years. Now that I am in my forties I am starting to look more at the older women as my tastes have begun to change. Of course I think that a nice young attractive woman is an amazing site, but these days I like to see how a woman matures. Many people think that a guy gets more attractive as they age, while many think that women want to always look younger. I am the type of person that likes how beautiful a woman can by as they get older. To me my wife has become more attractive, she is gorgeous. While I thought she was gorgeous before I look at her now and see that she is definitely aging well. Even though she is somewhat of a ginger she still looks amazing. I have also seen my taste in porn change. From the tight young teens that I used to view years ago to the more amateur type older mature porn. I like to see real woman engaged in real sex. Porn to me is almost always too fake. Fake boobs, fake hair, fake women, fake orga...

Not sure why I always feel this way when I travel but it never fails that traveling makes me horny. Is it that I am away from home and can play in a way that I have free range of the hotel room without being caught? I am not sure what happens in my mind but it always happens this way. I have never acted on any of my thoughts or desires while traveling, although sometimes I wonder if something was presented for me would I take the opportunity. I usually start out by checking craigslist for anything of interest. Although I still have yet to respond to any ad, but I have come close. The desire has been there, but I guess I still have yet to cross that line and not sure I am willing to do so. The funny thing is I feel like chatting all the time when I get lonely. I love to video chat in the hotel room but its been so long since I have had a person to do that with. So I usually spend some time checking out the blogs I have not read in a while or watching porn and spending a lot o...

My job is going good, although the company needs to rethink some of their policies. Of course I think I would be hard pressed to think of any other company that does not have similar issues. Normally I am an office worker, but with some budget cuts and some time delays several projects are now overlapping and I am going to be out in the field. I prefer a combination of both field and office but I usually only travel several weeks out of the year. The field work is great, does not require a lot of thought other than the initial equipment test in the morning, and gets me outside for the better part of the day. The problem mostly is the hotel stay. The first few days are great but I tend to miss my family. If we are out in the field for an extended period of time I spend a lot of time in my hotel room. And if said hotel room is not that comfortable I tend to get restless and cant wait to get home. Occasionally we have stayed in some nice places, but typically it is the cheapeast w...

I woke up screaming last night. The darkness was taking over my body in a dream and I was trying to push it away. The shadows surrounded me in a black haze and I screamed into my nightmare. When I finally opened my eyes I was staring at the ceiling in my living room having fell asleep on the couch earlier in the evening. The darkness was still there in the shadows as I tried to go back asleep. My heart kept pounding in my chest as my eyes closed once again on the room. The shadows reappeared and I screamed back at them to force them from my mind. I am not sure anyone else in the apartment heard me, at least from this morning no one has said a word yet. Hopefully my screams were only in my nightmare. I have been stressed lately, not really myself. Concerned with a lot of my life and the decisions I have made over the past. These thoughts haunt me from time to time. I try to tell myself that I have no regrets and that I continue to look forward and not behind me, but at tim...

Three a.m. this morning the neighbors down stairs started to arrive home. Not sure where they came from but they were loud and obviously impaired on something. I woke up and could hear them through the open window. The conversation at one point was talking about driving while tripping. While driving under the influence of alcohol is bad, I could not imagine being able to drive while hallucinating. I could smell the marijuana smoke come up through my window, something that I was not too happy to have with a 10 year old daughter asking me all types of questions. Eventually they went to sleep and after a bit I did as well. The next morning as I was living to go to take my daughter to school and myself to work I ran into one of the girls that I see there often. I am not sure if she lives there with the others or just visits from time to time. She was in the hallway towards the front of the apartment building trying her hardest to open the door of one of the apartments. One that d...

My daughter spent the night at a friends house. The last time this happened I posted about it. My wife decided to take sex completely off the table before we even went to bed. That led to a discussion on how to fix this situation and we both decided it would take some work. This time however it was not completely off the table. There was no discussion before bed and since it was my wife's birthday the other day and we had a great week I thought this would be a good time to try. My wife's one rule though, mostly because she is on some medications that put her right to sleep, is that we have sex in the morning. Morning sex is fine with me... well any sex is fine with me. So this past Saturday I woke up a little earlier and started running my hands up and down her back. I spent quite a while doing this until I worked up the nerve to move down. Well maybe when I have more time I will go into the details, but there really is not much to tell. It was a quick one, sin...

She stepped into the shower letting the warm water cascade over her skin. Grabbing the sponge she lathered up her breasts and let out a sigh as the material touched her nipples. Her fingers traced their way around the nipple as she thought back to the night before. When she was traveling for business she always played a bit, those were the rules that her husband made for her. It was the reason their relationship was always so sexual. She would return and tell him every last detail as he slid inside her. Spreading her legs a little she watched as the water made its way to her engorged sex, warming the folds of her vagina. She used the sponge to soap up her pussy, cleaning the stickiness of last night's tryst. Last night was amazing she thought. Her mind wandered back to the unsuspecting guy at the bar. He was sitting at the end nursing a Jameson's, rotating the glass in a circle before taking a sip. She walked through the door as all eyes turned towards her and the...

Dropping my daughter off at school is probably one of the most stressful parts of my day. In fact it was so stressful at first that I now try to get her to school before the rush of parents. The sad thing is that there are simple rules to follow. The drive through the parking lot is one direction. There are more than enough spaces to pull in drop off and let your kids out. The exit is right turn only. There is a round-about maybe 100 yards down that will give you the opportunity to go the other direction. And lastly, the main parking lot is for buses and teachers, not parents. The rest is common courtesy. But every morning I get frustrated with someone that thinks they are above the rules. Especially if it is before the crossing guards get there. This morning a guy was going the wrong direction through the parking lot and after almost hitting me since he was not looking, gave me a look that I was supposed to watch out for him. I was stopped dead in the lane as he trie...

I could feel the uncomfortable silence soon after my daughter left to go sleep at a friends house. Sitting in my recliner, reading a story on my nook, I glanced over at her wondering what she was thinking. "We are not going to have sex," she finally breaks the silence. "Okay," I reply as I continue reading the story. A few minutes later I look up from my screen and ask her why did she feel the need to say that right now. It has been several months since we have had sex and with the lack of sex on valentine's day the times that we used to have sex are becoming few and far between. She started to explain but I knew that her medication was already starting to kick in since I could tell her eyelids were getting heavy. "I know this may be taken the wrong way, but I am not attracted to you right now." She said, slowly. "I am not sure I understand," I said getting slightly angry. And so the conversation started. It was a conversa...

I saw this on Nerve and thought it would be interesting to list this for myself... The names of course are changed, but the stories are true. Mary - She was my first girlfriend, I was 17 when I met her and had barely any experience. We were both virgins. I went down on her in her parents basement a few weeks into dating. We spent a lot of time with foreplay. We finally did the deed in her bed a few months into our relationship. Her brother walked in on us. We had a lot of sex and experimented with quite a few different situations. She was also the first person I had anal sex with. We still talk occasionally and had cyber sex a few years back. Susan - Basically a one night stand in college. I met her at a toxic waste party at a fraternity house, she was wearing a tyvek suit with  absolutely nothing on underneath. After we had sex in my loft with my roommate about five feet away, I found out she was a complete slut. She used my sheets to clean the come off her and borrowed some ...

While at breakfast yesterday I brought up how I wanted to try to make some extra money. Financially we are doing okay, but we rarely do anything fun and I would like to have some spending cash to buy the things that I want and not always what I need. So I brought up an idea of publishing some ebooks. Maybe some short stories, I already have ideas for several and a novel that I would like to write some day. I have been doing some research on how to accomplish this and have been putting some of my ideas in writing. One of the interesting facts was that Romance is the top seller on almost every ebook site. So I mentioned this to my wife. I told her about wanting to write and that the best way to make money would be romance and she laughed and said, "You would not be a very good romance writer." I just smiled back at her and thought if she only knew. Maybe I would not be the best romance writer but I would say that I have been writing erotica for a while now. It was the...

Okay, so here we are the day before Valentine's Day and I am already stressing about it. I almost hate Valentine's Day as much as I hate New Years. They both represent overly hyped much too anticipated inevitably disappointing holidays. For some reason we expect so much from these days and they never deliver nearly what we desire. The stores and restaurants are always way too crowded. We pay for a meal that because of the stress of the kitchen staff is never any good. And the fact that sex seems to be expected is enough for my wife to declare before the day even starts that the day will not end with us having sex. I married my wife 13 years ago, and while we have had our ups and downs we are still in love with each other, why do I need a day to remind me to tell her that. I let her know every day. When I asked her the other day what is our plan for the day, she automatically said well we have to go out to dinner. Why is that? I would be much happier if we had the Sunday ...

I feel like I am forever on the verge of greatness but never actually reaching it. Its like those movies that start out with the people that are always down on their luck. Their apartment is in shambles, their job is completely mundane and their life is never moving forward. The camera focuses on the hand of the protagonist as it hangs off the bed the dog licking his fingers. As the camera pans out we see the half naked person with the tattered covers hanging mostly off their overweight frame. He is smiling dreaming of some erotic scene of a supermodel licking his fingers instead of the dog that just finished cleaning herself in the corner of the room. In walks the wife in a dirty terry cloth robe scratching the underside of her breast. She steps in a puddle left by the dog in the middle of the night and curses at the mutt. We flash to breakfast, the family is now eating around the television, arguing over who was supposed to take the dog out the night before and who's faul...

I was watching Californication last night. Have not seen the show in years but wanted to see the latest episode. But at one point the Rolling Stone's album Exile on Main Street came up and one of the characters sang the song Shine a Light.  Now this album was one of my favorites back in the day and still brings back a lot of emotion. It was also the favorite of my friend that past away a few years ago, so today I am listening to it again...  Here is one of the best songs on the album:   Saw you stretched out in room ten-o-nine  With a smile on your face  And a tear right in your eye  Couldn't see to get a line on you  My sweet honey love  Berber jewelry jangling down the street  Make you shut your eyes at ev'ry woman that you meet  Could not seem to get a high on you  My sweet honey love  May the good lord shine a light on you  Make every song your favourite tune  May the good lord shine a light on you  ...

That is a question that I have been asking myself for quite a while. 2012 was a year of transition. We moved from South Carolina to Denver towards the beginning of the year, and while I did not start at a new company I started a new job. The first month of being in Denver I was actually in South Dakota for work. I travelled quite a bit over the summer so I did not get a great opportunity to explore all Denver had to offer. So what will 2013 be like now that I have been living here almost a full year.  Well for one my wife has a full-time job, something that she did not have for the majority of the year last year. So we struggled a bit for money. This year will be much better in that aspect.  Secondly I have settled into my job fairly well and will probably not travel quite as much. I don't mind the travel it just makes it tough when I am gone for a month at a time.  Thirdly, everyone in the family is much happier now that we are living in a place that we reall...